Trauma

Ash opened the silver door, and noted that there was 19' drop "stairs" that went very, very far down.  The rest of the group smiled, they'd already figured out this particular type of puzzle.  "CLIMB DOWN!" they yelled in triumph.  (and they did!)

They entered a very dark room with a very high ceiling, filled with very scary things.  Specifically, dead people chained to walls who had clearly not died of natural causes.

The group heard a terrible rasp and suddenly, the chains were alive.  The group fought the chains valiently, but, there seemed to be a never ending supply - Ash explored deeper, and found the chain devil responsible for all the trouble, and attacked it directly.

Med looked and, falling for the creature's illusionary spell, noted that Ash was attacking her Father!  "DADDY!" she yelled, shooting a web spell at Ash and her Father in an attempt to break up the battle without harming either.

"NO!" Ash yelled, "its an illusion!"  But Med was convinced the creature was her Father.  As the battle continued, more and more of her friends attacked her Father, until, finally, Ash decapitated him with his silver sword which had turned silver the moment he'd touched it with the "cursed" ring.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Med screamed, holding out her hand in protest.

Raelin bent down and took some of the magic chains from the devil's body.  "Sweet, these things look magic!"

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Its the Ash show, starring me, I'm Ash!

It was at around this exact time that Ash pretty much did the dungeon by himself.

Maybe it was exasperation, maybe it was because he was hungry, or maybe it was because he just bloody well paid attention.

Ash jumped into the exploded remains of the undead dragon and his archer friends, and found 4 golden arrows and a bow.  He then went out into the next room, discovered that there was a huge pit, which, at the bottom, seemed to be slightly illuminated by a pair of glowing red eyes.  Reasoning that it was most likely an undead skeleton, he continued on to his right, discovering a 10' high shelf.

Hoisting himself up, he continued on.  The rest of the group stayed behind like confused roombas, finding the concept of climbing something 10' high impossible.

Solving a few minor puzzles as he went, he eventually encountered a gigantic, undead dinosaur with a golden sword within its chest.

Refusing to yell "I have at thee" he nonetheless, had at it.  Jumping and stabbing as was his trademark.

Raelin, being of reasonably high intelligence, suddenly solved the puzzle of the 10' obstruction.  "Hey...  I could climb over this!" he smiled, brilliantly.  Tribby, the 9' Ogre looked at the 10' obstruction and squinted.  The Elf's idea just, might, work.

Ash jumped and stabbed, and was swallowed by the giant tyrannosaurus!

The party gleefully climbed over the obstructions, being quite excited at their progress.

Ash, not missing a beat, smashed the creature's teeth from within, causing the creature to open its mouth in protest!

The rest of the group arrived and stared helpfully as Ash fought the giant behemoth!

Ash leapt from the creature's maw, spiderman vaulted up on an arc, and landed upon the back of the creature's skull, stabbing it once more from a vantage point where the creature was unable to counter!

Raelin snapped out of his awestruck daze first, and stabbed the creature in the big toe with the golden knife they'd acquired from the Ravid's treasure chest!  "HAH!" he yelled!

Ash continued to stab, all the while holding on as the creature thrashed violently!

"HAH!" Raelin yelled again, really poking the creature.

Tribby looked up at the creature, back at ash, back at Raelin, and asked what they were fighting.  Jay El informed her that it was the undead dragon from before.  Med mentioned that she thought they'd blown that up earlier.  The group discussed this some more while Ash screamed in bloodlust (can one have bloodlust against an undead?  Would that be bone-lust?)

Tribby ran up and attacked it with her club in the face... which was very high up.  Ash explained to her that it was still an undead tyrannosaurus rex.  Tribby apologized, and smashed it in the shin, instead.

Ash finally fell the beast and the group celebrated and discussed various aspects of the creature and what, in fact, it was.  Ash took the golden sword from the creature's chest and held it aloft.  The group asked where he'd gotten it from.

Ash headed back to the junction from which they'd came, and found a silver key was needed to unlock the door to the next area.  Manbearpig shot a golden arrow at the undead at the bottom of the pit.

Ash used the ring of poverty upon the golden key, turning it silver, and opened the door.

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I am sensing something from the DM...

The group made its way through the portal, explained to Jay El why they were now able to get through it, and discovered a new, and terrifyingly acid-filled room.

Seeing that it was terrifying, and acid-filled, everyone (including Jay El) decided not to walk into it.

The DM sighed a sigh of relief.

The group instead went back South, and entered another room, filled with furniture, and a floating Ravid.

In the center of the room, was a tell-tale chest filled with all sorts of items which were surely required to advance the plot, as well as a library no doubt filled with information everyone would need.

Tribby attempted to jump over the acid, Jay El told her that the acid was too far to jump across, Ash informed them both that they were no longer in a room with any acid.  Jay El attacked a chair.  Med checked her facebook.

Ash took the reigns and killed the Ravid, took the gold key from him, as well as a gold dagger.  He then told Tribby to smash an aluminum statue while Raelin read about the properties of Aluminum in the library.

Ash picked up the aluminum sword, and, after learning from Raelin that aluminum converted to hydrogen when exposed to acid, got Tribby to smash up the statue, re-explained why, and picked up some of the pieces, and put them into the acid room, which, after a short while, caused a rather large explosion, destroying the wall, and the undead dragon behind it.

Ash explored, found a ruby, and Manbearpig equipped a bow and 6 golden arrows dropped by the undead archers but forgot to write them down in his inventory for later.

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Who is on first? THIRD BASE!

The group entered the first room, grumbling about how they really would have paid attention if they'd been paying attention, and, noted a box.

"Hey, a box." said Ash, like some sort of children's novel.  "And it says: Caution, will reduce wealth" on it.

He paused, glanced at all of his naked companions, shrugged, and opened the box.  Inside, was a ring.  He shrugged again and put it on, and glanced down at his genitals.

Nothing happened.

The group examined the room, and noted that one of the walls was a shimmering type wall, which, Raelin identified as a particular spell which could only be breached via a wooden object.

Tribby walked into it, and asked what it was.  Raelin told her again.

Jay El walked into it and asked what it was.  Raelin told him again.

Eventually, after some discussion (ironically from the half-deaf Ash) about listening skills, the group went down the hallway, and opened a door.

Behind which, was a rather terrifying undead Ogre wielding a wooden club.

Jay El looked at the room, and wondered what was inside it - everyone told him there was an undead ogre wielding a wooden club.  He asked where it was, and they informed him that it was inside the room that he was looking in.

Everyone ran away, Jay El attempted to hide behind something that wasn't there, and, in perhaps a showing of things to come, Raelin informed him as such.  "There isn't anything there to hide behind, Jay El.  This is just a hallway with an undead Ogre at the end of it - you should be running."

Jay El struggled with the complex visuals, and, eventually, acquiesced that Raelin was correct.

As they were being chased by the undead Ogre, they caught a glimpse of the rest of the room behind him - which was filled with more undead - one of which appeared to be a dragon.

The group finished its strategic retreat, gang beat the Ogre, and opened the rippling wood-opens-me portal.

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(Heads was bad)

"Headsies." Petal smiled.

Jay El, who was a luck-domain cleric asked the group if he should use his luck-feat to make her re-flip the coin, but nobody had been paying attention.

The group was sent into a fiery doom-pit of doom which was the room they were already in and had no fire in it.

"Okay." The group sighed "looks like we made the right call."

"Should we go through that door then?" They asked nobody in particular - as if the universe itself was being controlled by some all-powerful entity who could offer advice.  (there was no response from the DM)

"Alright then..." they sighed, and went through the door.

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Nobody lets Petal monologue.

The group climbed out and sighed.

"God damn it." Ash grunted.  "We're back where we started."

Jay El smiled, "that's true buddy ol' pal, but hey, at least we have a new door to go through, now!"

"Hello." said the world.

"Oooooh." the party attempted "...kaaay..."

The walls warped around, and forged a Petal.

"Hey!  It's Petal!" Jay El smiled "Hi Petal!  Sorry about before!"

"Hello biggies." Petal smiled.  "Welcomes to no-nicey place where Petal makesies the rules."

"Awesome, can you get us out of here?"

"QUIET!" Petal yelled, doing her best to be dramatic and evil.  "Petal knows youse is all trying to be goodies but just suck at it."

The group all agreed except for Raelin "Uh, actually, I'm not trying t..."

"No, Petal knows, not you - Petal gets it.  -Anyway, Petal was saying,"

"Its just that I"m not with these people, and, I'm evil.  So, if you're evil..."

"Quiet, please - Petal is monologuing."

"Big word for a pixie."

"Will you... (sigh)  Right.  Anyway:  Petal has been trying to decide on weather or not to killsies you all, or helpsies you out - as Petal would really like to killsies you all, but, you are all needed to savezies the world."

"Wait." Raelin interjected "all of us are needed?"

"...(sigh) yes, all-of-you-are-needed MOVING ON, you..."

"So I can't kill... like... any of these people?"
"So we can't kill Raelin?"

"NO!  N... look, I'm going to be doing the killing!  I'm the big scary evil thing!"

"Heh, right.  Sure, very scary.  Look - just to be clear, why are you mad at us?"

"B... bec... (wasn't I clear on that?  I felt I was clear on that.)  BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY ENTIRE FAMILY... and... also broke some of my toys."

"Oh.  Okay."

"..."

"So..."

"Petal is just seeing if there are any more QUESTIONS."

"No, we're good."

"...okay then.  As Petal was saying - Petal is going to flip a coin.  Heads, petal sends you to a place where youse all gets to watch each others die, forevers and evers.  Tai...."

"What's tails?"

"...ls... TAILS IS Petal helps you.  She gives you one of the thingies you needzies to save the world...sies."

The fairy flipped the coin that would decide the group's entire fate.

"Wait, which one are we hoping for again?"

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A glimpse into the male psyche.

Med blushed, and did her best to hide her naked form.

"Oh crap, are we still all telepathically linked?  I hope not.  Don't think about pushing that Nun's head down and..."
"YES!  WE ARE STILL TELEPATHICALLY LINKED!" Yelled Med, "STOP IT!"

"damn!  She knows!" thought everyone in the party.

Raelin paused.  "I hate all of you."

Oddly, that helped everyone regain their composure and focus.  "Right!  Let's all climb up and get the hell out of here." Ash grunted.

"Med, you go first."

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priorities

Tribby's soul hovered for what seemed like an eternity, but, was in fact less than the time it takes to flip a coin into the air.

Which body would she take?  The one she loathed but was functional, or the one she identified with but lacked the strength to which she'd become accustomed?

Which was more important, her mind or her ability to lift heavy objects?

What was more crucial, her ability to carry on conversations, or get her daily nourishment from feces?

She made her choice, and Tribby the Ogre's eyes, snapped open just in time to grab the ledge, as the lifeless sack of Half Elf Tribby plummeted into the pit below, to be devoured completely and utterly by that which was below.

"Wow." Ash remarked.  "Med's ass is awesome."

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56:34 / 60:00 Riddle my wrists, no wait, I mean...

The Party Entered the Room of Riddles

"Y'know, this is my first room of riddles" Med remarked to the rest of the party's surprise. 

Glowing letters appeared in front of Manbearpig.

A king had two sons. The king was getting very old and he didn't know who to give his kingdom to. So he got his sons together for a horse race. He said Whoever's horse crosses the finish line last gets my kingdom. 

So the Sons both started out moving very slow, neither one wishing to pass the other.  Eventually, they noticed an old man walking past them, who they told of their race.  He gave them some advice, and, they followed it and took off as fast as they could.  

What was the advice?

Med paused, and whispered to Manbearpig "swap horses?"

The riddle dissolved, and more of the invisible path was made walkable.

Shimmering words appeared before Ash!

Studies have proven that cheetahs have more hair on one side then on their other side. Some people believe that this is because when Cheetahs lay on their side they need insulation from the cold on the floor or ground. Which side of a cat has more hair? 

Jay El laughed, having heard this one as a child.  "The outside!"

The path elongated, and shimmering words appeared in front of Jay El

What is made of wood but has never been cut?

Jay El frowned "Why did I get the retarded one?  A tree."

The riddle faded, the path elongated, and words shimmered into Raelin's view.

A prison, a sanctuary, a shield and a cell, death would occur had it fell, no hinges nor doors nor windows nor lid, yet golden be what inside, is hid.

Ash pshawed, "a friggin egg, man.  Everyone knows that."

The words sighed, vanished, and shimmered anew in front of Tribby.

A Falcon lays 7 eggs, they hatch and are healthy.  She feeds them, cares for them, and teaches them to fly.  Half of them are boys.  How is this possible?

There was silence.

"Wait, why does Tribby get the hard one?" Jay El said, quite insulted.  "I mean..."

"Shut up!  We don't have time for this!" Raelin snapped.  "it's because the Mom counts, right?"

57:12/60 - The floor sinked slightly

"Oh crap."

The group mumbled to themselves for a bit

58:15/60  "There are two yolks in one?" The floor sunk dramatically.

Ash grunted "The flying part is important..."

59:32/60:00 "Half of them are boys, and the other half are men!" Ash laughed, jokingly

The riddle dissolved.  Apparently he'd been at least partially correct.

Raelin sighed "Whoever put us in here is going to die horribly."

Words shimmered in front of Med.  Raelin groaned.

What is the size of an elephant, lighter than a duck, which follows both creatures?

59:55 / 60:00 "Bloody... THEIR SHADOW!" Raelin screamed.

The riddles complete, and with 5 seconds to spare, the heroes darted for the resulting opening.  As they did so, they began to transform back into their bipedal, opposable thumbed, increased brain cavity selves, and, due to the remaining psychic link, heard nearly immediately what each of them thought of each other's nakedness.

What nobody expected, was that when Tribby turned back, she would split in half.  The invisible path was not big enough to support both of them and, at that moment, Tribby's consciousness had to pick.

Was she to return to the ogre body, or the half elf?

XP


 Quests
  Surviving Petal's Right Brain: 23*75 = 1725


 Killing Stuff
  Ash
    Medium Undead 100
    (Higher CR due to nudity)


 Cool Stuff
  Ash
    Megaraptor lone battle 300
    Megaraptor teeth bashin' spiderman flippin' dinosaur ridin' 300


  Ash 2425
  Jay El 1725
  Manbearpig 1725
  Med 1725
  Raelin 1725

Part 1 (No Tribby)

XP

 Quests

  Surviving Petal's Left Brain: 29*125 = 3625

 Roleplaying

  Med

  wanting to smash stuff in new body 20

  Raelin

  inner monologue 50

  Manbearpig

  Mr. Ed voice 50

 Honors (+5% p/successful creative solution)

Med 17.5%

Raelin 25%

Ash 27.5%

Jay El 10%

  Med (3625+20)*1.175 = 4283

  Raelin (3625+50)*1.25 = 4594

  Ash (3625)*1.275 = 4622

  Jay El (3625)*1.1 = 3988

  Manbearpig (3625+50)*1 = 3675

53:60 / 60:00 - Tick tock!

The party entered a large, five sided room with a huge, deep, dark pit being its only feature.  At the bottom came the sound of rattling bones.

"Those bones sound undead." Ash grunted.

"Man, how do we get across?" Raelin squeaked, noticing Ash's increased lewd stares towards his general direction.  

"Now you know how I feel" Med replied.

"We could use the spiderwalk potion on the duckephant, ride her across..."

"could go back and get all the ropes, tie them together..."

"go down and kill all the undead..."

"SAND!"

Everyone stopped.  "Sand?"

Med smiled, "Yeah, sand!"

Everyone riiiiiiight-ed.  "Oh yeah, the riddle.  Sand.  Okay..."

"So we need sand.  There was that pit of quick to medium quicksand." 

"Right!"

"So what do we do with it?"

"Does the undead snake have skin?"

"No."

"Hm.  No sack-option, then."

"That was creative."

"Thanks."

"Could we superheat the eye dropper we used to drop the potion on tribby, and bend it around the corners, and use it to transport the sand?"

"...no."

"Okay..."

Eventually, they went back, grabbed a handful of sand, and threw it into the pit, showing an invisible bridge.

"Ooooh, like that movie!" they all ooohed.  "Right right."

They ran back, got more sand, and made clear the method with which they were to cross.

They all celebrated and took a moment to congratulate each other on their collective intelligence.

"I'm the most edible creature here - hurry the fuck up!" Raelin interjected.

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53/60 Raelin: "I'm the most edible creature here, hurry the fuck up."

50:22 / 60:00 You, solve the antilife equation!

The group opened up the door, and was met with a riddle, the answer was sand, but Ash swore the answer was time.  Regardless, eventually, Med got the answer "right".

After that, nothing seemed to happen, which was something of a let down.  There'd been a riddle on a wall, they'd answered the riddle, and nothing had happened.

Previous DND experiences had not prepared them for this.  (it was at this point that it occured to the DM to start putting riddles randomly on all sorts of walls, simply to detain the party - however, in this case, answering the riddle would prove useful... shortly)

"Hey, that's a large, undead snake with a key around its neck." said Med, wanting to have some dialog.

Thinking quickly, Raelin came up with the basic strategy.  "You, the one who is thinking of eating me, go distract the snake by getting too close to its biting mouth."

"Okay!"

"And you, fatty, step on it."

"Okay!"

"And you, fly over there and grab the key."

"Okay!"

It all worked.
(What can I say?  It wasn't all that dramatic)

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47:26 / 60:00 Oh right, you're a bird.

The group entered the giant, awe inspiring, terrifyingly complex maze.  It was truly terrifying.  Everyone collectively gulped.

Someone noticed that the maze was only 20' high.

Someone remembered Tribby was a falcon.

The group sighed a sigh of relief.

In the center, was a suspended pillar, with a cage upon it.  The key that they required was inside the cage.

Tribby flew up to the cage and noted that she could peck and hold the key in her mouth, but, that it was too big to pull free of the bars.

Med had a thought:  "What if we shrunk Tribby so she could get into the cage?"

It was close enough.  Tribby gripped the key, the group poured the shrink animal potion upon her, she, and all that she held, shrunk with her, she then pulled the key free of the cage, and enlarged.

After that, she simply flew back, and the group opened up the door.

"This is getting easy!" the group laughed and chuckled merrily to one another.

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40:00 / 60:00 Closer... closer... meh.

Ash, carrying Raelin, Jay El, and Tribby (of whom the entire party had forgotten was there in Falcon (Thaco) form, as her player was absent) on his back as the ceiling got closer... closer... CLOSER... not really all that suspensefully cloooose aaaaand, leaving just enough time to go back for his proverbial hat, making it across as the ceiling hit the floor behind them.

The three companions jumped off, hit the three switches in the room simultaneously - each switch filling a small potion of "Shrink Animal (Weak)" with a single drop.

As they looked at the small eye dropper in the wall, they realized that it led to a very small, glass tube, and the party decided as a whole that it would be a good idea to put the shrink animal potion into it at some point.

(Also, the door to the maze opened.)

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37:11 / 60:00 +4 to all lice checks

Raelin attempted to snap, failed, attempted to facepalm his forehead, failed, and eventually, simply announced "D'oh!  I'll be right back."

Quickly, he (taking Med with him) went back to the first room, got Med to lower him into the pit with her trunk, scurried across, gnawed a rope, had Mr. Jangles... that is, Jay El, grab the rope and bring it back, nailed the rope to the wooden floor, and tossed it across for Shibou, that is, Med, to grab with her trunk, and then had the Monkey go across the rope followed shortly by Raelin.

"There." he smiled.  +1 to monkey!

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29:56 / 60:00 I use the same reasoning in my porn career

"I'm growing increasingly impatient with all this being-a-rat-and-not-being-able-to-light-people-on-fire... thing."

"Quiet Raelin."

"I'm just saying."

Ash surveyed the area, and noted that there was a hallway with a slow, crushing ceiling "trap" in it which seemed activated by a pressure plate.  "Hmm...  I could run to the end of the hallway before that ceiling crushed me I'll bet." he thought to himself.

"Shouldn't we send the cheetah?" Came Jay El's reply.

"I am the cheetah!  Listening skills!"

"Oh.  Right."

"I wanna step on the pressure plate!"

"NO!  That triggers the crushing ceiling trap!"

"But I'm huge!"

Raelin paused and put his rat hand on Med's giant leg "That is not a good reason" he whispered softly.

"...oh."

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15:03 / 60:00 Them Duckephant's is goooood eatin'

Med, forgetting that her brain was on an internal loudspeaker in the group's collective mind, fantasized about drinking the spiderwalk potion while singing to herself "spider duckephant, spider duckephant, does whatever a... spiderduckephant... does..."

"Med, seriously.  Shut the hell up." Ash snapped.  "We're trying to figure out what to do with the damn potion."

"Damn, I shouldn't snap at people like that... I'm just so damn hungry... man, I think I'll eat Raelin first.  Little piss ant's probably never been laid in his entire million year life, so his meat'd be clean... of course... he's a rat... damn.  Rats aren't nearly as good eating as say... a whole duckephant..."

The group collectively ahemed.

"Oh right.  Communal mind...  spi...der... duck...ephant... spider... duckephant... does... whatever a... spider duckephant does.." he sang, sheepishly.  (or rather, Cheetahily)

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09:11 / 60:00 Workin' togeeeether

Raelin crawled along the grate and noted that, after a bit, below him, were the very ropes which dangled over the abyss which Jay El was attempting to cross.  Using his ratty wits, Raelin gnawed through every second rope, allowing the ropes which, initially, were sightly sagging, to fall down into nice, vertical, easily swingable ropes.

Jay El wiped his hands on his legs and jumped onto the ropes, easily swinging across.  When he was about half way, Raelin sent him a nice evil thought that if he so chose, he could easily gnaw through the ropes to which Jay El was currently clinging.

After a tense moment, Jay El continued along his way and grabbed the potion.  He could not, however, swing back with only one hand, and the potion was too heavy to hold in his mouth.

Raelin jumped out of the way, and Jay El climbed the ropes, and placed the potion in the hole, and Raelin jumped back - pushing the potion all the way to the entrance while Jay El swung back so that he could catch it.

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Tribby would be grateful

Bitching at each other relentlessly, Jay El and Raelin explored the ventilation shaft, and noted there was an opening, as well as a vent which neither could easily reach.  At the opening, there appeared to be a deadly abyss, at the end of which lay a clearly labelled potion of spiderwalk, above the pit was a high ceiling with ropes attached to it, drooping slightly, but not within jumping distance of Jay El.

Ash thought impatiently into their minds.  "Throw the Rat into the vent!"

Jay El and Raelin frowned at each other, but acquiesed that this was the way to go.

Raelin bit his finger, Jay El let out a monkey-yelp, and, frowning, held him over the spiked pit meaningfully.  "Bite me again." he grinned.

Raelin peed himself.

Jay El smiled for a moment, then, realized he was holding the rodent, sighed, and raised the rat up to the vent. Raelin pooped in appreciation.

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Seriously? No traps at all? I rolled a 20...

Raelin timidly explored the bottom of the pit; taking special care to avoid touching the points, walls, and other related paranoia, and found a small hole which he could fit through.  After much deliberation, he did so.

Eventually, Raelin ended up in some tunnels and, came upon a grate which, as he looked out of it, looked out at Jay El from above.  Using his cute widdle wat hands, Raelin un-screwed the grate, considered dropping it on Jay El and decided against it, and, Jay El jumped up.

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That's REALLY pure.

WaaaaaaaPOOF

"Well." Raelin thought to the group.  "That was disappointing."

Jay El smiled.  "Yes, thank you.  I'm fine."

Jay El investigated the Bear, and noted that it had an intricate belt, as well as a hammer, a tool belt, and a nail.

"Hmm..."

No synapses sparking immidiately, he continued on and investigated the grate, and the peg.

"Poke the peg!" Ash thought, impatiently.

He did so.

Nothing happened.

"Pull the peg!"

"(really, I think it's just a...)"

"PULL THE PEG!"

Jay El sighed and pulled the peg.

Nothing happened.

"TURN THE PEG!"

"(oh for crying out...)" Jay El sighed, and banged, pulled, twisted and blew on the peg suggestively.  "There!  Satisfied?  It's JUST A PEG!"

Raelin looked down at the spiked pit.  "Hey, fat-ass" he thought at Med - "Lower me into the pit... carefully." and, then, impatiently, "I'm small enough that I can navigate the pit and explore without getting skewered."

Surprisingly, Med had no evil thoughts to drop Raelin's ass on a spike;  (She was just that pure) and gently lowered him in.

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Monkey go splat splat cows go moo

Med looked down at her trunk, and over at Jay El's tiny Monkey body and smiled.

"I could totally throw you."

"What, across the river of spikes!?"

"Sure.  You'd land safely."

"right, because... when a gigantic creature hurls a tiny creature across a huge abyss, that always ends well."

Raelin smiled and everyone heard his evil thought.

"Shut up Raelin." Ash grunted.  "Med, throw Jay El across, and aim for the stuffed bear."

Jay El brightened.  "At least I have the potential for a soft landing, that way!"

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Hoodoo you love?

Raelin and Jay El pushed the non-breakable items (the hammer, the nail and the belt) into the pit, and then Jay El tossed him back into the grate so that he could drag his way back to Med, who lifted both the items, and the rat out of the pit.

Raelin paused.  "Hey.  Uh... how do we get the Monkey across the pit?"

Ash meowed and licked his nuts.  "Meh.  Sorry Monkey.  We'll come back for you later." and, as he unlocked the purple door "or, y'know, we'll make a pile of stones in your honor.  Either way."

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I couldn't eat another bite.

The group followed Ash out the door, and noted that the room tapered outwards.  As they timidly checked the walls, floors, ceilings, air molocules, and other forms of carbon for any mention of a trap, they gradually became aware of a spiked pit in the center of the room which was, in no way, obscured or difficult to miss.

On the other side of the pit was a large, stuffed bear with some paraphernalia on its person, a peg in a wall, and a grate on the upper section of one of the walls.

Hmmmm... they collectively pontificated.

:





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Jay El loses his jewels.

Thanks to the mental connection the entire party was sharing, everyone was privy to the innermost thoughts of the party, weather they wanted to be, or not.

"I think that I'm a fucking cheetah!"
"Rat hands!"
"Monkey hands!"
"Can I make a wish on your hands?"
"I'll make a wish for you!  (oh good, middle fingers yay for opposable thumbs!)"
"Everyone shut up!  We're all inside our animals"
"I'm a horse.  (do doo do d-doo)"
"Was anyone awake when this happened?"
"I was.  World got shimmery.  Nobody around, nuthin'"
"Jewel-less!  I feel so separated from my divinity!"
"I could totally smash that door!  I'm freaking HUGE!"
"Hold the hell on!"

The Cheetah (Ash) opened the door.  "Sheesh.  You get trapped in an animal's body and you get all panicky."

Ash paused and looked at some of the smaller animals in the party.  This Cheetah hadn't eaten in a while.

"We should get moving." he muttered, noting that the rest of the party was well aware of his hunger pangs, and hoped that they understood the severity of his request.

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Ba dah dum duuuuuum!

The tireless Ash blinked as his sleeping companions began to waver and fade like some cheesy Nintendo dimensional transfer graphic.  Was his vision getting fuzzy?  Was the world... fading out one pixel at a time?


"Uh... HEY!" Ash yelled, alerting and awaking his comrades.

Raelin looked around "we've shifted phases." he muttered into everyone's minds at once.

Med looked around, and noted that she was in a small room, and that she was surrounded by the group's animal companions, who all seemed smaller than they had been before.


"HEEEEEY!" suddenly echoed inside everyone's minds in a voice similar to Jay El's.


Ash's voice was soon to follow, again, echoing within their minds.  "What the fuck is this place?  Fuckin' fucking fuck.  Fuck.  Fucking fucktardian fucklore."


Raelin noted that he'd likely been shrunk - as all of the animals around him seemed grotesquely large.  He shifted nervously, making sure not to attract the attention of the Cheetah.

"If I shoot an empowered fireball into the ceiling...  would that get us out and kill the rest of these retards?"

"How does that even make sense?"

"At this point I'm willing to try"

"At this point!?  You've been awake for a minute, because I woke you up!  The solution isn't always fireballs!"

Manbearpig chewed his cheek and thought nothing.

Raelin looked for his rat and noted he was nowhere to be found.  "Good.  Wouldn't want the little bugger seeking revenge..."

Jay El looked "what are you talking about, the Rat is right there!  Who is missing is Mr. Jangles!"

Ash noted that his companions had all faded away, and that he was left in a room with the pets they'd all acquired along their journeys.  He noted Jay El's monkey, and decided to pet it.

Jay El noted the giant Cheetah leap towards him and take a swipe at his face.  Immidiately, Jay El reached for his mace and noted it was not there!  Panicking, he swung his empty hand at the Cheetah.


Ash recoiled, noting that the Monkey appeared feral or possibly rabid, then paused

Ash: "Ooooh." echoed shortly thereafter through the joys of mass telepathy.

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Killing the kid, not evil. Raising his pet as a skeleton: evil? Psh, your ethics are whack, yo.

The world faded back into view as Med's holy powers sealed Raelin's neckhole shut (the bad hole, not the good one used for breathing) and he swore angrily at the indignity of it all, glaring for someone to phantasmly kill.  He noted that Tribby seemed to be underneath a Dire Bear, and opted to zap... the bear.

Tribby didn't notice right away, and did a conan-fights-the-rubber-snake (otherwise known as the sacred son of Set) for a bit, before shrugging the behemoth off of her.

The young Troll had stabbed her a few times while the Bear had held her down (whilst mauling!) and she was leaking rather poorly.

Meanwhile, Ash was holding his own against the larger Troll, though it too, was holding its own against him.

Jay El rushed to Tribby's aid, and like a feminine hygiene product advertisement, helped absorb much of her leakage; unlike a feminine hygiene ad, he then sealed the hole from whence the liquid had came.

As a group, they all slew the remaining Trolls.

Jay El looked down at the aborted Father-son picnic, and sighed "is this evil?  Are we doing evil again?" it was getting very difficult for him to tell the difference.

"What?  Pfft, they shot first, dude." Came Ash's reply.

"Oh." Jay El lamented.  "Cool."  Then, after a second "hey, do you think I could raise the corpse of any of these things to serve my dark desires?"

Ash smiled.  "Nah, probably too many hit dice."

Jay El frowned.  "Yeah."

"You could raise it though... make the dire bear undead."

"True..."

"But you couldn't control it."

"...no."

"XP..."

The banter continued for a while on the logistics behind raising enemies simply to kill them, and, in the end, the party continued its journey northward up the mountains, eventually stopping in a rather pleasant (if still frightfully cold) section of rocks, to bunker down for the night.  (or hunker)

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Father Son Picnic.

"PELOR'S NUTS!" Med shrieked as Raelin's face was skewered.

Ash readied himself, spear in hand and looked in the trajectorial direction indicated by the tilt of Raelin's head (back, and to the... right, actually.  Nuts, could have made a JFK joke there.) and saw a very large Dire Bear.

"Hm." Ash grunted.  Bears didn't usually throw spears, but, dire bears were known to be worthy adversaries.

Behind the behemoth was an average sized Troll, with his arm outstretched.

"Hm." Ash grunted, finding the culprit.  Trolls were generally worthy adversaries.  The combo of the two would prove to be an interesting battle.

"Broak borksh dorg!" The Troll's father smiled, patting the boy on the back.

"HM." Ash grunted.  "Heal the elf." he sighed; which was his version of asking for help.

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Yeah, that'll do that.

Raelin paused, and frowned.  The Goblins were clearly expanding.  But to what ends?  And... did he care?

The group continued its walk, each of them postulating upon the Goblins' reasons for expansion.

Raelin felt little love for his fellow countrymen, nor their King.  But...  ultimately, the Elven city was his home; it was not only where he kept all his stuff, but, it was also the most familiar place he'd known in his long life.

He sighed.  "I will send the King word of the Goblins' expansion."

Ash, known to be a man of his word, oddly said nothing as Raelin cast a spell with the details of what the Goblins were up to in magical carrier pigeon form.

"The Goblins are expanding their base of operations using a delver and human slaves." he mentioned.  "It is worth investigating."

The Elf looked down at his feet, almost ashamed of himself.  While true, protecting the Elven city was self serving, he still didn't like the idea of helping out the Elven King voluntarily.  It just didn't... sit right with him.

A javelin skewered his cheeks, distracting him from his inner dialog.

DM's Note:  I really should have docked XP for Ash's breaking of his word, but, oddly, I didn't notice either.

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Math: AAAAH, it's incredible.

Ash repressed his homicidal urges, his sociopathic urges, his psychopathic urges, his violent urges, his urges to jump, and, likely most importantly, his urges to stab.

Ash forced a grin "hey meyn, we'll give you a hunnerd gold to let us go now, yeah?"

The Goblin guards looked at each other and discussed it amongst themselves.

"I don' know man, if dey foun' out dey'd totally keel us both..."
"Ya maeyn, but imagin' wha' we coul' buy witdat!"

Ash cut to the chase, and silently promised his spear he'd stab something later extra hard.  "Look boys, we inna hurry okay?  Hows about two hunnerd gold but you gotta take it or LEAVE IT." he finished, emphasizing that he was holding a large spear and that, perhaps, the bribe was the way to go for the two gentlemen.

"Sheet meyn!  Das' like seventy five gold for each of us eh?"
"Holy co' really meyn?"
The Goblin smiled and looked back at ash with a sly grin "Oh yeah meyn, I'm real good at math."
"Sheet okay meyn, das a good deal."

Ash smiled knowingly at the entrepreneurial Goblin, and handed the one Goblin all 200 coins.  Likely he would split the "seventy five" coins into 17 groups of three for easy counting for his less intelligent counterpart.

"Alrigh' holmes, but remember, we didn' see nothin', but neither did you, comprende?  Dunno how you missed us Goblins, but you did.  Righ?"

Ash smiled.  "Righ' on meyn.  Go spend it all in one place ;-)"

The group continued walking, and noted that the ground itself was shuddering from the renovations.  No doubt the Delvers were hard at work.

Raelin frowned.  "They're making tunnels."

Ash nodded.  "Later, Raelin."

Raelin nodded.  "Can't be good."

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Jump... and... stab?

The group continued its way, doing its best to keep their distance, but not look like they were keeping their distance (eg walk casual).  What met their eyes was actually rather awe inspiring.  It really showed what stupid people in large groups could really accomplish with a little bit of direction.  The stronghold, which had already been impressive, now stood considerably larger than before (and the group had only last seen it less than 5 months ago) and, there were clearly additions on a very large scale being constructed out of wood and stone.  Most of the Goblins appeared hard at work, though, there were still sentries.

"...so I seys to t'human, I seys 'La-hook buh-dee' in der laamo languaage righ?"
"Oh meyn, I lo' it when y'do da acceeent"
"I no rhi?  An I seys, 'I dohn't care how bihg you ahre, I'm still gonna out-duh-rink your sorry ass!' "
"No waaay, you sai' dat mayn?"
"For reals, and then this big ol' Dwarf come up, an' it turs out dey friends, ri?"
"Oh sheet, you can't ou'drink a Dwarf hombre!"
"Dat's wh'you tink, doh!  Das when da storee gess better..."
"Oh sheet meyn, der's some ungoblins comin'!"

"Uh oh..." they collectively uh oh-ed, as the two Goblin sentries, who were riding upon some rather large wolves, approached in a rather aggressive manner.

"Heeeey guuys!" Ash smiled, practicing his Goblin, and making a nice warm gesture.

"Heeey, iss da Kobold-killahs eh?" came the reply of the Goblin sentries.

"Yeeeh meyn, we's jus' headin' through yeah?"

"Awww man, why don' you com' 'ang outwichus a while eh?"

"Naaaw, dudes, we gotta keep on mooovin'"

The Goblins looked at each other and sighed.

"No man.  We insist." they said.  "We gotta detain you fo' a while."

"Wha?  Why meyn?"

"Sorree, we're on high alert, we's got orders to detain jus' about everyone."

The group paused and looked at their apparent new figurehead for a solution.

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Like wrestling a pin-pricked water balloon...

With catlike reflexes, Ash dove upon Manbearpig and held his squirming, peeing body to the ground.  "Shhh!" he shushed.

While their cacophony of terrified screams would be contained by Raelin's crafty illusion, they still might distract Raelin himself, from creating that very illusion.  Ash glanced to the side.  Tribby and Gluestick were thankfully running deeper into the forest, but, soon they would be out of range of the illusion... he glanced back at the skeleton (silently wondering what everyone was so afraid of in the first place) and wondered how well the well organized but still quite loud group would be able to hear something like an Ogre crashing through a forest a hundred feet away...

The Hobgoblin with a few more identifying ranks upon his uniform reported to the huge skeleton.  "Sir!" he yelled in Goblin (which Ash spoke), "We appear to have lost the trail, sir!"

"FAN OUT!" the huge behemoth screamed.  "FIND THE HALFLINGS!  I... I MEAN, THE SCROLL!"

The group of goblins and hobgoblins exploded in an exploratory asterix, some of which would intersect Raelin's illusion shortly.

However, Raelin, ever crafty, decided to abort his current illusion, as, it would remain for a long enough period of time for him to create a second, even craftier illusion.

At the end of the pathway, south of where they were currently, the fiery hummingbird flew past the path, and a group of familiar looking Gnolls chased after it into the forest.

"GREAAAAGGH!" screamed the angry skeleton, ripping the skull from the reporting officer, pointing in the direction of the illusion "FIND THEM!  FIIIIND THEEEEM!"

Raelin smiled.  Trickery seemed to come quite naturally to him.  Perhaps illusion might be something he would develop later...  He closed his eyes, and fortified his first illusion as the group continued on chasing his Gnolls in the direction of the Ogres.

"Maybe they'll all kill each other" he laughed to himself.

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