Dec 31, 2010

Basically, its very bad.

Eventually, the party agreed that hiding was a good plan, based on the sound of the rumbling indicating a large offensive force, or, at the very least, a freakin' huge something.

The group began deciding on who best to hold (and use) the wand of greater illusion they'd found earlier.

"Tribby have high concentration!" she claimed to the group.
Ash sighed, "that's... constitution."

DM's Note:  (We'll pretend that was great roleplaying.)

The group decided to give the wand to Raelin, who had excellent concentration (but, for the record, low constitution), and he crafted an illusionary forest around them, off the path - the theory being that this would look like any other forest, and would give whatever-it-was-that-was-coming no reason to investigate it.

As a precaution, they blindfolded the duckephant.

DM's note: I was very tempted on pointing out the vastness of player knowledge they were using when they decided to this - as they had never even once considered blindfolding one of their party before a previous battle, but, I thought to myself - "you might want to blindfold the duckephant, y'know, like you did the last time you came across a chariot, or a scorpion", might prove to be funny in the future.

The terrifying thing approached.  The group saw as a cohesive unit for the first time, exactly what Thaco and Manbearpig had done their best to describe.

T'was a monstrous creation.  A gigantic undead scorpion, fused to the hips of a gigantic undead humanoid, with multiple sets of arms.  The skeleton itself seemed to be permanently on fire.  And, while terrifying, the fact that he had a rather large, wooden sign that said "put dragon head here" on the scorpion's tail was... out of place.

Beside him on all sides were huge, rumbling chariots that seemed equipped with a variety of advanced weaponry, and many, many goblins who were operating the foul smelling machines.  Black smoke billowed out from their tops like an angry, slumbering dragon's fog.

Surrounding them were hundreds and hundreds of goblins, and hobgoblins; all of which, appeared to be searching for something.

The huge skeleton, screamed in its terrifying voice "FIND IT!"

Every single one of our band of heroes with exception of Ash  and Raelin, peed themselves and ran.

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Dec 30, 2010

What we have here...

Everyone stopped.  They too, heard, and indeed, even began to feel, the ominous rumbling.

Manbearpig thought silently to himself that it could be some kind of beast - perhaps a worm based on the steadiness of the rumbling.  Raelin was more inclined to think that it was some form of huge chariot.  Tribby came to the conclusion that it was likely not-tummy.

"Thaco." Tribby announced, reminding everyone that she had a familiar, "Go up and look."  Thaco blinked, looked at Tribby, and took off to the skies.

What Thaco saw was a little more that she(?) was able to communicate fully, but her birdbrain did its best.  "Burning... Death... Large... Wood." she(?) described, circling and then returning.  "Coming closer!"

Tribby relayed the bird's thoughts to the group.

"Maybe the forest is on fire?" Jay El put fourth.

Manbearpig thought that this was unlikely, as the cadence of the rumbling lacked the cadence of stampeding animals - however, he felt that it was best for Jay El to learn these things on his own.

Still, he silently reasoned to himself, it would probably be a good idea for the group to find out what it was.

Ash looked pointedly at Manbearpig "Go turn into a bird and give us better recon than Tribby's retarded bird."

Manbearpig nodded and did so.

Below him was a myriad of horrors, vast and terrifying.  Chief among the terrors was the 50 foot across undead scorpion, who appeared to have a giant, glistening skeleton (possibly metallic?) atop it, with multiple arms, and... it was on fire (and seemed to be okay with that).  Beyond that, there were huge...  Manbearpig struggled with what to call them, and ended up with wooden chariots the size of houses, with many, many goblins atop them.  Indeed, surrounding the group of mobile barracks and the fiery undead doom, there were hundreds and hundreds of goblins, and, what appeared to be hobgoblins as well.

Manbearpig returned to the group, and cleared his throat.

"I've had a big realization."

The group looked at Manbearpig expectantly.

"Huge scorpion, with a huge skeleton on top of it."

They looked at him some more.

"Its very bad."

He paused for effect, and, noting that they seemed to want a more elaborite description of everything, added "its very evil."

Ash looked at him, and sighed "What about the wood?"

"There's..." he paused "...a big carriage with many goblins on it."

Raelin decided to get some dialog in "Manbearpig, would you suggest we fight it?"

Jay El, who had been doing his best to listen to the cornucopia of vibrant descriptions coming from the twin recon team, added his own two bits "There's a scorpion?"

Manbearpig looked at him and squinted.

"How big of a scorpion?  Is the skeleton riding it?" Ash prompted

"THERE'S A SKELETON!?" Jay El squeaked

Manbearpig blinked

"What is it?" Med asked

"Should we light it on fire?" Raelin asked

Manbearpig waited for the questions to subside.  "'s... already on fire."

"WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT!?  WHAT'S ON FIRE!?" Jay El finished, totally exasperated.

Ash grunted, "How would you suggest we fight it?"

Raelin put in his two coppers "psh, how about get the hell out of the way and continue along our way?  How's that sound as a battle strategy?"

"What?  It's only one friggen' scorpion and a skeleton who is already on fire!  That's something Med could kill by herself!"
"No, there was wood!"
"ooOooh WOOoOOD, I'm sooOoo scared!"
"There were some goblins, too!"
"Oh yeah, because we've never been able to kill Goblins before."
"on a carrage!"
"A big carriage, he said a BIG carriage!"
"with little goblins!"
(this went on for a bit, and eventually...)
"but... player knowledge knows that what we're talking about is considerably more terrifying than what Manbearpig told us about!"
"too bad!  I'm fearless anyway, so I'm still going to say we fight it!"
"Fine then, you fight it!  I say we stick with Raelin's plan of hiding!"

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Dec 29, 2010

Poopie Maker?

"We're goin' to see da dwaaaarves, we're goin' to see da dwaaaaaarves..." Tribby skipped, singing to herself loudly.

"Hey." Jay El mumbled over at Ash.  "Where'd we get that from again?"


"The scroll thingie that the hummingbird thingie was so interested in."



"The Gnolls."

"Oh right."


"Are there Dwarves anywhere around here?"

"What, like a city?"

"Yeah.  What, Gnolls don't get to have a city?"

"Yeah, they might I guess; I don't think so, though."


"No, most of the Gnolls I've seen have been mercenaries."



"So... the other day, when we were talking..."

Tribby halted the group suddenly, hearing a slight rumbling.


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Dec 28, 2010

Better than randomly talking to a deer, at least.

Jay El looked back at Ash, but, he'd already moved onwards in his tireless march.  Jay El sighed, and put his armor back on and relaxed into the gentle lolling back and forth of Shibou's upper back.  It was like being rocked to sleep, and, honestly, it made it hard for him to stay fully alert.

Suddenly, a fiery hummingbird, presumably the same as before, shot towards the party from the North East and promptly stopped and hovered next to Raelin like a well trained dog expecting a treat.

Raelin, nonplussed, attempted to communicate.

(D'lar, d'luvian, d'skinnar d'shanty, floovie floove flooi, d'shaaaah...)
"To one who is not I, yet to whom we are all a part of, I greet the light of myself within you." he said, in Sylvan.

No response.

"Hello." he screamed in Draconic

No response.

(Oy, top o' the mornin' to y'then?)
"Well met." he tried, in Elven.

No response.

(How's it goin' eh?)
"I trust you are well?" he attempted, in Common.

No response.

(RREAAAGH!  Gurk gurk!  GRAACK!)
"Do you not seek violence?" he sighed, trying Orc.

No response.

(Eeeeey maaaan, whas' haaaappenin...?)
"State your business." he tried, in Goblin.

No response.

Raelin sighed, and opened the case.  The less than talkative bird immediately flew into the case.

Using his powerful Elven mind, Raelin faced the group and told them of his wise hypothesis.

"It would seem that it went somewhere."

They all nodded.

"And then it came back."

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Dec 27, 2010

British Cigarettes

"YOU!" Tribby came out of the tent, "YOU NO RIDE ON SHIBOU EITHER!" she yelled, pointing at Ash.

Ash attempted an idle grunt but lost it and turned it into a chuckle and half smile, slighlty re-straining his facial muscles.  "Psh!" he finished, "I never get tired and I run faster than you anyway."

Tribby pulled open her breeches and looked down curiously "Somehow... Tribby feel like less of a woman..."

Ash grunted "Don't see how that's possible." and then quickly ducked a ogre-hurled rock.

Jay El, not wishing to see the conflict escalate, quickly stood between the two potential combatants and placed his hands upon them.  "Wow Tribby, you're so..." Jay El stopped himself from saying smooth "justified in your anger, but we have to look at the big picture here!"

Tribby grunted "Tribby look later."

Jay El strained against the two tanks "Wait, wait!  Look, my chest compass is telling us which direction to go!" he lied, "and it says not to kill each other!"

Ash grunted "which way does it say to go, now?"

Jay El sighed, glad that the moment seemed to have passed, "It says to go directly behind where you are, actually - to the East."

Ash grunted.  "Well, we'll wrap things up with the Dwarves and head back there, then."

Jay El smiled.  Ash was in this for the long haul.  What a great friend.


As the party tromped Northwards, Jay El would pause from time to time and remove his armor so as to check his chest-compass for details.  Ash would stop as well, and look at him inquisitively.

"Yes.  It still says to the East." he smiled.  "I don't think its the Goblins, though - the way the compass is positioning, I think it'd be moving more precisely if it were..."

Ash grunted and looked at the arrow.  "Seems fairly stationary though."

Jay El smiled at his interest.  "Yes."

There was a moment where their eyes met.  "Yes it does."

A soft breeze flowed across Ash's hairless skin, causing it to goose bump.  Jay El noted that Ash's skin was moist with the dew of perspiration one tends to acquire from marching, even in the wintertime.

Snow fell all around them softly, and elegantly.

"HEY!" came a sudden yell from one of the slaves who the party had freed and encouraged to follow.  "CAN WE GO?"

Jay El looked away awkwardly from Ash, "that was hella weird..." he thought to himself "Uhh.. yeah?  Sure.  You guys can go."

"Okay!" The slave yelled, then turned to his slavemates  "Hey!  We can go!"

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Dec 26, 2010

From Cousin It to Powder in one second.

The group settled down for the night.  Jay El nuzzled into the rotting flesh of his new faithful hounds, Tribby wadded up a bit of Shibou-dung for a midnight snack, and Ash stood, ever vigilant.

He paused, had he slept in the last several days?  He certainly hadn't felt fatigued...  he smiled.  Must be a side effect of being so awesome.

Today, his vigilance had a slight tinge of menace to it.  He waited, patiently, until the teltale sounds of Tribby's snores erupted into the silence of the night, and then moved with purpose, tip toeing into her tent.

Ash cursed silently to himself.  He'd just pulled a muscle in his face and split his lip from doing an exercise he rarely found the time to do.  He was grinning ear to ear and stifling a giggle.

Ash quickly put the helm upon Tribby's head, and heard an audible FOOF as her predominant hair was suddenly, irrevocably and permanently shed.  Ash allowed a small giggle to escape his lips, which caused the Ogre to stir.  Panicking, he quickly grabbed his pink helm and took off in search of some soap to clean it with.

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Dec 25, 2010

You want my bone? I want it! Tadaaa

The group looted the one Ogre, but found little.  Content that their ruse had worked, they decided to move their party Northwards, in an effort to find some better fortified locations in which to camp.

"You no sit on Shibou." Tribby pointed at Raelin.

Raelin balked, and looked up at Tribby.  "I...  and why not?"

Jay El laughed and gave Tribby a high five.

Tribby, suddenly self concious and libra-like, amended "I don't think she carry so much."

Raelin frowned.  "Yes.  Because the thousands of pounds she was previously carrying greatly underweigh my elven frame."

Tribby smiled and shrugged, "I no count... good."

The party marched and road up the road... road.  Jay El looked up at Ash, who was sitting and off-handidly staring sternly at things from time to time.  He'd been so kind to Jay El recently, that, Jay El decided to press his luck a little.

"Hey Ash, I was thinking... you have a robe that makes undead, yeah?"

Ash grunted.

"Right, and well, I'm getting really good at controlling undead."

Ash grunted, and stared sternly at a butterfly that was getting suspiciously close to the party.

"And... uhh, (I think that's just a butterfly Ash) I was wondering if, maybe, you would uhh... (seriously, the butterfly isn't going to...)"

"You want my undead?" Ash suddenly enunciated at him, gruffly.

"Uh... yeah."

There was a pause in which Ash could have jumped and speared many a time.  "Fine." he grunted, and tossed them at Jay El.

Jay El nodded in appreciation.  Ash was really warming to him, he could tell.

+2 Zombie Dogs
+2 Skeleton Dogs
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Dec 24, 2010

Her shredded sacks of meat previously brought all the boys to the yard.

A bulette, similar in appearance to the one the party had battled previous, with exception to being the size of rat from the perspective of an ant... er that is to say, it was very much bigger, BURST from the ground beneath the party, instantly killing all within the hole.

Ash looked back in terror as the gigantic behemoth erupted from the ground and smiled as the prism of power nestled snugly against his chest.  He could totally take it.

Jay El, just now regaining consciousness from his previous relationship with a hurled boulder, screamed in terror as everything around him was enveloped and torn asunder by the beast.  Everything... except...

Jay El paused.  How was he alive?  Oddly, he hadn't thought to call upon Abatu... almost as if Jay El's higher self, his soul, that which controlled him if you will, had somehow known that this emergency was false...

Ash yanked his spear from the splattered entrails of the Ogre and turned to face this new challenge.  A slough of arrows pierced his behind and he yelped with surprise.  No matter.  He could take all of them, too.

Still, it was a pity about the utter mutilation beyond repair that had befallen Med's rather perfect rack... He'd yet to jump and spear that, if he knew what he meant (which, he did), and that was really a shame...

The ogres all screamed and ran, hoping the beast would be content to simply eat what remained of the slaves and adventurers (which, from the looks of things, was something resembling jello with chunks of ham in it)

Tribby smilled.  "TAA DAAAH!"

Everyone looked at her with disguised looks of terror and relief.

"Oh." they all smiled

"we all totally knew that was an illusion." and, after a brief moment, added "uh... Well done, Tribby."

Tribby beamed.

Raelin, still invisible, noted a small amount of pee in his drawers, and shook his leg.  He would deobfuscate once he'd tended to matters of dignity.


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Dec 23, 2010

Oh right, the Ogres.

They didn't sleep long.

While nestled safely within the large pit with a choke point as an entrance, surrounded by slaves, and the corpses of people who were expected home hours ago ($15,000 richer, mind you - so less likely to be forgotten), the unthinkable happened.  The Ogres, who lived about an hour away, went to investigate.

The party, who had opted to borderline use the corpses of the fallen Ogres as mattresses in the very quarry that was to be the staging ground for the Ogre/Goblin exchange of goods, was very surprised to discover that they were surrounded by a rather angry collection of Ogres, who, again, unthinkably, were concerned as to the location of their money, as well as the condition of their fallen allies littered about the area.

Ash, who hadn't been sleeping, was the first to note that there was an Ogre at the entrance of the quarry.

"YOU..." said the Ogre, as Ash launched himself into the air, spear-first.  "...HAVE..." he manged to say, before Ash's spear sunk into the Ogre's throat.  (the next word was somewhat muffled as a result of the damage to the Ogre's speaking apparatus)

The rest of the party awoke with a fright.  Jay El, most surprised that any fools would attack such a well fortified position, began a prayer just as a huge boulder landed on him, squishing him quite flat.

It seemed that the well fortified position had a few small flaws.  The Ogres had the high ground, and were concealed, and the party had only one way out.

Raelin noted the flattened Cleric's twitching hand and turned invisible.  Another huge rock landed right next to him.  He took a step to the left and hugged the rock.  "At least this way, the next rock'll probably hit this boulder instead of me..." he silently reasoned to himself.

Tribby cast mirror image.  It wouldn't help much for the boulders, who, as near as anybody could tell, were simply being thrown in blind like well placed artillery, but, it would help her when she decided to leave the pit and attack.  (though, to be honest, she wasn't too thrilled about that option, either)

Med reached down and attempted to heal Jay El, but, the fact that he was two dimensional made it difficult.  Tribby reached down and helped heave the boulder off of his corpse; at which point Med's healing was considerably more effective.

Tribby had a thought, and pulled out her wand of greater illusion.  "Bibbidy bobbidy squiggley spooch!  Make a ginormous bullet monster shoot out of the ground and scare everyone!" she rhymed.  

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Dec 22, 2010

Low ground with a choke point is good, right?

Tribby ran into the quarry and stomped right next to Raelin, interrupting his meditation again, and flung her arms around Shibou's leg.  "TRIBBY MISS SHIBOU.... TRIBBY MISS YOU SO... oooh, Shibou need new armor..." she finished, noting that the Ogres had removed sizable chunks of the creature's plate mail.

There was a pregnant but aborted pause "So what we do?" Tribby transitioned, "we follow big monster?"

Ash smiled at the Ogre.  Her bloodlust was kinda growing on him.  "We camp."

"We camp?

"We camp."



"We sleep... here?"

"Right here."

"In rock place?"



Jay El put his hand between Ash and Tribby "It's a fairly fortified location" he reasoned.

Tribby shrugged.  She was the dumb one, after all.  "okay." she acquiesced, bedding down in the pit surrounded by rocks/high ground with only one entrance in or out.

DM's note: (Silently, Renee, Tribby's player, screams in protest)

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Dec 21, 2010

Oy, in verse.

Ash blinked.

Med snored.

Raelin frowned into his meditation.

Ash blinked again.  "I think I'm gonna go see what Tribby and Manbeardufus are up to." he grunted.  "Hey, Med.  C'mon."

"zzzzzz (snort) muaAh?  Gwah?  Huh?"

"Shut it, let's go already.  I'm bored."

"mmm... okay.  By slavies." She mumble-purred like a drunk kitten getting out of a pile of other, slightly smellier, clearly more disheveled kittens at the kitty equivalent of a frat party.

", should we just leave Raelin here?" She yawned

"Fuck 'em?" Ash replied in his most reasoning and sympathetic tone.

Med nodded, understandingly.

They tromped through the forest for about two minutes, when Ash suddenly heard a rather large clatter...
and wondered just what, if anything, was the matter.  

Deciding to jump up the tree with care,
he looked down at med and noticed the majority of her chest was bare.  

"Thank Pelor for your cleavage" he thought to himself, 
"those babies could hold snacks just like a shelf."

Tribby ran through the forest, smashing down trees, 
as though panic stricken and fearful of a hive of bees.  

But bees weren't what made Tribby run quite so fast, 
but rather t'were Ogres bearing down upon her mast.  

Six, to be precise, were chasing her so, 
Six of the ogres were what came from Roe.

"Oh Shit!" Med squeeked, climing a tree of her own, 
being less able to leap up on her... own.  

"There's Ogres coming, and they're coming fast!"
Ash laughed to himself and stared at her ass...t?


Anyway, Tribby ran with Jay El palmed like a football, and spotted Ash; to whom she yelled the warning that there were 6 Ogres behind her, but kept running.  Manbearpig road beside them, seeing nobody and saying nothing.

Jay El waited for the Ogres to pass, and jumped down and killed one of them.  The rest scattered in 5 different directions and ran away.

Meanwhile, Shibou was trampling her way back to the quarry, following Thaco.  The elephant ran riiiiiight up to Raelin, who chanced interrupting his meditation to peak out of one, fairly concerned eye... but the duckephant stopped in front of him and snorted.

DM's Note: What's with the Christmassy rhyming all of a sudden? I have no idea where that came from, sorry folks. Secondary note: No, I don't know how Jay El got to Tribby to be carried like a football. One of those "I assumed I went with them" things.

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Dec 20, 2010

The power of belief

Ash explained the battle plan a few more times to Tribby, and, eventually, Tribby understood and followed through.  She and Manbearpig took off towards Roe, and, once at the clearing, cast message upon THACO, Tribby's falcon, and had it fly towards Shibou.

"Shibou!  Shibou!  Come to Tribby!" Yelled Tribby into her spell, which carried her voice to the bird.

Shibou's ears perked up.  It was her friend, Tribby!


She was close!  Close by!  But... Shibou was tied down.  Much like she had been for the majority of her life. And, through experience, she knew, that escape was impossible from the man made harnesses and chains.


Why... why would Tribby call her so?  Why would she torment her, knowing that Shibou could not possibly comply?  The ropes had never failed to hold her since she was...


Since... she... was... young...


Shibou paused, and a moment of reflection was upon her.  When she was but a baby, she'd been tied down with chains... clinking... metal chains...  And she'd tried.  She'd really tried to break them, but she'd been...


She'd been... too... small... to break... the... chains...


Too small...

Shibou looked down at the Ogres, and remembered when she'd been so small that she'd looked up to the humans.  Too small...


Shibou looked down at the flimsy chains which the Ogres had strung across her huge neck.  She looked at the Ogres, once, so powerful and intimidating in stature, now diminuative in comparison to Shibou's girth.


Shibou lurched forward and ran towards the sound of Tribby.  The Ogres grabbed hold of the chains and began to slow her progression.  Shibou panicked  NO!  What had she been thinking!?  She couldn't overpower the masters!  The chains were always too strong!  What was she thinking!?


Shibou realized that it wasn't the Ogres holding her back.


It... was... her.


Shibou was holding back Shibou.  Shibou was always the one who'd been holding herself back.  She... was...


Shibou ran to the forest at full speed, dragging the Ogres alongside her.  Tribby cheered "GO!  GO SHIBOU!" and launched a magic missile at one of the Ogres to slacken its grip.  "RUN SHIBOU!  RUN TO THE PATH!" She yelled, having the Ogre take off South, allowing Tribby and Manbearpig to engage the six Ogres.


Shibou ran.  Perhaps for the first time, Shibou truly ran free.

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Dec 19, 2010


Tribby snapped out of her daze, almost as if there was an exterior entity who had been controlling her the majority of the time, but that entity had gone out for sushi and left the Ogre more mindless than usual for a period of time.

Regardless, she was back.

"Where...   TRIBBY GOING BACK TO ROCK-PLACE!" She announced.  Gluestick, who had been licking her face with a worried look upon... her(?) face (is gluestick a guy or a girl?) nodded in agreement, and accompanied her back to the quarry.

Manbearpig took a deep breath and prepared to do more talking.  "They already found our duckephant." he said.  Jay El, who was used to keeping his ears piqued for the soft spoken druid, gave him some recognition and encouraged him to continue.

"They're taking care of it.  There's lots of Ogres." Manbearpig finished with a sigh of relief.

"Did you talk to Shibou?" Jay El prompted.

Manbearpig squinted at Jay El and shook his head no.  Jay El made the "elaborate" motion, and Manbearpig squinted anew.  "Can't talk when I'm a bird." he elaborated.

Tribby, who had just arrived, announced loudly "TRIBBY MISS SHIBOU!"

Ash decided to defend Manbearpig's apparent decision "What do you want to do, save the duckephant and get killed in the process?"

Jay El suddenly had a thought.  "Hey... I just remembered... remember Shitanya?  What ever happened to her?"

Without missing a beat at the apparently random segue, Ash voiced his most heartfelt opinions on the matter, bearing his soul of any and all feeling that he had on the subject "Meh." he replied, succinctly.  "So, do we want to leave then?  We could go kill the delver.   What do you guys think?"

Manbearpig sighed.  He really didn't want to speak again so soon.  He feared his vocal chords would likely suffer like a drunk girl at kareoke, but, he had to.  "I have a question." Manbearpig said.  "What are we doing?"

Jay El paused, and realized that Manbearpig had been asleep in his trance for some time now.  "Oh.  Well, we killed a bunch of innocent things."

Manbearpig nodded "I was there for that."

Jay El paused, considered, and then continued "Oh yeah.  Well, then we fought some Manticores."

Raelin piped up "Then we found a bunch of slaves, these idiots insisted on saving them, and then we killed a bunch of Ogres."

Manbearpig nodded.  Their update was detail ridden and accurate enough for him.

Jay El paused and then brought up a very good question.  "Hey.  How could we save the duckephant?"

Everybody paused.  It was a really good question which, somehow, they had all collectively overlooked.  Ash sighed, "We could cast a whisper spell on a bird and yell 'duckephant duckephant come to me!' or something along those lines."

Jay El paused "Yeah.  That might work."

Med paused.  "So... it isn't impossible?"

Ash grunted "No.  Seems pretty easy to me, actually."

"...well... good then."
"Sure.  Great."

Everyone paused.

"Let's go do that, then."

Med nodded.  "I'm going to go sleep with the slaves."

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AFK Thoughts

Gluestick stared at Tribby, who stared blankly ahead.

Where had Manbearpig gone?  Had he been accosted?  Were there tree people?  Giant spiders?  Invisible phantoms?  Traps?  Mirror dimensions?  Giants with long, deft fingers who snatched riders from horses?

Tribby continued to stare ahead - all power diverted to thinking.

Gluestick neighed at Tribby, and poked her slightly.

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Dec 18, 2010

Actually, there are plenty of ways that one could...

Manbearpig soared in falcon form, looking at the Ogre city below.  How decimated Roe had become.  Once a teeming city of thousands, now... well, actually, it was still a teeming city of thousands.  It just... wasn't as sanitary or friendly.  He continued his perimeter of the city, and looked at one of the gates.  Shibou was there, at the gates, surrounded by 6 Ogres who seemed to be stripping her not unlike a carriage left in some of the slummier parts of towns he'd frequented in his day.  It seemed most of their gear had already been pilfered from her saddlebags, and they were now working on removing Shibou's armor itself.

Thankfully, Shibou seemed unharmed.  They even appeared to be feeding her.

"Well" Manbearpig silently reasoned to himself "Looks like Shibou is un-savable, but, at least she's being well taken care of."

Content with his observations, Manbearpig flew back to the quarry from which he'd left.

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Dec 17, 2010

What we have here...

Tribby ran and Manbearpig bounced while Gluestick galloped.  Tribby breathed as she ran "Tribby really would miss Shibou, Shibou is good friend."

Manbearpig nodded silently.  He too, had forged something of a bond with the beast.  He wondered silently to himself if Gluestick had ever felt any pangs of jealousy...

"Plus, Shibou has all our stuff!"

Manbearpig nodded silently.  It was true.  Much of their possessions had been put into Shibou's harnesses from time to time, and the beast's daily burden forgotten.  What must it be like, he wondered, to be such a beast, where size and strength were so ever-present that the weight of hundreds of pounds were meaningless?  He paused, and realized that many a bug would ask the same of Man...

"..." Manbearpig said, saving his voice for later.

Suddenly, Manbearpig had a thought.  He could turn into a bird and cover considerably more distance.  He did so.  Gluestick did the horse equivalent of shrugging, and continued galloping next to Tribby.

"Tribby likes eating Shibou's poo, too.  Tribby thinks its because Shibou is a vegetarian that her poo is better than... than..."  Tribby stopped.  Where had Manbearpig gone?  She stood still and stared into the trees.  Where had he gone?

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Dec 16, 2010

Procrastinated Dialog

Manbearpig, his abdominal muscles cramping from the strain of his previous exclamation, once again, went silent.  The contents and warnings of the dreams were likely unimportant anyway, he reasoned.

He looked over at Ash, who seemed to be talking to some slaves - some of which he recognized from Salsa.  "Rats." Manbearpig thought to himself "those guys just can't catch a break." and, as an afterthought "is Ash completely devoid of any and all body hair, and wearing a pink helm?"

"...and yeah, we were okay for about two hours after you left, and then these big friggin' tree things..."

"(treants)" Ash interrupted.

"...treants, right, they just started rounding us up.  They gave some of us to the Roe Ogres, and took others with them."

"To eat." Ash put in

"Probably, I... I never really thought... oh my god, my wife... my poor..."

"Anyway, then what happened?" Ash prompted.

"...I... well... I guess, (sniff) I guess after that, we've been working... we've been working for the Ogres, and then... well, they sold some of us to the Goblins...  (my god, my poor wife)"

"Go on." Ash pushed.

"right, right -sorry.  And, well, we've been making the Goblin's stronghold, and mining rocks for them ever since."

"What have the Goblins been purchasing from the Ogres, and what are they building?"

"Oh, they bought a delver today... I think they'd bought three or four before that, as well... as for what we've been building, its kind of like a new addition to their existing stronghold.  Making it bigger."


"I don't know.  Probably because there's so damn many of them, they probably just need the space."

"Why the delvers?"

"Probably to help with the renovations.  The majority of their stronghold is rock - delvers shape rock, right?"

One of the other slaves pointed his hand up like he had something to add.
"Go ahead" Ash pointed at him.

"They also have been trying to buy some frost worms."


"I don't know.  I don't actually know what they are.  Some kind of dragon, I'm guessing."

Ash nodded.  Interesting.

Manbearpig realized he was looking at the conversation like a lovesick teen looking at a sparkley vampire.  He wanted to have conversations, he wanted to have expository dialog.  He wanted to really connect with people...

Tribby ran up to Manbearpig.  "Manbearpig!  Duckephant run away, you come help find!"

Manbearpig nodded, and mounted gluestick, silently goading the mount in the direction Tribby was headed.  Silently wondering if it would be a good idea to share his dreams with the group, but discounting those as silly, silly thoughts.

DM's NOTE: Seriously?  "Aaauugh?"  That's your summary of the whole nightmarish vision?  "Aaaaugh?"

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Dec 15, 2010

Manbearpig Meditation IV

This Audio Really helps sell the scene

They burn through the bodies of those who dare attack them, and feast upon the men, women, and children alike in truly horrendous ways.  

"Something evil this way comes"

Dangling them from broken limbs and drinking from them like cups, crunching into them with gnarled teeth, sucking their guts out... kinda like jello shooters.

"Something evil this way comes"


Manbearpig awoke in a cold sweat with a sense of dread, a sense of urgency, and an intense feeling of terror in his veins.  He noted he was tied to his faithful steed Gluestick, and Tribby was cheerfully walking by, dragging a dead Bugbear by its ankle.

Manbearpig paused, pontificated, perseverated, and eventually, found the exact druidic phrase with which to impart upon the party the wisdom that he had gained from his druidic trance.  

"uuuuuAaaaAAagh." he said, nearly pulling a groin muscle in an attempt to use an exclamation point.

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Dec 14, 2010

Ogre Battle

The Goblins wrapped up their negotiations, and left with the large creature, and our heroes moved in.

Ash, Tribby & Shibou charged in, attacking the front lines, while Jay El, Med & Raelin dimension door-ed their ways behind the group where the Goblins had left from; hidden behind some rocks.

One of the Ogres, which was bright blue, launched into the air, and fired its spells at the melee in progress, as Ogre on Ogre action was taking place while Ash stabbed with his spear and Shibou thrust with her tusks.  Shibou, scared of the spells, took off in a panic, but her damage had been done to the decimated front lines of the Ogres.

Some of the Ogres were hardier than others, but all soon fell to the combined blows of Ash and Tribby.  The Bugbears turned out to be a larger threat to Tribby, scoring a lucky trip with their slaver whips, and providing an opening to the remaining Ogres to pounce upon her, causing very serious wounds.

In retaliation, Med muted the Ogre mage, very much reducing his offensive capabilities, and Jay El took to the air himself, en route for the assist.

Raelin launched a fireball at the Ogres, damaging them greatly, but also alerting them to Med and his presence on the battlefield.  This turned out to be important, as it split the offensive forces nicely.

Ash was mortally wounded by one of the remaining Ogres, but Jay El was able to Teabag* him back to life.

The Ogremage, seeing that the battle wasn't going his way, attempted to fly away, but Med took him out with her own Magic Missile.

Ash, still bleeding, was able to take out another Ogre before it could lay a hand upon him, which freed up Jay El to teabag Tribby.  The bugbears attempted to launch arrows at Jay El, but one broke his bow, and the others missed horribly.

The remaining Ogres around Tribby smashed her and again, brought her down, but Med was able to web the ogres (including Tribby) down, giving Jay El time to heal her, and Ash, again.

The Ogres which were bearing down upon the spellcasters, bore down upon them.  Raelin did much damage to them with his spells, but not enough - the remaining Ogre obliterated Raelin with one shot.

Med, left with the choice to run, or stay and heal Raelin, healed the caustic elf, and, due to Pelor's blessing, was able to avoid being struck by the previously accurate Ogre.  Raelin, in gratitude, turned invisible and ran, muttering something about the best of luck.

Jay El, too far away to reach Med in time, used his sling and pepped the Ogre with a rock with no noticeable effect.

Raelin, having a change of heart, lost his invisibility and zapped the remaining Ogre just as it was about to squish Med like a rather attractive bug.

At this point, all that remained were the bugbears, who were fleeing, but, thanks to the marksmanship of those in the vicinity, all were slain.

*Teabag healing:  When a healer is flying, drops down briefly to touch a damaged companion, heals them, and then promptly flies back up.

 +1 ring of protection ($2,000)
 Razor Heavy Shield (1d8 slashing), returns +has ability to store vampric touch spell ($8,000)
 Cursed Healing Helm (2d8+5, -1 to -9 autocast or activate) once p/day ($15,000) -- curse removes all body hair, permanently.
 Wand of Major Image (8 charges left) ($8,000)
 Menacing Leather Armor (30' target creature w/less HD, will save 10+0.5(yourHD)+CHAmod -- panicks 5rounds, save = shaken 1round) use 3xp/day ($40,000)
 Pearl of brain lock Throw to daze creature for 3 rounds, once 900

 Ogre Composite Longbow (Req. +6 str mod to use)

 Killing Stuff
    Manticores 1,000
    Ogres 3,300

 Cool Stuff
  Multi-platform attack +210
  Jon Woo Retreat +300
  Battle plan +25

  Flaming Homer +50

  Rat Recon +50

  Webbed Jillion Damage +50
  Mute the mage +25

  Jay El
  Multi-platform assists+75
  Dimention Door Assault+25
  Teabag Healing +50

 Role Playing
  Intimidating goblin +10

  Nosepickin' +80
  Personal pronoun adverse +30

  Jay El
  Prayer +200
  Guilt/Sleepless nights+75

 Alignment Modifiers
  Med +10

ASH +4845
JAY EL +4725

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Dec 13, 2010

Ultimate Joan of Arc

Tribby and Ash returned to the party and informed them of what they'd learned.  Med stood up straight and perky, and announced "WE MUST FREE THE SLAVES!"

The heterosexual males nodded in agreement.  Those unattracted to the female form, listened and agreed with what she said.

As they all huddled together, some to listen closely, others to see down people's tunics, a battle strategy was drawn up, primarily by Ash.

Raelin's Rat, *UNNAMED*, would scout ahead and describe the environment/number of targets, at which point the more sturdy of the group (Ash, Tribby & Shibou) would do the frontal assault, while the rest did a flanking attack.

Raelin's rat described the scene (mostly due to a miss-understanding of some rules by the DM) in explicit detail, and it was basically a 200' wide hole with large rocks around it; likely a quarry.  Inside, there were human slaves mining the rocks, and bugbear slavers.  On the outside of the hole, there were an obscene amount of Goblins trading with a sizable group of Ogres.  It seemed that the trade going on currently, was for a rather large, rocky creature which nobody in the group could easily identify through the rat's descriptions.

The group managed to convince Ash that it would be a bad idea for him to take on everything by himself, and to stick with the battle plan - with one small adjustment.  They would wait for the deal to close, and for the Goblins to leave; greatly reducing the threat level of the encounter.

Begrudgingly, Ash agreed to his own plan, and, they set about carrying out on their assault.

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Dec 12, 2010

Sadly, there probably is a Guinness record.

"And I'm here, watching the slave trade between the Goblins (that's us) and the Ogres, and its my job to make sure nothing goes wrong because sometimes Ogres are untrustworthy (not that we aren't) and if anyone finds out that I'm not watching the action and as a result something bad happens it'll be my ass on the line and that's why I can't talk to you right now so please don't stab me!"  The Goblin snapped at Ash without the aid of punctuation.

Ash grunted.  "Okay.  You aren't worth any XP anyway." Still, a gathering of goblins and Ogres did promise to be a battle more up his alley...  He turned to tell Tribby the contents of the conversation and saw her reach her personal best.

"23 inches!" She smiled.

Ash sighed.  "C'mon Trib.  We're gonna go save some slaves and hunt some Ogres."

Tribby beamed and wiped her latest challenge on her tunic so that it would dry into a nice trophy.

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Dec 11, 2010

Inner monologue

Raelin stared intently at the "scroll" they'd found earlier, pretending to study it.  In fact, he just wanted an excuse not to be interrupted by the idiots he'd chosen as accomplices.

What was he to do, now?  He doubted he could kill the entire group of idiots safely, and, even if he could, getting to the Dwarves un-escorted would be incredibly unlikely.

Once he arrived at the Dwarves, he could conceivabley liquidate his guardians and replenish at the Dwarven city, but, how to kill Ash, in particular, without damaging the Prism?

And what of Jay El's compass?  Surely it deserved at least moderate investigation... what if it really DID point to other objects of insane power?  Was it not his duty as an evil bastard to investigate?

How many of the party could he kill, and still arrive safely, and yet still accompany Jay El without arousing his suspicion, AND without damaging the Prism?

"It's like no scroll I've ever seen..." he mused aloud, as Med approached with the body posture of upcoming interruption.

Raelin smiled as she did the polite thing and left him alone.  Then, there was the issue of hiding the bodies, or disguising the way in which they'd died...

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Dec 10, 2010

The Gentler Side of Ash

Tribby and Ash pushed through the dense forest, in search of the deadly silence, and found a goblin up in a tree in a makeshift fort, with a strange looking device, which he was currently looking into rather intently.

"Uh..." Tribby said, unsure if she should smash, or ask the fellow what he was up to.

Ash put his hand on her shoulder and shook his head.  As she didn't speak Goblin, her attempting anything would only end in violence; and, for once, Ash was wanting to ask questions and then shoot.

"Hey." Ash heyed.

"What!?" The Goblin whatted.

Ash paused, and then continued "What are you doing?"

The Goblin tore his eye away from his device "Piss off!  I'm busy!"

Tribby, not understanding any of the conversation, entertained herself by seeing how long of an intact booger she could get out of her nose.

Ash did his best to be diplomatic.  "If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to stab you in the face."

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Dec 9, 2010

Manbearpig Meditation III

This Audio Really helps sell the scene

They seem insanely fast, very strong, durable, and seem to come in all shapes and sizes 

"Something evil this way comes"

From Ogre sized to Rodent sized, they continually are tearing the faces, limbs, and seemingly the very souls out of innocents again, and again, and again... and again, as you see horrific scene after horrific scene.

"Something evil this way comes"
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Dec 8, 2010

I cast magic missile at the silence

The party continued its way towards the Dwarves, the snowfall was getting thicker, but, the well informed and observant party had thought ahead and brought the appropriate garments, supplies, and were completely, totally aware that it was snowing, and, had been, for some time now.

DM's NOTE:  I might have neglected to mention the snow to the party when we were playing.

Tribby sniffed the brisk air, and perked up her ears.  "Something..."

The group paused and looked at her expectantly, while readying their respective tools of battle.

"...not... good."

Ash whispered to her "where?"

Tribby paused and pointed.  "Forest not making right sounds...  many places too... not birds... That way closest."

Ash smiled.  "Well, let's go kill it, shall we?" and bounded off in the direction Tribby had pointed.  Tribby smiled "Okay!"

The rest of the party opted to stay with the duckephant, who couldn't venture into the thicker parts of the forest.

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Dec 7, 2010

Dew yew unnertand whut eyem taying???

The group looted the splattered remains of the Manticores, and the charred remains of the Gnolls, finding and recovering some spines to be used as thrown weapons, and some large, hardboiled eggs, which they ate.

As they were munching on the remains of Manticore fetus, Raelin found a peculiar scroll case, untouched by the ashen remains of the Gnolls.  "Hm." he grunted, not recognizing any of the arcane symbols upon the case.

Shrugging, he opened the case.  A small, flaming hummingbird shot instantly into the sky, and took off to the North East.  "Hm." he grunted again, and pulled out the scroll from the case and opened it.

"Dots... dots and lines?" he arched his eyebrow quizzically.  "This is no spell... what... what is it?  What is this gibberish?"

Tribby glanced at the scroll.  "Tribby like green and gold."

Raelin grunted a non-commital noise and studied it some more.

Ash looked up into the sky, and back at the two spell casters.  "Sooo..."

Raelin put up his finger in an attempt to silence him the way a father might attempt to instill the skill of patience in a petulant child.  It had no effect.  "Look," Ash continued, "that was totally a signal flare to whoever owns that case."

Everyone stared blankly at Ash.

"I... seriously?  Okay.  Uhh... like a signal.  Y'know... someone owns that scroll, it gets opened, and that thing shoots up into the air to tell the owner, right?"

Jay El stood up from his omelet.  "What are you saying, Ash?"

Ash sighed.  "Look, I'm sure we can take... whoever it is that's coming... but... I don't think any of you understand..."

"Who coming?" Tribby asked.

Ash sighed.  "Nevermind.  Just finish up your omelets.  I'm not hungry, and I want to get moving."

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Dec 6, 2010

Manbearpig Meditation II

This Audio Really helps sell the scene

For what seems like days,  Manbearpig continued to be bombarded with horrific flashes of images... which seem impossible... which seem evil, which seem... disturbed.

Every time Manbearpig would think he was about to see a complete scene, it would be replaced anew with something equally as disturbing.

A demonic voice continues to repeat throughout the vision the simple phrase:
Something evil this way comes.

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Dec 5, 2010

A water balloon filled with pasta sauce?

Ash stabbed the dazed manticore it in the brains, and leaped to another manticore to repeat the process.

The manticores, seeing that they were losing the aerial battle against the jumping man with the spear, dive bombed the party in an abrupt change of tactics.  (also, they were out of spines)

Raelin summoned a large, crackling lightning ball between his hands.
Med took out her wand of web.
Tribby assumed the stance of a baseball player.
Jay El assumed a pose not all that dissimilar to Sub Zero, and readied the cold energies of the pits.
Ash road the manticore down, stabbing and hooting as he did so.

From 180 feet, the manticores shot towards the group.  Raelin launched his ball of lightning, Med en-webbed one, robbing its ability to land safely.  Jay El froze one, and commanded another to fall with mind control.  

All at once, manticores died.

One, frozen, was decapitated by the Ogre equivalent of a fiery Louisville slugger,  (and believe me, it it t'were a sporting event, t'would indeed have been, a home run) at nearly precisely the same time, Two others, either en-webbed or hypnotized into pile-driving into the ground, splattered around Tribby like twin gore filled piƱatas, while the last, landed safely next to the intestines encrusted Ogre, made eye contact, and then, lost the orifice which was used to house its eyes in the first place, as Ash had decided to remodel the back, and front, of the creature's skull with his spear.

The group paused, and did a mutual appreciation for each other's work.

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Dec 4, 2010

Spider Ash, Spider Ash...

Tribby narrowed her eyes.  It was times like these, where she was happy for her split focus.  Cracking her knuckles, she launched magic missile after magic missile after magic missile into the air.

"BIG FLYING CAT BITCHES COME DOWN SO TRIBBY CAN SMASH!" She yelled, firing her missiles off in perhaps a further tribute to Ash's tip of the hat to many a John Woo movie (though she neglected to jump sideways, and there were no doves)

Jay El took to the skies, and cast wind wall as a ceiling for his party, to avoid any further projectiles.

Ash, used the Hippogriff to get back into range with the manticores, jumped, twisted, threw, and flipped, from one manticore to the next, causing the creatures to shoot each other in the confusion as they were continuously pelted with thrown objects and implausible stabbings.

Med looked at Raelin, who had decided to casually saunter over to her.  "Raelin!  I bless you with the guidance of Pelor!  Make your next strike that of the chosen!"

Raelin shrugged, looked up, and offhandedly shot a ray of frost at one of the manticores.  "Cool."  He glanced up at the minuscule effect, "Thanks." he mumbled, and sauntered back into the mist.

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Dec 3, 2010

Told you so.

The manticores, after witnessing the seemingly impossible amount of distance covered by the jumping man in plate mail, ascertained that he was one of the larger threats and, immidiately, launched a huge collection of spines at him, shredding his armor and wounding him badly.

Ash took a moment.  While he wasn't afraid, he knew that all it would take would be a stiff breeze to tip him over at this point.

He smiled.  He rarely got to do so many ridiculous things in such a short period of time.

Putting away his abbicus and protractor, Ash took his action, and, jumping and twisting in the air, he launched a throwing knife at the manticore as he fell down onto the hippogriff, rolled to absorb the impact, fell onto the duckephant, rolled to absorb THAT impact, and landed next to Jay El and Med back on the ground.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey." They said, and healed him.

"Awesome.  Thanks."

Med leaned over to Jay El "(is he a vegan or something?)"

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Dec 2, 2010

Oh, it gets more ridiculous.

Med cast obscuring mist, shielding the party from the manticores, whose spines shot into the mist randomly.  "Scatter!" Med yelled, taking off East from the epicenter.

Tribby decided to cast her mirror image upon herself, and headed South.

Ash jumped up onto the Duckephant and crouched, waiting for his moment to do something ridiculous.

Jay El ran off to the East with Med, and prayed for guidance.  

Raelin stayed in the center and considered his options.

The ground was again, peppered with an ineffective spattering of spines.

Ash yelled to Jay El "NEED A BOOST!"

Jay El nodded, noted the mist, and yelled "Roger!  Up high, allez-oop!" and summoned a flying Hippogriff, which launched upwards at the manticores.

Ash checked the wind, and the position of the sun, and noted that it was time.  He took a running jump off the Duckephant, onto the back of the summoned hippogriff who was already flying upwards, and, harnessing the momentum of the beast, finished his jump by flying into the air the remaining distance and landed with his spear in the back of one of the manticores, 180' up in the air.

The physics gods complained, but the magic math was sound.

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Dec 1, 2010

Bullet Time Spines

Jay El flinched as time restarted, and noted how his body moved as though it had a mind of its own.

...which... well, it did.  The body did have a mind of its own.  His.  I mean, it moved as though it had a different mind.  A second mind of its own.  Yes.

Anyway, his body twisted and turned at supernatural speeds, as our view of him slowly rotated and the spines shot past him leaving small ripples in the air around them.  His shield was obliterated in a glittery explosion as the spines all somehow missed him.

Jay El flew back down.  "Manticores!  Lots of them!"

While the group hadn't seen the manticores themselves, they had seen the spines, and Jay El's supernatural evasion.

"How you do that?" Tribby asked.
"Do what?"
"You move like they do."
"Tribby never see anyone move dat fast."

Jay El looked down at his smoldering shield's remains, sighed, and finished up:  "Not fast enough."

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