Sep 30, 2010

What's the Kobold equivalent of Wilbur? Ksst-Klky?

"HeyKiphow'sitgoing!" Manbearpig yelped, running by Kip's cell and not waiting for a response.

"Well, behind me is burnt Kobolds and some kind of zoo, so..." He rounded the corner and shone his light upon the rather hillbilly-esque Kobold guards, who were sitting at their guard post, guarding in a somewhat guarded way, whittling, or, perhaps, picking, at their teeth with a miscellaneous bone.

While Manbearpig did not speak Kobold, he surmised that, if he had, he would have heard something to the effect of "Hey!" when they saw him.

"Whoop!  Back I go!" He skidded, pinwheeled and ran, making a mental note that, in that brief moment, he'd noticed that they'd been armed with a whip, and some sort of mace.

Seconds later, the rhythmic donking of some kind of bone drum, followed.  The bony alarm was not going to help things...  "HeyKipImworkingongettingyoufreeholdon!" He mentioned, as he ran by again, and hid in his cell; his cell door still ajar.

Suddenly, he had a flashback.  Jay El was laughing at him, giving him the simplest of riddles...  They were about 6 years old, each missing a few teeth, and having hair worthy of a Calvin and Hobbes comic book.

"Hey Boycubpiglet, when is a door, not a door?" Jay El laughed, after explaining to Boycubpiglet what a door and a jar were.

"Ummmm...." He'd ummed, doing his best to stall...

"They're circling around!" Came Kip's warning.  The flashback'ed have to wait.

Sep 29, 2010

Undead are the red shirts of DND.

Ash snapped awake.  He was snuggled tightly to Tribby's rank body, and beside him were hissing undead, and Jay El, who seemed to be rather excited about something.  Hitching himself up a bit by his nuts, Ash peered over Tribby's shoulders.  Kobolds in plate mail.

Now was not the time to pry Tribby's back hair from his mouth.  "What do I do!?" He yelled at nobody in particular.  Jay El turned and smiled "Kill the Kobolds"

Ash Smiled.  "Can do."

Ash flipped off of Tribby's back, out of her snuggly, and drew his spear.  Tribby launched an arc of fire while Jay El commanded his undead to attack.  They did so... very poorly.  Larry's arm fell off, flew across the room and hit Ted in the head, knocking him over.

As Ash sailed over Tribby, and over the undead, he couldn't help but smile.  It was good to be conscious in an area with vaulted ceilings again.

Taking advantage of the undead's miss-steps, the Kobolds decimated two of the four, while Jay El landed upon one of the guards and speared him quite dead.

Tribby roared and smashed one of the undead into bony fragments.  "oops!" she yelled back at Jay El.  "Sorry!  Kobolds are short!"

Jay El winced and smiled.  "Oh...  it's okay!" he said, unconvincingly.

Ash ran and stabbed the remaining Kobold guard, which lurched and looked up at him in terror.

Ash paused.  "Seriously?  You take more than one hit?" he barked, wrenching his spear out from the Kobold's body and burying it deep within him again.  "That's better." he spat, as it shuddered and died.

Jay El smiled and clapped Ash on the shoulder.  "Good to have you back m'boy."

Tribby smashed him on the back as well "Yeah!"

Sep 28, 2010

Bowling for Kobolds

Manbearpig, cursing and clutching at his bleeding socket, ran up the stairs in a zig zagging pattern, bouncing his shoulder painfully off the wall.  This would not due at all.  He had no weapons, no clothes, and nearly no eyes.

Thankful for the spirits of nature with which he had prepared himself in the dank corners of his cell, and, of course, for twiggy, he conjured up the fearsome ball of fire from the air around him.  Nearly instantaneously, the huge sphere of burning doom was at the top of the stairs, rolling down into the guards that were clanking up the stairs after him, presumably having had dispatched Manbearpig's crocodile already.

Manbearpig didn't even wait to hear their screams, though a part of him (likely the part of him oozing vitreous humor, blood and tears) surely wanted to.  In an all out sprint, Manbearpig careened around the corner, yelling at Gimely as he ran by.  "I'll get you outta here!"

"Ach!  Sounds geewd lad!" came his echoing reply, somewhat audioably overburdened by the sudden screams of the Kobolds which had no doubt encountered a large, fiery sphere, and his own, echoing footsteps, panicked breathing, and the pounding within his own skull.

Sep 27, 2010

Ash Dream Sequence

There were pits.

Seemingly endless amounts of pits, potholes, and various types of cracks.

Ravines, cliffs, fires and... there was just so much to jump over.

It was glorious.

Ash noted his dashing and amazing boots of jumping and springing, his spiderwalk cloak, and his +4 vorpal spearblade.

He looked down at his amazing collection of trophies and gigantic penis, and offhandedly destroyed a dragon by jumping and springing upon it.

Life was good.  There was plenty of things to be jumped over, and he could do so with style and panache.

He didn't know what the word panache  meant, mind you, (in fact, he was pretty sure it was a type of nut) but, he'd heard a bard use it whence describing acrobatic accomplishments, and, it just seemed the appropriate word to use at the moment.

The world heaved and groaned.  His panache-tree dropped a few nuts as if in warning as a strange taste in his mouth became apparent... it was hard to place.  It certainly wasn't spoiled panache...

He squinted.  It wasn't pleasant.  The world fluctuated for a moment as he remembered giving a bath to his small, vicious childhood pet Chihuavereen, DEATH-SCRAPER-THE-HORRID, and how it would shake its tiny body in a feral attempt to disembowel him afterwards.  It was that kind of smell...

But, it was kind of like, if one were to imagine DEATH-SCRAPER-THE-HORRID shrunk down to the size of a small piece of cereal, then, collected together with other like-smelling objects until there was an approximate barrel-full, then, those were collectively doused in spoiled rat-milk.

It was that kind of smell.  And there was hair in his mouth.  SO MUCH HAIR... He was gagging!  He couldn't breathe!

He glanced around.  The world of jumping, springing, and having decent sized genitalia was dissolving.  Something was happening... What was that smell?  Was he... was he bouncing from his crotch?

He glanced down, and the world, for but a second, was gone, and replaced with a huge, hairy landscape and a painful riding-up in the crotch.  Panic stricken, he did his best to memorize the world in which he'd found himself.  Oh, how he longed to stab just one more thing... to jump over just... one... more...

There was a huge, loud bellow from the sweaty, smelly, hairy mountain he seemed to be both pressed against, and gagging upon.

Ash blinked his eyes open.  "Oh." he said, noting the snuggly.

Sep 26, 2010


Escaped Cell 50
Neat Mudlight idea 50
Roleplaying 150
Stealth etc 25

Broke chains 10

Jay El & Tribby
Strategy 300
Encounter 1 300
Encounter 2 350

Ash Snuggly 50

Note:  J&T Freed a large portion of slaves - will be calculated upon quest completion

Sep 25, 2010

The Many Faces of Tribby

Tribby and Jay El Engaged the king's door-guards like a well oiled mutant pro-wrestler with knives for knees and raptors for wrists.

And, as Tribby launched herself at the armored ruffians, she had a brief moment of nostalgia.

Perhaps it was the stampede she'd help cause, or the blood stains upon her naked body, or maybe it was just the simple act of running, but, for a brief moment, she recalled the many revisions she'd done to her psyche.

There had been a time where she'd been Rhapsody the orphan, Rhapsody the somewhat ethically confused failed thief of the elderly, and Tribby, the flippantly genocidal half-elf.

Then, she'd died and been reincarnated.

That'd been particularly... shaping of her personality.  She'd undergone some distinct methodology revamps after dying and being reborn in the body of a rather humongous, rather smelly Ogre.

Granted, even in the body of an Ogre, she still found a way to get raped a second time.  And sure, she sometimes acted impulsively when it came to initiating battles with the innocent.

And yes, there was a brief period where she was travel size.

All and all, she'd really gone through some changes.

As she adjusted her sleeping Dragoon nestled snugly in her snuggly, she smiled.

It was a good life, this.

Tribby glanced at Jay El and wondered if he ever reminisced like that in the middle of a battle.  Probably not, she smiled, and let out her thunderous battle cry.

Sep 24, 2010

Get busy shittin' or get busy escapin' You're daaamn right.

Shitanya, who had been dreaming about a truly horrible version of the Shawshank redemption, woke up face to face with one of the folks who'd been a potential buyer.

"Do you know you have an octopus for a head?" she asked the fellow in the monitor.


It was gonna be one of those days.

Sep 23, 2010

Dr. Seuss would be proud...

Manbearpig, like a cartoon version of the Pink Panther, continued his tip toeing, chain dragging stealthery, and investigated the beastery at the bottom of the stairs.  A menagerie of morose mongooses, mandeers,  duckwoozles, duckephants, geesemice, sheepfrogs and others all paraded around; some chained, others leashed, all being led by various Kobolds into what appeared to be some sort of auction.

At the front of the auction, was an auctioneering Kobold, talking to a fairly faceted screen of a crystalline nature.

Noting the room's contents, Manbearpig stealthily dragged his chain back up the stairs, and went down the other set to investigate.  He heard a clank.  He paused, took a few more steps and heard some more clanking.  It was hard to ascertain if it was simply his chain echoing off the stairs, or, if, in fact, it was coming from downstairs.  He waited a moment, and heard a clank without he moving first.

"Hm..." he guessed.  "Machines?" he quickly pushed aside the notion, having no idea what a machine was.  "Armored mice?"  he poked his head around a corner and looked into the point of the spear which was stabbing him in the eye.  "Jesus-fuck-damn!" he screamed, recoiling and summoning a crocodile.  "fucking shit balls!" he complained, shooting fire randomly into a wall.  "cock eye stab fire crock nuts!" he barked, really freaking out.

His vision in his remaining eye was a little blurry (that can happen when you get stabbed in the face) but, it seemed there was about 25 armored Kobolds tromping towards him with a loud, rhythmic clanking.

"Screw this!" he yelled, and high tailed it out of there, leaving the poor crocodile to defend itself.  (it shed a single tear)

Sep 22, 2010

Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck

It was highly likely that those below the living quarters had heard the mass panic that Jay El, his undead, his slave-friends, and the giant ogre with a club and a Dragoon in a snuggly had made.

In fact, it was a wonder it hadn't woken widdle Ash fwom his nappy time, Jay El thought, oddly in a patronizingly baby-talk-ish inner monologue.

They cared not.  The Kobolds had proven to be of little resistance thus far, and now they had a small army of badly armed slaves and a few skeletons at their beck and call.  Nothing could possibly get in their way.

...actually, yeah.  Nothing did.  A few Kobolds attempted to fight them, but, did very, VERY poorly.

Like a scene out of a three stooges Halloween special, the undead swarmed upon the Kobolds, as did Tribby, Jay El, and his pet bee.  Everyone missed everyone for several rounds.

Eventually, Moe, the Skeleton dropped his arm by accident.  One would assume this would give a tactical advantage to his enemies, but they too, were just as clumsy, and tripped over the arm, accidentally tossing their weapon into the air and hitting another Kobold, who tripped, and pushed another Kobold into the bee's stinger.

(Basically everyone rolled ones repeatedly and the resulting battle was comedic to say the least.)

Eventually, odds prevailed and the Skeletons began to break the curse, then the bee, until finally, Tribby got her first successful cleave in, and, Jay El finished the battle up with a few thwacks and suggestions to his undead Trio.

At some point Jay El had tossed his knife to the slaves, who had freed each other, and now there were even greater ranks.

Jay El told them to arm themselves and meet them up at the king's place, but they weren't going to wait for them.  Time was running out on one of his spells, and he wanted to kick some ass.

He bounded up the stairs, and reminded Larry to stop killing things and they all went together towards the Kobold King's chambers.

Sep 21, 2010

Step 1: Escape chains, step 2 engage guards in conversation. no wait, wrong order!

Shitanya swayed back and fourth, testing the flex of the chains.  She flexed her arms, but there seemed to be little give to her bonds.  It didn't make her angry, per se, to be imprisoned.  It certainly didn't enrage her in a barbarous fashion by any extent.  But, it was really inconvenient.

She decided she would blast the chains with her super-breath, and, thankful for her draconic Father's tendency towards icy over hot, she froze, and made brittle her bonds, and broke them in a single flex of her mighty arms.

"FREE!" She yelled.  Now, she would see the sites, she would taste the foods of freedom!  She would fly through the sky and soar like a majestic crowdvark, the armored bird which had long symbolized freedom to her people.

"Seize her!" Yelled the Auctioneer to his Fairy folk, who swarmed towards her.

Shitanya laughed.  "What can you bugs possibly do to one as majestic as myself!?"  She stood her ground, and dared them to attack.  "By the way, do any of you know Petal?"

They zapped her with a sleep spell.

"Ooooh riiiight..." she drawled, falling to the floor "I fergot they could dooo....thaaat..." she fell asleep.

Sep 20, 2010

If you can design a better anti-theft system...

Jay El paused and grinned, and sent Tribby and three undead down the stairs.

"Guard this hole.  Kill anyone trying to go down it or trying to come out of it who is not me." he explained.  Larry (though rarely did people ask undead, they did have names) nodded and assumed a guarding position.

Briefly, Jay El considered asking Tribby to poke her head out briefly to test his system, but, decided it would be more than 25% mean to do so.

Jay El joined Tribby, and the undead, and they made their way to the slave quarters.

Sep 19, 2010

Nightcrawler would be proud

Shitanya, her strategic mind somewhat aflame, scooped up her dung with her tail and hurled it at the screen of potential buyers.  The auctioneer clearly got annoyed by this, and had one of his minions quickly clean it off as he apologized for the temporary technical difficulty to his buyers.

"Innovative, clever, not afraid to get her hands (or tail) dirty, fairly dexterous - quite the shot really, and, let's not forget those wings gentlemen.  The wings and tail of the half dragon lady would easily fetch twice the price..."

Shitanya frowned.  This was getting her nowhere.  She needed a different stratagem.  Something, she mused, involving the chains, perhaps...

Sep 18, 2010

Like a dating website but with less creepy results.

Manbearpig continued down the hallway, and noted a few empty cells, and then came across a rather stout, bearded fellow who seemed to be missing his left eye.

"Ach, well now, jus' how'd yew get free then?" came his prompt response.

"Just lucky I guess." Manbearpig smiled, not wanting to give away his secrets.

"I couldda yewsed sommathah luck m'self!  How long ya been here lad?"

"Uh... maybe a few days?" Manbearpig replied.

"Ach, y'doon't say!?  I coulda yewsed that luck a feew years agoo m'self.  Are you gonna let that luck rub off on the rest of us then?"


"I get the feelin' you might noot be able to free ussall, so, allow me to shamelessly plug a few reasons whiey y'should be thinkin' dwarf over anythin' else"

"Okay.  What's your name?"

"First off, I'm a dwarf!  On my honor as a dwarf, I'm a dwarf!  And, if y'canna trust a dwarf, then, well, y'canna trust him, but y'wouldn'ta known that until after y'trusted him!"

"...right..." Manbearpig replied, somewhat following but getting lost on a few of the left turns.

"And lemme tell ya, a dwarf, which is what I am by the way, is geneeetically capable of tellin' what depth and direction they are.  Veeery helpful in things like underground prison breaks, for example."


"And, when we get out, I gotta buried treasure I can tell ye about.  Heck, if ya help me dig it out I'll spli' it with ya fifty fifty!  Whaddayasay lad?"

"Uh... I'll get back to you." Manbearpig replied.

"We have dark vision, too!  I can see without light!  I braid my privates!  Get back here lad!  You don't wanna go into a dungeon without a dwarf!  Its suicide!  C'back!  M'name's Gimley!  But I ain' t base a'tall upon any literary figure!  I doon't even HAVE an axe!  (but I can use one for the record) where ya goin' lad!?"

Manbearpig rounded a corner and noted a few more empty cells, and an emaciated, noseless, greenish figure chained to his own cell wall.  The creature looked very weak, and did not even lift its head when it spoke.  Though, when it spoke, his completely alien language reverberated within Manbearpig's own skull like an echoing, terrifying, whisper that was both loud, and quiet at the same time.

"Chooo raaah kaaa tooor ooooo skaaa skaaa skaaa skaa...."

Manbearpig, thoroughly creeped out, continued on down the hallway.

"Empty... empty... empty..." Manbearpig sounded off, dragging his chain behind him absent mindedly.  It was kind of like shopping, but not as busy as the bazaar.  A part of him understood the attraction of slavers.  Sure, it was unethical, but you got to really see some interesting things.

He stopped in his tracks.  "Wowzers." he muttered.  The hot, mostly naked girl in the cell was easily a 10.  "hommina hommina" he attempted again.  But, she was fast asleep.

He decided to go one cell over, and looked in.  Though she definitely needed a bath, there was a fairly attractive pair of breasts in the slightly darker cell which greeted his eyes.  "Noted for later." Manbearpig muttered, and explored further.

"Ah.  Stairs.  Now that is interesting..."  he concluded, and headed down.  "Big stairs, too" he noted.  "Really big..."

Sep 17, 2010

What? YOU never burnt a Barbie?

Like a mischievous lad with a lighter and the decapitated head of their sister's favorite doll, Manbearpig flicked bits of light from his wad o' glowing mud into the hallways, creating a tiny, followable, glowing trail.

"'allo there" came a fairly chipper greeting.  Manbearpig peered into the cell, and saw a chained halfling.

Manbearpig paused and considered the potential ramifications of his actions and, after a moment, decided upon a course of action.  "Hi." he said.

"I tell ya, it's been a while since I've seen a light.  Many thanks indeed.  Granted, this place ain't the best site for sore eyes, but, honestly, I'd look at just about anything for entertainment at this point."

"How long have you been here?" Manbearpig continued.

"Oh... hard to say...  if I hadda guess, I'd say somewhere aroun' 3 months.  But time does seem t' drag when you're chained to a wall in the dark and unable to use your hands, if you catch my meaning."

Manbearpig caught his meaning, but dropped it.  "...What's your name?"

"Aren't we a formal fellow in the middle of a prison break then?  My name is Kip.  Pleased to meet your acquaintance."

Manbearpig noted his meaning "... any idea which way is out?"

"Well," the halfling attempted "I've seen the slave quarters, and a few other sections of the dungeon.  I could probably get us to the mid-levels, but I've never seen the top levels, or the rest of this area due to an inconvenient lack of consciousness during the times in which I passed them."

"Why were you put here?"

"Mostly on account of me not wanting to be a slave.  I did my best to start a revolt, but, well, our race isn't known for its ambitions nor its bravery, and... well, I ended up doin' most if my revolting revolt on me own."

"I see." Manbearpig concluded.  "Well, I'll see what I can do." and, with that, he continued on down the hallway, noting a female Goblin in a cell, who screamed at him something rather offensive in Goblin.  Manbearpig continued on down the hallway.  It seemed not all the prisoners were quite so upbeat.

"Sure, I love the dark.  Take your time..." came Kip's muted reply as the distance between then increased.

Sep 16, 2010

It isn't evil if they trample THEMSELVES...

Tribby gently adjusted her slumbering Dragoon, and wiped a bit of his drool from her shoulder.  They sure didn't look heavy, but, after a while, the lil' fellers really took their toll.

Jay El and his necrotic merry band huddled around Tribby, and whispered their plans in hushed voices, occasionally making sure that the slaves of various races and languages were following the gist.

Thankfully, it was a fairly straightforward plan, which those who did not speak any common language, would still be able to pick up within a few beats.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!!" Tribby screamed, brandishing her club and swinging it at nothing in particular as she ran into the room.

"YO HO!" Jay El yelled after her, his necrotic followers hissing and swiping.

"Run a lot!"
"Ach, and bippy!"
and other related phrases were all yelled by the slaves.  The collective collaboration of cantankerous cacophony cleared the cluttered catacombs in a wash of utter panic and terror.

While not quite Godzilla-esque in its level of panic, it was close enough; the Kobolds dispersed, trampling their friends, babies and other loved ones in the process.

Though nobody would ever ask them, it was the most fun the undead had experienced in over 300 years.

Sep 15, 2010

Might as well

Shitanya sighed.  Her strategy had been partially successful, but, it seemed that she was still up for sale.

Shrugging, she peed herself.  It wasn't so much for any particular purpose at this point.  She just had to go.

"How the heck am I going to get out of here?" she asked herself.

Sep 14, 2010

Seriously, a glowing wang would have been awesome.

Manbearpig blinked.  Had he passed out?  He wasn't sure.  The darkness was maddening and he was unsure if he'd slept, or simply gotten bored.

In a spark of realization, he realized, quite realizingly, that his twig was present.

This, was rather important.  While not many people knew this, the majority of Manbearpig's druidic powers came from his ability to focus his energies through this, rather remarkable twig.

"All right!  Twiggy, we're gettin' outta here!" he smiled, and cast light upon the floor tile that his foot was resting upon.  Thinking it best, he used a dim light to start, and then gradually increased it.

The sounds of anger and sorrow to which he'd become somewhat accustomed, suddenly stopped within his immediate vicinity.  No doubt the light was a novelty capable of vanquishing even the deepest feelings of darkness within this tomb.

He was in a small, 6 feet by 6 feet-ish rocky, and relatively featureless room, with bars directly in front of him.  As he'd quite impressively freed one of his hands earlier, he was able to stretch and see that this was not an isolated description of his surroundings and that, indeed, there seemed to be many cells in both directions.

When nobody approached to question him about his light, he surmised that there were very likely no guards in the area.

"sweet." he mustered.  Casting a soften stone spell upon the wall which held his manacles, and the wall which held the bars themselves.

Easily wrenching his chain from the wall, he dragged it loudly over to the wall, and shoved the bars out from their now less-than-solid foundation.  "Neat spell." he smiled to himself.

He glanced left, and right.  "Shoot." he muttered.  The light he'd cast still remaining within his cell.  "I should have cast it upon my wang and then used my loincloth as a way to stop the light from being projected.  That would have been both hilarious and awesome.  Only a truly brilliant mind could have possibly come up with such a plan, but, instead, I will do something which requires me to hold onto something and have less hands free to fight with later."

Manbearpig paused.  The sudden solliloquy was unlike him.  It was as though an outside source were somehow protesting his actions and forcing him to do things to which he was uncomfortable.  But, it ended.  He cast the light spell upon a piece of the liquefied stone, and carried the magically phosphorescent mud with him, deciding on heading to the right.

Sep 13, 2010


The slaves clustered around Jay El, and asked how they could help.  While fragile and weak, they knew a partial layout of the dungeon - that is, areas where the slaves would frequent, and, upon Jay El's prompting, they collectively drew as detailed a map as they were able.

Jay El thanked them while Tribby, frustrated with having to constantly carry the seemingly increasingly clumsy party with which she surrounded herself, fashioned a rather amazingly intricate snuggly out of the leather armors from the Kobolds, and a few strings from her short bow collection.

Jay El noted the craftsmanship.  "Y'know, that's really, really good." he complimented.  Tribby did the ogre equivilant of blushing, which was basically just a slight bowel adjustment, and thanked him for the compliment.  "I know right?  The odds of me making something this nice out of this Kobold junk is probably.. jeeze, I dunno, like one in twenty or so?"

Jay El glanced at it again "Yeah, something like that, I'd say.  I like how you even have a little adjustable strap there, for his widdle arms..."

They laughed at how precious Ash looked, snuggled into Tribby's abundant back hair, before heading back out into the dungeon.

Following the crude map, they made their way first to the hatchery, which was a huge room filled with eggs, and a few nursemaids, and, after descending again, they found the living quarters.

The place was as huge as it was cacophonous.  Stealth clearly was not an issue, but rather, their method of approach, was.  Observing that the room was primarily filled with women and children Kobolds, their plan became a little easier to grasp.

Sep 12, 2010


The auctioneer, as she'd come to think of him, was still praising Shitanya's various assets.  Including things like razor sharp talons, superhuman strength, the possibility of other, draconic racial abilities, and a fairly decent rack.

Shitanya smiled to herself.  Her head was still fuzzy, but she knew one way to at least lower her potential selling price.

Thankful for the somewhat spoiled mushrooms she'd had earlier for lunch, Shitanya bore down, and crapped herself a mighty dump.

A few of the patrons on the screen recoiled in disgust and their screens went black - others leaned in more interested than ever, while some seemed not to notice.  The auctioneer glanced at her, but didn't miss a beat in his sales pitch.  "regular excreting means a healthy digestive system, and she's clearly not shy..."

Sep 11, 2010

I mean, it's really, really dark.

Manbearpig grunted and wiggled.

He was definitely chained to a sharp, rocky wall.  And his ass was definitely sore from sitting on a rocky floor.  Definitely.

He pondered his predicament.

"I'm probably not blind." he mused.  "Very probable it's dark.  Kobolds don't need light to see... so... yeah.  Probably just dark."

He moaned loudly into the air.  "OOOOooOoooAAaaaaaaoOooOOoaaAAaagh!"

Nothing happened.  "Yep.  Dark, and noooobody cares."

He wiggled a bit and, quite miraculously, freed one of his hands from its chains.  "Sweet.  The odds of me being able to do that have to be at least one in twenty." he mused.  He was not, however, as lucky with his other hand.

"Maybe it was just loose..." he muttered to himself.

Sep 10, 2010

I'm looking for a twig

Jay El felt horrible about forgetting his oldest, dearest friend, passed out in the storage room.  So much had happened so quickly, that...  Jay El grimaced.  There would be no excuses.

This, like so many things, was all his fault and he'd be damned if... well, he might be damned anyway, but... he would do what he could to save his friend.

The Kobolds would likely strip him of his weapons and armor... even if they had decided to slay him rather than slave him, they would still likely take the valuables from his corpse.  It was a morbid logic, but, Jay El realized that, most likely, the thing that was the most likely to stay with Manbearpig, was his beloved twig.

Ordinary in apearance to most, Manbearpig had often spoke of how special a twig it truly was that he had in his hair.  It was, in a sense, a way for the modestly dressed fellow to have a sense of style, of individuality, and of nature.  While the twig itself began as relatively unremarkable, Jay El had seen him carve incredibly small, intricate markings into the twig.  An art that was clearly more for self expression than showboating, as the markings escaped the notice of all who did not examine the twig closely.

Jay El stood in silent prayer.  The gods may be turning upon him, but, surely they would not refuse him to help a soul as pure as Manbearpig.  He focused his energies, and a small arrow appeared before his eyes.  It wasn't much, but, at least horizontally, he knew the direction of Manbearpig's twig.  Hopefully the head to which it was attached would be nearby.

Tribby grunted, and removed their barricade.  "This really was a good idea." she hummed to herself.  "the barricade I mean.  It's just so handy to be able to get a nice, safe sleep in when we need it."

Jay El nodded, distracted.  "Come.  We must find the twig." he grunted.

Tribby shrugged and followed him to the crossroads.  "To the mines?  There might be gold!" she drooled.

Jay El smiled.  "Sure." he sighed.  The likelyhood of finding gold in a coal mine was sure to be... at least... well, not probable, but... well, anything was possible, he justified.

They tromped for a while through a few twists and turns, when, quickly, Jay El realized a familiar, if reversed, pattern.  "We go right left, right left, right left" he announced.  And the journey was quick and painless.

As they neared the end of the so-called maze, they quietly descended down some stairs, noting the tell-tale sounds of forced labor; Whips, groans, and the rhythmic sounds of pick axes descending upon hardened rock.

They all steadied themselves.  Slavers didn't sit well with any of the free-spirited group - least of all, Ash.

Peeking around the corner, they saw a wide, carved out room with a low ceiling, and trenches dug out on either side, containing the miserable workers, of which were chained together.  There appeared to be about 30 slaves, and 8 Kobold slavers.  The good news was, they seemed small, even for Kobolds.

What was most interesting to Jay El in particular, was the method of which the Kobolds were employing to sift and move the rock.  The slaves were weilding the pick axes within the trenches, and passing rocks to a small ramp into the center of the trench, approximately 50 feet from where Jay El and his party were hidden.

Inside the trench, an undead skeleton would pick up whatever was there, and bring it out of the trench, and into the center of the room, and then head back.  Jay El noted that there were two such skeletons with the same programming, mirrored on either side of the room.

In the center, were another two skeletons with similar jobs, only they would move whatever was in the center of the room, up to the entrance.  Presumably to sift it at a later time.

Jay El smiled, and explained to the party that he could control these undead, given the time to concentrate.

Taking 20 minutes to focus, the undead suddenly stiffened, and were given a different set of instructions altogether.  Kill the Kobolds.

The slavers quickly panicked as their drones appeared to revolt, and Ash and Tribby charged into the room.  Tribby tripped and fell into the ditch, and Ash jumped and smashed his head on the ceiling.  Jay El was alone in his charge, and, was quite thankful for the terrifying backup and over all wussyness of the slavers.

As they were promptly decimated, Tribby righted herself and charged anew, but, aside from a terrified straggler, the battle was over.  Ash, it seemed, was out cold.

The slaves let out their racial equivalent of a hurrah as they were freed, and armed with the Slaver's weapons, as well as fed with Jay El and Tribby's rations.

Tribby smiled, wiping the coal dust from her eyes and handed out the last of her jerky to the now smiling, now hopefully former, slaves.

As things settled down a little, Tribby's altruism ran out, and she stole Ash's rations.

Sep 9, 2010

More Thongs

Shitanya blinked her eyes.  The light wasn't harsh, but, it was somewhat unexpected within a Kobold dungeon.  That was assuming of course, that she was still IN a Kobold dungeon.  Her mind was fuzzy, and she was having a hard time focusing.

"Where...?" she started, then, decided to refrain from speech until she'd finished surveying her new surroundings.

Before her was a huge, faceted, crystalline surface, reflected throughout were various faces, all of which seemed to be looking at her with various, appraisic expressions upon their faces.  She blushed as well as a scaled creature could, and glanced down at her nearly naked form.

What the hell had happened?  She grimaced.  Her hands were chained high above her head, and her head felt logy from a lack of oxygen.

To her right was a Kobold, which, was actually a little comforting, as it implied that she was more likely to be inside where she thought she was, at least.  The little fellow appeared to be singing Shitanya's various physical praises to the people upon the screen much like a peddler of wares might overemphasize the leather-like qualities of a sofa.

Shitanya blinked, but her eyes were not deceiving her.  Above, flew several fairies, all apparently blase about the apparent slave auction going on below them as they attended to whatever errands fairies with such disdain for morals might have.

"Hey!" she yelled.  There was no response by any of the lot, though the announcer did mention briefly that Shitanya's voice was no doubt under a certain amount of stress due to her recent ordeal and, with some lemon tea, she would very likely have a beautiful singing voice.

Sep 8, 2010

Boy it's dark.

The world was a cacophinous drone of suffering.  Screams of terror and sadness mixed with the sounds of vomiting and crying.  Manbearpig woke up and opened his eyes.  Nothing happened.  "That's not my usual alarm clock noise...  and usually I can see." he observed.

On a whim, he closed his eyes again, and, being unable to blow on them like some confused owner of a Nintendo game system, decided to instead respond much more like the youth of today, and restart the process; opening them anew.

Still, nothing happened.

Was he blind?  Did someone... blind him?  What had happened?

And why did his back hurt?  And his wrists?  And why was his throat dry and why did his tongue feel two sizes too big?

Manbearpig paused and attempted to recall the last time he could see.

It was fuzzy.  "Well that's inconvenient." he muttered to himself over the sounds of sorrow which echoed throughout wherever it was that he'd found himself.

Sep 7, 2010

For those of you attempting to follow along

Hi there.  I'm the DM.

So, for those of you attempting to follow along, you may have noticed that some battles seem outlandishly complicated, and then at other times, a simple knockout dart will take out a character for the course of an adventure.

The reasons behind this, outside of game, are that the players themselves have been unable to make it at one time or another.

So currently, Jay El is the only player to have escaped the coincidental knockout/ankle twist etc.  His thoughts and actions are his own, and only embellished by me at every turn.

This explains why, for no apparent reason, we are unable to heal someone, find someone, and also helps explain the likelyhood of simply forgetting to pick them up when they're left prone and helpless in a dungeon full of baddies.

So, when Tribby was tiny and asleep, Renee, her player, was gone.
When Shitanya was knocked out by Tribby's growth, this was Renee returning to the game, and Nicole being absent.  Ditto was Sean, Manbearpig's player, also gone for this game (thus the knockout dart, and the party's ability to forget the duo elsewhere in the dungeon.)
For this next game, Ash (played by AJ) is absent, and thus, I hope to have him bonk his head when he jumps, because the premise amuses me.  We shall see!

And now, some shameless SEO:
The Key to Awesome: The Step by Step Guide to Having an Outstanding Life!

Sep 6, 2010

Sticks & Stones 3

A Kobold snarled and sunk his short sword deep into Ash's liver, causing spurts of blood to momentarily blind it.  Just as the lucky Kobold wiped the blood from its eyes, it noted the point of a spear coming directly into them.

"Need a heal!" came Ash's curt reply, as he shook bits of Kobold off his spear and biting into his own cheek to avoid screaming.

"Metoometoometoo!" Came Tribby's insistant reply as she once again booked it like crazy as the rock creature stalked her.

Jay El, looking like a frenetic conductor on roller skates, continued running, flailing and healing as the large stone continued to chase the heroes in circles as they took pot shots at it over their shoulders.

The final Kobold, seeing his moment, booked it for the door.

Ash debated, but, figured he'd kill two birds with one stone (or at least one Kobold with one jump) as he would be getting further away from the stone behemoth, and taking one more Kobold with him in the process.

However, as Ash landed, he stumbled, and dropped his spear, allowing the Kobold time to escape.  Ash's brief moment of lameness was quickly overcome by his ability to flip in mid-air, roll, pick up his spear, and backflip next to Jay El, of whom nonchalantly (but carefully) tossed his +1 returning dagger to ash, of whom used his rather adept throwing arm to further weaken the creature, which was roaring in frustration in its attempts to peg the real Tribby, who had created several illusionary duplicates in an effort to distract and slow the creature's assault.

Drained of all magics, both Tribby and Jay El launched their own assaults.  Tribby with her mighty club, and Jay El with pebbles thrown from a piece of sling.  One had decidedly more impact, but, it was the collective thoughts that counted, and, in the end, it was Ash who struck from behind the creature, causing its gold blood to pour from its chest cavity in huge gouts.

As the beast crumbled to the floor, a collective sigh was heard.  Jay El collapsed to the floor, Tribby took a knee, and Ash leaned heaviliy upon his spear.

Ash glanced down at his fallen opponent.  "Crap, not even a diamond or something for a heart?"

"I've got lots of short bows!" came Tribby's light hearted but clearly spent reply.


 Cool flips & jumps +100
 Figured out puzzle +200
 Secret Door +25
 Potion Fatassery +100

Jay El
 Vengence (poison food) +300
+5% Evil

Tribby -5% multiclass
 Freed Jay El with inginuity +200
 Morning Star Barricade +50

 First Encounter  300
 Second Encounter  750
 Third Encounter 2250
 Over all strategy 300

Ash  4025 LEVEL UP!
Jay El 3900
Tribby 3657 LEVEL UP!

Sep 5, 2010

Sticks & Stones 2

The rock creature roared its challenge.

Jay El sent his Wolf to bite at the creature's back, in an effort to draw its attention, and Ash finished up his Kobold.  The wolf barked and nipped at the heels of the creature, which promptly tore it in two.

Ash took measure of the vaulted ceilings, and noted his runway, lowered his proverbial flaps, and, doing a few unnecessary back handsprings for good measure, vaulted OVER the creature, cartwheeled past the angry Kobolds, and stabbed yet another guard in the face; taking but a moment to note the awesomeness of the entire transaction.  A spear glanced off his armor.  "Hm.  Back to business" he grunted, and squinted at the nearest guard.

Panting like crazy from her two-of-everything inventory, Tribby turned and looked behind her shoulder; which she only had just recently reformed thanks to Jay El's quick healing spell.  The rock creature appeared to be mowing down all in its path so that it could finish what it'd started.  "ohshitohshitohshit" she panted.

Jay El cast a few spells which would empower the party to be better prepared for the battle which would likely require them, and, noting the bifurcated wolf, quietly moved away from the creature.

Ash, noting that distracting the creature might prove to be useful on two fronts, situated himself so that there were five Kobolds between he and it, and then, threw one of his flasks of acid at the creature.  Though he missed, it is true what they say:  almost only counts in horseshoes and acid flasks... and other stuff with splash damage.

Sensing his cue, Jay El summoned a thunderclap in the center of the Kobolds, effectively stunning them, and synonymously further drawing the attention of the beast whose attention had clearly already been piqued by the burning of its bottom.

Rocky chose to attack in the general direction from whence all of this had came.  The resulting charge utterly annihilated the Kobold guards, and allowed Ash to spring off and slaughter another Kobold in the meantime.

Tribby launched a magic missile at the creature's back, once again drawing its attention.  It roared in frustration, and once again chose her as its primary target.

Sep 4, 2010

Sticks & Stones

The party looked at each other.
They looked back at the giant rock creature.
The rock creature snorted.

Ash jumped away and attacked one of the Kobolds.

Jay El ran the other way, summoned up a short wind-wall to keep all the rest of the Kobolds and their projectiles out, and summoned a wolf to support Ash in his less-than-epic battle.

Tribby shot the rock creature point blank in the face with fire, while incinerating its holders in the process, leaving it completely free to act, with the motivation to do so.

"Yeah!  Go team!" Tribby yelled "We're all gonna... kick... your..."  Tribby trailed off.  "Were... we... were we not attacking the big..."

The giant rock creature smashed her with huge, thunderous strikes, sending her flying against the wall.  "oh" she stammered, shakily "o-kay then, we...we're jus' gonna figh... soup?" she shook her head and, noting the creature was understandably fixated upon her, took off in a dead run yelling "healmehealmehealme!"

Sep 3, 2010

My name is Bal. Bal Boa. No Snake jokes.

The group made their way back, re-barricaded the door, and went down again.

Upon inspection, it was immediately surmised that the situation was dire.

There, close by, was 15 Kobolds, holding onto some chains.  Surrounding them, were 13 other, larger, sturdier Kobolds, holding onto weapons of various types.

This wasn't what immediately concerned the party.  No, what was very disturbing to them indeed, was the rather gigantic beast which appeared to be made of sentient rock, of which the small Kobolds appeared to be herding towards them.

"Woah." was their initial, collective strategy.

Sep 2, 2010

Ooooh THAT'S what we forgot...

Ash perused his surroundings as his comrades attempted to ascertain the best weight to gold ratio (as there clearly was no way they were going to be carrying all of the items they'd found)

"There seems to be a... ah, yes.  Here we are..." he mumbled as he uncovered a hidden panel.  Therein lay a rather remarkable robe, and dagger.

Tribby, sensing that they were magic, offered her services of identification, and it was surmised that they were the ROBE OF BONES and a +1 RETURNING DAGGER.

Desperately needing rest, the party contented themselves with the ambitious project of barricading the doors with the plethora of weaponry... and Tribby.

The party drifted off to sleep.  

Jay El dreampt of chasing after fragments of memories, and faceless women and children saying muted words in blurry surroundings.
Ash dreampt of plunging his spear through the rocky chest of a giant.
Tribby dreampt a rather remarkable dream involving two Ogres, and one cup.

They awoke.  Some tormented, some enthused, and some needing about 5 more minutes.

Jay El snapped his fingers.  "Oh crap.  We suck."

Tribby, still re-living her nocturnal dalliance, looked at him with dreamy eyes "hmmmm...?"

"We totally left Shitanya and Manbearpig alone... over night...  up in the storage locker!"

Hastily, they moved aside their barricade, and ran to the storage locker.  

Aside from the poisoned foodstuffs, and urine soaked bread, the room was empty.

"Well... crap." Jay El summarized.

"Meh." Ash offered, in condolences.  

Sep 1, 2010

Dark rationalizations

There were fourteen well skilled, stronger Kobolds, who had thrown the volley.  And, seeing as their aim had seemed true, and their strength able to pierce even her tough hide, he felt it was time to attack with a newfound resolve in his abilities.

Seeing the Kobolds brought fourth a murderous rage within him, and he used it to summon a horrible scorpion from the ether.  It immediately grabbed one of the dirty scaled rodents in its claws and squeezed it until juices came out of its ears.  Jay El smiled.  

Ash contented himself with jumping and stabbing the Kobolds in a far more professional manner.  He saw no joy in these particular Kobold's execution.  Moreso, he felt a longing for more worthy an opponent to sink his spear into.  While he did feel a moral obligation to help the fairies, he also felt that he could be wasting his time upon such a trivial quest.  If these were the best the Kobolds could throw at him, it was going to be a long night for the Dragoon.

Tribby, freshly healed by Jay El's spell, launched an arc of fire into the midst of those who had sought to slay her only moments before.  She loved using her magic in such a way, though she found her new frame clumsy, and more apt at smashing than casting, she still felt a certain kinship with the ways of magic.  She smiled and launched another volley into the crowd, as Ash continued to spring from opponent to opponent, and Jay El continued to use his God's magics for the benefit of the party and to the detriment of their enemies.

A door to the side burst open, and in swarmed more Kobolds.  These smaller, less threatening Kobolds would still overwhelm the party if their source was not staunched.

Thinking quickly, Ash shoved his "Enlarge Person" potion into Tribby's gargantuan mouth, and yelled for her to cover the door with her swelling mass.  As Tribby had already been stooped to accommodate the Koboldian quarters, this further enlargement slowed her to a crawl.

Having said that, she had huge, monstrous arms, and a gigantic, hard to circumnavigate butt with which she used to shield the rest of the party from the oncoming swarm.

The party fought on.  Jay El's scorpion provided much needed crowd control, while Jay El busied himself with all forms of enhancement to aid the party, and even the occasional macing when the magic wells ran dry.  Ash stabbed all who crossed him, and chased after those who didn't, and Tribby used her gigantic body to shield the party as well as to attack all who entered her gargantuan reach.

After a time, the swarm abated, and all was calm.

Nearly immediately, Jay El felt a sense of sadness and loss overcome him.  Where had the joy of victory gone?  Now it seemed, he simply needed his next fix.

For now, he would content himself to searching the room for treasure.  For what he needed it for, he could not say.  But deep within his soul, a part of him hoped that he would be able somehow to purchase that which he didn't even know he had lost, yet still felt a longing for nonetheless.

30 daylight rocks
500 morning stars
25 leather armors
1000 slings, 100 spears
200 short bows
200 bucklers