Manbearpig - The legacy

Manbearpig, named by the ancient order of druids, has always been at conflict with himself.  Having the loyalty of the man, the power of the bear, and the life outlook of the pig.

...or was it the other way around?

Anyhoo, as his druidic powers increased through well practiced social ostracism and strategic twig placement, Manbearpig's social relations began to wane.

Nobody really enjoyed his stories of twigs, nor particularly cared for his classes on twig placement.

Soon, Manbearpig lacked even the basic funds required to stay within the city limits, and gradually he moved from alleyways to tents to the forest.  There, he found he rather enjoyed living in the woodlands, eating the passing deer (much to the deer's chagrin, granted) and living at one with nature.  "Its all about balance" he was fond of telling the pine cones.

Every now and then, Jay El, his childhood companion would visit him in the forest, and they would make sweet, sweet lovely pies out of the bountiful forest's wares.  Their tender hands caressing the dough as their lips and tongues touched the berries to ensure they were the right sweetness...
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Ash - His story thus far

Ash hasn't always been a spear wielding, flea-jumping (that is, he jumps like a flea, not he jumps over fleas... although, I mean, he COULD jump over a flea, its just not what I was... anyway) semi-sociopathic Dragoon.

There was a brief gestation period that took place first, in his mother's womb; and then the one year it took him to pick up a spear and stand up.

After that... its pretty much been jump and poke, jump and poke, jump and miss, swear, poke, jump and poke.

This theme seemed to follow him through most of his adolescent years, and beyond.  "Ashley (his full name) could do so much better in math if only he'd put down that spear, pick up a pencil, NOT jump across the room and stab his classmates with it, and answer his word problems with "jump at it, and stab it with something akin to a spear""

Later on, he was voted most likely to stab something with a spear (optionally after jumping at it first)

And, eventually, he chose the path of the Dragoon.  Which, consisted primarily of jumping at things and stabbing them with your spear.  Which seemed like a good move.

Go with your passions, I always say.
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Rhapsody / Tribby - Her story thus far

The chronicle is up to date (ie we haven't played yet and I have nothing left to write) sooOoo, I thought I'd do a few player retrospectives.

________________Tribby
Let us take a moment to look at this character in depth.

Tribby wasn't always a six hundred pound barbarian ogre who smelled of rotting cabbage and poo.

Indeed, there was a time, not long ago, where she was a 16 year old half elf girl named Rhapsody, in a village to the west.

She was happy, playing with her friends, while, as adolescence was fading... new urges were arising.

She found herself looking at boys differently, constantly using the word "Like" and spontaneously lighting things on fire with her mind.

It was a difficult time for anyone of that age, but, due to her somewhat socially awkward half-elf nature, and her arising sorceress abilities causing property damage... it wasn't long before the hicks of the town decided that it was time for her to leave.

As she was forcefully encouraged to pursue other choices in regards to her living quarters, she began her journey to the East.

Though sadly, as her grasp upon her powers was slight, the story remained the same for over a year.  A burned down bakery here, a third degree burn to a date there, and she was on the move yet again.

Eventually, she found her way to Roe.  It was a modern city and, she hoped that perhaps some of the local wizards could rid her of her powers, or at least show her how to control them.  Better still, perhaps they could put her into a more socially acceptable body entirely!

The thought of not being trapped in her half-elf body any more, and completely powerless filled her with joy and wonder.  She'd be able to return home!

An old woman passed by.  "I could totally steal from her!" she thought to herself.

It was around there, that her backstory faded away to make room for the present.  She would change her name to Tribby, hook up with an adventuring group, slaughter some innocents, atone, and master her powers.

(Possibly in the body of a 600lbs ogre; but that was just a general plan.  Specifics were to come.)
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How are you calculating XP?

XP SPREADSHEET (current character levels etc)

Due to some of the unorthadox XP awards, I thought I'd extrapolate a little.

The following, are some of the methods I've been using.

Experience is calculated via:

Alignment

- Doing things contrary to your alignment (ie breaking the law, or being unethical) would be negative bonus/penalties for a lawful good character.

0 Just walking around and being somewhat lawful good etc would be a 0 bonus. ie you don't really make any decisions one way or the other,
but didn't do anything "wrong" -- the proverbial "how are you doing" answer of "not bad". Non-commital alignment or "follow the crowd" type play.
+ Doing things within the alignment, even when they are difficult choices, or against the party's decisions etc.
"Its easier to just kill the children, but, gosh darn it, that would be kind of evil, now wouldn't it."

Roleplaying

- Doing things that fit the player's personality, not the character's. A tacturn homicidal maniac doesn't joivially save someone from drowning just
because they're important to the plot or a player character etc. Also, taking player-knowledge and giving it to the character. "Yeah, I know
they have this item because I read their character sheet earlier, so..." or, saving that drowning character due to player-knowledge and making a transparent excuse.
0 Didn't really do much, followed the crowd, killed stuff when appropriate etc. Think "Diablo" vs "DND"
+ Had realistic emotional reactions to events. Your sister was skinned alive in front of you. You didn't search her body for treasure, or attempt to seduce
someone on top of the corpse. In fact, you're a little upset about it, and aren't acting at all rationally. Those undead were scary, maybe you panic a little.
Taking the character's thoughts and emotions into consideration when taking actions. Just because there's a sword of ultimate
power in front of you doesn't mean you pick it up. Would you be delirious or in shock from a situation? Would your character attack another PC if they weren't a PC?
would they fear that much power would corrupt them?

Overcoming Challenges (Killing Stuff, disabling stuff, sneaking around stuff, and other desired outcomes)

Nuff said? If you die or are removed from combat you'll recieve less experience for an encounter, but you'll still be in the positive.
Dying from poor decisions is a much greater penalty than dying from poor dice rolling. (Shitty dice happen)

Quests

Similar to above, but more plotvelopmental. ie a fairly specific DM-assigned quest would be "Protect the queen". She lives throughout the campaign and
makes it to the sanctuary, you get mo' exp. She dies, you get mo' penalty. Quests sometimes become a shoot-from-the-hip situation, where an actual
quest-completion becomes impossible, and the character must find the best possible solution. "Okay, I can't extinguish the flames of ergamore... which is
really really important... maybe I can grab some flame-retardant thiniges and..." -- Think outcome over syntax. It doesn't matter if you actually extinguish
the flames if the things that you're protecting from getting burnt don't get burnt, right? The reason the queen had to stay alive was not just because she
was nice, but, because she was the only one who knew how to cast the right shield spell against the evil wizard of foopie. So, what if we take out the evil
wizard of foopie before he can cast the ultimate zap?

"extras"

Sometimes people do things that are just bad-ass, unexpected, cool, creative etc that deserve an extra tip o' the hat.
Realising that if you donn some spiked armor, and through a collection of well timed spells, some gunpowder and a catapult,
you become a firey spikey cannon ball of ultimate death is creative, cool, and couragous, and makes for a great story down the road.

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Mind if we loofa you a bit?

The party continued to discuss the artform of skin cell collection.


"Well, we could... put down drop cloths under where they sleep..."

"No, that wouldn't work... what if we just shook 'em a whole bunch?"

"Nah, that'd be somewhat... violent..."

"We could... ummm..."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"And didn't Gustoff want fairies, not dust?"

"Right, he wanted a steady supply of dust."

"Hm.  Okay, what if we set up a supply route?"

"Through the forest?"

"Yeah, kind of a trek.  Not to mention the inherent dangers..."

"What if we got the rats to do it?"

"Doubtful.  And even then, how would they collect it?"

"Right.  Back to square one."

"So we need some way of getting the fairies back to the town."

"But they don't want to go...  do they?"

"Hey, would you want to come back to the village with us?"

The fairy blinked at the absurd question, looked around to make sure that it was, in fact, paradise in every direction, then laughed with a very Miss Swan "hehe, a...no...  no.  Thank yous tho."

The party discussed some more.  How were they going to get the fairies out of the city?

"Would we be able to hire you guys to act as our bodyguards, back to town?"

Again, the fairies had a hard time understanding.  It seemed as though they didn't really do anything that wasn't inherently fun, or amusing.  They had no concept of profit, or even posessions, which was obvious in there generous gifts and selfless ressurecting of the dead party member.

"no thank yous" they replied, heading back to their game of flying up and down while spinning and attempting to keep eye contact with each other.

These fairies weren't going anywhere.  And it was against the ethics of the party to simply abuse their kindness and force them, let alone put them into slavery/prisons.

The party looked at each other for suggestions.
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We can has fairy dust?

"So..." Jay El prompted to one of the more papa-smurf-ish Fairies, "what do you guys think about fairy dust?"

The Fairy blinked at Jay for a moment, and finally, failing to register, replied with a simple "What's that?"

Jay paused.  Hm.  Hadn't thought of that.  "Alright, uh, its like, this stuff" He said, running his hand against a nearbye surface.

Shitanya and Ash both used small, loud words to illustrate their points "can we has fairy dust?" 

The Fairy blinked for a moment longer, shrugged and replied "sure, you can has." he smiled and, seeing that the conversation was fairly over, flew away to look at something shiny.

"But...  how do we collect the dust?" Came the party's combined exclamation.
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Well I'll be an Ogre's aunt, ain't you the spittin' image of Shitface.

The party made their way to the fairy village, where they were showered with the attention normally reserved for rock stars.

Perhaps it was their stature, perhaps it was the goblin blood, perhaps it was simply that they were unknown or weren't fairies.

Whatever the case, the children fairies especially adored the group, and even tolerated Shitanya and Ash.  And, once Shitanya disposed of the rotting meat, and cleaned herself of many a fecal deposit, she too was embraced amongst the tribe.

If one imagined the Ewoks as tiny bugs with wings, and the ability to form basic sentance structure, one would have a fairly accurate description of the celebration and welcoming that the party enjoyed.

Over the next few days, they showered the party in gifts, based on their favorite colors.  As the fairies tended towards liking shiny things, much of their gifts involved gems to those they liked, and pearls to those they tolerated.

(GREEN emerald necklace Emerald bracelet (1300g) for Jay El, (BLACK black pearl bracelet (500g)) for Ash, flowers for Manbearpig, a bath and perfumes (5g) for Shitanya and a new body (Free rather expensive spell) for Tribby)

"THANK YOU!" came the polite thanks from the huge, smelly ogre which had formerly been Tribby.  The fairies laughed their asses off at her new form.

Tribby looked down at her 10' 600lbs frame and smiled.  "COOL" she whispered to herself.  "I'M AN OGRE."
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Jay El's first taste of power

"Are you good biggies, or bad biggies?" Came the Fairy's reply.

"Hm...  Good biggies." Manbearpig replied.

The fairy narrowed his clearly discerning eyes at the pigmanbear.  He'd been killing goblins... which sometimes hurt the Fairies... but then, Goblins sometimes hurt the Kobolds, who hurt the fairies, which made them less bad, but then still not friends, and then there was the Kobolds who sometimes hurt the Goblins who sometimes hurt the fairies...

"We're nice." He extrapolated.  Thankful that their kobold companion had fled during the fight - as it miiiight have been awkward having him with them.

"Okies, we'll help." The Fairy decided.  And, with that, it went off with its pals and sang a merry tune.

Carnage spewed all around as goblinic death ran rampant throughout the area.  Even Shitanya was at a loss for swearing, and simply lost herself to the never ending chaotic clawing carnage.  (although she did briefly decide to attempt to eat one of the Fairies, but, thankfully, nobody heard her over all the cuffufal)

[boy I miss my spell checker... who removes functionality in a blog so crucial as a spell checker?]

Just when it appeared that the fairies might simply be singing for fun, the Goblins all fell asleep in a large cone of sleepytime.

The fairies then flew to another section of Goblin, and began humming at them.

Carnage carnage carnage, and the party began making their way to the slumbering section of goblins, dragging the holey Tribby with them.

After the second patch of goblins succumed to their collective sleep spell, the smarter of the three fairies again approached Manbearpig.

"Timey we go, now, yes?" the fairy attempted.

Jay El trundled up, covered in the blood of the unlucky.  "hey, I'm AWESOME!" he said, convincingly.

"You are a gooood biggie!" Came the fairy's response; then, upon seeing Ash, asked him the same question of being a good biggie or a bad biggie.

"I fucking love killing shit!" came his reply.

The fairy did its best not to judge, and assumed that, if he was hanging out with someone as awesome as Jay El, he couldn't be all bad.

Jay El convinced the pretty little thing that they just need to pillage the dead before they left for their peaceful village.  (which pretty much used up the last of his entropic magesty) and, the party collected 53 morning stars, 15 leather armors (the majority of the damage that had been done that day was so extensive that, the majority of armors were decimated beyond recognition), 8 shields (for the same reasons) and 20 gold, 100 silver, and 749 copper pieces.

They then headed for the village of the fairies.
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Ants, Allegories, Alligators & Ass whuppin'

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Session 4: Well crap. Someone relocated the DM's map & plotline thread. Looks like we're wingin' it!

Session 4: Well crap. Someone relocated the DM's map & plotline thread. Looks like we're wingin' it!


Abatu visits Jay El in his sleep

Abatu: "my domain is that of entropy, and I am an eternal observer of that which is good and decent in this world.

You should know that It is through my efforts that you are alive and well at all.

Though currently, due to the entropic manipulation this has required in order to coincidently get all of you together in the same place at the same time with the somewhat improbable items that were in your posession, I am something of an impotent gardian angel, for the moment.

Gazing upon the strong love you have for your daughter is as rejuvinating for me as water is for you, and, it is my hope that I will be able to help you again soon, sustained by nothing else.

It is very important to me to keep both you, and your daughter alive and well.

You have entwined destinys, and a great potential for great goodness.

Trust your companions, for they will both keep you safe, and be a moral compass for you in the upcoming darkness that you will need all of our help to overcome.

You must awaken. They mean you harm. I wish we had more time.

I have dire news for you. Though I cannot say which, a companion of yours will be taken this night. They will be tortured, and mentally scarred to a point that they will be mentally unrecognizable to you. In my current state, I am unable to help you, weak as I am.


I wish you luck, though this is merely a useless parting statement rather than the actual blessing I would normally be able to provide."

Jay El pleads with Abatu and seeks some way to solve this crisis. To which... there is but one.

To perminantly sacrifice a loving memory of his daughter, forever. The refined essence of this memory being far more potent than any single observation.


"...I'll do it." Came Jay El's anguished reply, as the memory was painlessly ripped from him. He simply never had this experience. As a result, his soul was just a titch darker, his life, a little less meaningful, and his character, slightly more tarnished from his life's hazards.

Abatu glowed, drinking in the refined happiness & joy... and then, Jay El is awakened by the sounds of some rather upset Goblins.
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Episode 3: Wasn't she a monk? Look! A funny-talking Kobold!

Through external suggestion, Shitanya morphs from a Lawful Neutral Monk into a Chaotic Good Barbarian, and receives 185 extra xp as a result. While her dismembering is MORE heinous and ergo greater penalized than before, her role-playing is rich with steamy texture, and nobody really expects a chaotic barbarian to accomplish the delivery of a MESSAGE OF IMPENDING DOOM (and thus, is penalized lessly for forgetting entirely)

Cue the Zelda music, aaaaaand, we're off:

Our heroes, having made their ethical discussion about who to steal from, kill, or betray, ultimately persuade the increasingly Scottish Gustoff to give them a barter-quest, in which they will provide 8-ish fairies for 8-ish moonstones so that they can pay Skuzz his agreed upon 8-20 moonstones in exchange for the shard. Through casual conversation, they also learned that Skuzz used to be Gustoff's pet, many moons ago (pun!)

Though, thanks to Ash's pointings-outings, not entirely sold on the ethics of slavery, they're still on their way to collect some fairies, accompanied by the clearly trustworthy Kobold, Bliznark; they headed North.

The party, after significant amounts of debates, decided on paying Bliznark his 2 gold up front, and allowed him to eat all the fairies he wanted, after the others captured all that they needed on their quest, with the basic plan of thwacking him on the head to avoid any bloodshed (at least until after they left)

After some trekking of an unknown amount due to a real-world-dm-map-relocation to an unknown origin, the party encountered some teenie weenie spiders in a gargantuan web. Shitanya ran up and axed the hell out of one of the lil' fellers, and Ash jumped into one and splattered it, though as a result of his momentum, launched himself thoroughly into an entangled mess. "Ah. Webs." He mused. Manbearpig shot Shitanya in the bum. "Sorry!" He quipped. "your butt is big!" he replied, in a socially awkward attempt at an apology. Ash freed himself, and Tribby asploded one of the spiders with her missile of the magic variety.

In short, the party utterly decimated the lil' buggers, only to realise that the wee ones were simply faster than the larger, and that there were bigger, and bigger spiders a'comin'. Soon, the party was attacked en mass by spiders of increasingly gargantuan sizes and hitpoints.

The battle waged on, with a bashing, a slashing, a piercing and a zapping, while Ash struggled to break his bonds.

Once free, Ash, decided on a life changing decision, and launched at an enemy, spear first.

Tribby helped Ash, by burning him.

Ash got grappled to the ground by one of the larger spiders, fought free, got grappled to the ground again, got a lil' poisoned, and then Shitanya smashed him in the face with her axe.

It was the fight of friendly fire, it seemed, and Ash was the majority target. Ash finally succumbed to the poisons, and the "help" from his companions, though was quickly healed before too much damage could be done, and he quickly resumed the fighting and severe poking with his spear.

The fight concluded with Jay El telling the spider to roll over and the group gangbeating it to death (without hitting each other even once!).

The party decided to search the webs, found 2 sleep arrows (MBP), enlarge person potion (Ash), 3 identify scrolls (Tribby) and a bag of holding (party, though lent to Jay El - weighs 15lbs, holds 250lbs, 30 cubic feet). As an afterthought, the party decided to remove the poison sacks themselves, from the creatures, and sell those later (3x tiny [DC 10, 1d2 str], 1x small [dc10, 1d3 str], 2x medium [dc12 1d4 str], and 2x large [dc13, 1d6 str]. While some poison did splash on the volunteers, none were affected.

They then chose to leave the huge spiderweb and heal before camping, and then even took watch so as to avoid any nasty surprises.

In the morning, refreshed, they were off. After heeding the warnings of Bliznark (read: attacking the threat anyway, but at least being aware of it, so, he earned his 2g I suppose) the party decided on Jay El's use of summon bai... monster, to lure the killer weed out of hiding, which it did.

The party then launched into a flurry of poor roles, but, eventually, Manbearpig slew the creature in a mighty gust of fire and screaming. Shitanya decided to scale the trees and explore, and found a large stockpile (23) of broken swords and misc armor scraps, and a +1 shield of blinding (Jay El), water breathing potion (MBP), and even a chest of 2300gp; which was the cause of much internal debate and even the budding future romance (or at least alliance of greed) between the ever crafty Tribby and Shitanya.

A spear-wounded boar trundled up, and was immediately speared mightily by Ash, who was then mesmerized by the spear's beauty. Unbenownst to the party, the Boar would later be reincarnated as a stalwart woman who, upon becoming a cleaning woman, would suddenly re-live her past and snort in terror upon seeing her mop's wooden handle. She would discount it as an odd deja vu moment, and continue, but, would never eat bacon, again.

Tribby too, decided to cast detect plot device upon the spear, and also examined it closely. Jay El, in a burst of genius, decided to look around to find the owner of the first spear, knowing full well the owner of the second, but, failed utterly. The thought, it seemed, was what counted, as this inspired Shitanya to look, and, being less blind, see, a Hyena running at her at top speed.

The party decimated said animal in mere moments, and, after hearing some ominous rustling, decided to hide on the would-be attackers. Jay El decided to hide behind a tree, but, on the wrong side. (I love natural 1 rolls)

4 Gnolls and another hyena approached their dead companion, and, the hyena smelled Shitanya (who didn't?) and alerted the Gnolls.

Tribby launched a blazing inferno in an arc of blazing... inferno. The gnolls howled in pain, and shot the everlovin' out of her. "Goooot... yooOoou" she moaned, as her liquified form fell to the ground.

Everyone else missed a lot.

Jay El ran over and healed up the arrow-riddled Tribby to the point of not-a-liquid.

Everyone missed a lot.

Jay El healed Tribby to the point of consciousness.

Everyone missed a lot, and Ash twisted his ankle.

Tribby, fully a solid once more, opened fire once again, and Manbearpig downed a Gnoll with a non-Shitanya-shooting shot from his bow. Everyone missed some more and the Gnolls decided to take off and were slaughtered legolas style by Manbearpig's mighty bow, and annoying-facebook-friend-style by Ash's poking; leaving their angry, confused, and inept Hyena who continued to try to attack Shitanya.

At this point, unbenownst to her peeing player, Shitanya suddenly had success, and killed the hyena, after taking some heavy damage herself. The party decided to scout the area for more Gnolls, found none, searched their bodies and found 4xbattle axes, 3 shortbows, 2 spears, a spiked gauntlet, a throwing axe, a sling, 50 stones and 30 arrows; decided to use up their heal spells, and settle down for some rest.

However, before any significant rest could be had...

Experience
Ash 4230
JL 4220
Tribby 4220
Shitanya 4210
Manbearpig 4200
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Shitanya Dumpalina, The Lawful Monk destined to become a chaotic barbarian...

Jay El's compass leads them to the garbage dump, where they meet Shitface, the rather fecally obsessed Ogre guard.

Shitanya puts aside her Monkish dignity and earns her name, and does her part in bribing Shitface... by shitting on his face. What was truly remarkable about this bartering offer, was that Shitface had never introduced himself, nor explained his rather socially awkward desires. Somehow, she had just... known. (or, possibly, her player had been suffering from tourretes, and the DM simply capitalized on it)

And, while it wasn't very Monk-ish to offer to shit in someone's mouth, one couldn't argue with the results.

Granted, Ash did his part too, though for him, the single gold piece seemed trivial in comparison to the facial defecation that Shitanya had so generously offered.

The party cast a whisper spell on each other, went in, did a bunch of rolls to talk to the rat, and got a rather surprising "What the fuck you want?" common-tongued reply.

Skuzz endeared himself to the party, though took a distinct dislike to Shitanya, (likely due to her repeated somewhat un-monk-ish offerings of simply eating the rodent) and had her wait outside, much to Shitface's delight.

"Put a leash on yer fuckin' dawg" became Skuzz's catchphrase for the night, as he bartered with the group.

Tribby and Jay El combined into a reasonably believable good cop, while Ash played himself. The group eventually negotiated a few different trades, and ended up discovering that Skuzz actually knew a fair bit about the upcoming apocalypse, and was a fairly shrewd negotiator. Shitanya learned that Shitface knew a LOT about feces, and the different variants thereof; which, given the whisper spell's workings, made for some interesting expository dialogue.

Eventually, the party, after using Tribby's familiar as a diversion and having a brief still-surrounded-by-rats-that-are-only-a-few-feet-away "secret" discussion on weather or not to kill, steal or otherwise backstab the rats, decided it would be best to go talk to Gustoff about the 8-20 moonrocks that Skuzz had ever so politely and loquaciously requested in exchange for The Crystal.

Experience
Shitanya: 15
Manbearpig: 600
Ash: 615
Tribby: 870
Jay El: 1200
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And lo' there was plot

Suddenly, PLOT erupted from Jay El's chest in the form of a pink Hologram, slightly adjusted to each player for ease of understanding.

Jay El: You see a goddess, adorned in the robes of your good god to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.
Ash: You see a goddess, adorned in the ceremonial armor of your ancestors to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.
Tribby: You see a half elf goddess, to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.
Manbearpig: You see a goddess, clothed in the trappings of the wild, to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.

Shitanya: You see a woman.

Harken to my words and know that they are the truth. Yours need not be a story of woe and dispair, but a great evil IS rising.

Ash: Of course you know, evil is just another word for challenge. For glory, for those of us who are strong enough to seize it.

Jay El: I know that you have your own evils inside you... And I also know as to how they can be beaten!

Tribby: Greater than any personal pain you are going through my child. Though I know it seems impossible, your trials with your home will seem trivial in comparison to the challenges that lay ahead. Know this, though, your home will hear of your accomplishments, and they will feel both shamed to have treated you poorly, and gratitude for your forgiveness should you provide it.

Manbearpig: Both in the world, and, from within your friend.

Sadly, the holy order charged with the protection of the device to be used to banish this evil, has failed in their task.


Ash: A true hero who is up to the challenge is required

Tribby: Clearly men were not the right choice to entrust with such power.

Manbearpig: Just as, without your help, your friend will fail in his battle against his own evil.
A man-made abomination of a creature, part Terrask, part undead, part golumn was forged one billion years ago. Its destruction proved impossible.

Jay El: I know this seems like it is too big for you, now. But know that you will grow to be a being of immense power in your search to rid yourself of your curse.

Manbearpig: Such a creature would upset the balance of nature itself.

Ash: At least... for them. Of course, we both know that impossible is a word for the weak or short sighted. I know of a way it can be destroyed, and could guide you to such a victory...

Through the collective efforts of the council of seven and thousands of their disciples, they found a way to temporarily banish the creature.


Ash: A coward's victory, and only a temporary one at that. What is needed, is a warrior who will rise to the task of this creature's destruction. With the weapons we will provide you, you could accomplish such a task. And the spoils of war would be yours to keep...

The council forged a device which required tremendous amounts of magical and physical energy... as well as the lives of its creators.
The device was deemed too powerful to be left in the hands of any one person. Its power could be used for just about anything. From the granting of wishes, to the removal of curses, to the accumulation of wealth, power, and fame.


Jay El: We could return you to your daughter, curse free. As well as provide protection for you and your family from anything like this ever happening again, with enough wealth to make all this tragedy a distant memory
Ash: Though we both know that all this would be nothing compared to what you would have achieved in the abomination's destruction.
Manbearpig: Of course those things would simply be bonuses to knowing that you'd returned the balance of nature, and the continuing prosperity of your world.
and thus it was entrusted to an ancient order of monks and clerics to protect the individual items in preparation for the abomination's return.

Sadly, as I mentioned, they were not up to the task.

Ash: They lacked the training, the discipline, and the drive of a true Dragoon. But most importantly, they lacked your courage, your bravery, and your heart.
Manbearpig They lacked an understanding of nature's ways, that few posses
Tribby: They lacked an intuition that only half of our population seem to posses (smiles)
Jay El: But where they fell, you shall rise. You have a great destiny before you.

Unfortunately, as a result of their failure, the greed of man has taken many of these artifacts and used them for their own ends.

Manbearpig: Just as they rape the forests to make their cities with no thought of the future, so too do they rape the magics to amass their petty golds and silvers while dooming us all.

The tremendous amount of energy stored within them has been corrupted and as a result, the artifacts themselves are in danger of being not fully charged at a time where they will be shortly needed.

I promise to you that if you right these wrongs, collect these artifacts, and assemble the device so that we might banish the abomination

Jay El: your curse will be lifted.
Ash: You will have your glory
Tribby: You will find your destiny, your purpose, your power.
Manbearpig: Your friend will be saved, and nature's balance restored.
Shitanya: Stuff that's cool will happen

What say you?

Jay El: Will you make an effort to save your family, save the world, and save yourself?
Ash: Are you up to the task?
Tribby: Will you embrace your greatness?
Manbearpig: Will you save your world and your friendship?
Shitanya: Will you join this cause?

They all say yes, and decidedly less rapey plot is decided!
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We're really, really good - honest!

Meanwhile... back at the jovial post-genocidal campfire, our group of lawful or at least good characters all sleep the sleep of the guiltless, dreaming of gum drops, rainbows, and the killing of innocents, only interrupted occasionally due to Gluestick's friggin' botched listening check. "IZZATANORC? IzzzzzATanORC?" all friggen night.

Finally, when it WAS an Orc (or 4, in this case), the Horse was busy elsewhere.

It was at this point, that something akin to the nocturnal emissions Spiderman may have undergone during his pubescent years, occurred.

Everyone woke up, covered in a very sticky substance. Orcs thwacked Tribby on the head with a club, and dragged her off.

Jay El, magically able to move, or perhaps simply well practiced at waking up in the middle of the night covered in a sticky substance, attempted to free himself with a well practiced knifing. Didn't work. He somehow ran over to Ash, stole his Falshion, and again sliced at his goo. Didn't quiiite work. Ash headbutted one orc and liquefied him. Everyone ooooh-ed, but nobody aaahh-ed. Though the Ork did spluraaaaftch.

Manbearpig courageously and perfectly burst free from his sticky and icky prison, while Gluestick acted as an ineffective buffer against an ineffective Orc as they both girl-fighted at each other wildly.

Eventually, all the Orcs but one were vanquished, but alas, not before Tribby could be carted away and her abductor could light a smokestick, making tracking her through the thick forest somewhat difficult.

Manbearpig used the magical equivilant of nitros and launched Gluestick into the thick forest blind. Needless to say, they promptly ran into a tree.


~~~~

Tribby regains consciousness. She appears to be tied up, naked, and in the presence of a rather large, rather angry, rather... large, Orc. "At least he's royalty" Tribby rationalized, noticing his necklace bounce off his chest as he raped the bejeezus out of her.

Shitanya, having been riding all day and night is arriving at the Orc village around dawn.

The village is still smoking, though the fire is out, and it appears to be guarded primarily by the male children (aged between 4 and 12) who aren't sure weather or not to give her passage or not, but that's primarily because she hasn't given them a reason to. Putting aside her passion for law and order, Shitanya decided that the direct approach is best and shoved the guard out of the way, who promptly shot her in the chest (natural 20, btw - go kid!), causing her to rethink her strategy.

"Oh! Right. Yeah, there's all kinds of horrible things happening that I don't remember exactly and plague and pestilence and I wet the bed when I was young and... oh yeah, I have a message from somewhere." She explained, pulling the arrow out of her chest and wrapping said message in the bloody bolt and returning it to its owner.

The tiny guard squinted at her. A crazy rambling forgetful half dragon monk lady being his first kill would be pretty bad ass, and that previous shot had been awesome... Having said that, the now-partially-obscured-by-blood message looked like it had been important at one point.

... The Orc child sighed. He'd just have to kill a boar like every other kid.

He told her to wait there, and got Nic-nuk, his dimwitted, spear-toting little brother to go get the Chief.

Nic-Nuk returned, and, giggling, informed his older brother that the Chief was busy, and explained in detail as to how.

The Orc child laughed, and informed the strange rambling dragonlady that she'd have to wait.

~~~~
Manbearpig regained consciousness, Gluestick popped his shoulder back into place, and everyone healed everyone and arrived at the Orc village.

Jay El took the leadership position, and surmised that this time the basic rules of engagement should be gone over ahead of time, so as to avoid the brutal slaying of innocent women and children. Ash objected to most of his tactics due to their lack of efficiency, but acquiesced that, if it would get the party moving forward, that it was fine.

The party walked up and stared angrily at the child guard, and intimidated the crap out of him. Shitanya decided to frown too, though she wasn't sure why. She then got distracted by a fly buzzing near her head.

The party walked in, past the cowering children, and past the now frightened Orc women. Shitanya jogged to catch up. "Hi!" she attempted. Introductions would have to wait, as, the removal of Orc penis would soon take precedence.

"I-I-I w-a-a-a-s s-s-s-ma-a-a-l-l d-o-o-o-w-n th-e-e-e-re" came Tribby's screaming objections as the Sea sluggedly equipped Orc continued to ravish her.

Shitanya took the lead, and attempted to grab the Orc. Unsure as to how, she failed utterly and landed on Tribby instead. But, the Orc missed his own startled attacks (both of them...) and she recovered, and, lawfully ripped off his genitals, thus, disarming him.

Jay El healed over the stump.

They gathered up their belongings, found some neat stuff, and headed back to Roe. Nic-Nuck watched them go, the bloody MESSAGE OF IMPENDING DOOM clutched hard in his tiny, terrified hand.

They divvied up the loot, Manbearpig taking the smokesticks, Jay El took the thunderstone, Ash took the acid, Tribby, the magic gloves, and Shitanya took the Alchemist's fire. And walked casually back to Roe, taking time to heal and rest and tell each other their basic back stories.


Upon making it to town, the group decided to go check out Gustoff's magic shop, and give him the tidy sum of 5 gold in exchange for a 125 gold spell, access to his arcane wisdom, and to put towards the repairs of his shop. Gustoff would charge them 100 gold for the spell, as he (for some unknown reason) likes the party, but, after some impressively poor negotiations were done they managed to get Gustoff to lower his price to 130 gold.

It was then, that the party all decided to give in to plot devices, and touch their friggen gems together. And low and behold, there was plot.
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+1 Member! Introducing... Shitanya!

Session 2: Well Rip off My Dick and Shit in my Mouth, something went wrong.

+1 to members!
Shitanya's Backstory
Shitanya, after her horrific childhood experience, chose the peace and solitude of Monkery... Monkhood? And through it, discovered a passion for Law, and Good. Since that time, she's been staying with the Halflings. They are jovial and somewhat laid back, and they inspire her towards a greater, simpler world.

Two days ago, a elven ranger staggered in to the halfing village of Kippy, and, after being nursed back to health, reported to the halflings that, for the first time, both the Bugbears and the Ogres are preparing for war at the same time, and both are headed north.

Before this, the Orcs have been a nice buffer for Roe and Kippy against both tribes, as all three have warred against each other. In fact, both Kippy and Roe have occasionally supplied arms to the Orcs to keep everything copacetic. They want war, we want peace, everyone wins.

But the result of this upcoming war will very likely take out the Orcs, and thus both Roe and Kippy's "buffer" against the larger tribes.

As a result, they are in need of a fast rider (who is comfortable leaving Kippy) to take the urgent message of warning to the Orcs, as well as a promise of support from Roe (and to take the message to Roe).

They summon a magic steed for her, give her 2 "cure minor wounds" potions and she was off, with her MESSAGE OF IMPENDING DOOM.

(now then, back to the story)
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Noobtastic Planning.

The next morning...

"Ah, its good to be alive, and its nice to be good." Jay El remarked, refreshed from his morning prayer.

"..." Said Manbearpig, scratching his ear and wondering which side of his hair to twig.

"Well, let's go look for some adventure!" Ash prompted, pointedly looking at the universe so as for it to provide some sort of direction. The gems in his pocket did their very best to kick him in the testicles, but they were an elusive target.

"Oh hey!" Tribby remarked. "I have one of those gems by the way."

"You do?" Jay El queried. "Man. What are the odds?"

"I know right?"

"Yeah. Well, so anyway, what do you guys want to do?"

"Hmmm... want to go to the tavern and ask for any weirdness around town?"

"Sure, we could do that. Yeah."

Not much happened. Although Ash got pretty excited about someone complaining about the increasing amounts of thefts in town by an unknown group.

"(sigh) Well, I found one of those incredibly unique and implausibly-popular-amongst-the-four-of-us gems the other day, too." Ash offered.

"Huh. Really?"

"Yeah."

"Man."

"Yeah."

"Well..."

"Wanna see where I found it? It was on this Orc fellah. He... was dead when I got there."

"Oh! That sounds questy. Sure, let's do that."

The horse looked up and did its best to prompt "But don't we already ha..."

"Shh! We're questing!"

"Yeah! Stupid horse."

And so the party made their way to the semi-liquid and now semi-putrid Orc.

The four of them possessing some probability shattering amounts of this unique and unidentified gem, three out of four of the party knowing full well that when the gems had been pressed together there had been magical effects, and, at the very least, that Gustoff might remark on the rarity and seemingly improbable event that had occurred, all headed out to find that Orc that Ash had killed the other day.

And, through a series of impressive rolls, tracked this Orc's trail back to its home village two days trek away.

"Okay. Well, it looks like an Orc village."

"Yeah. Definitely an Orc village."

"Hm."

"Well, we're here to... find a... shard. Right?"

"Yeah, let's go with that."

"Okay. Well, let's sneak in and look for it."

"Makes sense. Wouldn't it be pretty tiny and stuff? I mean, what if its in someone's pocket?"

"Either way, we should sneak in."

"Yeah. Send the bearpig."

"MANbearpig"

"Yeah, Manbearpig. You're up."

"Okay!"

Manbearpig's horse, Gluestick, thought to itself how easy it would be to climb a tree if one wanted to scope out the village. The fence being about 10 feet high. It stomped its foot on the ground three times in an effort to explain its brilliant stratagem.

"Shut your horse up, meatpig! We're creating a plan!" Ash barked.

And what a plan it was.

They cast whisper, so as to be able to communicate, and obscuring mist, on the main gate, so the orcs wouldn't be able to see them sneaking in.

A perfect plan.

Manbearpig made his way to the gate, climbed up and looked in. It was all very foggy, and misty.

This made his survalience more difficult.

He opted to see how many Orcs he could hear.

He also ascertained that the door was barred with a rather large log, and that it would be very difficult for him to lift it, he not being an Orc.

Stumbling his way through the fog, he listened intently. "Yes... okay, I hear one talking about taxes, and at least one snoring, while yet another is playing the drums..." it was slightly difficult for him to tell all the different sounds apart. Harder still, was it for him to hear the sound of the gem. But, as far as he knew, it never really made a noise anyway, so he couldn't be faulted for that. There was a fairly big party going on, by the sounds of things.

He made his way through the fog, and saw some tents.

"Awesome." He said to himself (and thus the people on the other end of the whisper spell, who were discussing on weather or not the whisper spell extended to them in, thankfully, fairly whispered tones) and, figuring there might be some pretty cool... things... inside, attempted to move silently towards the tents, and failed utterly.

If Orcs had access to vinyl records, now would be the time where their song would scratch and the music would instantly stop. However, they didn't, so, they just kind of stopped drumming and a few battle cries erupted instead. It was kind of like a scene out of a teen movie where the nerd shows up and the frat boys are all like "what are you doing here" kind of deal, but, with Orcs, axes, and a Druid.

"FIRE ME BOY!" Ash bellowed, taking a running leap and slamming into the wall. "I'm okay." he wheezed.

Tribby and Jay El ran up to the gate and looked at it with stern looks.

Orcs, seeing people who weren't part of their household, being in their household, defended said household from said people, and ineptly attacked the magnanimous Manbearpig, who lit them, and their houses, on fire. "Burn orc bitches!" was not what he said.

Ash climbed down, breathing hard from the impact, but unscathed, and ran full on into the immense gate, cracking the large log that was keeping it shut, exactly in half. He took a second to look pretty darn smug about it. "huh huh, running into things will always win, because things can't dodge." he gloated, rubbing his sore head and balls.

Tribby looked at the gate, Jay El looked at Tribby's breasts when Tribby wasn't looking, then, looked back at the gate.

"Shit piss fuck ow sonova!" was not what the rather quiet druid said as he was stabbed to death by the enraged owner of one of the burning houses.

The mighty Ash heaved half the door's barrier out of the way.

"Y'know, we could climb over." Jay El suggested, having had his fill of cleavage.

"Good idea!" Tribby replied, and thus they climbed over. Tribby struggled a little, but Jay El made it over like a Jackrabbit and readied his whacking mace.

Ash swore under his breath. "Wish everyone could friggin' jump over the friggin'..." he lifted the other barrier off the wall. "There! At least now we can... get... in... okay, well... now we can... get OUT! At least. I'm useful god damn it!"

"OW! Bloody orc with your smegging..." is not what Manbearpig said, as his rather motivated stabber continued with his work. And a burning, panicking woman ran by screaming something undoubtedly similar to "ow ow I'm on fire" in Orc.

"I'll save you!" yelled Jay El and Ash with varying levels of conviction.

Tribby jumped down, put her back to Ash, and launched a cone of fire behind everyone, at nothing in particular. The wall lit on fire, but thankfully, the gate wasn't engulfed.

"I'm covering our exit!" she exclaimed as the battle went on around them.

Jay El healed the bloody druid's wounds as Ash did what Ash did best (though without the jumping) and eventually everyone but Ash was back at the burning gates. Tribby, hoping nobody blamed her for the fire, went back towards the flames she'd created, and readied her crossbow for the next Orc she saw, which happened to be a terrified child.

Thankfully, she failed to hit the child, and hit its panicking mother who was attempting to catch it before it got too close to this lawful good band of marauders, instead.

"No biggie!" She pipped, and reloaded her crossbow for another shot.

"What the fuck!?" Screamed the rather upset Cleric

"Hey, what'd I miss?" Ash retorted, brushing the remains of the Orc child's father off his shoulder.

"Nothing important. I'm going to look for that gem." Tribby replied.

"You... we... there's..." came Jay El's continued indignation.

Manbearpig did not comment, but also did not kill any more innocent Orcs with balls of fire launched from his hands. He'd found it somewhat distasteful, burning unarmed women and children, and, for some reason, felt it best to withdraw. At least, this is what the party assumed from his silence.

"Oh, sweet. Yeah, detect magic." Ash suggested. "Who shot the unarmed woman over there? Man, right in the throat! There's a shitty way to die. Is she still burbling?"

"Yeah, that was me. She was thrashing a few seconds earlier. Hey, I'll detect magic, but, if I find anything, we should split it only 50/50, because those feebs want to leave."

"Yeah, that seems fair. You find it, and I'll go get it."

"Righto."

"YOU FUCKING KILLED A..." continued the Cleric, who attempted to snatch the gem from Tribby's neck SO POORLY that it did not even seem as though he'd attempted to do anything but simply gesture in disgust.

"Yep, I'm getting sssssomething..." she mumbled to herself as the Orc woman twitched her last twitch and her now orphaned child let out a wail of sorrow upon finding its buchered father.

"I am SO FREAKING OUT OF HERE!" Jay El screeched. Manbearpig, whose full name was silent bobmarepig, continued to stare forward for a moment.

"Yep, clearly there's some mega magic here... that's mostly plot devices though...

As an afterthought, Manbearpig followed Jay El.

"ah, there we go, there's a really minor source of magic."

"Hm. The others took off. Wanna go?"

"...yeeeeah.... I guess."

"Because we could stay. We could starve them out, and pick them off one by one as they tried to leave."

"That's true... and if we did, we'd probably get upwards of twelve gold pieces and some burnt leather."

"Shit, that sounds like its worth commiting more atrocities... but... its getting late."

"Yeah, let's go with the party."

"Okay."

And so, the night concluded with the party walking away, leaving the Orcs to their screaming sounds of anguish, pain, frustration, anger and despair.

After a time, they decided to make camp, and bunk down for the night. I mean, what could possibly go wrong at this point?

XP AWARDED:
Tibby 743
MBP 1350
JL 1417
Ash 1484
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A Shwartzki like a coat hanger

Rhapsody, having not done well in her attempts to steal candy from the senile and remembering that she was remotely good, decided to be altruistic and shoot the undead with her magic missile. She succeeded in shooting it in the butt, or, at least, in the hip bone area.

The old Wizard found the spell he was looking for in one of his books and remarked "ah yes, right. that old diddy." and quickly cast a spell to retake control of his undead. "Gary, Allen, that's quite enough. Off you get, back to your posts. There's a good undead." he then turned the page and continued "ah yes, this'll help" and cast a quick silence spell upon the immobilized former-trouble-maker-who-was-formerly-charming-but-now-pretty-much-everyone-agreed-was-a-bad-guy.

~~~~

Ash decided that the local tavern was perhaps not the best place to find his ultimate nemesis, and decided to browse the fruit stands in the local marketplace. "Fucking avocados better not look at me the wrong way..." he mumbled to himself.

~~~~

"So!" Gustoff prompted "This your friend, then?"

"Yes, that's him."

"Heh, hm.... you know he's bat-shit evil, right?"

"Yes. He was cursed."

"Ah, unlucky and evil now, is he?"

"No, I mean, he was cursed into being evil."

"ooooooh, so its one of those not-evil-just-mostly-evil type situations."

"Kind of, I mean, he wasn't evil before getting cursed."

"Good, was he?"

"Oh yeah, really good even."

"Huh."

"Yeah, he was stabbed with a cursed knife, which I have."

"Do you! Well, good info to have. Alrighty, gimmie the cuh-niff."

"The..."

"Knife. The knife. Give me the cursed knife. Oy. Druids."

"You're Irish."

"Irish people can't say oy?"

"No, I mean, well, here's the knife, anyway."

"uh huh. Yep. Not cursed. Regular knife. Sorry bucko. Looks like your friend's just evil for the chicks and the booze."

"No! No, he must have been cursed. Look, he had all kinds of good things in his life, a wife, a daughter..."

"Didn't EAT them, did he?"

"What? No!"

"Good. That's bad."

"...yes."

"Alright, let's look at him a little closer and do some mumbo."

"Mumbo?"

"Jumbo!"

"W... okay."

"Druids. Alrighty, alacazamie, alacazortski, show me what's needed to unbend your shwartzki!"

"His Shwartzki is bent?"

"No, but its one of the more common reasons for people turning evi... ah! Here we are. Iiiinteresting. He has a large pink gem of an unknown type embedded in his body which is the only thing that prevented this incredibly powerful demon from killing and rising up from your friend's body." He remarked, as Jay El's chest ripped open to reveal the gem now protruding from his sternum.

"Wow, that must hurt."

"Heh. Yep."

"That there must be some kinda gem."

"Yes, a gem like that is a true rarity, in fact, I'd go as far as to say boarder-line unique."

"I have one around my neck."

"Well now. That IS a coincidence. I mean, what are the odds?"

"Pretty small, I'd say."

"Almost as if fate had put you two together eh? Well, let's put that there gem into his chest aaaaaand... well look at that, he's good again! And, looks like the crazy from the fever has dissipated too."

"Well, that was uncomfortable in an excruciatingly painful kind of way." Jay El remarked, dusting himself off and collapsing in the pain that is remorse and the pain that is pain. "Sorry about trying to kill you and all. I hope we didn't cause too much damage."

Everyone smiled and almost hugged. Everyone looked awkwardly at the girl standing in the doorway, who yelled at them that she was changing her name to Tribby. A man in the background walked by making "coo coo" noises, while another walked by singing that he'd never ever ever ever ever make a song about Tribby. But he was a cruel bard, of whom we would likely never see again.

"Okay... great." They all kind of shrugged. "So anyway, you're cursed with this demon thing, but these incredibly powerful unknown gems that we were talking about are..."

"Do you guys wanna hang out?" The newly named Tribby prompted.

"Uh... yeah. Sure." They replied, after wondering to themselves what the legal age was in Roe. "Listen, this is all really fascinating and everything Guss, but, I think we're gonna take off."

"Oh. Al... Alright then. Well, let me know if you ever want to have my free services and trash my magic shop again."

"Yeah, will do. Thanks again."

"Okay. Because not just anyone could have..."

They slammed the door and went off with the hot possibly barely-legal chick.

"I have my own bedroll!" She piped up.

"Uh huh." They all answered, clearly very interested.

"Hey!" A scary looking fellow with avocado all over his greatspear barked at the travellers.

"Uh..." they replied.

"I can hit things really, really well. Wanna hang out?"

"Uh..." they replied.

"Great. I charge one gold a day."

"See, the thing is, we're kind of... not... ummm..."

"Okay, howzabout this, we split the treasure we find 50/50."

"Well... would that... like... include emotional trauma, or... just like... money and stuff..."

"Let's just see how things go, mkay?"

"Uh... yeah. Alright. Let's go sleep together. I mean, not together-together, but, let's go to a hotel room and, sleep. I don't mean sleep... well, I do. I mean, I actually mean sleep, not like sleep-sleep, y'know, like coffee being sex, not like that, there's no sex. Well, not with you... We're all fairly ungay, I think. We don't really know. I think this young lady mentioned she had her own bedroll. But, we'd use the hotel's... tonight. This time..."

"I have charisma 10. Shut the hell up."

"Okidoki, so, to the hotel then."

Gluestick neighed in agreement. Everyone flipped out, having completely forgotten about the horse.

"...and yeah, curse is now lifted, thanks to these cool gems of immense power! I mean, I'd give pretty much anything for one of these puppies. They're like, amazing and the secret to everything and clearly important. But I've been talking for a while now. Let's move the circle over." Jay El finished.

"I'm Manbearpig. I like trees."

"Wait" Raptor-tribble, er, Rhapsody/Tribby prompted, "Your name is MANBEARPIG? Seriously?"

"..." He replied, with the utmost of presence and certainty.

"So... yeah. Those gems would be reeeally cool if we were to find one..." Jay El continued "...I mean, the implied value of these gems alone, heck, they seem pretty important and all..."

"Yeah, well, goodnight." Ash replied, tucking away his gem and going to bed. "PS, my motivation is to kill things for honor."

"Yeah well, goodnight." Tribby replied, tucking away her gem and going to bed. "PS I got kicked out of my hometown for burning things."

Jay El looked at Manbearpig. Manbearpig looked back. "What? Don't look at me, I already gave you mine."

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Identical in all other respects

"So yeah. He's sick. I think that pretty much sums up all you really need to know." Manbearpig continued, as Gustoff listened as intently as he was inclined to do, which wasn't very.

"Uh huh, well, go get yer friend then. I'm not a friggin' Cleric, but whatever, don't ask how business is or anything, lousy no good..." He trailed off, watching one of the stones rotating around his head "Oh right! Avocados!" he snapped his fingers, clearly remembering something of at least moderate importance and thusly far more important than anything going on outside his shop.

~~~~

"(gasp) why... did... I... untie... you..." Manbearpig gasped as Jay El continued to very charismatically choke the life out of him.

The guards approached and drew their swords. "Halt!" They yelled, as it dictated in the guard's handbook to do in these types of circumstances. "er... Halt!" one of the newer guards said, like one of those annoying kids in highschool that wouldn't actually do anything for an oral presentation and just kind of repeat a few of the words you said and make it look like you were just speaking quickly, and hogging the spotlight, when in fact they didn't do a damn thing.

"Quick, help me!" the very charismatic sociopath pleaded, clearly in need of some assistance in choking the fellow on the ground.

The guards pondered. Their handbook clearly showed the other person on the ground asking for help in these types of situations, but in subsection C, it clearly stated that generally the person asking for help was a person in need of their services.

"Uh..." they stalled.

~~~~

Rhapsody, the neutral good sorceress looked for something evil to do, and decided that stealing from the elderly was a great place to start. But the old woman's handbag proved too great a challenge, for that was where she kept her dirty novels about men being abused on horseback, and thus, it was zippered shut.

~~~~

"Look, um, let the fellow go, and, then... we'll all help... who needs... helping." The more innovative of the guardsmen innovated. The other guards looked at him approvingly and offered muttered "glad you thought of that" type responses. "Helping!" replied the slacker of the group, still trying to pretend that he knew what he was doing.

~~~~

"I AM LOOKING FOR A CHALLENGE!" Ash bellowed into the sparsely populated tavern, which replied with a cacophony of cantankerous cronies coughing and calling out random comments such as "I gotcher challenge right here" and such.

So as not to look too silly, Ash continued: "...and... some... meat. A... a side of beef!" which was met with nearly the exact same replies and retorts. He sighed. Liquefying orcs was so much easier than socializing.

"If this friggin ceiling was higher, I could jump the shit out of that bartender... he'd be all like 'oooh, I have queest for yooooou'" he mumbled to himself, fairly loudly.

~~~~

Jay El wove a tale so convincing, it t'were like the muse herself did visit this encounter.

"...and then he was like BAM! and I was like OW!" he continued, as the guards all sat around him like it was story time at the library, occasionally frowning at Manbearpig's attempts to loquaciously defend himself. "Uh..." he replied. "Nuh uh." but t'was upon deaf ears.

...well, not deaf ears, just, really interested-in-something-else, ears. If you want deaf ears, you'd be more interested in Ash. Who was kinda deaf. But he was just harassing bar people right now, so this is more interesting.

The guards paused. The fellow HAD rolled really well... but, it said something in their manual about outright killing people based on convincing stories. "Do you have any... y'know... friends... or...family or witnesses or anything like that?" the guard queried.

Manbearpig chose to remain silent for a time. But then, felt it best to cut the tension. "Well, there IS Gustoff... he's about 10 feet behind us if it isn't too much trouble to investigate."

"Fiiiine" The guards all droned. "But now we're really confused, so let's put the possibly-crazy-but-still-so-charismatic guy in front, and handcuff you just in case"

Dong de dong dong. "Huh. Wasn't it a ding dAhUNDEAD!" Jay El squeeked, as Gustoff's evil detector-alerted-undead-security-system gripped him in the grip of the damned, or, at least, the grip of the reanimated and occasionally called on for minor tasks and duties that only rarely involved picking up groceries.

Jay El smiled. Undead happened to be something he was fairly good at controlling as of late. "Release me" he commanded, "and bar the door." nobody was going to be curing any evil any time soon if he had anything to say about it; and, currently, Manbearpig didn't say much, so, that meant that he probably did have quite a bit to say about it. He liked the new him, fever or no, and he intended on staying this way.

The guards saw the formerly-charismatic-and-now-probably-the-bad-guy command the two dead fellows to bar the door, and, after only a moderate amount of pondering, decided it would be prudent to attempt to force the door open, to help out Gustoff, who was alone with the badish man.

The undead held the door, and Jay El advanced upon the hapless old man with an evil glint in his eye. "Now... you shall fall before... oh." he finished, as Gustoff immobilized him with a quick spell. "Well. This is embarrassing." he finished. "Right then," he continued, timing the thudding of the guards against the door "open the door NOW!" The guards, clumsy as they were, fell into a heap, to the top of which, the other undead jumped upon as if a child playing in leaves, only with glowing red eyes and no skin.

Character Development and Elderly Women with S&M Fetishes

As the honorable Manbearpig guided the noble Gluestick into town, to which the sometimes-noble-and-honorable Jay El was currently tied as he spewed feverish and outright nasty obscenities to all that would hear, he couldn't help but remember back to when the two of them were children. Each playing with their little dolls and favorite sticks, respectively, and the hours of fun they would have debating over the ethics of nailing one toy to the other in search of realism.

Now, things were different. Manbearpig rarely got to defend his sticks or even play with them. No, his had been a tale of three long years of travel, and all his life seemed to be now, was apologising for stupidface, which was the nickname he'd unconsciously given Jay El at some point along the way as his actions continued to remind him less and less of his childhood friend.

~~~~

Rhapsody made her way into town. Both thankful to have found shelter from the forests and the trails, and fearful of the new collection of hearts she seemed destined to break, and the social ostracising she seemed destined to spawn. (but not in a icky kind of way)

~~~~

Manbearpig used his incredible detective skills and inquire abilities to ascertain the exact location of Gustoff.

"Hey." He said. He expected a return response, and was planning on going from there. So great was his ability to manipulate a social encounter, that he was literally improvising this one as it went.

"Good afternoon. Are ye aware that you have a stick in your hair Lad?" Came back the unexpectedly complicated reply.

"...yes." Manbearpig replied, for he was. "I put it there." he elaborated.

"...ah." The barkeep replied. "ssso..."

"I'm looking for Gustoff." He interrupted. Figuring it best to state his business before any other items of his personage were awkwardly pointed out.

"I'm an NPC" the barkeep replied. "I mean, his shop's over there, on that street, close to that thing, in the marketplace. You could miss it, but, you won't, because it's a good idea if you get over there as that's pretty much where this story's plot begins."

~~~~

"YEAH! FUCK YOU!" Ash continued, screaming at the liquefied Orc, kicking various pieces of it. "MESS YOU UP!" he continued, before searching and sifting his person for treasure. "...Teach that fucker to look in any way like he was up to no good..." he mumbled to himself, riding a sweet ride of adrenalin to which he'd become addicted as he eventually found a small, unliquefied pink gem.

~~~~

Ding da ding ding came the sweet chimes over Gustoff's door, as the entwigged Manbearpig entered in as magestic a manner as he was currently able. "Hey! Manboarswi, er, Manpigbe..."

"Gustoff!" Manbearpig interrupted, knowing that Gustoff's shop was more likely to close in a few hours than its owner was likely at remembering his name. Though once having been truly fantastic at adventuring, Gustoff now spent most of his time collecting memory and health enhancing artifacts, so that he could remember where he kept his other memory and health enhancing potions.

His prices had always been fair - many believed it was because he enjoyed hearing the stories of adventurers he supplied, and living vicariously through the ones that lived long enough to do so.

Gustoff himself had quite a story, but, that was another adventure altogether. The short version, is that he's pretty old and senile now, and has most of his food delivered, as having undead pick up your pizza can sometimes lead to chipping a tooth on a misplaced pinky bone.

"Hey man!" Gustoff finally finished, giving up on the exercise of naming for until after he rummaged and found another memory-stone to orbit his already somewhat cluttered upper cranium.

As Manbearpig unveiled his tale of woe in as few words as possible to Gustoff, feeling it best to be vague and general in many areas, Jay El did his best to plead with an elderly woman to let him go.

~~~~

Meanwhile, Jay El, still quite mad and quite evil, was continuing to plead with an elderly woman "...And he beats me, and humps me..." he continued, somewhat unconvincingly.

The Woman looked at him with a strange amount of lust in her eyes "Then what does he do to you, you naughty boy?" Jay El gave up temporarily.

Session 1 - Ah newbs... How fresh they smell...

Welcome to the Smell of noobs!


All the posts aren't this long, nor are they this incoherent.
You'll note on your right, there is a list of chapters...


In the beginning, things were juuuust getting going... and there was much learning on both ends ;-D


Our tale begins as four unlikely companions begin their individual tales of adventure. Some, for money, some for fame, some, for friendship, and some simply to return home the man they once were.

All would find a purpose and a synergy with each other that would greatly outweigh their individual abilities, and needs.

...Eventually.

Our party, all from distant lands, with reasons of their own, have ended up in the town of Roe. All have had miniature adventures, from being shunned socially, to being disappointed in the level of challenge brought fourth, to...  well, in the case of Jay El, to being tied to a horse because you're bat shit crazy and evil due to a curse put upon you by a cursed blade.  Then, there was Manbearpig, whose basic reasons for travelling included having to put up with your best friend turning bat shit evil and crazy and having to tie him to a horse.



Jay El, the former captain of the guard of Jay Elville and both beloved husband and doting Father, has been burdened with a curse no one man should have ever had to endure.

Burning with sickness, madness, and an evil that could only be described as infernal... well, it couldn't only be described as infernal... but, that's a pretty good description of it, anyway. Okay, so, he's pretty evil, and his friend, burdened with his own (admittedly socially awkward, but not as bad as the whole demon/infernal thing) curse of suck-ass nameage, Manbearpig, who has taken it upon himself to be Jay-El's protector.

It is to Roe they have been headed all this time, in search of Gustoff; the main reason being that he's the wisest Wizard Manbearpig has ever known, and his prices were good.

MORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!

Meanwhile...  Ash, showing a lifetime of scars highlighting the many occurrences where shoot first (well, jump and stab first) ask questions later has been his motto, has found an unarmed, but from his perspective, clearly up to no good Orcish fellow. (and, by that, I mean, an Orc).

Desperately wanting to jump and kill something, Ash immediately springs into battle, and all but liquefies the unfortunate first combatant of the Dragoon. In fact, if one were a skeptical person, one almost might think that the Gods had placed this unfortunate sap in front of Ash in order to figure out what kinda stuff he could do, and how well he could do it. Or, maybe the Gods were still trying to figure out things like gravity and physics, and felt it best to test it on the more sturdy of folk in an isolated un-story-creating event.

Ah, but Gods are far from perfect. Just as the lightest touch of a butterfly wing can cause disasters across the globe, so to, apparently, can a random encounter lay waste to an entire city of Orcs two days march away. But, we're getting ahead of ourselves...