May 31, 2010

It isn't paranoia if its a class ability

Manbearpig returned to his musings.  It was as though probability and opportunity had expanded within his awareness, somehow.

Where before he'd merely seen the beauty of nature, he now sensed the trillions of inherent dangers that lay within seemingly innocent structures.  Trees could house tripwires, leaves could hide all kinds of dangers.  He looked ahead as far as he was able.  If Tribby had fallen prey to a snare trap, there could be others.  He would be ready.

Gluestick triggered and fell into a pit trap.  As Manbearpig's balls were painfully jarred from the impact, he realized that this whole trap-finding thing was more difficult than it seemed.

May 30, 2010

Travel Size Tribby

Tribby dangled from the impressive, able-to-hoist-over-600lbs snare, much of her loose change falling to the ground.  "Woooah!" She yelled, this being her only dialogue contribution in a long time (almost as if her player had been suspiciously absent for this session)

Suddenly, a fairy none of the group recognized flew into view, let out an evil cackle, and shot Tribby with a magic arrow which had two effects.  One, was that it put her immediately to sleep, the other, was that she was shrunk to the size of a Chihuahua.  

Jay El squinted up at the plot device and attempted a spell.  It missed, and the fairy flew away.

"Well." Shitanya said, looking down at the lil' Tribby and putting it into Gluestick's saddlebags.  "At least she's portable."

May 29, 2010

Manbearpig takes a level of Rogue

The group traveled in silence, each brooding in their own way.

This latest holocaust had left an impact on the group, as they all silently pondered the limitless what-ifs of their past months travelling together.

What if they'd made this deal over that?
What if they'd gone left instead of right at a crucial moment?
Would the fairies still be alive?

Their collective guilt drove them, though they stopped to rest, it was almost an atonomous function verses a need.  They knew that they must have rest in order to regain their abilities which they would need for their vengeance.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Like a professional fighter simply eating the best fuel for their bodies.  Passionless and tasteless.

As Manbearpig rode atop Gluestick, whose head was drooped in her own, silent horror, his introspection gnawed at him like a parasite.

What must the horse be thinking about all of this?  What must HE be thinking about all of this?  What was HIS part in all of these horrors?  How could HE have prevented it?  Manbearpig was accustomed to being self-reliant in his solitude, and, as a result, he was unaccustomed to having to harbor the guilt of the many upon his shoulders.

He silently vowed to do his part.  To sharpen his senses.  Perhaps he'd been going about his adventuring all wrong - perhaps he should be the one to sense danger.  The one to be on the lookout.  Ultimately, self improvement seemed like the most logical choice, after all - it was the only thing he truly had control over.

A bird whistled past in the distance, as if to signify that Manbearpig's inner monologue was correct.

He opened himself up to the glory of nature and felt his senses become more acute.  Like he could almost see danger before it happened.  He squinted into the sunlight and saw distinctions in the volumetric lighting that had escaped his previous observations.  He thought to himself how an intricate light-beam-based trap might function, and how to disarm it.

Like he had some kind of supernatural, extra sensory skill, Manbearpig began to see the possibilities for traps everywhere.  In the trees, in the air...

His inner musings were cut short by Tribby stepping onto a snare and getting rocketed into the air.  Manbearpig frowned.  He'd have to practice prioritizing these searches via probability.

May 28, 2010

Fury 5

Jay El glanced up at Petal, who was shaking with range.

"You!"  She screamed, hoarsely, "You are NOT a good biggie!  You are BAD biggies!  Petal heard you!"

Jay El staggered and took to one knee.  "No, Petal, you don't understand, we're trying to save..."


Jay El's eyes gave away his secrets long before he could recover his words.  "I... no!  I mean, we were never friends with..."


"It... it isn't like that, I..."

"GET OUT!  LEAVE HOMEPLACE RIGHT NOW!" She screamed, her voice breaking under the strain.

"I... we killed the Kobold, we weren't..."

"NOW!" Petal screamed, her voice leaving her as she attempted to brandish her knife like a 4 year old might threaten a fully grown man.

Jay El's heart sank even further.  "I...  I'm so sorry." He whispered, and backed away from the quivering fairy.

Shitanya put her huge menacing claw on his shoulder in a terrifying show of reassurance and nodded her head silently.  Jay El paused, looked at the former paradise one last time, and turned away.  "I... we're so sorry."

There was nothing more to do here.  

He felt the darkness within him rise. 

There was vengeance to be had.

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May 27, 2010

Fury 4

The deal was made, and the power was Jay El's to fix this as best he was able.  He ran from corpse to corpse, saving all that he could.  Some were nothing more than dismembered body parts, but, those who still clung to life he was able to stabilize and mend.

Ash and Shitanya took a different approach, and hunted down and slaughtered as many of the Kobolds as they could find, screaming and yelling in frustration as they did so.  Reveling in the violence.  Making their deaths as painful as possible.

Jay El worked long and exhaustively into the night, healing as many as he could.  Gradually, he became aware of Petal's hateful stare.  Jay El knew he could not save her Mother - and felt the guilt like a knife to his heart.  Still, he pressed on, his knees buckling from time to time as exhaustion took him.  Still, he pressed on.

As the sun rose into the sky, Ash and Shitanya staggered back into town, their blood lust momentarily quenched through mutual exhaustion - though the fire they had in their eyes suggested that they'd simply run out of targets, rather than desire.

Jay El finally looked around him.  It seemed he'd done all that he could.  Abatu had granted him the power to save hundreds of lives.  It wasn't enough, but, it was something.

"You." came the angry, accusatory tone.

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May 26, 2010

Fury 3

Abatu appeared and looked about him.  "Too late."

Jay El grimaced, seeing two of the Kobold's riding dogs fighting over a screaming fairy and tearing it in two.

He knew there was no way for him to save all the fairies.  Even half would be a miracle.  The damage had been done.  "What can we do." He stated, knowing the answer.

Abatu paused and looked at who Jay El was becoming.  "No, Jay El.  You need not become the bezerker this day.  While violence may indeed be the answer forthcoming, now is the time for healing."

Jay El started, about to snap something at Abatu, and then paused, and looked down.  "You're right.  Can you help me save them?"

"Not all of them, no.  Some are too far gone.  I must warn you:  The more I help you, the less you become someone who I would wish to help.  Do you understand that which you are sacrificing?  Who you are to become if this power is misused?"

Jay El gave one last sigh, and conjured up the memory of his daughter's first steps, and a happy memory he often used to sooth himself when remembering why he was on this quest to begin with, when she and he had had a nice moment on a small swing set, and he'd been pushing her lovingly while the wind was blowing through his wife's hair.  The way she'd looked at him, mixed with the sound of his daughter's laughter...  Jay El clenched his teeth as a tear came down his cheek.  "Just do it." he whispered.

The memory was gone.  It had never happened, and he didn't even really understand what he'd lost.  

But he still felt the void nonetheless.  

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May 25, 2010

Fury 2

The group amassed itself in a horizontal line of fury, and, after casting a myriad of spells upon itself, launched into the village.

What met their eyes and assaulted every sense they had would not leave their nightmares for many years to come.

The beautiful fairy paradise had been turned into a fiery war zone filled with pain and suffering.

Smoking and on fire, the ground itself was littered with the dead and the dying fairies; Many of them children.

Jay El's eyes teared up as he saw the small precocious one who'd brought him the boot when he'd organized a scavenger hunt.  The majority of her skin was burnt black.  Death would be a release for her and Jay El knew it.

As his senses reeled, he realized that the majority of them were badly burned, and those that were alive, were in anguish.  Either screaming from terror, from pain, or from loss.

Possibly the most impotently frustrating aspect of the situation was how far along it all was.  This war was over.  Those kobolds that remained were simply stragglers who were looting or grabbing a last minute handful of screaming snacks for the road, or prisoners for future delights.

The party was met with another challenge.  How best to charge these invaders without accidentally stepping upon the littered fallen?

Solving the situation as best they could, the group summoned Hippogryphs, and mounted them for aerial combat.  Flying down upon the remaining Kobolds and swiftly dispatching them as they retreated.

Bliznark, their old guide yelled to the group that they'd had a deal - that he was supposed to be allowed to eat as many as he wanted.  They slaughtered him like the rest.  His blood splattering upon the body of Petal, who was silently holding the remains of her dead mother in her arms.

Jay El's heart sank the lowest of the group.  This home away from home that he had so loved.  The innocence of the fairies which had so reminded him of his own daughter.  The simple sanctity which had been so horribly violated.

He gritted his teeth and spoke the name.  "Abatu."

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May 24, 2010

Fury 1

Shitanya paused in mid-stride and lurched to the side, barely avoiding the twitching, charred remains of one of the fairy children.  It gasped, in an attempt to warn them, though no sound came out.

Jay El quickly dashed to the small one's side, and healed it.  The fairy sighed and breathed deeply, its lungs clearing, and even its charred wings reforming.  "Th... thank you biggie." it gasped.  

"What happened here?" Jay El whispered gently.  Even for a fairy, this one was small, and it was clearly terrified.

The small fairy coughed and looked up at its noble protector, "the yappies came...  they killed my mommy, and took my sister and my friend billy and I think they might have eated some of the kids from greengrove and I got so scared I just started flying but then I gotted burnt and then I couldn't fly and I gots stepped on and then I was crawling to try and gets under something so nobodies would steps on me agains, but then I gots stepped on agains and agains, and then I gots kicked by one of the yappies and their doggie bits me and threw me over here and, and, I want my mom!  I want my MOM!" the poor, traumatized fairy sobbed uncontrollably.  

Jay El comforted the infant as best he could.  "I want you to run for now, okay?  Go find some friends.  We'll handle this."  Jay El stood and glared towards the black smoke, clenching an angry fist.  "We'll handle this."

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May 23, 2010

Thanks Mr. Deer

Jay El's dreams of gumdrops and demons were suddenly interrupted, as Abatu faded into view.

"JL If only I could have warned you sooner - if I were stronger I would have been able to warn you in time." He looked away, seeming to be somewhat ashamed of this.  "The faries are in danger.  I fear that you will not be able to save them without my help.  Go now.  When you have need of me, speak the name Abatu to summon me."  He looked out into the ether and back to Jay El.  "You must hurry."

Jay El awoke with a start.  How long had he been asleep?  He glanced over at Shitanya, still in mid-expletive, and found no way to tell how long it had been.  It was difficult to tell the shades of night in the forest, but, if he had to guess, it was close to dawn.

"The fairies are in danger!" He yelled, gaining the attention of the group.

"How do YOU know?" Ash-face sneered, sharpening his spear while looking at Shitanya suggestively.

"Look, I had one of those dreams, okay?  I just know.  I'm a damn cleric!  We see stuff like this!"

"Yeah, yeah.  Alright." He sighed, as the rest of the party began casting spells of an accelerative nature.

Jay El took to the skies, loving his first taste of flight.  The rest, longstridered or simply horsed ran like the wind towards the fairy village, hoping that they were not too late.

As they neared the village, their spells beginning to wane, they noticed a great deal of deer, and other wildlife running towards them.  Jay El piped up "What's happening?"

A deer looked at him, but said nothing.

Because it was a deer.

One of them decided to throw him a bone, and looked behind himself, suggestively, giving a nod to the large amount of black, billowing smoke in the distance.  The other animals shook their heads and frowned at the deer for breaking the fourth wall of nature.

As they neared the fiery village, the group began to make out numerous distinctly kobolty, barking sounds, and the screams of children.

The party sprinted.  Hoping they were not too late.

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May 22, 2010

The story continues

And so the group crafted a stretcher, attached it to Gluestick, and called it the right thing.  (sounds like portage, but less boaty... torpage?  something like that) as they made it; gently placing the serene, if smashed Shitanya upon it.

"Ick, we're throwing out these blankets afterwards, right?" Came Ash's blunt, unwhispered statement.

Tribby eyed the blankets as a decidedly un-half-elf-ish desire washed over her taste buds.  "mmm...  poo blanket..." she half-whispered (thankfully Ash was half-deaf)

"Let's head back to the fairies." Jay El suggested, "They'll be able to fix up Shitanya right as rain!"

And so, they made their way back to the village, taking the time to rest along the way.

Jay El yawned, as he drifted off to sleep.  He hoped Shitanya would be okay.  It seemed strange that his healing magic had little to no effect upon the dragonlady.

Perhaps it was her unique physiology, or the severity of the blow, or maybe it had something to do with her player being absen...

"GWAH! POOOOP!  Fuh... fuh... FAAART! SHIT!  SHIT-FART!" Screamed Shitanya suddenly, bolting upright in her stretcher-thingy.

Jay El smiled.  Looks like everything would be okay after all.

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May 21, 2010

Yay Gems & XP

The group debated on how to get everyone, including Shitanya's unconcious form, and the nervous Gluestick onto the boat, and into the houseboat.  (Gluestick couldn't fit)

Taking their time, they ransacked the dead Ogre's quaint cottage.

They found, and threw into the water some basic survivalist tools, a few humble Ogre-attempts at art, and a rather decent (for an Ogre) drawing of what they could only assume was someone he had once cared about.  In addition, they discarded 1 Large club, and 15 animal skins.

They decided to keep:
  • The big sack of smokeweed
  • The Small chest of gems

    • 10gp (7 blue quartz, 1 azurite, 2 malachite)
    • 50gp (2 citrine, 3 clear quartz, 1 rose quartz)
    • 100gp (2 amethyst)
    • 500gp (3 yellow topaz)
    • 1000gp (blue sapphire)
    [3100gp worth of gems]
  • The Big chest of misc coins ($1,763 gp, 26,421 s, 32 c)
Which they split up evenly - giving the extra copper piece to Tribby. xp 6000 (to all)

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May 20, 2010

Poonose The Terrible

Jay El watched as the 700 pound Ogre smashed the 600 pound Ogre into oblivion with one shot.  Watched as his companion crumpled to the ground in a pile of splintered bone and torn muscle tissue.

"Oh shit." he summarized.

"ooooh shit, oh shit, ooooh shit!" He continued.

Ash launched at the Ogre in an effort to draw his fire.  Gluestick reared up in fear, but Manbearpig's ability as a rider proved more powerful than Gluestick's need to GTFO.  Shitanya, seeing her moment, took a deep breath and swore a mighty shit, and launched herself at the Ogre, missing often, and doing only superficial damage.

Manbearpig quickly summoned a crocodile, hoping it would drag the ogre the fuck away, and into the water where he would stop hitting people with his tree.  The crock valiantly took a quick bite from the foul-tasting ogre, but, the behemoth easily shook the creature off his leg without even turning around.

The enraged Poonose, turned to see the swearing half dragon, and pounded her like a fencepost once, twice... three times was not necessary for this lady.  Her crumbled body fell to the ground, seemingly lifeless.

Jay El was about to yell some more explitives, but, then saw what Poonose'd done to Shitanya, and opted to summon a big bee instead.  "Maybe he's allergic!" he thought to himself.

Ash stabbed into the Ogre with a fearsome thrust, sinking his spear deep into his upper thigh.  Poonose whirled and smashed at Ash, his ears ringing from the impact.  Manbearpig summoned another crocodile, whispering "sick 'em!" so as not to draw too much attention to himself.

Jay El sent out his healing magic to Tribby, watching as her bones receded back into her flesh, which healed back over top of the gruesome wounds.  Her skull reformed, and her ribs gradually distended back to their proper place, and she opened her eyes.

Ash stepped back, and drank a potion of enlarge person - and grew to face this menace.

Tribby blinked.  She was alive!  She was conscious, and not a liquid!  She backed away from the enraged Poonose in terror.  The creature was still really really pissed off.

The Bee stung Poonose in the neck, and he immediately swelled up from the toxins, as they went into his bloodstream.  He visibly slowed, but continued his assault, smashing the crocodiles into oblivion.  Manbearpig avoided eye contact as if to say "I didn't make those crocodiles, it was the cleric"

Manbearpig launched handfulls of fire, the much larger Ash stabbed, Tribby evoked her magic missiles, and Jay El doomed the Ogre with an evil, degenerative spell.

Poonose whirled, seeing the source of his rage and ran towards her.  Ash attempted to seize this opportunity, but missed in the commotion; Tribby saw him coming, and landed a single, thunderous blow to his noggin.

"Leave...  Skuh... skid...maaark...... ah...alooo..nnnne..." he cried, as he succumbed to his wounds, gripping Tribby's fur in a failed attempt to take her with him.

Manbearpig attempted to shoot him with an arrow and missed.  "Dang."
(They looted his corpse)

[+1 hide armor, +1 greatclub, ring of protection +1]

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May 19, 2010


The world went red.

Skidmark seemed to scream in protest as the horrible Ogre woman smashed it senselessly with her club.  This was the kind of shit Poonose had left the Ogres for in the first place.  The senseless violence, the wanton destruction.

Poonose forgot his anger management tapes.

He forgot his meditations.

He forgot that he was one with nature.
He forget serenity now.

HE FORGOT, and went into a full-on Wilson-is-just-a-volleyball-but-its-been-my-only-companion-for-so-long-that-I-think-it-talks-to-me-and-I-will-so-totally-kill-you-for-hitting-it-with-your-club RAGE.

He released himself, and allowed himself to do what his species was born to do.

Poonose smashed.

Tribby's head caved in, and she went down like a huge, smelly sack of potatoes, her ribs breaking and imploding under the impact to her skull, as her spine fractured and her left shinbone cracked under the sudden strain.


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You may have heard of people purchasing their WoW accts a while back?  Well, now it is possible to buy D3 accounts!

I gotta say, this game looks pretty cool.  Blizzard rarely (if ever?) disappoints.  Their multiple custom classes will make for some new and exciting gameplay (plus hey, new systems, better graphics, all that jazz)

I'm not sure exactly where they'll go with D3, but, leave it to Blizzard to make a great idea even better.

Details are still sketchy as to when the accounts will be available for purchase (one would presume shortly after the game's official release) - a popular account-selling site still has "coming soon" in its main selling page for D3, so... we shall see!

Personally, the idea that someone came up with, that they could be really good at a video game, and put up a sign saying "D3 accounts for sale" and be able to sell their "work" is just brilliant.

Where were you chumps when I was a kid, eh?  Ah, but how like a grumpy old man to blame the youth for the treasure which erupts form having new and innovative ideas.

Good for you, lads.  Keep on innovating and living off your dreams and passions!
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May 18, 2010

The drug deal for the kids goes horribly wrong

Poonose comes out "What you want!?"

"(Or we could do that.  That would work, too.)" came the collective group's muttering.

"We're friends of the fairies, we wanna buy some drugs!"

"Okay, Poonose coming." -- the phrase illicited a horrid mental picture for the group, as he rowed out to meet them in his rather huge, clearly homemade rowboat.  The name "Skidmark" lovingly... painted, let's say, on the side.

"What you want?" Poonose's repeated query came, succinctly.

"Well, we were hoping you might tell us how to make Smokeweed or Funnyjam." They smiled.

Poonose chuckled "That Poonose's trade secret.  Sorry."

The group whispered to each other about killing the rather large-eared creature.  "Yeah, we could totally just kill him and take it, right?  Yeah, no we could - uh huh, what about if you light his house on fire to distract him?  Yeah, we could..."

Tribby decided to smash Skidmark, the lovingly crafted boat that had taken Poonose months of sanding, polishing and carving, with her club, in an effort to make a point.

She succeeded.
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May 17, 2010

The direct approach

The whistling, happy troupe paused.  Tribby had spotted some traps.  In fact, she easily spotted the snare trap, and threw a rock at it, setting it off.

"That wasn't so bad." they laughed, and Tribby decided to smash the floor with her club for the remaining half mile of travel, setting off several more similar traps along the way.

They came to a clearing, and saw a large lake - thereupon centrally rested a large, clearly renovated houseboat.  Presumably, this was Poonose's humble abode.

Stealthily, they approached - taking the time to circumnavigate the lake, noting that Poonose's(?) boat was docked at the houseboat, in the middle of the lake.

"Well, we could light the house on fire, then swim down and collect the gems." Offered Ash.

"Wait, weren't we going to talk to this guy, and buy drugs for the kids?"

"Pfft, nah, I say we waste him."

"Okay... well, that seems like a good idea, now that you've put it so eloquently.  But how do we know he's home?"

"The boat?"

"The boat's a good point.  Okay, let's send in my bird.  I'll charge it up with shocking grasp, and when he gets hit by the bird, it'll zap him, and that'll piss him off!"

"How is that good?"

"Okay, so the plan needs work."

"What if I kill the boat?" Ash prompted.

"What?" Jay El replied.

"I could totally kill the boat.  You charge me up with some super spell, I launch through the air... I think I could kill the whole houseboat with one hit."

"That's silly."

"No, really, here look!" Ash borrowed Manbearpig's stick without asking, and began drawing physics equations in the dirt.  "See?  My mass would be increased by the giant growth, and..."

Meanwhile, Tribby explored some more, doing some observations.  There didn't appear to be anything overtly hostile in the water; at least, nothing that she could see.

"yeah, but wouldn't your spear crack under the impact?  Or your shoulders explode from the sheer force of doing that?"

There also seemed to be an Ogre-sized hole - clearly this was Poonose's lair.  The multiple approach vectors that this indicated could be tactically taken advantage of through a series of well placed spells of which she could easily...

"No, you see, this spell would increase my strength so dramatically, that I could hold on just as easily as I hold on the rest of the time.  But, you're right about the spear... it would probably shatter under the impact - still, pretty cool concept, killing a house..."

Tribby sighed.  "HEY!  POONOSE!"
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May 16, 2010

Gah! Bugs!

The group trotted through the large safe-zone, which, they surmised, had been made safe by the fact that the Bulette they'd killed last time had eaten everything else.

"What could possibly go wrong, now that we've killed the thing that was killing everything else, right?" They laughed, the sounds of the wilderness around them.

A huge segmented insect with slender legs, each ending in a sharp claw, emerged from the ground in a burst of rock and dirt. A tough chitinous brown shell covering its entire body; its glistening black eyes staring out from above powerful mandibles.

"Oh dang it." They said.

Two more burst up around them, flanking them and cutting off the means of any escape.

"Oh come on!" They complained.

Tribby reared up her club and smashed  the bug to the ground.  It shook its head and screamed, clearly having underestimated its prey, and sprayed a slick line of acid at her, dissolving her shirt, but otherwise doing very little to the Ogre.

Jay El smiled, and blessed the group.  Things would go in their favor - he could feel it.

Ash launched himself at it, and came down with a piercing lunge, neatly shishkabobing the would-be terror, while Shitanya remembered she had a breath weapon.  "ssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" she bellowed, enveloping one of the bugs in a cone of absolute zero, freezing it solid.

The last remaining bug, if it had had any brains, would've bugged out, but, it decided to attack Manbearpig instead, and was quickly liquefied by the group.

"Whew.  That wasn't so bad." they laughed.  "Should we grab one of those acid sacks?"

They decided that the acid might burn their bag of holding, or them, when they tried to remove it, and carried on without searching for treasure.

"oooh, we're off to see the Ogre... the smelly ogre of Roe - okay, he's not really from Roe, but that was the right number of syllables...
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May 15, 2010

Hey, mind if we leave some of our shit here?

"Hey, we're just gonna dump some of our crap here.  Hope you don't mind." Ash said, rhetorically, dumping out his bag of holding's contents.

The huge pile of bloody morning stars, bloody bits of broken armor, sacks of poison, scrap metal, broken class, drano, and other fun things for the fairies to play with all spewed out.

Manbearpig smiled, and dumped Gluestick's pack's contents upon the ground as well.  "Yeah, this crap was really weighing us down.  Thanks again."

Tribby lifted the 250 lbs dead carcass' skin and threw it onto the heap.  "Whew, glad I'm not carrying THAT disgusting thing around anymore!  It looks right at home in this little fairy paradise.  Adds a nice touch of... what's the word... ah, crap."

The fairies looked at the pile, and frowned, but, being the nice lil' fellers they were, quickly forgave the group their minor indiscretion.  After all, they were going to pick up the pile of crap soon enough.

"So, how did it go with Poonose?"

"Poonose?" Jay El got jabbed in the ribs by Ash.  "Oh right!  Poonose!  Yeah... ummm we got lost.  Sorry."

Petal laughed at their folly.  Apparently the map he'd drawn for them wasn't quite simple enough.  "Okies, so, you go in a line... that way." she clarified.

"What the hell gender is Petal, anyway?" came Jay El's observation.  "Meh.  Whatevs."

NOW!  We go to Poonose!  They declared, and merrily trotted off.  (Gluestick the merriest of them all, being unencumbered except for Manbearpig's ass)

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May 14, 2010

Well hell, what do we do now?

The group paused, and, after getting a basic description of all the goings-on, and making sure that Skuzz knew nothing important (except the existence of secret tunnels in and out of Roe, which were too small for the characters to use, and the various secrets of the gems he'd eluded to knowing about previous) and clearly could not contribute anything to the group (except for his backpack of magic paraphernalia he'd taken from Gustoff's shop, and his own supply before leaving the town) and they all parted ways.

"Sniff, I'm gonna miss that lil' rat." came Tribby's unanticipated emotional response.

"Ah, don't worry." came Jay El's reply, as he inserted the shard into his chest.  "My pointer thingie is pointing in the direction he just went.  Maybe we'll meet again some day soon."

"Maybe." She sighed, plotvelopmentally.

"Now then!  Let's head back to the fairies' village!" Ash prompted.  "We can leave all our shit there!"

"Yeah, I guess we could, couldn't we?"

"Sure!  They're like 4 year olds - what are they going to do with any of our stuff?"

"Good point.  Alrighty.  Off to the fairies!" they jovially trotted.  Jay El most jovially of all.  "I like fairies" he smiled.

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May 13, 2010

Thank goodness we saved you

Tribby managed to escape the swearing, highly confused ogre and even managed to light his sack on fire.

This accelerated things to a sliiiiightly more violent level.  In fact, Shitsmear was pissed.  "God damn ogre women and their fucking drama" he thought to himself.  "I'm going to teach that bitch a lesson!" he grabbed his weapons, and headed after her.  The bitch had stolen his shirt and fried his nuts!

Craptastic, seeing that the situation had elevated, decided to fire off a bolt at the now-only-semi-naked thief as his fellow guardsman flopped after her, (but missed horribly).

Tribby, weighed down by her backpack of rotting corpse (the rhino sized creature she'd killed previously) was slowly being overtaken by the considerably less encumbered, rather miffed ogre.

Manbearpig shot Tribby in the leg.  "Sorry!  My bad!" came his apology.  Shitanya looked at him pointedly, remembering his previous attempt to help her.  "What?  Bows are tricky!" he replied, as they collectively swayed in the tree.

The guardsman shot again, missing not-quite-as-horribly as Manbearpig, but still quite woefully.  And Shitsmear tackled Tribby to the ground.  "Gonna rape the everlivin' out of you now!" he bellowed as a rock whizzed by his head.

Jay El frowned, and Ash comforted him "hey, at least you didn't hit Tribby."  Jay El brightened.  There was that, at least.  Ash smiled, seeing that he'd comforted the lad, and spear-flea-jumped his way off the tree to land neatly beside the smoking sack and the sexually frustrated ogre attached to it.  Ash poked him.

Not liking being on the receiving end of an unwanted intrusion, the Ogre stumbled to his feet and saw that this was actually an ambush.  "Uh oh." he managed to say, before getting gang-beat by the group.

The other guardsman in their towers all rang their alarm, again, noticing the distinct difference between a harmless, innocent raping and an ambush.

The party took off like crazy.  Skuzz laughing like crazy the whole time.

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May 12, 2010

Guys? Getting raped over here... hello?

"Yeah, think about it - they say its the world's oldest profession, right?" Ash extrapolated.

"Oh, I see where you're going with this." Jay El replied.

"Right, see, Elves are the oldest civilization, which means that, unless they were all unemployed for a few thousand years..."

"Right!  By a process of elimination, Elves created prostitution."


"Man, I could sure go for some Elven prostitutes right about now."

"Aren't you married?"


"Dude, you have a daughter and everything!"

"Yeah, I know... but like, I'm like 90% in love with her, y'know?"

"Your daughter?"

"No, I mean, I'm just... all this time on the road, and everything - I just remember being 100% totally in love with my wife, and being completely passionate about returning home and saving the day and all that."

"Yeah?  So what happened?"

"I dunno man, I just... hanging out with those Fairies, I kinda had the thought that... I could just hang out there, y'know?  I mean, those fairies are really cool.  They kind of remind me of kids in general.  Maybe we could just hang out there and skip the whole save the world, thing.  What do you think?"

"Man, I just wanna kill stuff.  Fairies are gay."

"Well, fair enough.  It was a thought, anyway.  Hey, is Tribby getting raped?"

"No, she's okay - she got up."

"Oh.  Okay."


"So you'd really want to just live with the fairies?"

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May 11, 2010

Tribby gets raped (again)

As neither the guards, nor Tribby, understand each other - for the purposes of this capture, both will be speaking in gibberish.

The naked Ogress, trundled up to the nearest guard tower, and called out "Boooogarh!  Floogie floogie?"

The two guards looked down, and made some comments "blooga blooga ka wanga mookie?"

Tribby smiled, and replied "tinka tinka walla binka!"

The guards elbowed each other, and one decided to head down.  And put the moves on the naked lady (though, in his experience, naked Ogre women rarely needed coercion into sex) "Wunga... wunga?" he smiled.

She decided to illustrate her desires, and began pulling on first her breasts, then, his shirt.

The Ogre needed no more encouragement, and began disrobing.

"Wunga!  Wooonga!" She yelled.

He nodded, off-handedly, "gunka gunka, walla wunka" he muttered, taking off his pants.

"woola boola!" She exclaimed

He nodded and smiled, he'd had that reaction many times before.  "woolah." He grinned, and advanced on her.  She pushed him away, he advanced, she pushed him away, he advanced.  He'd had experiences like this, before, too - and knew what to do.

"burly a nogga ficha eh?" he smiled and grappled her to the ground.

She escaped, and thought to herself "escape the rapist, or snag a free shirt..." she bent over and picked up his shirt.  He grappled her to the ground again.  "Bad call." she thought to herself.

The Ogre woman squirmed and wiggled and failed to remove the Ogre from between her legs a second time.

"WUNGA!" came his triumphant cry as he entered her.  The guard up in the tower applauded.  It would be his turn next.

Tribby grunted, and successfully disentangled the fellow.  "Well, at least THIS time he didn't finish..." she rationalized, clearly having been raped one time too many.

"So you're saying elves created prostitution?" Jay El replied to Ash, as they hung out in the trees.

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May 10, 2010

I thought she'd never leave

"Man, I thought she'd never leave" Skuzz said, coming out from the bushes, as Tribby trundled her way up to the guard tower like a naked-yet-horrific, hairy version of Baywatch.

"Skuzz!" The party exclaimed like a bad 80's bar-based-sitcom cast.

"Yeah, how the fuck yew doin'?" He replied, in his typical, personable manner.

"Can we kill him now?" Came Ashley's pointed remark.

"Hey fuck-face, good to see you too." He smiled, and looked up at the other branch, "you too dog-face" he said, pointing in a somewhat facetious flirtatious manner to Shitanya.  "How's poopin' on tings workin' out fer ya by the way?"

"Seriously, can we just tie him up or something?  I haven't stabbed a damn thing today." Ash continued, his requests falling on deaf ears (ironically).

Manbearpig, in a rare moment of authority, puffed out his chest and prepared for a soliloquy without equal.  "No." he said, gesturing with a twig.  "No."

As a group, they looked somewhat silly, all in the same tree, talking to a rat.  If one were to paint a painting of the scene, it'd probably be misinterpreted as some representation of the downfall of society, or something about the plague.  Thankfully, there were no painters nearby.

"What happened here?" came Jay El's slowly swaying query.  "I should probably get down from this tree..." he figured, and hopped down.  "So yeah, what happened here?"

"Yeah, it was the damnedest thing - the Ogres and the Bugbears, who never worked together before, mind you, banned together and took out the Orcs.  Normally, that wouldn't have been so easy for dem ta do, but, turns out, some folks wiped out the majority of the Orcs a bit before dat, so it was mostly women and children dat were left.  Anyhoo, after dat, dey took out Kippy - da Halfling village.  Dey pretty much just depended on da Orcs bein' a good buffer for dem.  I even heard dey wuz given' dem weapons 'n stuff sometimes - y'know, like usin' dem as shields.  Roe did da same."

The group looked at each other awkwardly.  "Uh huh." they said.

"Anyways, I'm not sure how da Halflings didn't notice all dis was happenin' - and they're usually pretty good at gettin' messages to Roe - I mean, there was no fuckin' warning at all!  The attack came and we wuz all like 'what the fuck' y'know what I mean?"

Shitanya avoided eye contact and made a mumbling excuse about not paying attention.

"Anyway, the ogres and da bugbears pretty much wiped out da humans.  Shitface wuz a good friend doe.  I mean, he stuck wit' me.  Fought against his own kind and gave us time to get outta dere.  He was a good guy.  Fuckin' dumb, but a good man."

"What about Gustoff?  Did he make it out?"

"Nah, dey burned his place to da ground.  The bugger never had a chance.  I talked wit' him though, before da end.  He told me ta give youse guys the shard.  He gave me a bunch o' moonstones, so, I figured you guys' price wuz paid 'n all dat.  So...  yeah.  Here."

"Wow, that's an honorable thing to do, for a rat.  I'm impressed."

"Hey, I'm Skuzzy, y'know?  I mean, I do some stuff most folks'd 'tink wuzin't da best, most nobelest ting.  But yeah, I'm a rat o' my word.  Besides, it was his dying request, y'know?  Bygons."

"Cool.  Well, thank you for that."

"Hey, yer welcome man."


"So why the fuck are you hangin' out with an Ogre, anyway?"

"Oh, that's Tribby, she got transformed."

"Bah hah ahahaa hahaha, da fuckin' broad!?  No shit, really!?  Ha ha ha ha ha, dat's hillarious!  Why is she goin' into town?"

"Oh, well, we thought she'd go and... talk with... the evil murdering marauders.  Naked.  Without speaking their language."


"Good plan, right?"

"Its a plan, sure.  So... how good of a friend is dis Tribby?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, uh... no reason.  I'm sure your plan'll work out... awesome.  Do you mind if I hang out 'n watch?"

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May 9, 2010

No, we're not using mist this time

The group decided to think about their strategy.

"Okay, so, learning from our experience with the Orcs..."
"Right, no mist and listening for gems."
"Okay, glad we all agree on that.  So, let's start off by climbing a tree and looking at them."
"Good call."
Tribby's huge bulk made the tree sway a little, but, well, it seemed to work out okay.

Hours went by.

"Or, we could send Tribby in with all of our stuff and she could sell it."
"Right right... but...  who here actually TRUSTS Tribby?"
(Shitanya half-raises her hand, looks around and slowly lowers it)
"Right.  So, no, we're not gonna be doing that."
"Okay, what if we send Tribby in to just see if they'll trade with us?"

The group discussed various methods of doing that, including, but not limited to, using giant growth on her in an effort to allow her to please multiple Ogres with her gigantic vagina.

The summary of the plan was that the naked, non-Ogre-speaking-Ogre was going to negotiate with the other Ogres who were, for the majority, soldiers who had been away from their women for some time now.  While they opted not to use mist (which, really, would have made it the perfect plan) it was still an awesome plan.  But, thinking ahead about how likely it was to turn out horribly wrong, Jay El buffed up the naked female non-Ogre-speaking-Ogre negotiator with some spells.

"That aughta work." they nodded in agreement, staying in their safe tree haven  "Have fun!" they offered as encouragement.

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May 8, 2010

The Armored Snow Suit

The group worked together to skin the huge monstrous creature, and smoked the skin so as to avoid any rotting smell.

The group had returned to its jovial nature, and Tribby paraded around with her arms sticking out of various orifices of the dead creature.  "Lookit me!  I'm in an armored snow suit!" she laughed.

The group needed some laughter after the fearful encounter, though Manbearbig silently took offense to the disrespect being shown to the dead, and did a silent prayer.

After a while, the group realized that they were heavily burdened by their wares.  The creature's skin weighed 250lbs, and, there was still the ridiculous amount of leather armors, morning stars, scrap metal, and other random bits of crap they'd picked up along the way.

Poor gluestick was looking very much like the horseshoes he wore, and was in dire need of being relieved.

Tribby hoisted the skin and, as a group, they decided it would be best to head back to Roe, where they could unburden, sell what they did not need, and perhaps re-equip with even mightier, and hopefully lighter wares.

Taking the same route that they took, they remarked at the decaying goblins, having been picked fairly clean by the circle of life, and eventually came to an unfamiliar clearing of trees.

It seemed that, in their absence, Roe had been completely taken over by Ogres and Bugbears, who had banded together and killed the Orcs, halflings, and humans.

Shitanya smacked her forehead "d'oh!  I knew I forgot to do something!"

The party looked at her sideways and waited.  "uh...  eeEEeaaugh?"

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May 7, 2010

Big Bad Bulette named Beatrice

The huge, armored creature snorted and leapt into the air, far more agilely then its frame would indicate possible,  and brought down all four of its claws into Tribby's chest and stomach.  Tribby winced from the pain and staggered backwards from the impact, feeling the rush of panic induced adrenaline - the pain cleared, and she realized that she wasn't dead.  Her new Ogre body had saved her from what would have otherwise been a fatal blow!  She roared a challenge!

Manbearpig, galloping upon Gluestick, sprang into action and flanked the creature, firing off an arrow, which glanced harmlessly off of its hide.  Ash launched himself at the creature, his spear sparking and failing to find purchase as his body screamed down from the heavens, until, miraculously, it found purchase between one of the creature's plates and sunk into the flesh below.

The single minded creature bellowed and shoved him aside, renewing its attack upon Tribby, as Jay El attempted to take hold of the creature's mind "HEEEEL!" he screamed.  Shitanya looked to the heavens, and called upon her holy power of being really pissed off.  "sssssssHhhhHHHHHIIIIIIIIT!" she screamed, launching herself and flying into a dragon-blooded barbarian rage.  The beast met her head on, her claws bouncing off the armor harmlessly, "shit, shit!" but her powerful bite sinking in and crunching through the scales.  The beast roared at the nuisance, and angled its head slightly to deflect Tribby's huge club, which bounced harmlessly off the creature's huge, thick skull.

The Bulette opened its huge mouth, and the acrid stench of those who'd fallen prey to it before assaulted Tribby's newfound sense of smell, distracting her enough so that the creature's bite landed solidly into her midsection.  She screamed in pain, as she felt its maw sink deep into her stomach, tearing into her internal organs.

"HEEEEEL!" Jay El screamed to no avail, as Shitanya and ash continued to thrash and stab at the armored creature.  Manbearpig attempted a different approach, and launched a huge, rolling ball of fire at the rear flank of the creature.

The beast snorted and was momentarily distracted by the fire, allowing Tribby's greatclub to land with devastating impact which would have smeared to paste many a creature.  She felt her club crack under the impact of the blow, and saw the bulette's head visibly shift from the impact, as it let out an injured snort of pain and frustration.

The wounded creature raised its mouth to bite Tribby a third time, though successful, it was clearly weakening from the onslaught.  Manbearpig launched handfuls of fire at the creature, while his sphere of fire continued to burn the creature's back - Shitanya screamed in draconic rage and Ash thrust his spear mightily into the beast.

Tribby gathered her strength.  It was her, or it, in this last attack, and both she, and the creature knew this.  The huge behemoth realized it would not be able to dodge the attack and made peace with whatever gods it may have worshiped, and fell to the ground, as Tribby's thunderous blow echoed off of its skull.

Tribby fell to the ground, clutching at her insides, as the rest of the party ensured that the creature would not rear up like a bad horror movie villain, and eventually, Jay El healed her of her wounds, and consoled her on just how close to death she had come.

Tribby stood up and observed the mighty fallen creature.  "I could totally wear that."

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May 6, 2010

Hey... do you hear that nothing?

Tribby's ears twitched.  "Y'know what?  Its quiet.  Too quiet."

"WHAT!?" The half-deaf Ash replied.

"I mean... since becoming an Ogre, I've gained remarkable hearing... and... I don't really hear anything except the sounds of us walking, some wind in the trees... that's it."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" Ash queried.

"I mean, no squirrels, no deer... nothing."


"We should be on our guard... it may be that there's a predator of the skies that's eaten them all.  We were warned, you'll recall, about some of the flying..."

The ground suddenly shook and rolled.  "Oh dang it!"

The ground then burst open to reveal a terrible, armor-plated, bullet-shaped creature with a huge snapping maw and short, powerful legs.

Manbearpig had heard legends of this terrible beast.  It was known as a Bulette - and it was baaaad news.

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May 5, 2010

The safest way

Petal draws up a very accurate kid-drawing-map (basically a big circle, a line, and a stick drawing of a fairy) "See, dis is us"
"Okay..." Jay El squinted
"And dis is dem."
"Right right..."
"And den dis is a safeplace route - you goes in dis way and its super safzies, very safezies, no scarybites, only birdies sometimes. You go, yes? Gives some shinies to poonose, he likes the reds ones best."

Ash frowned "You said that already, damn it, I am really not killing a damn thing right now, y'know that?  I mean, sure, there's parasites living on human skin in a constant state of dying and growth... then there's my liver cells, a few billion die every second, while a few billion more are created... but that's just not the same as jumping and stabbing something with a spear, y'know?"

The party looked awkwardly over at Ash, then looked back at Jay El, who clearly was the most proficient at communicating with the equivalent-of-4-year-olds.

"So its kind of a straight line?"
"Ya, except for dis bit here, it goes all loopty loop, because there's sum thorny bushes and you could hurtsies your hands if you touch dem so you go uuup and arooound and then throooough, and then you go straitsies some more."
"Thorn bushes.  Like, just regular... thorn bushes?  Not like... a big... self aware giant topiary creature or something?  Okay, that sounds doable..."

The party made their way to Poonose.

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May 4, 2010


Petal gently flies up and guides the misguided... that is to say, previously misguided - Petal has an excellent sense of direction - fairy towards the fairy equivalent of a bench, and laughs with the rather ridiculously badly acting Ogre.

"Hehe, he tinks youse is Poonose (giggle)"

"YEAH THAT WAS FUNNY!" Tribby attempted, now accessing her ancient just-a-boyfriend-scamming-her-for-sex-money-and-laundry-delivery's most secret of teachings, which was to yell when covering up the fact that you were just lying.  "WHOSE POO NOSE, BY THE WAY!?"

"Poo nose is friendzies with us!  He gives us smokeweed and funnyjam, he's a super nice biggie."

"YEAH!  HE SOUNDS AWESooome!" She said, attempting to lower her voice and failing at first.  "So, what sorts of gifts to you give him? (totally not going to steal from you)"

"Oh, we gives him shinythings, he likes the red ones the best!  Petal shows you!" Petal flies off, and comes back with a hefty-for-a-fairy bag of 10 bloodstones.  "You can gifts it to him!  Poonose would likes you, you're a poonose now too! (laughs) only with your bumblies on your chest instead of between the legs!"


"Yes, OH!" Petal suddenly stops and points "YOU could get a WHOLE BUNCH of smokeweed and funnyjam!  Poonose wants to gifts us all the time, but we has not much carry - YOU HAVE BIIIIG CARRY!  You're a biiiig biggie!" Petal explained, clearly getting very excited.

It occurred to the party members, who apparently were kind of creepily standing right next to Tribby the whole time but staring off into space, that the petals were similar to 4 year olds.  They gave without thought of repayment, they asked without thought of politeness or protocol.  In essence, they were both the most selfish, and the most giving of mindsets.  Their antics at the party last night had been similar to kids in a playground with a new toy - they'd gathered around each other and without thoughts of anything in particular, enjoyed themselves.

The party had grown to enjoy the antics of the fairies - like running a supercharged daycare or something similar, and they couldn't help but smile at the fairy's child-like request.

"Pfft, why the hell would we do that?" Ash replied.  "Why the hell are we even here!?  What is this all about?  Who the crap am I not killing and... and..."

The rest of the party explained the backstory to him briefly.  "Shard, rats, stones, Gustoff, fairies."

"Jesus, this is the most convoluted..." he rambled off.

Jay El had an interesting idea.  "Hey!  Wanna play a game!?*"

The fairy kids all got really excited, and flew around him... excitedly, and inquired as to the basic layout of the game, the rules, and ultimately, like 3 year olds, remembered very little, but nodded very enthusiastically and kept running away in mid-explanation.

"Its like a scavenger hunt!  You try to find, hold on, you try to find some moonstones, okay wait, moonstones are rocks tha, hold on a sec, that give off a moon-ish glow, and whoever finds the most, I'll sing them a song!" The fairies took off like crazy in every direction - some of them looked under Tribby's fur, others up into the trees, some flew straight up, some simply flew in circles, wondering what team they were on.  A percentage of them flew out into the forest, looking for items.

After a while, some returned, triumphant with a boot, and a sparkly fishing hook.  Others had decided to play another game involving leaves and sticks, others still cried briefly about the teams being unbalanced, despite there never having had been teams assigned, and other still had braided Tribby's naughtybit-coverings.

Jay El looked back to Petal - "So, about Poonose, you want us to head out and grab you some smokeweed then?" And took the bag of 10 bloodstones.

*Actually, this kind of happened before the party, but I forgot so wrote it in here

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May 3, 2010

All you poo-named Ogres look the same to me

One of the more inebriated fairies, still attempting to recover from last night's adventure, approaches Tribby, thinking she is poo nose, and notes that he's never been to homeplace before.

"Heeeeey poooo NOOOSE!" The fairy drawled.

(It should be noted that, while stumbling and bumping into things would be an appropriate thing to mention, its a flying creature - so instead, imagine a fly with half of its body recently sprayed in hairspray, and gradually, as it hardened, slowly losing altitude, but then, suddenly, gaining a burst of energy, and raising upwards again, only then to be slowly overtaken by the liquid concrete yet again.)

Tribby seeing her opportunity to deceive the fairies quickly accessed her amazing acting skills which she had learned in the ancient Notreallyaplace Mountains from a self proclaimed master of disguise and misdirection.  So cunning was this fellow that he could convince rocks not to land on him, in the time it took them to fall to the ground.  His price had been high.  Daily sex, rubdowns and coins, plus she had to do errands for him every now and then, like pick up his socks from the leathersmithcleaners.  (he had leather socks)

"Uhh... yeeeEeah..." Tribby attempted, then, quickly followed up with "I'm totally Poonose...  hooooows it..." and, after a brief moment, "gooooo-ing?"

It occurred to her that the ancient teacher might have just been an old scab of a boyfriend with one of those Groucho Marx fake noses on, and that she simply hadn't been too astute at the time.
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May 2, 2010

Its Funzies Time!

"I'm gonna go grab me a club-branch" Tribby prompted, while the others discussed dust-collection ethics.

"Okay, what about a magic dust buster?  Y'know, we enchant something, put a teleport spell on it, it sucks up the dust..."
"Right... right, there's the dirt..."
"Yeah, right.  Well, we could sift it."
"We could, yeah."
"...might be hard."
"Yeah...  like, imagine... sifting out an old native american tribe's skin cells from say, dust and dirt."
"We've discussed just killing them, right?"
"What if we went to see the Kobolds?"
"To.... ask them about stuff."
"You just want to kill a crapload of kobolds."
"Okay, fine, yeah.  But... its hard to jump and poke in caves.  They'd have an advantage!"

(and so it went)

IiiiiIiiIIiiiiiits Funzies time!

The fairies grab onto Tribby's fur and pull her towards the party, some others grab the rest and get them to join.

There's a huge glowing orb in the center of the camp that emits neat holographic lights, and the adults all pass out the smokeweed and jars of funnyjam (to which everyone flocks to like they are insanely attracted to it beyond reason) while the kids play in the light and zap each other with purposefully weakened magic arrows.

The party is invited to join in, and everyone has lots of fun, and chases the little tickely arrow shooting tykes.

Tribby pretends to partake of the party's more illicit wares.  Everyone else is fairly sociable and gets moderately wasted.  Shitanya gets absolutely messed up and poops & barfs all over herself.

The party overhears many tails of some "bad fairies"

(There are 10 criminal faeries that have been exiled)

The next morning...
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May 1, 2010

The story continues

Okay, so, where'd we leave off again?
Ah yes, our heroes were attempting to pontificate the ramifications of various avenues of action in regards to the collection methods of their fairy friends.

"Well, we could kill all the fairies...  but, that'd be bad."
"And hard."
"(Right, and hard.)"
"What if we just shook 'em a lot and placed them over the bag of holding?  (We'd have to push some of the weapons and crap out of the way, granted)"
"Nnnnoooo... Not only would that not work, but, probably also be something of an affront to our current friendship..."
"Yeah, right... that...(lousy ethics)"
"Well, anybody have a dust pan?"
"I dooon't think that'll work.  Plus, I'm pretty sure we needed the FAIRIES, not the dust."
"Yeah, you're right.  (grind 'em up into powder?)"
"Distribution channels?"
"Possible... but... complicated..."
"Good thought, though."
"Yeah, creative."

"You biggies is confusings with the talkies!  Too much talkies, more plays!"
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