Apr 16, 2010

A Shwartzki like a coat hanger

Rhapsody, having not done well in her attempts to steal candy from the senile and remembering that she was remotely good, decided to be altruistic and shoot the undead with her magic missile. She succeeded in shooting it in the butt, or, at least, in the hip bone area.

The old Wizard found the spell he was looking for in one of his books and remarked "ah yes, right. that old diddy." and quickly cast a spell to retake control of his undead. "Gary, Allen, that's quite enough. Off you get, back to your posts. There's a good undead." he then turned the page and continued "ah yes, this'll help" and cast a quick silence spell upon the immobilized former-trouble-maker-who-was-formerly-charming-but-now-pretty-much-everyone-agreed-was-a-bad-guy.


Ash decided that the local tavern was perhaps not the best place to find his ultimate nemesis, and decided to browse the fruit stands in the local marketplace. "Fucking avocados better not look at me the wrong way..." he mumbled to himself.


"So!" Gustoff prompted "This your friend, then?"

"Yes, that's him."

"Heh, hm.... you know he's bat-shit evil, right?"

"Yes. He was cursed."

"Ah, unlucky and evil now, is he?"

"No, I mean, he was cursed into being evil."

"ooooooh, so its one of those not-evil-just-mostly-evil type situations."

"Kind of, I mean, he wasn't evil before getting cursed."

"Good, was he?"

"Oh yeah, really good even."


"Yeah, he was stabbed with a cursed knife, which I have."

"Do you! Well, good info to have. Alrighty, gimmie the cuh-niff."


"Knife. The knife. Give me the cursed knife. Oy. Druids."

"You're Irish."

"Irish people can't say oy?"

"No, I mean, well, here's the knife, anyway."

"uh huh. Yep. Not cursed. Regular knife. Sorry bucko. Looks like your friend's just evil for the chicks and the booze."

"No! No, he must have been cursed. Look, he had all kinds of good things in his life, a wife, a daughter..."

"Didn't EAT them, did he?"

"What? No!"

"Good. That's bad."


"Alright, let's look at him a little closer and do some mumbo."



"W... okay."

"Druids. Alrighty, alacazamie, alacazortski, show me what's needed to unbend your shwartzki!"

"His Shwartzki is bent?"

"No, but its one of the more common reasons for people turning evi... ah! Here we are. Iiiinteresting. He has a large pink gem of an unknown type embedded in his body which is the only thing that prevented this incredibly powerful demon from killing and rising up from your friend's body." He remarked, as Jay El's chest ripped open to reveal the gem now protruding from his sternum.

"Wow, that must hurt."

"Heh. Yep."

"That there must be some kinda gem."

"Yes, a gem like that is a true rarity, in fact, I'd go as far as to say boarder-line unique."

"I have one around my neck."

"Well now. That IS a coincidence. I mean, what are the odds?"

"Pretty small, I'd say."

"Almost as if fate had put you two together eh? Well, let's put that there gem into his chest aaaaaand... well look at that, he's good again! And, looks like the crazy from the fever has dissipated too."

"Well, that was uncomfortable in an excruciatingly painful kind of way." Jay El remarked, dusting himself off and collapsing in the pain that is remorse and the pain that is pain. "Sorry about trying to kill you and all. I hope we didn't cause too much damage."

Everyone smiled and almost hugged. Everyone looked awkwardly at the girl standing in the doorway, who yelled at them that she was changing her name to Tribby. A man in the background walked by making "coo coo" noises, while another walked by singing that he'd never ever ever ever ever make a song about Tribby. But he was a cruel bard, of whom we would likely never see again.

"Okay... great." They all kind of shrugged. "So anyway, you're cursed with this demon thing, but these incredibly powerful unknown gems that we were talking about are..."

"Do you guys wanna hang out?" The newly named Tribby prompted.

"Uh... yeah. Sure." They replied, after wondering to themselves what the legal age was in Roe. "Listen, this is all really fascinating and everything Guss, but, I think we're gonna take off."

"Oh. Al... Alright then. Well, let me know if you ever want to have my free services and trash my magic shop again."

"Yeah, will do. Thanks again."

"Okay. Because not just anyone could have..."

They slammed the door and went off with the hot possibly barely-legal chick.

"I have my own bedroll!" She piped up.

"Uh huh." They all answered, clearly very interested.

"Hey!" A scary looking fellow with avocado all over his greatspear barked at the travellers.

"Uh..." they replied.

"I can hit things really, really well. Wanna hang out?"

"Uh..." they replied.

"Great. I charge one gold a day."

"See, the thing is, we're kind of... not... ummm..."

"Okay, howzabout this, we split the treasure we find 50/50."

"Well... would that... like... include emotional trauma, or... just like... money and stuff..."

"Let's just see how things go, mkay?"

"Uh... yeah. Alright. Let's go sleep together. I mean, not together-together, but, let's go to a hotel room and, sleep. I don't mean sleep... well, I do. I mean, I actually mean sleep, not like sleep-sleep, y'know, like coffee being sex, not like that, there's no sex. Well, not with you... We're all fairly ungay, I think. We don't really know. I think this young lady mentioned she had her own bedroll. But, we'd use the hotel's... tonight. This time..."

"I have charisma 10. Shut the hell up."

"Okidoki, so, to the hotel then."

Gluestick neighed in agreement. Everyone flipped out, having completely forgotten about the horse.

"...and yeah, curse is now lifted, thanks to these cool gems of immense power! I mean, I'd give pretty much anything for one of these puppies. They're like, amazing and the secret to everything and clearly important. But I've been talking for a while now. Let's move the circle over." Jay El finished.

"I'm Manbearpig. I like trees."

"Wait" Raptor-tribble, er, Rhapsody/Tribby prompted, "Your name is MANBEARPIG? Seriously?"

"..." He replied, with the utmost of presence and certainty.

"So... yeah. Those gems would be reeeally cool if we were to find one..." Jay El continued "...I mean, the implied value of these gems alone, heck, they seem pretty important and all..."

"Yeah, well, goodnight." Ash replied, tucking away his gem and going to bed. "PS, my motivation is to kill things for honor."

"Yeah well, goodnight." Tribby replied, tucking away her gem and going to bed. "PS I got kicked out of my hometown for burning things."

Jay El looked at Manbearpig. Manbearpig looked back. "What? Don't look at me, I already gave you mine."
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

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