I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time...

Raelin arrived and knelt before the Elven King.  "What is thy bidding, my King?" he prompted, mostly to remind the old coot that he'd been summoned at all.

"Ah yes.  Raelin.  Good of you to come my boy." he gasped, showing his that-guy-in-hogwarts-ish age.  "As one of my more trusted aids, I have a sensitive communication for you to deliver to the Dwarven King."

"The Dwarves?" Raelin thought to himself, "The last time the King had sent any sort of communication to them had been over a century... what would prompt such action now?"

"Choose who you wish to accompany you," the King continued, "I shall be bequeathing you 10,000 gold for the mission.  This should be more than enough to compensate you for your troubles, as well as provide you with adequate protection and supplies, yes?"

Raelin paused at the rhetorical question, before the King continued.

"I shall pride discretion and safety on this mission moreso than timeliness, though I would expect you to leave within the next few days, assuming you have any affairs to put into order."

Raelin began to rise, but then the King continued, and he got caught in one of those awkward half-squats and silently cursed himself a fool for not anticipating a long, drawn out kingly diatribe.

"In addition to the communique, it would also be prudent to meet with a few of their delegates, or, at least what Dwarves pass off as delegates anyway..."

Raelin, his legs cramping and his patience thinning, quickly inserted his own line of dialog.  "Of course, my King.  It shall be done with the utmost prudence and discretion.  I have little to prepare beforehand, and will leave as soon as I have assembled my team."

"Hm?  Oh.  Yes, yes... very good then.  I suppose you should be off then..." The King's speech faded out as Raelin was already plotting.  As his steps echoed throughout the hallway, the gears of his mind were already turning.  This could very well be the exact type of mission that he'd been waiting for...

Income Tax for Elves

Manbearpig arrived at the Elven City, whose grandeur utterly astounded the humble Falconbearpig.  

From above, it seemed to be a glittering tumor upon the nature below.  While it was impressive in its size and seemingly endless amounts of magical goings-on within, it was also a perfect example of the blight upon the world as he saw it.  Such a structure was surely out of balance with nature, and was surely drawing much more than it was generating.  Still, he was glad it was here, as it likely meant help his friends desperately needed.

He landed and transformed in front of the city guards, who immediately confronted him.  "HALT!" they exclaimed, clearly having read and memorized the guard's handbook.  

Manbearpig's strength suddenly left him.  Now that he'd arrived, he realized just how tired he truly was.

"My... my friends need help.  They were attacked... attacked by giant bugs... ants riding... riding huge wasps... it was...  they killed so many... please, they may still be..."

The guards, being quite well practiced at this sort of thing, quickly helped him to his feet.  "Welcome to the Elven city sir.  Are you a citizen?"

Manbearpig paused, "A... a citizen?  No, I... I don't... I mean, do I need some kind of papers, or..."

The guards promptly dropped him where they'd found him.  "The Elves understand your plight sir, and are currently working to resolve the situation as promptly as possible.  Thank you for bringing this to our attention.  We thank you for your patience in this matter."

"Your... wait, what do you mean you're already... there was no elves..."

"Thank you for your patience sir.  Steps are already being taken to resolve the situation.  If you'd like to register a formal request for government aid, feel free to fill out the proper forms in city hall."

"But... but I can't get in to city hall, I... will you let me in?"

"Access to city hall to non-citizens is, unfortunately, at this time, not available.  If you'd like to take a number, we will contact you as soon as an opening becomes available."

"Wh... when will... when will that be!?" Manbearpig exclaimed, exasperated with the bureaucracy and seemingly "default" answers the guards were providing.

"That information is only available to citizens at this time.  We appreciate your patience in this matter." The guards continued.

Royal Socks

Raelin had longed to see, and indeed, hold, the prism of power for so long that it had become something of a private obsession of his.

"The problem with immortality, is that Kings tend to hang around long since they've outstayed their welcome." he sighed.  If it wasn't for the blasted King, and his ridiculous treaty with the tribe of Nykter, he would have long ago simply stolen the prism for his studies.

It alone, seemed to emanate a concentrated magical presence.  It alone would either confirm, or deny the existence of a quantifiable unit of magical power.  It alone would tell him if his King and all his religious followers were full of shit, or, if Raelin needed to catch up on his prayer.

Secretly, he suspected that the entire reason the tribe of Nykter had this prism in its possession was for that exact reason.  Fear of anti-dogmatic proof. 

What other reason could the King possibly have for allowing a tribe of primitaves to keep an object of such limitless potential?  Surely even that braindead pustule could fathom what could be DONE with such an object when it wasn't used for something as trivial as keeping those retarded & sickeningly adorable Nyktars alive...

"And what if the Ogres get their hands on it!?" He yelled, launching a small beam of frost near his pet rat as an exclamation point.  "SKEEK!" *UNNAMED* cursed, skittering across the cobblestones and finding an urn to hide behind.  

Since the fall of Roe, and the rumored population increase happening with the Goblins, there was seemingly more reasons on a daily basis to eviscerate the King for his apathetic stupidity.

There was a knock at his door.  "Skuzz inc - delivery for ya!" came the cry.  "Damn rats..." he grumbled, sending an angry scowl at *UNNAMED* as he passed.  "WHAT?!" he yelled, whirling open the door.

"Ahem:  Da King wants ya ta go to da castle and pick up a mission o' da utmost importance." the rat finished, holding out his hand for a tip.

Raelin slammed the door in his face.  "That's all I need!" he yelled, tromping back up his stairs to get his formal attire.

"Probably needs help locating his socks..." he grumbled to himself and grabbing his walking stick.

I taught I taw a Manbearpig... I did!

Manbearpig flapped as hard as his little wings could carry him, his little bird-lungs burning with the effort until he could maintain the form no longer.  As he hit the ground running, he cast longstrider upon himself and continued the trek.  His friends were in danger. He could rest when they were dead.

He paused, realized how that hadn't sounded right, and mentally re-phrased it:  He could rest when they were safe.

(Much better.)

~~~~

The group upon the duckephant continued their arduous trek, stopping only briefly at times - putting as much distance as they could between the hoard of ravenous insects as they could

~~~~

Manbearpig lost track of days, as they all blended together, fly, run, fly, run, fly, run, rest, wake up with a sense of panic and repeat

~~~~

The group decided to return to a more leisurely speed.  They'd outraced the hoard, and hadn't been bothered, and rationalized that it made the most sense to be ready for any other surprises that they might encounter along the way.

Introducing: Raelin!

Raelin frowned at his calculations.  Why didn't things add up?  Magic HAD to have a logical unit of measure, and yet, it seemed that if that were the case, the Elven city would clearly have used up this quantifiable unit of magic long ago due to its... he paused for the right word... "splendor?" he said aloud.

*UN-NAMED!* perked its ears up at the sudden and rare exclamation of its master, paused, saw that there was little cause for alarm, and returned to the bowl of newt-eyes his master had prepared for him.  It wasn't an awesome life, being a rat, but, when compared to the amount of tedious thinking his elven master did, in comparison, the newt-eyes and the occasional flea weren't so bad at all.

The Elven City's spires and towers glistened in the moonlight before him.  Splendor was definitely a logical word to use.  As was glorious, inspiring, and anything else it said on the bumper stickers of the local patriotic carriages that circled through its streets endlessly touting that they were the best city on the planet.

And, there was no doubt that they were one of the most impressive, certainly.  But best?  He sighed.  Somehow, it seemed unlikely that something like this could exist without an equal, yet opposite counterpart.

Something didn't just come from nothing.  At least... he didn't think so.

Raelin looked at the gauges his Gnomish inventor Red, had made for him some decades ago.  Perhaps they were meaningless.  Perhaps the quicksilver rose upon its own accord and had nothing to do with which way the dials were turned, or which object he placed within its various scales.

But, somehow believing in the crazy old inventor's theories seemed more plausable than the dimwitted, faithful that he seemed to be surrounded with.  The King, most of all.  "Have faith Raelin.  The Gods will show us the way..." he chucked.  "Morons!" he snapped, causing *UNNAMED* to duck his ears down in the expectation of a random thunderbolt.

Damn dirty apes! I mean bugs!

The bugs swarmed again.  This time, the party was ready (and allowed to roleplay!)

Quickly, Tribby launched a stream of magic missiles at a single creature.  Again and again the magic found its target - but the creature did not fall!

The blackness enveloped the group, and Tribby launched her magic cone of fire into the darkness above her, causing screeches to be heard upon occasion.

Manbearpig turned into a falcon and flew up into the air, surveying the situation.  Jay El flew up with him, exclaiming how magic was cool as he did so.

Together, they took in what was happening.  Some of the bugs were flying in, grabbing one of the helpless redshirts, er, that is, the valiently fighting escorts, and taking off with them back from whence the bugs had flown.  Others still, were flying in and ensuring that no battle got too out of hand.

Manbearpig steadied his wings and began an attack dive on one of the bugs.  Jay El yelled out a warning "NO!  They'll kill you!"  Manbearpig hesitated, and looked at Jay El.  "Fly to the Elven city!  Get help!  I'll take care of the survivors!"

Manbearpig looked at the situation.  Jay El was right.  There was nothing he could do here.  Although it pained him, he took flight.

Jay El hung there in the air, tempted on joining him, but, those below would need healing after this was done.  And leadership to get the heck out of here.

This battle was over quicker than the last.  The bugs had come more for meat this time, than the last.  As they flew away, he noted how they'd seemed to appear out of nowhere upon their attacks... they... had.  As he watched them scatter and leave, they simply shimmered and vanished from view in the horizon.

Something to look into later.

There were only a few of the guards left, now.  He tended to them, and prayed to his god for the power needed to un-paralyze the duckephant, and the strength he would need to guide it to the elven city.

Shibou had been trained well in the short time it had been in Manbearpig's company, and, having both already tasted the wrath of the flying hoard and being currently surrounded by the dead and dying, needed little encouragement to leave the warzone.

The bugs came back, the very next day...

The sun rose.  Jay El squinted and sighed.  He'd worked through the entire night, and was exhausted.  He'd managed to remove a large section of parasites from his party - many of which had regained consciousness - though weather that was a direct result of his surgeries, or simply the paralysis wearing off, he was unsure.

He'd sadly had no luck in reviving either the Duckephant, or Ash, both of which... had... been stung...

he slapped himself on the forehead.  "Of course!" he exclaimed  "the venom from the wasps is different!  I know exactly what I need to do to save..."

He trailed off, noting the sudden presence of buzzing in the air.  "oh shit."

Surgery is different from stabbing?

Jay El squinted into the small incision he'd made into Manbearpig's chest and, with a deft motion, skewered the parasite and quickly removed it from his body.  "Ah!" he exclaimed "I've got it!"

Tribby watched, and grumbled to herself that she'd basically done the same thing.

Jay El peered at the tiny, screaming, armored maggot and frowned.  Judging from its mandibles, it was as he feared.  These things were meant to eat, and grow within, their hosts.

Thankfully, judging by its size, it would probably have an incubation period of about 3 months.  That would give them time to move them, at the very least.

Jay El and Manbearpig worked through the night on their patients, while Tribby leaned against her duckephant, Shibou, and sighed.  "No worry.  You be okay." she smiled, patting the creature until she fell asleep.

Just Like Homer. Dumber every season.

Manbearpig realized the foolishness of his actions and stopped.  "This is getting me nowhere..." he thought to himself quietly.

"TRIBBY HELP STAB?" Tribby exclaimed to the newly awoken Manbearpig.

He shrugged.  It seemed like a good idea.

They smiled, Tribby stabbed Manbearpig.  They smiled, Manbearpig stabbed Manbearpig.

If this was facebook, they'd both have just clicked the "like" button on "Stabbing Manbearpig".  But, unlike the popular social networking site, this was causing larger and larger amounts of knife damage to be done to the poor druid's torso.

Jay El groaned and opened his eyes.  "Uhhh..." he uhh-ed, seeing the two gleefully stabbing away.  "I think I'm hallucinating..." he sighed, noting the pain in his shoulder.

"TRIBBY HELP!  TRIBBY HELP!" Tribby yelled, pointing to the various stab wounds.  

"...or... maybe not." he sighed, and surveyed the situation.  Being of a medical background, his analysis was slightly more in depth than Tribby's had been.

"Yes.  It seems we have a parasite inside us.  Likely delivered by the small, semi-inflamed bite marks we all share... in contrast, the larger creatures, ie, the Duckephant and our mounts, seem to have been stung by large, barbed stingers..."

Manbearpig silently concurred.  And thought to himself that it was very likely a strain of red ants and giant wasps which put their young directly into their prey, which, presumably, ate themselves out of their hosts.

"Sadly, it seems Tribby's method of help was not altogether misguided."

Tribby arched an eyebrow and squeaked.

Manbearpig, who had an affinity with animals, patted her on the ear and said "You did well."

Tribby sighed and smiled, nuzzling for a scratch behind her ears.

Hmmm...

Manbearpig's eyes rolled back into their proper position, and the fuzzy, dark world, became less dark, less fuzzy, and more spinny.

He coughed and clenched his teeth.  "Twig of the ancients, those bugs really stabbed the heck out of me..." he thought to himself, turning over and taking in the battle-torn sight before him.

"..." he exclaimed.

He looked down at Jay El, and saw a tadpole like shape swim underneath his skin.  He frowned, and took out his dagger, and stabbed Jay El in the chest.  "Hmm..."

1/20 chance of competence.

Tribby sighed.  The blood gushing out of Jay El from all the knife wounds was making the ground slippery, and thus increasing the difficulty of her surgery.

She grunted, and lumbered over to Ash, who had a femur sized wasp stinger sticking out of him, and dry ground on which to squat.

"Hey, that's new!" she smiled, noting the stinger and putting away her knife for the time being.  "I'll bet I could yank that sucker out nice 'n clean!"  And, surprisingly, she was able to do so without harming Ash one bit.

"I knew I'd eventually get lucky" she beamed.

Thank goodness I saved you

Tribby sighed and wiped Manbearpig's blood from her face.  This was getting her nowhere.

She stood up and did her most scientific method of deciding who needed the most immidiate medical attention (other than the recently stabbed Manbearpig) that she knew, and, when she finished with "miney, moe" landing on Jay El, she, taking the time to wipe her knife off on her crap-smeared clothing, (wouldn't want to get Manbearpigblood on Jay El) knelt down and stabbed him in the shoulder.  "Hmmm..." she grunted, having been aiming for his chest.  "Looks like I hit an artery..." she sighed, as blood squirt-squirted out a good 10 feet past her head.

After frowning at the wound for a moment, she came to the conclusion that she would now have to attempt to stop the bleeding before continuing to improve her surgical prowess.

Thankfully, she managed to wrap the wound tightly (but not Ogre-tightly) around his arm nicely, and stopped the bleeding.  She sighed, proud of herself, paused one last time to admire her handiwork, and then stabbed him in the chest.  "Hmmm..."

Trial and error

Tribby gathered up her immidiate friends, and, shoving a few of the expendible slaves aside, piled them next to the duckephant.  Her keen Ogre vision quickly picked up a slithering, tadpole shape underneath her companion's skin.  "Ew." she diagnosed.

She stood up and surveyed the war zone and attempted to do a quick headcount.

"Lessee... we left with 50..." Tribby started counting on her fingers and ran out.  "Uhh... eleventy... six...  damn ogre-brain..."

Eventually, Tribby rationalized that, counting to fifty being entirely beyond her cognitive skill, that a better use of her time would be to attempt surgery upon Manbearpig.

Pulling out her knife, she examined his body, found the approximate location of the parasite, and stabbed Manbearpig in the chest.  "Hmm..." she grunted, stabbing him in the ribs "hmm..." she sighed, stabbing him in the stomach "hmmmm..."

Wait, so... do I get to roll or anything?

Tribby blinked, as suddenly the darkness was ripped away like a physical object, and the buzzing receded into the distance.

What surrounded her was not a welcome site.  Everyone... it looked like everyone was dead.  She whirled her eyes left and right, even her beloved Duckephant had fallen in the battle.  She ran to him and put her arms around its carcass and gave it a hug of despair, softly lifting and falling against... her...

Tribby opened her eyes, and noted that she was softly rising and falling.  Shibou was breathing!  She was alive!

Tribby took a step back, stepping on Ash's nuts.  No reaction.  She knelt down, placing much of her weight forward and slowly twisted and pivoted in place, examining him.  He was alive too!  She glanced down at her foot.  And thankfully, he seemed to be utterly paralyzed.

Everyone was.

She glanced at her multiple illusionary selves and smiled to herself.  Handy spell, that.  It had likely saved her from the same fate.

But now how was she to un-paralyze her friends?  And why had the attackers left so abruptly, and left them all alive?

What if they came back?

Vibrator Quality Control, Hello? HELLO!? WHAAAT!?

The group continued their slow caravan towards the Elven City, as snow began to fall.

The party, seeing the snow, all realized just how long they'd been together in an urgent mission to save the world.  The general consensus was that they should probably get started on that.

And then, a sudden distraction appeared.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a sudden loud buzzing and screeching was heard from all around the party.

"To arms!" Yelled Ash, readying his spear in anticipation.

The group looked towards the sound, and saw that there were dozens of large, wasp-like creatures carrying medium sized humanoid creatures upon their saddled backs.  Tribby cast mirror image on herself, in an effort to prolong what seemed very likely to be inevitable.

From a distance, they almost resembled a red ant riding a wasp.  But, as they neared the party, they soon realized that these were no simple-minded bugs, as they attacked with both precision, accuracy, and strategy.

The 50 armed sentries launched a volley of arrows and slung rocks upon the attackers, who seemed to easily weave between the shots with the utmost of aerial precision and dexterity.  Suddenly, the party was in chaos, as the world went utterly dark.  "Light!" Yelled Ash, "we need some light!" and, with that, he launched himself upwards in an effort to escape the darkness.

As luck would have it, there was one of the raiders directly above him and, he thrust his spear upwards into the giant wasp.  It screeched and stung him, causing him to scream in agony as the acidic venom was inserted into his bloodstream.  As he fell back to the ground, it was with terrifying relief that he realized his body was going numb.

"dish id subbuddy ebbes babble nub!" he said, his lips paralyzing up with the rest of him.  All around him, were screams of agony, and the constant sound of the terrifying, buzzing wings.

And then, his consciousness left him completely.

DM's Note:  To be fair, I just kinda "cinema-ed" this in an attempt to streamline our storylines together.  We had two new people to join the campaign, and I didn't want them watching a lengthly battle.


(as it turned out, they ended up watching a lengthly shopping spree instead, but, what can ya do eh?)

I'm dreaming of a plus one... spearhead... just like the ones I used to throoow...

The Fab Four and their Duckephant pressed onwards in anticipation towards the Elf City, each dreaming of both the safety it would provide, as well as the plentiful methods and options for them to part with their heavy burden of gold and silver.

For some, their dreams were simple.  Magic boots to make them jump higher, and extra pointy things with which to stab.  For others, magic helms, shields, and armors glistened in their minds eye.  Others still thought more of their companions' accessories than their own.

And for some, the potential option to return to their original form was both tantalizing, and terrifying.

"Do I... want to be a half-elf again?" Tribby thought to herself as she trundled in front of her Duckephant, leading it with a silken rope.  "Or heck, even a full-elf?"

As her proverbial book slowly began to resemble her cover, Tribby was beginning to feel more and more at home within the seemingly indestructible form of an Ogre.  What better vehicle was there for her to save the world?  Surely her fragile half-elf form would seem utterly feeble in comparison...

Still, as she felt her mind continuing to deteriorate, and her strange, guttural cravings to increase, she wondered... what would she do, when she got to the Elf City?  Surely they would have the ability to help her... she was a horse being led to the water, alright...

But would she drink?

Yadda yadda yadda

Using the King as a hostage, the heroes set it upon themselves to free the slaves, concubines, and animals.  Jay El initiated a "handful to each" of the slaves program, where they distributed the hundreds of thousands of copper coins amongst the slaves.

Then, and, it being late clearly effecting both the party and the DM's logic systems... they decided to stay there a few months and make cool stuff.

At some point, urgency and a time limit had been mentioned, in relation to the upcoming end of the world... but, when else would they have the chance to make plate mail for a Duckephant?

They took a cheetah, monkey and a Duckephant, made Armor for Ash, the Duckephant, and Ash's horse; Tribby had the King's crown crafted into a bracelet for her, and, in general, they milked the Kobold dungeon for everything it had.

Little details like sleeping and co-existing and food management were generally glossed over, and Jay El managed not to have any pressing nightmares or plot devices thrown at him during the course of these many months and, in general, the party got away with a lot.

Eventually, they took their 8000 (finally) freed slaves out, went a bit West of the former Roe, and started the slaves off on building the town of Salsa.

At this point, they took the Goblin girl and 50 armed guards to the Goblin city, reunited her with her family, traded a bit of their jewels for gold, sold a bunch of morning stars, and let the Goblins know that they'd pretty much wiped out the Kobold threat.

And now, they were off to the Elf City!

XP

Manbearpig

 Alignment Bonuses +200

 Killing Stuff +600

+300

 Roleplaying +700

 Traps +50

 Prison Break +400

SUB TOTAL 2250

Ash 

 Alignment Bonuses +200

 Killing Stuff +1800

 Roleplaying +700

 Secret Word Solve +50

 Neat Mid Air Spiderman Flip +50

 Milking the armor/treasure/slaves situation for everything it was worth +50

SUB TOTAL 2850

Tribby

 Alignment Bonuses +200

 Killing Stuff +1800

 Roleplaying +700

 Duckephant domestication logic +50

SUB TOTAL 2750

Jay El

 Alignment Bonuses +500

+10% Good

 Killing Stuff +1800

 Roleplaying +700

 Cool use of wind-wall +50

SUB TOTAL 3050

All

 Freed 8000 slaves +2000

 Rescued The Faries +800

 Created Salsa +1200

 Defeated Kobold Dung. +2000

SUB TOTAL 6000

Totals

 Jay El 9050  LEVEL UP! LEVEL UP!

 Ash 8850 LEVEL UP!

 Tribby 8750 LEVEL UP!

 Manbearpig 8250 LEVEL UP! LEVEL UP!

Afterthought

The group interrogated the King for a bit, and, after much discussion, delayed introductions, explanations, and cautious allowances, Manbearpig's creepy associate latched onto the King and read his mind, getting the password to a secret vault.

After searching and smashing the room randomly, Ash got the idea to speak the password aloud, and, the secret-secret-secret panel opened.

"Banana Carrot Buttered Bagel!" Ash spoke (in Kobold) at the wall, which immediately, and somewhat majestically, slid open to reveal a wall of gems.

Everyone ooo-ed and aaaah-ed at the gems and chatted about their value.

Manbearpig leaned over to Jay El "By the way, I think I'm poisoned." he mentioned.  "Oh, and, I'm missing an eye."

LOOT

 10 x rubies      $10,000

 10 x amethyst  $1000

 10 x topaz       $5000

  5 x sapphire   $5000

  5 x emerald   $5000

Yay for non-bifurcated story-lines!

Manbearpig burst through the secret opening in the main throne room, much to the delight of Tribby, who, in a positively Chewbaccian moment, roared, ran up, and hugged Manbearpig in a sing-song-moaning of joy.

Manbearpig did his best to suppress his gag reflex from the smell, and smiled.  "I'm all right pal, I'm all right." he stammered, doing his best not to look like he was pushing her away and gasping.  "...I'm chasin' something invisible, can you hear it girl?  Can you?"

Tribby paused, and perked up her ears.  Not only did she hear her prey, but she smelled it too.  She pointed and yelled "There!"

With an impressive amount of reflexes, Jay El tossed his caltrops in the direction of the point, while simultaneousness, Ash threw his bag of sneezing and coughing.

It should be noted, that, at this point, the group had yet to identify what the bag of orange dust WAS, and, it was very, very tempting to make it some kind of "super-enlarge-and-empower-dust"... but I resisted.

The King yelped in pain, then began coughing and, well, sneezing, as the entire room filled with the magical equivalent of tear gas.  Shortly thereafter, EVERYONE started coughing, sneezing, retching, and otherwise making mucus-related decisions.

Tribby grabbed the invisible, coughing Kobold while everyone recovered from the Ash-gas and, while everyone was waiting, he eventually turned visible, and looked decidedly Kingly.

Hulk hate personal pronouns.

Tribby's formerly elven mind sparked for a moment, reminding her of what it was she was both losing, and becoming.  "Wait a minute...  We're in the King's throne room, and all that's in there is copper?"

She felt around in the vault and found a slight shimmer.  "ooooh secret-secret vault...  How to... how to... open..."  The Ogre-rage overshadowed her thoughts... "Tribby smash!"

Nothing happened except a slight shimmer.  For a moment, the group looked at Tribby.  Would this discourage her rage, or...

"TRIBBY SMAAAASH!" she yelled, thrashing wildly at the shimmer.

Ash shrugged, and helped her smash.

Jay El sighed.  Ever since freeing some of the slaves, he'd felt...  lighter... clearer.  To see his companions resort to savagery... even against an inanimate object...  troubled him.

He smiled.

That was probably a really... really good thing.

Some time passed, and, eventually, Tribby's savagery, and Ash's accuracy gained them access to the secret-secret vault.

Kobold porn spilled out.

Tribby wiped some froth from her mouth.  "It...  what!?  NO!"

Ash put a calming arm on her shoulder, and, using his spear as a makeshift shovel, pulled the porn out onto the floor.  "Kobold on Dragon, Kobold on Elf, Kobold on Kobold, Kobold on... is that a female kobold with a dick?"

The group laughed, but, kept fishing within the porn until...

"Paydirt!" Yelled Ash.

LOOT
 18,732g

 28,478s

 Kobold porn

Manbearpig mans up

Manbearpig looked down at his glowing handful, and noted that it had returned once more to its rock-form.

He wondered to himself if he could do the same for Jay El... was there some... magic solution to his predicament?  Was his predicament anything other than his own mental evolution?  Who was Manbearpig to stand in the way of his friend's evolution?

Manbearpig shook his head, snapped his attention back to the matters at hand, and picked up the beautifully crafted sword, which glinted in his rock's light.  

Who was he?  He was goddamn Manbearpig, that's who.  If it was up to him to save his friend, save the whole damn world, then that was just fine.

He was goddamn Manbearpig.

The sound of small, frantic footfalls assaulted his ears.  He stood, his loincloth blowing in the nonexistent breeze, told his creepy companion to lean against the wall and lurched forward with his shiny new weapon raised towards whatever it was that had slaughtered Kip.  Presumably, this had been the creature's only weapon of consequence, and it was now retreating as the tides had changed.

Focused and fierce, Manbearpig noted the creature's footfalls change

tap tap tap tap TAP.... t-tap-tap-tap tap tap tap...  

Sensing the danger, he too jumped over what was very likely another glue trap.  As he jumped, he noted a small marking upon the tile, and, as he continued his pursuit of the unseen attacker, he easily avoided all the other traps.

I'm not an elf... not yet an ogre...

Tribby smashed open the vault, and thought to herself, sadly, on how it had become her primary method of solving problems.  How would she have solved the issue of the safe in her old body?

Tribby blinked.  When had this Ogre body been dubbed her body, and her original form, her old?  Was... was she happy in this new body, or simply becoming desensitized to it?  She looked down at her huge, hairy hands.  Was she happy?  Happy being strong?

She grunted and tore the remaining pieces of the safe door and tossed it aside, and smiled.  Ogre, Human, or Elf, there was gold in them thar hills.

LOOT
 20g

 200s

 118,311c

 Stone of weight

 Dust of sneezing and choking

Shell Shocked

Manbearpig stared aghast as Kip suddenly, and unexpectedly lurched violently forward as his back seemed to simply open up and shoot a sudden spout of fire from an unknown source.

Gimley, who was next in line, yelled a battle cry towards what he clearly felt was a hidden foe, and swung blindly towards it with no luck.  Manbearpig looked around, attempting to comprehend what was happening.  The bird-woman launched herself as well into the fray, with equally inept results towards their invisible attacker.

Manbearpig couldn't believe Kip was dead.  Just like that, with no warning or anything.  Dead.  Just like that.  How had he died?  Was there some kind of cursed tablet inside him, set to go off if he went too far from his cell?

Gimley's cheek erupted in a sudden squirt of blood and fire, and the bird-woman screeched and clawed at the air.

Maybe it was some kind of thing... that Halflings just... did?  Did Halflings just...  Suddenly, the air in front of Gimley and the bird-woman let out an angry bark, and a short sword flung out of the air in front of the group, over Gimley's head, into the wall (causing another eruption of fire) and landed at Manbearpig's feet.

If one had put effort into the logistics and theatrics of this battle, one might have been disappointed at the unfortunate clumsiness of the owner of the sword... but thankfully, there was no deity overseeing the events of these adventurer's lives, and everything was completely random.

(Still, it was a shame.)

Kobold Nipples

"Where's the King!?" Jay El prompted.  "He's our ticket outta here!"

Tribby sniffed the air and listened, but found nothing.  The group sighed, and did a thorough search of the area, in an effort to find either the King, or, his escape route.

However, they got rather distracted when they found his treasure room.

Upon initial inspection, it was a modest treasure room... for a king.  There was three rather tasteful paintings of nude and semi-nude Kobolds in various Victorian poses; as well as a marble sculpture of a naked Kobold (oddly, with rubies for nipples... as Kobolds do not have nipples)

Behind one of the paintings, was a safe.  "Neat!" Tribby remarked, remembering an illusion her village's story teller would craft for them involving a talking dog and his wacky pals who would solve mysteries.

While the group discussed various methods of opening the safe (okay, they just started smashing it) they also found some interesting items in a small, storage offshoot of the room.

LOOT

 Quaal's feather token, anchor

 Universal solvent

 black dust.  (10 sprinkles, reforms destroyed black onyx gem).

 Quaal's feather token, swan boat

 Dust of dryness

 2xImmovable rods

 intricate carpet

 Hide from undead (potion)

 Jump (potion)