May 10, 2010

I thought she'd never leave

"Man, I thought she'd never leave" Skuzz said, coming out from the bushes, as Tribby trundled her way up to the guard tower like a naked-yet-horrific, hairy version of Baywatch.

"Skuzz!" The party exclaimed like a bad 80's bar-based-sitcom cast.

"Yeah, how the fuck yew doin'?" He replied, in his typical, personable manner.

"Can we kill him now?" Came Ashley's pointed remark.

"Hey fuck-face, good to see you too." He smiled, and looked up at the other branch, "you too dog-face" he said, pointing in a somewhat facetious flirtatious manner to Shitanya.  "How's poopin' on tings workin' out fer ya by the way?"

"Seriously, can we just tie him up or something?  I haven't stabbed a damn thing today." Ash continued, his requests falling on deaf ears (ironically).

Manbearpig, in a rare moment of authority, puffed out his chest and prepared for a soliloquy without equal.  "No." he said, gesturing with a twig.  "No."

As a group, they looked somewhat silly, all in the same tree, talking to a rat.  If one were to paint a painting of the scene, it'd probably be misinterpreted as some representation of the downfall of society, or something about the plague.  Thankfully, there were no painters nearby.

"What happened here?" came Jay El's slowly swaying query.  "I should probably get down from this tree..." he figured, and hopped down.  "So yeah, what happened here?"

"Yeah, it was the damnedest thing - the Ogres and the Bugbears, who never worked together before, mind you, banned together and took out the Orcs.  Normally, that wouldn't have been so easy for dem ta do, but, turns out, some folks wiped out the majority of the Orcs a bit before dat, so it was mostly women and children dat were left.  Anyhoo, after dat, dey took out Kippy - da Halfling village.  Dey pretty much just depended on da Orcs bein' a good buffer for dem.  I even heard dey wuz given' dem weapons 'n stuff sometimes - y'know, like usin' dem as shields.  Roe did da same."

The group looked at each other awkwardly.  "Uh huh." they said.

"Anyways, I'm not sure how da Halflings didn't notice all dis was happenin' - and they're usually pretty good at gettin' messages to Roe - I mean, there was no fuckin' warning at all!  The attack came and we wuz all like 'what the fuck' y'know what I mean?"

Shitanya avoided eye contact and made a mumbling excuse about not paying attention.

"Anyway, the ogres and da bugbears pretty much wiped out da humans.  Shitface wuz a good friend doe.  I mean, he stuck wit' me.  Fought against his own kind and gave us time to get outta dere.  He was a good guy.  Fuckin' dumb, but a good man."

"What about Gustoff?  Did he make it out?"

"Nah, dey burned his place to da ground.  The bugger never had a chance.  I talked wit' him though, before da end.  He told me ta give youse guys the shard.  He gave me a bunch o' moonstones, so, I figured you guys' price wuz paid 'n all dat.  So...  yeah.  Here."

"Wow, that's an honorable thing to do, for a rat.  I'm impressed."

"Hey, I'm Skuzzy, y'know?  I mean, I do some stuff most folks'd 'tink wuzin't da best, most nobelest ting.  But yeah, I'm a rat o' my word.  Besides, it was his dying request, y'know?  Bygons."

"Cool.  Well, thank you for that."

"Hey, yer welcome man."


"So why the fuck are you hangin' out with an Ogre, anyway?"

"Oh, that's Tribby, she got transformed."

"Bah hah ahahaa hahaha, da fuckin' broad!?  No shit, really!?  Ha ha ha ha ha, dat's hillarious!  Why is she goin' into town?"

"Oh, well, we thought she'd go and... talk with... the evil murdering marauders.  Naked.  Without speaking their language."


"Good plan, right?"

"Its a plan, sure.  So... how good of a friend is dis Tribby?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, uh... no reason.  I'm sure your plan'll work out... awesome.  Do you mind if I hang out 'n watch?"

How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

1 comment:

  1. oh man this is even funnier now that I have read the earlier quests


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