Gluestick stared at Tribby, who stared blankly ahead.
Where had Manbearpig gone? Had he been accosted? Were there tree people? Giant spiders? Invisible phantoms? Traps? Mirror dimensions? Giants with long, deft fingers who snatched riders from horses?
Tribby continued to stare ahead - all power diverted to thinking.
Gluestick neighed at Tribby, and poked her slightly.
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Showing posts with label Gluestick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gluestick. Show all posts
Dec 19, 2010
Dec 17, 2010
What we have here...
Tribby ran and Manbearpig bounced while Gluestick galloped. Tribby breathed as she ran "Tribby really would miss Shibou, Shibou is good friend."
Manbearpig nodded silently. He too, had forged something of a bond with the beast. He wondered silently to himself if Gluestick had ever felt any pangs of jealousy...
"Plus, Shibou has all our stuff!"
Manbearpig nodded silently. It was true. Much of their possessions had been put into Shibou's harnesses from time to time, and the beast's daily burden forgotten. What must it be like, he wondered, to be such a beast, where size and strength were so ever-present that the weight of hundreds of pounds were meaningless? He paused, and realized that many a bug would ask the same of Man...
"..." Manbearpig said, saving his voice for later.
Suddenly, Manbearpig had a thought. He could turn into a bird and cover considerably more distance. He did so. Gluestick did the horse equivalent of shrugging, and continued galloping next to Tribby.
"Tribby likes eating Shibou's poo, too. Tribby thinks its because Shibou is a vegetarian that her poo is better than... than..." Tribby stopped. Where had Manbearpig gone? She stood still and stared into the trees. Where had he gone?
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Manbearpig nodded silently. He too, had forged something of a bond with the beast. He wondered silently to himself if Gluestick had ever felt any pangs of jealousy...
"Plus, Shibou has all our stuff!"
Manbearpig nodded silently. It was true. Much of their possessions had been put into Shibou's harnesses from time to time, and the beast's daily burden forgotten. What must it be like, he wondered, to be such a beast, where size and strength were so ever-present that the weight of hundreds of pounds were meaningless? He paused, and realized that many a bug would ask the same of Man...
"..." Manbearpig said, saving his voice for later.
Suddenly, Manbearpig had a thought. He could turn into a bird and cover considerably more distance. He did so. Gluestick did the horse equivalent of shrugging, and continued galloping next to Tribby.
"Tribby likes eating Shibou's poo, too. Tribby thinks its because Shibou is a vegetarian that her poo is better than... than..." Tribby stopped. Where had Manbearpig gone? She stood still and stared into the trees. Where had he gone?
. How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
Aug 16, 2010
Mini-adventure 8
Grunting, huffing, and yes, even puffing, Tribby tugged and yanked herself up, up, and out of the seemingly huge saddlebags, of which Gluestick was a tad touchy about, and breathed in a large gasp of fresh-ish air.
Fresh-ish, because, honestly, the air smelled of sweaty horse, Kobold pee and coal smoke.
Suddenly, the sound of a huge, stone door smashing to the ground was heard, shortly thereafter, the sound of pounding, coughing and gasping.
Tribby scanned the immediate area, and jumped down, using her feather fall spell to slow her descent. It sounded like someone needed her help, and, odds were, those somebodies were her friends.
"I'm coming!" She squeaked, running as fast as her lil' legs could carry her.
Fresh-ish, because, honestly, the air smelled of sweaty horse, Kobold pee and coal smoke.
Suddenly, the sound of a huge, stone door smashing to the ground was heard, shortly thereafter, the sound of pounding, coughing and gasping.
Tribby scanned the immediate area, and jumped down, using her feather fall spell to slow her descent. It sounded like someone needed her help, and, odds were, those somebodies were her friends.
"I'm coming!" She squeaked, running as fast as her lil' legs could carry her.
Aug 1, 2010
Mini-adventure 1
Nick walked by. "I may be joining your group some day..." he whispered in a creepy "the killer is still inside the house and that makes me want to touch myself suggestively" kind of way.
"Who the hell was that!?" Tribby squeaked as she worked over the last, rather specific paragraph.
Tribby paused. "Was... was that a... did I just... squeak?"
Tribby looked around. Why was everything so huge?
There was what appeared to be a mountain of rope, and, to her delight, a mountain of jerky in her immediate vicinity.
"Man. I'd hate to meet the duckcow they made that sucker from..." she squeaked again.
"Why the heck am I... ooooOOooh." She oooh-squeaked.
"I'm still tiny. Right."
Tribby paused, and surveyed her surroundings. "And, I'm guessin' I'm in Gluestick's saddlebags..." she finished, shrugging and taking a bite out of the mountain of Jerky.
"fffffHKkKKOINK!" hiss/squawk/oinked the huge, acid spitting wormbirdpig that had been residing in one of the apples within the pouch.
"Who the hell was that!?" Tribby squeaked as she worked over the last, rather specific paragraph.
Tribby paused. "Was... was that a... did I just... squeak?"
Tribby looked around. Why was everything so huge?
There was what appeared to be a mountain of rope, and, to her delight, a mountain of jerky in her immediate vicinity.
"Man. I'd hate to meet the duckcow they made that sucker from..." she squeaked again.
"Why the heck am I... ooooOOooh." She oooh-squeaked.
"I'm still tiny. Right."
Tribby paused, and surveyed her surroundings. "And, I'm guessin' I'm in Gluestick's saddlebags..." she finished, shrugging and taking a bite out of the mountain of Jerky.
"fffffHKkKKOINK!" hiss/squawk/oinked the huge, acid spitting wormbirdpig that had been residing in one of the apples within the pouch.
Jul 27, 2010
Gluestick's Recap
"Its funny you should ask!" Replied the suddenly self aware and chatty horse.
"Its just... it seems like its been forever since I was awake... and, I'm having trouble remembering... just... what was going on?"
"weeEeell... you got smashed by a Troll..."
"No, I'm the troll."
"Listen, whose telling this story, you, or me?"
"Fine, go ahead."
"So as I was saying, you got smashed by a Troll because YOU, (also being a troll) smashed his boat, Skidmark."
"Oooooh right."
"You've been a little loopy since then, I think."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, you did walk up (naked, mind you) to a bunch of evil Ogres, and, without knowing their language, attempt to barter with them via removing their clothing."
"That seems really..."
"dumbfounded, they decided to have sex with you, and you were rather surprised by that"
"Really? That's..."
"Retarded though their manners were, one could still venture fourth that you gave the fellows the wrong message."
"Right."
"Anyway, after the raping and the running and the killing, you ended up back at the Fairies briefly."
"Wait, didn't we go to see Poonose, AFTER the raping?"
"...yes."
"Why'd you tell it in the other order?"
"...to attempt to give you an excuse as to your logic."
"... right. Carry on. Then what happened?"
Gluestick neighed and bobbed his head, which was the well known "horses can't talk, moron" head gesture.
"... wait... what? Am I ... still... what the crap?"
--(sorry, we still haven't played yet)--
"Its just... it seems like its been forever since I was awake... and, I'm having trouble remembering... just... what was going on?"
"weeEeell... you got smashed by a Troll..."
"No, I'm the troll."
"Listen, whose telling this story, you, or me?"
"Fine, go ahead."
"So as I was saying, you got smashed by a Troll because YOU, (also being a troll) smashed his boat, Skidmark."
"Oooooh right."
"You've been a little loopy since then, I think."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, you did walk up (naked, mind you) to a bunch of evil Ogres, and, without knowing their language, attempt to barter with them via removing their clothing."
"That seems really..."
"dumbfounded, they decided to have sex with you, and you were rather surprised by that"
"Really? That's..."
"Retarded though their manners were, one could still venture fourth that you gave the fellows the wrong message."
"Right."
"Anyway, after the raping and the running and the killing, you ended up back at the Fairies briefly."
"Wait, didn't we go to see Poonose, AFTER the raping?"
"...yes."
"Why'd you tell it in the other order?"
"...to attempt to give you an excuse as to your logic."
"... right. Carry on. Then what happened?"
Gluestick neighed and bobbed his head, which was the well known "horses can't talk, moron" head gesture.
"... wait... what? Am I ... still... what the crap?"
--(sorry, we still haven't played yet)--
Jul 13, 2010
A strange dream sequence involving Deep Fried Cheesecake and the Richmond Night Market
The Orc waltzed up to Tribby, wearing a strange, low cut top, and whispered seductively in its guttural language "Yes, its true - there is deep fried cheesecake at the richmond night market..."
"The what?" Tribby replied, clearly being entranced by the Orcy cleavage.
"But wait, it gets better..." She whispered anew, "There's deep fried cheesecake... with toppings! We're talkin' smores, butterfinger, you name it..." she whispered, huskily, slowly running her finger up her thigh.
"This is so strange... I... I don't even like Orcs... or girls... or know what cheese cake is..."
"Shhhh..." she replied, brushing against her skin lightly. "I know, I know... I admit, when I first heard about it - I think I was expecting some kind of tempura dish... but I assure you, its nothing like tempura, and everything like ecstasy..."
Tribby moaned, tossing and turning in her bedroll whispering out-loud "n...no... it... it can't be real... so delicious and only $6... imposs... im... IMPOSSIBLE!"
Tribby darted upright from her nightmare, her heaving Trollish bosom heaving trollishly as she spewed out of Gluestick's saddlebags with a gwa-thump.
"What the crap was that?" She screeched, as she trundled to the ground, startling the often nonplussed horse.
...
"Ummm... what the crap just happened?"
May 31, 2010
It isn't paranoia if its a class ability
Manbearpig returned to his musings. It was as though probability and opportunity had expanded within his awareness, somehow.
Where before he'd merely seen the beauty of nature, he now sensed the trillions of inherent dangers that lay within seemingly innocent structures. Trees could house tripwires, leaves could hide all kinds of dangers. He looked ahead as far as he was able. If Tribby had fallen prey to a snare trap, there could be others. He would be ready.
Where before he'd merely seen the beauty of nature, he now sensed the trillions of inherent dangers that lay within seemingly innocent structures. Trees could house tripwires, leaves could hide all kinds of dangers. He looked ahead as far as he was able. If Tribby had fallen prey to a snare trap, there could be others. He would be ready.
Gluestick triggered and fell into a pit trap. As Manbearpig's balls were painfully jarred from the impact, he realized that this whole trap-finding thing was more difficult than it seemed.
May 30, 2010
Travel Size Tribby
Tribby dangled from the impressive, able-to-hoist-over-600lbs snare, much of her loose change falling to the ground. "Woooah!" She yelled, this being her only dialogue contribution in a long time (almost as if her player had been suspiciously absent for this session)
Suddenly, a fairy none of the group recognized flew into view, let out an evil cackle, and shot Tribby with a magic arrow which had two effects. One, was that it put her immediately to sleep, the other, was that she was shrunk to the size of a Chihuahua.
Jay El squinted up at the plot device and attempted a spell. It missed, and the fairy flew away.
"Well." Shitanya said, looking down at the lil' Tribby and putting it into Gluestick's saddlebags. "At least she's portable."
May 29, 2010
Manbearpig takes a level of Rogue
The group traveled in silence, each brooding in their own way.
This latest holocaust had left an impact on the group, as they all silently pondered the limitless what-ifs of their past months travelling together.
What if they'd made this deal over that?
What if they'd gone left instead of right at a crucial moment?
Would the fairies still be alive?
Their collective guilt drove them, though they stopped to rest, it was almost an atonomous function verses a need. They knew that they must have rest in order to regain their abilities which they would need for their vengeance. Nothing more, nothing less. Like a professional fighter simply eating the best fuel for their bodies. Passionless and tasteless.
As Manbearpig rode atop Gluestick, whose head was drooped in her own, silent horror, his introspection gnawed at him like a parasite.
What must the horse be thinking about all of this? What must HE be thinking about all of this? What was HIS part in all of these horrors? How could HE have prevented it? Manbearpig was accustomed to being self-reliant in his solitude, and, as a result, he was unaccustomed to having to harbor the guilt of the many upon his shoulders.
He silently vowed to do his part. To sharpen his senses. Perhaps he'd been going about his adventuring all wrong - perhaps he should be the one to sense danger. The one to be on the lookout. Ultimately, self improvement seemed like the most logical choice, after all - it was the only thing he truly had control over.
A bird whistled past in the distance, as if to signify that Manbearpig's inner monologue was correct.
He opened himself up to the glory of nature and felt his senses become more acute. Like he could almost see danger before it happened. He squinted into the sunlight and saw distinctions in the volumetric lighting that had escaped his previous observations. He thought to himself how an intricate light-beam-based trap might function, and how to disarm it.
Like he had some kind of supernatural, extra sensory skill, Manbearpig began to see the possibilities for traps everywhere. In the trees, in the air...
His inner musings were cut short by Tribby stepping onto a snare and getting rocketed into the air. Manbearpig frowned. He'd have to practice prioritizing these searches via probability.
This latest holocaust had left an impact on the group, as they all silently pondered the limitless what-ifs of their past months travelling together.
What if they'd made this deal over that?
What if they'd gone left instead of right at a crucial moment?
Would the fairies still be alive?
Their collective guilt drove them, though they stopped to rest, it was almost an atonomous function verses a need. They knew that they must have rest in order to regain their abilities which they would need for their vengeance. Nothing more, nothing less. Like a professional fighter simply eating the best fuel for their bodies. Passionless and tasteless.
As Manbearpig rode atop Gluestick, whose head was drooped in her own, silent horror, his introspection gnawed at him like a parasite.
What must the horse be thinking about all of this? What must HE be thinking about all of this? What was HIS part in all of these horrors? How could HE have prevented it? Manbearpig was accustomed to being self-reliant in his solitude, and, as a result, he was unaccustomed to having to harbor the guilt of the many upon his shoulders.
He silently vowed to do his part. To sharpen his senses. Perhaps he'd been going about his adventuring all wrong - perhaps he should be the one to sense danger. The one to be on the lookout. Ultimately, self improvement seemed like the most logical choice, after all - it was the only thing he truly had control over.
A bird whistled past in the distance, as if to signify that Manbearpig's inner monologue was correct.
He opened himself up to the glory of nature and felt his senses become more acute. Like he could almost see danger before it happened. He squinted into the sunlight and saw distinctions in the volumetric lighting that had escaped his previous observations. He thought to himself how an intricate light-beam-based trap might function, and how to disarm it.
Like he had some kind of supernatural, extra sensory skill, Manbearpig began to see the possibilities for traps everywhere. In the trees, in the air...
His inner musings were cut short by Tribby stepping onto a snare and getting rocketed into the air. Manbearpig frowned. He'd have to practice prioritizing these searches via probability.
May 22, 2010
The story continues
And so the group crafted a stretcher, attached it to Gluestick, and called it the right thing. (sounds like portage, but less boaty... torpage? something like that) as they made it; gently placing the serene, if smashed Shitanya upon it.
"Ick, we're throwing out these blankets afterwards, right?" Came Ash's blunt, unwhispered statement.
Tribby eyed the blankets as a decidedly un-half-elf-ish desire washed over her taste buds. "mmm... poo blanket..." she half-whispered (thankfully Ash was half-deaf)
"Let's head back to the fairies." Jay El suggested, "They'll be able to fix up Shitanya right as rain!"
And so, they made their way back to the village, taking the time to rest along the way.
Jay El yawned, as he drifted off to sleep. He hoped Shitanya would be okay. It seemed strange that his healing magic had little to no effect upon the dragonlady.
Perhaps it was her unique physiology, or the severity of the blow, or maybe it had something to do with her player being absen...
"GWAH! POOOOP! Fuh... fuh... FAAART! SHIT! SHIT-FART!" Screamed Shitanya suddenly, bolting upright in her stretcher-thingy.
Jay El smiled. Looks like everything would be okay after all.
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"Ick, we're throwing out these blankets afterwards, right?" Came Ash's blunt, unwhispered statement.
Tribby eyed the blankets as a decidedly un-half-elf-ish desire washed over her taste buds. "mmm... poo blanket..." she half-whispered (thankfully Ash was half-deaf)
"Let's head back to the fairies." Jay El suggested, "They'll be able to fix up Shitanya right as rain!"
And so, they made their way back to the village, taking the time to rest along the way.
Jay El yawned, as he drifted off to sleep. He hoped Shitanya would be okay. It seemed strange that his healing magic had little to no effect upon the dragonlady.
Perhaps it was her unique physiology, or the severity of the blow, or maybe it had something to do with her player being absen...
"GWAH! POOOOP! Fuh... fuh... FAAART! SHIT! SHIT-FART!" Screamed Shitanya suddenly, bolting upright in her stretcher-thingy.
Jay El smiled. Looks like everything would be okay after all.
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May 21, 2010
Yay Gems & XP
The group debated on how to get everyone, including Shitanya's unconcious form, and the nervous Gluestick onto the boat, and into the houseboat. (Gluestick couldn't fit)
Taking their time, they ransacked the dead Ogre's quaint cottage.
They found, and threw into the water some basic survivalist tools, a few humble Ogre-attempts at art, and a rather decent (for an Ogre) drawing of what they could only assume was someone he had once cared about. In addition, they discarded 1 Large club, and 15 animal skins.
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Taking their time, they ransacked the dead Ogre's quaint cottage.
They found, and threw into the water some basic survivalist tools, a few humble Ogre-attempts at art, and a rather decent (for an Ogre) drawing of what they could only assume was someone he had once cared about. In addition, they discarded 1 Large club, and 15 animal skins.
They decided to keep:
- The big sack of smokeweed
- The Small chest of gems
- 10gp (7 blue quartz, 1 azurite, 2 malachite)
- 50gp (2 citrine, 3 clear quartz, 1 rose quartz)
- 100gp (2 amethyst)
- 500gp (3 yellow topaz)
- 1000gp (blue sapphire)
- 10gp (7 blue quartz, 1 azurite, 2 malachite)
- The Big chest of misc coins ($1,763 gp, 26,421 s, 32 c)
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May 20, 2010
Poonose The Terrible
Jay El watched as the 700 pound Ogre smashed the 600 pound Ogre into oblivion with one shot. Watched as his companion crumpled to the ground in a pile of splintered bone and torn muscle tissue.
"Oh shit." he summarized.
"ooooh shit, oh shit, ooooh shit!" He continued.
Ash launched at the Ogre in an effort to draw his fire. Gluestick reared up in fear, but Manbearpig's ability as a rider proved more powerful than Gluestick's need to GTFO. Shitanya, seeing her moment, took a deep breath and swore a mighty shit, and launched herself at the Ogre, missing often, and doing only superficial damage.
Manbearpig quickly summoned a crocodile, hoping it would drag the ogre the fuck away, and into the water where he would stop hitting people with his tree. The crock valiantly took a quick bite from the foul-tasting ogre, but, the behemoth easily shook the creature off his leg without even turning around.
The enraged Poonose, turned to see the swearing half dragon, and pounded her like a fencepost once, twice... three times was not necessary for this lady. Her crumbled body fell to the ground, seemingly lifeless.
Jay El was about to yell some more explitives, but, then saw what Poonose'd done to Shitanya, and opted to summon a big bee instead. "Maybe he's allergic!" he thought to himself.
Ash stabbed into the Ogre with a fearsome thrust, sinking his spear deep into his upper thigh. Poonose whirled and smashed at Ash, his ears ringing from the impact. Manbearpig summoned another crocodile, whispering "sick 'em!" so as not to draw too much attention to himself.
Jay El sent out his healing magic to Tribby, watching as her bones receded back into her flesh, which healed back over top of the gruesome wounds. Her skull reformed, and her ribs gradually distended back to their proper place, and she opened her eyes.
Ash stepped back, and drank a potion of enlarge person - and grew to face this menace.
Tribby blinked. She was alive! She was conscious, and not a liquid! She backed away from the enraged Poonose in terror. The creature was still really really pissed off.
The Bee stung Poonose in the neck, and he immediately swelled up from the toxins, as they went into his bloodstream. He visibly slowed, but continued his assault, smashing the crocodiles into oblivion. Manbearpig avoided eye contact as if to say "I didn't make those crocodiles, it was the cleric"
Manbearpig launched handfulls of fire, the much larger Ash stabbed, Tribby evoked her magic missiles, and Jay El doomed the Ogre with an evil, degenerative spell.
Poonose whirled, seeing the source of his rage and ran towards her. Ash attempted to seize this opportunity, but missed in the commotion; Tribby saw him coming, and landed a single, thunderous blow to his noggin.
"Leave... Skuh... skid...maaark...... ah...alooo..nnnne..." he cried, as he succumbed to his wounds, gripping Tribby's fur in a failed attempt to take her with him.
Manbearpig attempted to shoot him with an arrow and missed. "Dang."
(They looted his corpse)
[+1 hide armor, +1 greatclub, ring of protection +1]
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"Oh shit." he summarized.
"ooooh shit, oh shit, ooooh shit!" He continued.
Ash launched at the Ogre in an effort to draw his fire. Gluestick reared up in fear, but Manbearpig's ability as a rider proved more powerful than Gluestick's need to GTFO. Shitanya, seeing her moment, took a deep breath and swore a mighty shit, and launched herself at the Ogre, missing often, and doing only superficial damage.
Manbearpig quickly summoned a crocodile, hoping it would drag the ogre the fuck away, and into the water where he would stop hitting people with his tree. The crock valiantly took a quick bite from the foul-tasting ogre, but, the behemoth easily shook the creature off his leg without even turning around.
The enraged Poonose, turned to see the swearing half dragon, and pounded her like a fencepost once, twice... three times was not necessary for this lady. Her crumbled body fell to the ground, seemingly lifeless.
Jay El was about to yell some more explitives, but, then saw what Poonose'd done to Shitanya, and opted to summon a big bee instead. "Maybe he's allergic!" he thought to himself.
Ash stabbed into the Ogre with a fearsome thrust, sinking his spear deep into his upper thigh. Poonose whirled and smashed at Ash, his ears ringing from the impact. Manbearpig summoned another crocodile, whispering "sick 'em!" so as not to draw too much attention to himself.
Jay El sent out his healing magic to Tribby, watching as her bones receded back into her flesh, which healed back over top of the gruesome wounds. Her skull reformed, and her ribs gradually distended back to their proper place, and she opened her eyes.
Ash stepped back, and drank a potion of enlarge person - and grew to face this menace.
Tribby blinked. She was alive! She was conscious, and not a liquid! She backed away from the enraged Poonose in terror. The creature was still really really pissed off.
The Bee stung Poonose in the neck, and he immediately swelled up from the toxins, as they went into his bloodstream. He visibly slowed, but continued his assault, smashing the crocodiles into oblivion. Manbearpig avoided eye contact as if to say "I didn't make those crocodiles, it was the cleric"
Manbearpig launched handfulls of fire, the much larger Ash stabbed, Tribby evoked her magic missiles, and Jay El doomed the Ogre with an evil, degenerative spell.
Poonose whirled, seeing the source of his rage and ran towards her. Ash attempted to seize this opportunity, but missed in the commotion; Tribby saw him coming, and landed a single, thunderous blow to his noggin.
"Leave... Skuh... skid...maaark...... ah...alooo..nnnne..." he cried, as he succumbed to his wounds, gripping Tribby's fur in a failed attempt to take her with him.
Manbearpig attempted to shoot him with an arrow and missed. "Dang."
(They looted his corpse)
[+1 hide armor, +1 greatclub, ring of protection +1]
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May 15, 2010
Hey, mind if we leave some of our shit here?
"Hey, we're just gonna dump some of our crap here. Hope you don't mind." Ash said, rhetorically, dumping out his bag of holding's contents.
The huge pile of bloody morning stars, bloody bits of broken armor, sacks of poison, scrap metal, broken class, drano, and other fun things for the fairies to play with all spewed out.
Manbearpig smiled, and dumped Gluestick's pack's contents upon the ground as well. "Yeah, this crap was really weighing us down. Thanks again."
Tribby lifted the 250 lbs dead carcass' skin and threw it onto the heap. "Whew, glad I'm not carrying THAT disgusting thing around anymore! It looks right at home in this little fairy paradise. Adds a nice touch of... what's the word... ah, crap."
The fairies looked at the pile, and frowned, but, being the nice lil' fellers they were, quickly forgave the group their minor indiscretion. After all, they were going to pick up the pile of crap soon enough.
"So, how did it go with Poonose?"
"Poonose?" Jay El got jabbed in the ribs by Ash. "Oh right! Poonose! Yeah... ummm we got lost. Sorry."
Petal laughed at their folly. Apparently the map he'd drawn for them wasn't quite simple enough. "Okies, so, you go in a line... that way." she clarified.
"What the hell gender is Petal, anyway?" came Jay El's observation. "Meh. Whatevs."
NOW! We go to Poonose! They declared, and merrily trotted off. (Gluestick the merriest of them all, being unencumbered except for Manbearpig's ass)
The huge pile of bloody morning stars, bloody bits of broken armor, sacks of poison, scrap metal, broken class, drano, and other fun things for the fairies to play with all spewed out.
Manbearpig smiled, and dumped Gluestick's pack's contents upon the ground as well. "Yeah, this crap was really weighing us down. Thanks again."
Tribby lifted the 250 lbs dead carcass' skin and threw it onto the heap. "Whew, glad I'm not carrying THAT disgusting thing around anymore! It looks right at home in this little fairy paradise. Adds a nice touch of... what's the word... ah, crap."
The fairies looked at the pile, and frowned, but, being the nice lil' fellers they were, quickly forgave the group their minor indiscretion. After all, they were going to pick up the pile of crap soon enough.
"So, how did it go with Poonose?"
"Poonose?" Jay El got jabbed in the ribs by Ash. "Oh right! Poonose! Yeah... ummm we got lost. Sorry."
Petal laughed at their folly. Apparently the map he'd drawn for them wasn't quite simple enough. "Okies, so, you go in a line... that way." she clarified.
"What the hell gender is Petal, anyway?" came Jay El's observation. "Meh. Whatevs."
NOW! We go to Poonose! They declared, and merrily trotted off. (Gluestick the merriest of them all, being unencumbered except for Manbearpig's ass)
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May 8, 2010
The Armored Snow Suit
The group worked together to skin the huge monstrous creature, and smoked the skin so as to avoid any rotting smell.
The group had returned to its jovial nature, and Tribby paraded around with her arms sticking out of various orifices of the dead creature. "Lookit me! I'm in an armored snow suit!" she laughed.
The group needed some laughter after the fearful encounter, though Manbearbig silently took offense to the disrespect being shown to the dead, and did a silent prayer.
After a while, the group realized that they were heavily burdened by their wares. The creature's skin weighed 250lbs, and, there was still the ridiculous amount of leather armors, morning stars, scrap metal, and other random bits of crap they'd picked up along the way.
Poor gluestick was looking very much like the horseshoes he wore, and was in dire need of being relieved.
Tribby hoisted the skin and, as a group, they decided it would be best to head back to Roe, where they could unburden, sell what they did not need, and perhaps re-equip with even mightier, and hopefully lighter wares.
Taking the same route that they took, they remarked at the decaying goblins, having been picked fairly clean by the circle of life, and eventually came to an unfamiliar clearing of trees.
It seemed that, in their absence, Roe had been completely taken over by Ogres and Bugbears, who had banded together and killed the Orcs, halflings, and humans.
Shitanya smacked her forehead "d'oh! I knew I forgot to do something!"
The party looked at her sideways and waited. "uh... eeEEeaaugh?"
The group had returned to its jovial nature, and Tribby paraded around with her arms sticking out of various orifices of the dead creature. "Lookit me! I'm in an armored snow suit!" she laughed.
The group needed some laughter after the fearful encounter, though Manbearbig silently took offense to the disrespect being shown to the dead, and did a silent prayer.
After a while, the group realized that they were heavily burdened by their wares. The creature's skin weighed 250lbs, and, there was still the ridiculous amount of leather armors, morning stars, scrap metal, and other random bits of crap they'd picked up along the way.
Poor gluestick was looking very much like the horseshoes he wore, and was in dire need of being relieved.
Tribby hoisted the skin and, as a group, they decided it would be best to head back to Roe, where they could unburden, sell what they did not need, and perhaps re-equip with even mightier, and hopefully lighter wares.
Taking the same route that they took, they remarked at the decaying goblins, having been picked fairly clean by the circle of life, and eventually came to an unfamiliar clearing of trees.
It seemed that, in their absence, Roe had been completely taken over by Ogres and Bugbears, who had banded together and killed the Orcs, halflings, and humans.
Shitanya smacked her forehead "d'oh! I knew I forgot to do something!"
The party looked at her sideways and waited. "uh... eeEEeaaugh?"
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
May 7, 2010
Big Bad Bulette named Beatrice
The huge, armored creature snorted and leapt into the air, far more agilely then its frame would indicate possible, and brought down all four of its claws into Tribby's chest and stomach. Tribby winced from the pain and staggered backwards from the impact, feeling the rush of panic induced adrenaline - the pain cleared, and she realized that she wasn't dead. Her new Ogre body had saved her from what would have otherwise been a fatal blow! She roared a challenge!
Manbearpig, galloping upon Gluestick, sprang into action and flanked the creature, firing off an arrow, which glanced harmlessly off of its hide. Ash launched himself at the creature, his spear sparking and failing to find purchase as his body screamed down from the heavens, until, miraculously, it found purchase between one of the creature's plates and sunk into the flesh below.
The single minded creature bellowed and shoved him aside, renewing its attack upon Tribby, as Jay El attempted to take hold of the creature's mind "HEEEEL!" he screamed. Shitanya looked to the heavens, and called upon her holy power of being really pissed off. "sssssssHhhhHHHHHIIIIIIIIT!" she screamed, launching herself and flying into a dragon-blooded barbarian rage. The beast met her head on, her claws bouncing off the armor harmlessly, "shit, shit!" but her powerful bite sinking in and crunching through the scales. The beast roared at the nuisance, and angled its head slightly to deflect Tribby's huge club, which bounced harmlessly off the creature's huge, thick skull.
The Bulette opened its huge mouth, and the acrid stench of those who'd fallen prey to it before assaulted Tribby's newfound sense of smell, distracting her enough so that the creature's bite landed solidly into her midsection. She screamed in pain, as she felt its maw sink deep into her stomach, tearing into her internal organs.
"HEEEEEL!" Jay El screamed to no avail, as Shitanya and ash continued to thrash and stab at the armored creature. Manbearpig attempted a different approach, and launched a huge, rolling ball of fire at the rear flank of the creature.
The beast snorted and was momentarily distracted by the fire, allowing Tribby's greatclub to land with devastating impact which would have smeared to paste many a creature. She felt her club crack under the impact of the blow, and saw the bulette's head visibly shift from the impact, as it let out an injured snort of pain and frustration.
The wounded creature raised its mouth to bite Tribby a third time, though successful, it was clearly weakening from the onslaught. Manbearpig launched handfuls of fire at the creature, while his sphere of fire continued to burn the creature's back - Shitanya screamed in draconic rage and Ash thrust his spear mightily into the beast.
Tribby gathered her strength. It was her, or it, in this last attack, and both she, and the creature knew this. The huge behemoth realized it would not be able to dodge the attack and made peace with whatever gods it may have worshiped, and fell to the ground, as Tribby's thunderous blow echoed off of its skull.
Tribby fell to the ground, clutching at her insides, as the rest of the party ensured that the creature would not rear up like a bad horror movie villain, and eventually, Jay El healed her of her wounds, and consoled her on just how close to death she had come.
Tribby stood up and observed the mighty fallen creature. "I could totally wear that."
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
Manbearpig, galloping upon Gluestick, sprang into action and flanked the creature, firing off an arrow, which glanced harmlessly off of its hide. Ash launched himself at the creature, his spear sparking and failing to find purchase as his body screamed down from the heavens, until, miraculously, it found purchase between one of the creature's plates and sunk into the flesh below.
The single minded creature bellowed and shoved him aside, renewing its attack upon Tribby, as Jay El attempted to take hold of the creature's mind "HEEEEL!" he screamed. Shitanya looked to the heavens, and called upon her holy power of being really pissed off. "sssssssHhhhHHHHHIIIIIIIIT!" she screamed, launching herself and flying into a dragon-blooded barbarian rage. The beast met her head on, her claws bouncing off the armor harmlessly, "shit, shit!" but her powerful bite sinking in and crunching through the scales. The beast roared at the nuisance, and angled its head slightly to deflect Tribby's huge club, which bounced harmlessly off the creature's huge, thick skull.
The Bulette opened its huge mouth, and the acrid stench of those who'd fallen prey to it before assaulted Tribby's newfound sense of smell, distracting her enough so that the creature's bite landed solidly into her midsection. She screamed in pain, as she felt its maw sink deep into her stomach, tearing into her internal organs.
"HEEEEEL!" Jay El screamed to no avail, as Shitanya and ash continued to thrash and stab at the armored creature. Manbearpig attempted a different approach, and launched a huge, rolling ball of fire at the rear flank of the creature.
The beast snorted and was momentarily distracted by the fire, allowing Tribby's greatclub to land with devastating impact which would have smeared to paste many a creature. She felt her club crack under the impact of the blow, and saw the bulette's head visibly shift from the impact, as it let out an injured snort of pain and frustration.
The wounded creature raised its mouth to bite Tribby a third time, though successful, it was clearly weakening from the onslaught. Manbearpig launched handfuls of fire at the creature, while his sphere of fire continued to burn the creature's back - Shitanya screamed in draconic rage and Ash thrust his spear mightily into the beast.
Tribby gathered her strength. It was her, or it, in this last attack, and both she, and the creature knew this. The huge behemoth realized it would not be able to dodge the attack and made peace with whatever gods it may have worshiped, and fell to the ground, as Tribby's thunderous blow echoed off of its skull.
Tribby fell to the ground, clutching at her insides, as the rest of the party ensured that the creature would not rear up like a bad horror movie villain, and eventually, Jay El healed her of her wounds, and consoled her on just how close to death she had come.
Tribby stood up and observed the mighty fallen creature. "I could totally wear that."
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
Apr 22, 2010
Ants, Allegories, Alligators & Ass whuppin'
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Apr 17, 2010
We're really, really good - honest!
Meanwhile... back at the jovial post-genocidal campfire, our group of lawful or at least good characters all sleep the sleep of the guiltless, dreaming of gum drops, rainbows, and the killing of innocents, only interrupted occasionally due to Gluestick's friggin' botched listening check. "IZZATANORC? IzzzzzATanORC?" all friggen night.
Finally, when it WAS an Orc (or 4, in this case), the Horse was busy elsewhere.
It was at this point, that something akin to the nocturnal emissions Spiderman may have undergone during his pubescent years, occurred.
Everyone woke up, covered in a very sticky substance. Orcs thwacked Tribby on the head with a club, and dragged her off.
Jay El, magically able to move, or perhaps simply well practiced at waking up in the middle of the night covered in a sticky substance, attempted to free himself with a well practiced knifing. Didn't work. He somehow ran over to Ash, stole his Falshion, and again sliced at his goo. Didn't quiiite work. Ash headbutted one orc and liquefied him. Everyone ooooh-ed, but nobody aaahh-ed. Though the Ork did spluraaaaftch.
Manbearpig courageously and perfectly burst free from his sticky and icky prison, while Gluestick acted as an ineffective buffer against an ineffective Orc as they both girl-fighted at each other wildly.
Eventually, all the Orcs but one were vanquished, but alas, not before Tribby could be carted away and her abductor could light a smokestick, making tracking her through the thick forest somewhat difficult.
Manbearpig used the magical equivilant of nitros and launched Gluestick into the thick forest blind. Needless to say, they promptly ran into a tree.
~~~~
Tribby regains consciousness. She appears to be tied up, naked, and in the presence of a rather large, rather angry, rather... large, Orc. "At least he's royalty" Tribby rationalized, noticing his necklace bounce off his chest as he raped the bejeezus out of her.
Shitanya, having been riding all day and night is arriving at the Orc village around dawn.
The village is still smoking, though the fire is out, and it appears to be guarded primarily by the male children (aged between 4 and 12) who aren't sure weather or not to give her passage or not, but that's primarily because she hasn't given them a reason to. Putting aside her passion for law and order, Shitanya decided that the direct approach is best and shoved the guard out of the way, who promptly shot her in the chest (natural 20, btw - go kid!), causing her to rethink her strategy.
"Oh! Right. Yeah, there's all kinds of horrible things happening that I don't remember exactly and plague and pestilence and I wet the bed when I was young and... oh yeah, I have a message from somewhere." She explained, pulling the arrow out of her chest and wrapping said message in the bloody bolt and returning it to its owner.
The tiny guard squinted at her. A crazy rambling forgetful half dragon monk lady being his first kill would be pretty bad ass, and that previous shot had been awesome... Having said that, the now-partially-obscured-by-blood message looked like it had been important at one point.
... The Orc child sighed. He'd just have to kill a boar like every other kid.
He told her to wait there, and got Nic-nuk, his dimwitted, spear-toting little brother to go get the Chief.
Nic-Nuk returned, and, giggling, informed his older brother that the Chief was busy, and explained in detail as to how.
The Orc child laughed, and informed the strange rambling dragonlady that she'd have to wait.
~~~~
Manbearpig regained consciousness, Gluestick popped his shoulder back into place, and everyone healed everyone and arrived at the Orc village.
Jay El took the leadership position, and surmised that this time the basic rules of engagement should be gone over ahead of time, so as to avoid the brutal slaying of innocent women and children. Ash objected to most of his tactics due to their lack of efficiency, but acquiesced that, if it would get the party moving forward, that it was fine.
The party walked up and stared angrily at the child guard, and intimidated the crap out of him. Shitanya decided to frown too, though she wasn't sure why. She then got distracted by a fly buzzing near her head.
The party walked in, past the cowering children, and past the now frightened Orc women. Shitanya jogged to catch up. "Hi!" she attempted. Introductions would have to wait, as, the removal of Orc penis would soon take precedence.
"I-I-I w-a-a-a-s s-s-s-ma-a-a-l-l d-o-o-o-w-n th-e-e-e-re" came Tribby's screaming objections as the Sea sluggedly equipped Orc continued to ravish her.
Shitanya took the lead, and attempted to grab the Orc. Unsure as to how, she failed utterly and landed on Tribby instead. But, the Orc missed his own startled attacks (both of them...) and she recovered, and, lawfully ripped off his genitals, thus, disarming him.
Jay El healed over the stump.
They gathered up their belongings, found some neat stuff, and headed back to Roe. Nic-Nuck watched them go, the bloody MESSAGE OF IMPENDING DOOM clutched hard in his tiny, terrified hand.
They divvied up the loot, Manbearpig taking the smokesticks, Jay El took the thunderstone, Ash took the acid, Tribby, the magic gloves, and Shitanya took the Alchemist's fire. And walked casually back to Roe, taking time to heal and rest and tell each other their basic back stories.
Upon making it to town, the group decided to go check out Gustoff's magic shop, and give him the tidy sum of 5 gold in exchange for a 125 gold spell, access to his arcane wisdom, and to put towards the repairs of his shop. Gustoff would charge them 100 gold for the spell, as he (for some unknown reason) likes the party, but, after some impressively poor negotiations were done they managed to get Gustoff to lower his price to 130 gold.
It was then, that the party all decided to give in to plot devices, and touch their friggen gems together. And low and behold, there was plot.
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
Finally, when it WAS an Orc (or 4, in this case), the Horse was busy elsewhere.
It was at this point, that something akin to the nocturnal emissions Spiderman may have undergone during his pubescent years, occurred.
Everyone woke up, covered in a very sticky substance. Orcs thwacked Tribby on the head with a club, and dragged her off.
Jay El, magically able to move, or perhaps simply well practiced at waking up in the middle of the night covered in a sticky substance, attempted to free himself with a well practiced knifing. Didn't work. He somehow ran over to Ash, stole his Falshion, and again sliced at his goo. Didn't quiiite work. Ash headbutted one orc and liquefied him. Everyone ooooh-ed, but nobody aaahh-ed. Though the Ork did spluraaaaftch.
Manbearpig courageously and perfectly burst free from his sticky and icky prison, while Gluestick acted as an ineffective buffer against an ineffective Orc as they both girl-fighted at each other wildly.
Eventually, all the Orcs but one were vanquished, but alas, not before Tribby could be carted away and her abductor could light a smokestick, making tracking her through the thick forest somewhat difficult.
Manbearpig used the magical equivilant of nitros and launched Gluestick into the thick forest blind. Needless to say, they promptly ran into a tree.
~~~~
Tribby regains consciousness. She appears to be tied up, naked, and in the presence of a rather large, rather angry, rather... large, Orc. "At least he's royalty" Tribby rationalized, noticing his necklace bounce off his chest as he raped the bejeezus out of her.
Shitanya, having been riding all day and night is arriving at the Orc village around dawn.
The village is still smoking, though the fire is out, and it appears to be guarded primarily by the male children (aged between 4 and 12) who aren't sure weather or not to give her passage or not, but that's primarily because she hasn't given them a reason to. Putting aside her passion for law and order, Shitanya decided that the direct approach is best and shoved the guard out of the way, who promptly shot her in the chest (natural 20, btw - go kid!), causing her to rethink her strategy.
"Oh! Right. Yeah, there's all kinds of horrible things happening that I don't remember exactly and plague and pestilence and I wet the bed when I was young and... oh yeah, I have a message from somewhere." She explained, pulling the arrow out of her chest and wrapping said message in the bloody bolt and returning it to its owner.
The tiny guard squinted at her. A crazy rambling forgetful half dragon monk lady being his first kill would be pretty bad ass, and that previous shot had been awesome... Having said that, the now-partially-obscured-by-blood message looked like it had been important at one point.
... The Orc child sighed. He'd just have to kill a boar like every other kid.
He told her to wait there, and got Nic-nuk, his dimwitted, spear-toting little brother to go get the Chief.
Nic-Nuk returned, and, giggling, informed his older brother that the Chief was busy, and explained in detail as to how.
The Orc child laughed, and informed the strange rambling dragonlady that she'd have to wait.
~~~~
Manbearpig regained consciousness, Gluestick popped his shoulder back into place, and everyone healed everyone and arrived at the Orc village.
Jay El took the leadership position, and surmised that this time the basic rules of engagement should be gone over ahead of time, so as to avoid the brutal slaying of innocent women and children. Ash objected to most of his tactics due to their lack of efficiency, but acquiesced that, if it would get the party moving forward, that it was fine.
The party walked up and stared angrily at the child guard, and intimidated the crap out of him. Shitanya decided to frown too, though she wasn't sure why. She then got distracted by a fly buzzing near her head.
The party walked in, past the cowering children, and past the now frightened Orc women. Shitanya jogged to catch up. "Hi!" she attempted. Introductions would have to wait, as, the removal of Orc penis would soon take precedence.
"I-I-I w-a-a-a-s s-s-s-ma-a-a-l-l d-o-o-o-w-n th-e-e-e-re" came Tribby's screaming objections as the Sea sluggedly equipped Orc continued to ravish her.
Shitanya took the lead, and attempted to grab the Orc. Unsure as to how, she failed utterly and landed on Tribby instead. But, the Orc missed his own startled attacks (both of them...) and she recovered, and, lawfully ripped off his genitals, thus, disarming him.
Jay El healed over the stump.
They gathered up their belongings, found some neat stuff, and headed back to Roe. Nic-Nuck watched them go, the bloody MESSAGE OF IMPENDING DOOM clutched hard in his tiny, terrified hand.
They divvied up the loot, Manbearpig taking the smokesticks, Jay El took the thunderstone, Ash took the acid, Tribby, the magic gloves, and Shitanya took the Alchemist's fire. And walked casually back to Roe, taking time to heal and rest and tell each other their basic back stories.
Upon making it to town, the group decided to go check out Gustoff's magic shop, and give him the tidy sum of 5 gold in exchange for a 125 gold spell, access to his arcane wisdom, and to put towards the repairs of his shop. Gustoff would charge them 100 gold for the spell, as he (for some unknown reason) likes the party, but, after some impressively poor negotiations were done they managed to get Gustoff to lower his price to 130 gold.
It was then, that the party all decided to give in to plot devices, and touch their friggen gems together. And low and behold, there was plot.
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
Apr 16, 2010
Noobtastic Planning.
The next morning...
"Ah, its good to be alive, and its nice to be good." Jay El remarked, refreshed from his morning prayer.
"..." Said Manbearpig, scratching his ear and wondering which side of his hair to twig.
"Well, let's go look for some adventure!" Ash prompted, pointedly looking at the universe so as for it to provide some sort of direction. The gems in his pocket did their very best to kick him in the testicles, but they were an elusive target.
"Oh hey!" Tribby remarked. "I have one of those gems by the way."
"You do?" Jay El queried. "Man. What are the odds?"
"I know right?"
"Yeah. Well, so anyway, what do you guys want to do?"
"Hmmm... want to go to the tavern and ask for any weirdness around town?"
"Sure, we could do that. Yeah."
Not much happened. Although Ash got pretty excited about someone complaining about the increasing amounts of thefts in town by an unknown group.
"(sigh) Well, I found one of those incredibly unique and implausibly-popular-amongst-the-four-of-us gems the other day, too." Ash offered.
"Huh. Really?"
"Yeah."
"Man."
"Yeah."
"Well..."
"Wanna see where I found it? It was on this Orc fellah. He... was dead when I got there."
"Oh! That sounds questy. Sure, let's do that."
The horse looked up and did its best to prompt "But don't we already ha..."
"Shh! We're questing!"
"Yeah! Stupid horse."
And so the party made their way to the semi-liquid and now semi-putrid Orc.
The four of them possessing some probability shattering amounts of this unique and unidentified gem, three out of four of the party knowing full well that when the gems had been pressed together there had been magical effects, and, at the very least, that Gustoff might remark on the rarity and seemingly improbable event that had occurred, all headed out to find that Orc that Ash had killed the other day.
And, through a series of impressive rolls, tracked this Orc's trail back to its home village two days trek away.
"Okay. Well, it looks like an Orc village."
"Yeah. Definitely an Orc village."
"Hm."
"Well, we're here to... find a... shard. Right?"
"Yeah, let's go with that."
"Okay. Well, let's sneak in and look for it."
"Makes sense. Wouldn't it be pretty tiny and stuff? I mean, what if its in someone's pocket?"
"Either way, we should sneak in."
"Yeah. Send the bearpig."
"MANbearpig"
"Yeah, Manbearpig. You're up."
"Okay!"
Manbearpig's horse, Gluestick, thought to itself how easy it would be to climb a tree if one wanted to scope out the village. The fence being about 10 feet high. It stomped its foot on the ground three times in an effort to explain its brilliant stratagem.
"Shut your horse up, meatpig! We're creating a plan!" Ash barked.
And what a plan it was.
They cast whisper, so as to be able to communicate, and obscuring mist, on the main gate, so the orcs wouldn't be able to see them sneaking in.
A perfect plan.
Manbearpig made his way to the gate, climbed up and looked in. It was all very foggy, and misty.
This made his survalience more difficult.
He opted to see how many Orcs he could hear.
He also ascertained that the door was barred with a rather large log, and that it would be very difficult for him to lift it, he not being an Orc.
Stumbling his way through the fog, he listened intently. "Yes... okay, I hear one talking about taxes, and at least one snoring, while yet another is playing the drums..." it was slightly difficult for him to tell all the different sounds apart. Harder still, was it for him to hear the sound of the gem. But, as far as he knew, it never really made a noise anyway, so he couldn't be faulted for that. There was a fairly big party going on, by the sounds of things.
He made his way through the fog, and saw some tents.
"Awesome." He said to himself (and thus the people on the other end of the whisper spell, who were discussing on weather or not the whisper spell extended to them in, thankfully, fairly whispered tones) and, figuring there might be some pretty cool... things... inside, attempted to move silently towards the tents, and failed utterly.
If Orcs had access to vinyl records, now would be the time where their song would scratch and the music would instantly stop. However, they didn't, so, they just kind of stopped drumming and a few battle cries erupted instead. It was kind of like a scene out of a teen movie where the nerd shows up and the frat boys are all like "what are you doing here" kind of deal, but, with Orcs, axes, and a Druid.
"FIRE ME BOY!" Ash bellowed, taking a running leap and slamming into the wall. "I'm okay." he wheezed.
Tribby and Jay El ran up to the gate and looked at it with stern looks.
Orcs, seeing people who weren't part of their household, being in their household, defended said household from said people, and ineptly attacked the magnanimous Manbearpig, who lit them, and their houses, on fire. "Burn orc bitches!" was not what he said.
Ash climbed down, breathing hard from the impact, but unscathed, and ran full on into the immense gate, cracking the large log that was keeping it shut, exactly in half. He took a second to look pretty darn smug about it. "huh huh, running into things will always win, because things can't dodge." he gloated, rubbing his sore head and balls.
Tribby looked at the gate, Jay El looked at Tribby's breasts when Tribby wasn't looking, then, looked back at the gate.
"Shit piss fuck ow sonova!" was not what the rather quiet druid said as he was stabbed to death by the enraged owner of one of the burning houses.
The mighty Ash heaved half the door's barrier out of the way.
"Y'know, we could climb over." Jay El suggested, having had his fill of cleavage.
"Good idea!" Tribby replied, and thus they climbed over. Tribby struggled a little, but Jay El made it over like a Jackrabbit and readied his whacking mace.
Ash swore under his breath. "Wish everyone could friggin' jump over the friggin'..." he lifted the other barrier off the wall. "There! At least now we can... get... in... okay, well... now we can... get OUT! At least. I'm useful god damn it!"
"OW! Bloody orc with your smegging..." is not what Manbearpig said, as his rather motivated stabber continued with his work. And a burning, panicking woman ran by screaming something undoubtedly similar to "ow ow I'm on fire" in Orc.
"I'll save you!" yelled Jay El and Ash with varying levels of conviction.
Tribby jumped down, put her back to Ash, and launched a cone of fire behind everyone, at nothing in particular. The wall lit on fire, but thankfully, the gate wasn't engulfed.
"I'm covering our exit!" she exclaimed as the battle went on around them.
Jay El healed the bloody druid's wounds as Ash did what Ash did best (though without the jumping) and eventually everyone but Ash was back at the burning gates. Tribby, hoping nobody blamed her for the fire, went back towards the flames she'd created, and readied her crossbow for the next Orc she saw, which happened to be a terrified child.
Thankfully, she failed to hit the child, and hit its panicking mother who was attempting to catch it before it got too close to this lawful good band of marauders, instead.
"No biggie!" She pipped, and reloaded her crossbow for another shot.
"What the fuck!?" Screamed the rather upset Cleric
"Hey, what'd I miss?" Ash retorted, brushing the remains of the Orc child's father off his shoulder.
"Nothing important. I'm going to look for that gem." Tribby replied.
"You... we... there's..." came Jay El's continued indignation.
Manbearpig did not comment, but also did not kill any more innocent Orcs with balls of fire launched from his hands. He'd found it somewhat distasteful, burning unarmed women and children, and, for some reason, felt it best to withdraw. At least, this is what the party assumed from his silence.
"Oh, sweet. Yeah, detect magic." Ash suggested. "Who shot the unarmed woman over there? Man, right in the throat! There's a shitty way to die. Is she still burbling?"
"Yeah, that was me. She was thrashing a few seconds earlier. Hey, I'll detect magic, but, if I find anything, we should split it only 50/50, because those feebs want to leave."
"Yeah, that seems fair. You find it, and I'll go get it."
"Righto."
"YOU FUCKING KILLED A..." continued the Cleric, who attempted to snatch the gem from Tribby's neck SO POORLY that it did not even seem as though he'd attempted to do anything but simply gesture in disgust.
"Yep, I'm getting sssssomething..." she mumbled to herself as the Orc woman twitched her last twitch and her now orphaned child let out a wail of sorrow upon finding its buchered father.
"I am SO FREAKING OUT OF HERE!" Jay El screeched. Manbearpig, whose full name was silent bobmarepig, continued to stare forward for a moment.
"Yep, clearly there's some mega magic here... that's mostly plot devices though...
As an afterthought, Manbearpig followed Jay El.
"ah, there we go, there's a really minor source of magic."
"Hm. The others took off. Wanna go?"
"...yeeeeah.... I guess."
"Because we could stay. We could starve them out, and pick them off one by one as they tried to leave."
"That's true... and if we did, we'd probably get upwards of twelve gold pieces and some burnt leather."
"Shit, that sounds like its worth commiting more atrocities... but... its getting late."
"Yeah, let's go with the party."
"Okay."
And so, the night concluded with the party walking away, leaving the Orcs to their screaming sounds of anguish, pain, frustration, anger and despair.
After a time, they decided to make camp, and bunk down for the night. I mean, what could possibly go wrong at this point?
XP AWARDED:
Tibby 743
MBP 1350
JL 1417
Ash 1484
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
"Ah, its good to be alive, and its nice to be good." Jay El remarked, refreshed from his morning prayer.
"..." Said Manbearpig, scratching his ear and wondering which side of his hair to twig.
"Well, let's go look for some adventure!" Ash prompted, pointedly looking at the universe so as for it to provide some sort of direction. The gems in his pocket did their very best to kick him in the testicles, but they were an elusive target.
"Oh hey!" Tribby remarked. "I have one of those gems by the way."
"You do?" Jay El queried. "Man. What are the odds?"
"I know right?"
"Yeah. Well, so anyway, what do you guys want to do?"
"Hmmm... want to go to the tavern and ask for any weirdness around town?"
"Sure, we could do that. Yeah."
Not much happened. Although Ash got pretty excited about someone complaining about the increasing amounts of thefts in town by an unknown group.
"(sigh) Well, I found one of those incredibly unique and implausibly-popular-amongst-the-four-of-us gems the other day, too." Ash offered.
"Huh. Really?"
"Yeah."
"Man."
"Yeah."
"Well..."
"Wanna see where I found it? It was on this Orc fellah. He... was dead when I got there."
"Oh! That sounds questy. Sure, let's do that."
The horse looked up and did its best to prompt "But don't we already ha..."
"Shh! We're questing!"
"Yeah! Stupid horse."
And so the party made their way to the semi-liquid and now semi-putrid Orc.
The four of them possessing some probability shattering amounts of this unique and unidentified gem, three out of four of the party knowing full well that when the gems had been pressed together there had been magical effects, and, at the very least, that Gustoff might remark on the rarity and seemingly improbable event that had occurred, all headed out to find that Orc that Ash had killed the other day.
And, through a series of impressive rolls, tracked this Orc's trail back to its home village two days trek away.
"Okay. Well, it looks like an Orc village."
"Yeah. Definitely an Orc village."
"Hm."
"Well, we're here to... find a... shard. Right?"
"Yeah, let's go with that."
"Okay. Well, let's sneak in and look for it."
"Makes sense. Wouldn't it be pretty tiny and stuff? I mean, what if its in someone's pocket?"
"Either way, we should sneak in."
"Yeah. Send the bearpig."
"MANbearpig"
"Yeah, Manbearpig. You're up."
"Okay!"
Manbearpig's horse, Gluestick, thought to itself how easy it would be to climb a tree if one wanted to scope out the village. The fence being about 10 feet high. It stomped its foot on the ground three times in an effort to explain its brilliant stratagem.
"Shut your horse up, meatpig! We're creating a plan!" Ash barked.
And what a plan it was.
They cast whisper, so as to be able to communicate, and obscuring mist, on the main gate, so the orcs wouldn't be able to see them sneaking in.
A perfect plan.
Manbearpig made his way to the gate, climbed up and looked in. It was all very foggy, and misty.
This made his survalience more difficult.
He opted to see how many Orcs he could hear.
He also ascertained that the door was barred with a rather large log, and that it would be very difficult for him to lift it, he not being an Orc.
Stumbling his way through the fog, he listened intently. "Yes... okay, I hear one talking about taxes, and at least one snoring, while yet another is playing the drums..." it was slightly difficult for him to tell all the different sounds apart. Harder still, was it for him to hear the sound of the gem. But, as far as he knew, it never really made a noise anyway, so he couldn't be faulted for that. There was a fairly big party going on, by the sounds of things.
He made his way through the fog, and saw some tents.
"Awesome." He said to himself (and thus the people on the other end of the whisper spell, who were discussing on weather or not the whisper spell extended to them in, thankfully, fairly whispered tones) and, figuring there might be some pretty cool... things... inside, attempted to move silently towards the tents, and failed utterly.
If Orcs had access to vinyl records, now would be the time where their song would scratch and the music would instantly stop. However, they didn't, so, they just kind of stopped drumming and a few battle cries erupted instead. It was kind of like a scene out of a teen movie where the nerd shows up and the frat boys are all like "what are you doing here" kind of deal, but, with Orcs, axes, and a Druid.
"FIRE ME BOY!" Ash bellowed, taking a running leap and slamming into the wall. "I'm okay." he wheezed.
Tribby and Jay El ran up to the gate and looked at it with stern looks.
Orcs, seeing people who weren't part of their household, being in their household, defended said household from said people, and ineptly attacked the magnanimous Manbearpig, who lit them, and their houses, on fire. "Burn orc bitches!" was not what he said.
Ash climbed down, breathing hard from the impact, but unscathed, and ran full on into the immense gate, cracking the large log that was keeping it shut, exactly in half. He took a second to look pretty darn smug about it. "huh huh, running into things will always win, because things can't dodge." he gloated, rubbing his sore head and balls.
Tribby looked at the gate, Jay El looked at Tribby's breasts when Tribby wasn't looking, then, looked back at the gate.
"Shit piss fuck ow sonova!" was not what the rather quiet druid said as he was stabbed to death by the enraged owner of one of the burning houses.
The mighty Ash heaved half the door's barrier out of the way.
"Y'know, we could climb over." Jay El suggested, having had his fill of cleavage.
"Good idea!" Tribby replied, and thus they climbed over. Tribby struggled a little, but Jay El made it over like a Jackrabbit and readied his whacking mace.
Ash swore under his breath. "Wish everyone could friggin' jump over the friggin'..." he lifted the other barrier off the wall. "There! At least now we can... get... in... okay, well... now we can... get OUT! At least. I'm useful god damn it!"
"OW! Bloody orc with your smegging..." is not what Manbearpig said, as his rather motivated stabber continued with his work. And a burning, panicking woman ran by screaming something undoubtedly similar to "ow ow I'm on fire" in Orc.
"I'll save you!" yelled Jay El and Ash with varying levels of conviction.
Tribby jumped down, put her back to Ash, and launched a cone of fire behind everyone, at nothing in particular. The wall lit on fire, but thankfully, the gate wasn't engulfed.
"I'm covering our exit!" she exclaimed as the battle went on around them.
Jay El healed the bloody druid's wounds as Ash did what Ash did best (though without the jumping) and eventually everyone but Ash was back at the burning gates. Tribby, hoping nobody blamed her for the fire, went back towards the flames she'd created, and readied her crossbow for the next Orc she saw, which happened to be a terrified child.
Thankfully, she failed to hit the child, and hit its panicking mother who was attempting to catch it before it got too close to this lawful good band of marauders, instead.
"No biggie!" She pipped, and reloaded her crossbow for another shot.
"What the fuck!?" Screamed the rather upset Cleric
"Hey, what'd I miss?" Ash retorted, brushing the remains of the Orc child's father off his shoulder.
"Nothing important. I'm going to look for that gem." Tribby replied.
"You... we... there's..." came Jay El's continued indignation.
Manbearpig did not comment, but also did not kill any more innocent Orcs with balls of fire launched from his hands. He'd found it somewhat distasteful, burning unarmed women and children, and, for some reason, felt it best to withdraw. At least, this is what the party assumed from his silence.
"Oh, sweet. Yeah, detect magic." Ash suggested. "Who shot the unarmed woman over there? Man, right in the throat! There's a shitty way to die. Is she still burbling?"
"Yeah, that was me. She was thrashing a few seconds earlier. Hey, I'll detect magic, but, if I find anything, we should split it only 50/50, because those feebs want to leave."
"Yeah, that seems fair. You find it, and I'll go get it."
"Righto."
"YOU FUCKING KILLED A..." continued the Cleric, who attempted to snatch the gem from Tribby's neck SO POORLY that it did not even seem as though he'd attempted to do anything but simply gesture in disgust.
"Yep, I'm getting sssssomething..." she mumbled to herself as the Orc woman twitched her last twitch and her now orphaned child let out a wail of sorrow upon finding its buchered father.
"I am SO FREAKING OUT OF HERE!" Jay El screeched. Manbearpig, whose full name was silent bobmarepig, continued to stare forward for a moment.
"Yep, clearly there's some mega magic here... that's mostly plot devices though...
As an afterthought, Manbearpig followed Jay El.
"ah, there we go, there's a really minor source of magic."
"Hm. The others took off. Wanna go?"
"...yeeeeah.... I guess."
"Because we could stay. We could starve them out, and pick them off one by one as they tried to leave."
"That's true... and if we did, we'd probably get upwards of twelve gold pieces and some burnt leather."
"Shit, that sounds like its worth commiting more atrocities... but... its getting late."
"Yeah, let's go with the party."
"Okay."
And so, the night concluded with the party walking away, leaving the Orcs to their screaming sounds of anguish, pain, frustration, anger and despair.
After a time, they decided to make camp, and bunk down for the night. I mean, what could possibly go wrong at this point?
XP AWARDED:
Tibby 743
MBP 1350
JL 1417
Ash 1484
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
A Shwartzki like a coat hanger
Rhapsody, having not done well in her attempts to steal candy from the senile and remembering that she was remotely good, decided to be altruistic and shoot the undead with her magic missile. She succeeded in shooting it in the butt, or, at least, in the hip bone area.
The old Wizard found the spell he was looking for in one of his books and remarked "ah yes, right. that old diddy." and quickly cast a spell to retake control of his undead. "Gary, Allen, that's quite enough. Off you get, back to your posts. There's a good undead." he then turned the page and continued "ah yes, this'll help" and cast a quick silence spell upon the immobilized former-trouble-maker-who-was-formerly-charming-but-now-pretty-much-everyone-agreed-was-a-bad-guy.
~~~~
Ash decided that the local tavern was perhaps not the best place to find his ultimate nemesis, and decided to browse the fruit stands in the local marketplace. "Fucking avocados better not look at me the wrong way..." he mumbled to himself.
~~~~
"So!" Gustoff prompted "This your friend, then?"
"Yes, that's him."
"Heh, hm.... you know he's bat-shit evil, right?"
"Yes. He was cursed."
"Ah, unlucky and evil now, is he?"
"No, I mean, he was cursed into being evil."
"ooooooh, so its one of those not-evil-just-mostly-evil type situations."
"Kind of, I mean, he wasn't evil before getting cursed."
"Good, was he?"
"Oh yeah, really good even."
"Huh."
"Yeah, he was stabbed with a cursed knife, which I have."
"Do you! Well, good info to have. Alrighty, gimmie the cuh-niff."
"The..."
"Knife. The knife. Give me the cursed knife. Oy. Druids."
"You're Irish."
"Irish people can't say oy?"
"No, I mean, well, here's the knife, anyway."
"uh huh. Yep. Not cursed. Regular knife. Sorry bucko. Looks like your friend's just evil for the chicks and the booze."
"No! No, he must have been cursed. Look, he had all kinds of good things in his life, a wife, a daughter..."
"Didn't EAT them, did he?"
"What? No!"
"Good. That's bad."
"...yes."
"Alright, let's look at him a little closer and do some mumbo."
"Mumbo?"
"Jumbo!"
"W... okay."
"Druids. Alrighty, alacazamie, alacazortski, show me what's needed to unbend your shwartzki!"
"His Shwartzki is bent?"
"No, but its one of the more common reasons for people turning evi... ah! Here we are. Iiiinteresting. He has a large pink gem of an unknown type embedded in his body which is the only thing that prevented this incredibly powerful demon from killing and rising up from your friend's body." He remarked, as Jay El's chest ripped open to reveal the gem now protruding from his sternum.
"Wow, that must hurt."
"Heh. Yep."
"That there must be some kinda gem."
"Yes, a gem like that is a true rarity, in fact, I'd go as far as to say boarder-line unique."
"I have one around my neck."
"Well now. That IS a coincidence. I mean, what are the odds?"
"Pretty small, I'd say."
"Almost as if fate had put you two together eh? Well, let's put that there gem into his chest aaaaaand... well look at that, he's good again! And, looks like the crazy from the fever has dissipated too."
"Well, that was uncomfortable in an excruciatingly painful kind of way." Jay El remarked, dusting himself off and collapsing in the pain that is remorse and the pain that is pain. "Sorry about trying to kill you and all. I hope we didn't cause too much damage."
Everyone smiled and almost hugged. Everyone looked awkwardly at the girl standing in the doorway, who yelled at them that she was changing her name to Tribby. A man in the background walked by making "coo coo" noises, while another walked by singing that he'd never ever ever ever ever make a song about Tribby. But he was a cruel bard, of whom we would likely never see again.
"Okay... great." They all kind of shrugged. "So anyway, you're cursed with this demon thing, but these incredibly powerful unknown gems that we were talking about are..."
"Do you guys wanna hang out?" The newly named Tribby prompted.
"Uh... yeah. Sure." They replied, after wondering to themselves what the legal age was in Roe. "Listen, this is all really fascinating and everything Guss, but, I think we're gonna take off."
"Oh. Al... Alright then. Well, let me know if you ever want to have my free services and trash my magic shop again."
"Yeah, will do. Thanks again."
"Okay. Because not just anyone could have..."
They slammed the door and went off with the hot possibly barely-legal chick.
"I have my own bedroll!" She piped up.
"Uh huh." They all answered, clearly very interested.
"Hey!" A scary looking fellow with avocado all over his greatspear barked at the travellers.
"Uh..." they replied.
"I can hit things really, really well. Wanna hang out?"
"Uh..." they replied.
"Great. I charge one gold a day."
"See, the thing is, we're kind of... not... ummm..."
"Okay, howzabout this, we split the treasure we find 50/50."
"Well... would that... like... include emotional trauma, or... just like... money and stuff..."
"Let's just see how things go, mkay?"
"Uh... yeah. Alright. Let's go sleep together. I mean, not together-together, but, let's go to a hotel room and, sleep. I don't mean sleep... well, I do. I mean, I actually mean sleep, not like sleep-sleep, y'know, like coffee being sex, not like that, there's no sex. Well, not with you... We're all fairly ungay, I think. We don't really know. I think this young lady mentioned she had her own bedroll. But, we'd use the hotel's... tonight. This time..."
"I have charisma 10. Shut the hell up."
"Okidoki, so, to the hotel then."
Gluestick neighed in agreement. Everyone flipped out, having completely forgotten about the horse.
"...and yeah, curse is now lifted, thanks to these cool gems of immense power! I mean, I'd give pretty much anything for one of these puppies. They're like, amazing and the secret to everything and clearly important. But I've been talking for a while now. Let's move the circle over." Jay El finished.
"I'm Manbearpig. I like trees."
"Wait" Raptor-tribble, er, Rhapsody/Tribby prompted, "Your name is MANBEARPIG? Seriously?"
"..." He replied, with the utmost of presence and certainty.
"So... yeah. Those gems would be reeeally cool if we were to find one..." Jay El continued "...I mean, the implied value of these gems alone, heck, they seem pretty important and all..."
"Yeah, well, goodnight." Ash replied, tucking away his gem and going to bed. "PS, my motivation is to kill things for honor."
"Yeah well, goodnight." Tribby replied, tucking away her gem and going to bed. "PS I got kicked out of my hometown for burning things."
Jay El looked at Manbearpig. Manbearpig looked back. "What? Don't look at me, I already gave you mine."
How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
Character Development and Elderly Women with S&M Fetishes
As the honorable Manbearpig guided the noble Gluestick into town, to which the sometimes-noble-and-honorable Jay El was currently tied as he spewed feverish and outright nasty obscenities to all that would hear, he couldn't help but remember back to when the two of them were children. Each playing with their little dolls and favorite sticks, respectively, and the hours of fun they would have debating over the ethics of nailing one toy to the other in search of realism.
Now, things were different. Manbearpig rarely got to defend his sticks or even play with them. No, his had been a tale of three long years of travel, and all his life seemed to be now, was apologising for stupidface, which was the nickname he'd unconsciously given Jay El at some point along the way as his actions continued to remind him less and less of his childhood friend.
~~~~
Rhapsody made her way into town. Both thankful to have found shelter from the forests and the trails, and fearful of the new collection of hearts she seemed destined to break, and the social ostracising she seemed destined to spawn. (but not in a icky kind of way)
~~~~
Manbearpig used his incredible detective skills and inquire abilities to ascertain the exact location of Gustoff.
"Hey." He said. He expected a return response, and was planning on going from there. So great was his ability to manipulate a social encounter, that he was literally improvising this one as it went.
"Good afternoon. Are ye aware that you have a stick in your hair Lad?" Came back the unexpectedly complicated reply.
"...yes." Manbearpig replied, for he was. "I put it there." he elaborated.
"...ah." The barkeep replied. "ssso..."
"I'm looking for Gustoff." He interrupted. Figuring it best to state his business before any other items of his personage were awkwardly pointed out.
"I'm an NPC" the barkeep replied. "I mean, his shop's over there, on that street, close to that thing, in the marketplace. You could miss it, but, you won't, because it's a good idea if you get over there as that's pretty much where this story's plot begins."
~~~~
"YEAH! FUCK YOU!" Ash continued, screaming at the liquefied Orc, kicking various pieces of it. "MESS YOU UP!" he continued, before searching and sifting his person for treasure. "...Teach that fucker to look in any way like he was up to no good..." he mumbled to himself, riding a sweet ride of adrenalin to which he'd become addicted as he eventually found a small, unliquefied pink gem.
~~~~
Ding da ding ding came the sweet chimes over Gustoff's door, as the entwigged Manbearpig entered in as magestic a manner as he was currently able. "Hey! Manboarswi, er, Manpigbe..."
"Gustoff!" Manbearpig interrupted, knowing that Gustoff's shop was more likely to close in a few hours than its owner was likely at remembering his name. Though once having been truly fantastic at adventuring, Gustoff now spent most of his time collecting memory and health enhancing artifacts, so that he could remember where he kept his other memory and health enhancing potions.
His prices had always been fair - many believed it was because he enjoyed hearing the stories of adventurers he supplied, and living vicariously through the ones that lived long enough to do so.
Gustoff himself had quite a story, but, that was another adventure altogether. The short version, is that he's pretty old and senile now, and has most of his food delivered, as having undead pick up your pizza can sometimes lead to chipping a tooth on a misplaced pinky bone.
"Hey man!" Gustoff finally finished, giving up on the exercise of naming for until after he rummaged and found another memory-stone to orbit his already somewhat cluttered upper cranium.
As Manbearpig unveiled his tale of woe in as few words as possible to Gustoff, feeling it best to be vague and general in many areas, Jay El did his best to plead with an elderly woman to let him go.
~~~~
Meanwhile, Jay El, still quite mad and quite evil, was continuing to plead with an elderly woman "...And he beats me, and humps me..." he continued, somewhat unconvincingly.
The Woman looked at him with a strange amount of lust in her eyes "Then what does he do to you, you naughty boy?" Jay El gave up temporarily.
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