Hit 'em high, hit 'em high

The group landed in a icy cave, and noted that the icy walls were filled with diamonds, as well as seemingly masterwork items, rings, pendents, cloaks, and a few lesser gems and seemingly mundane items as well.

"Jackpot!" Yelled Raelin as the group landed upon a icy mound which roared and stood up upon their descent.

"Dragon!" yelled Ash, and, silently to himself, "(about friggin' time)"

The white dragon roared its challenge upon the party and shot fourth its icy breath, freezing many of them in place while Ash and Raelin managed to dodge in time.

"I'll hit him high!" is what one of them should have yelled, or, optionally "you hit him low" would have worked just as well, assuming cooperative and amicable teamwork.

However, Ash jumped high, and Raelin shot fireball high.  Both... hit the dragon.  One hit the dragon... and Ash, who steamed, angrily (and due to the heat).

"Totally accidental!" Raelin yelped, surprisingly sincere.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Xylophone Ribs

Tribby smashed and cleaved through the ribs of multiple skeletons, making a pleasant sequence of notes upon their bodies with her club as they were smashed asunder.  Ash yelped in surprise as 4 more of the bone creatures appeared around the room, and an invisible creature stabbed him between his own, considerably less musical ribs.  "They can go invisible!" he yelled, lashing out violently towards the supposed location of his attacker.

Med launched another scorching ray, dodging the retaliatory hail of arrows and stones.  Jay El looked to his right and noted that one of the bone demons which had just appeared was right next to him.  "oh." he said, as he was stabbed in the shoulder.

Manbearpig aimed his bow and snapped his bowstring again.  "fiddlesticks." he murmured.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

uhh... Fifty Cent?

"We're totally winning!" Tribby yelled.  Med laughed with her "Yeah!"

(it was around then that they noticed that none of the baddies had gotten to move yet)

"Oh..." Tribby attempted, as the Bone Devil slashed Ash considerably worse than he'd slashed it, and, to make matters worse, appeared to have either teleported or gone invisible.

"ssshhhiiii..." Tribby continued, as volley upon volley of stones and arrows were launched at Med, tearing through her once prudish and now somewhat Cher-ish garments.  "ttttt" Tribby continued, as the Troll Skeleton and his buddies smashed her with their arms and raked her with their claws.

Jay El stared in Terror as the Bodaks approached, but, his faith seemed to preserve him from their stares of death.

Raelin wrinkled his nose.  "Is that the Ghasts?  Yeesh." and launched a fireball.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Bone Thugs

The group entered the BOSS ROOM, and, similar to a Megaman boss level, the doors closed and vanished behind them.

"Wuh oh." Jay El grimaced, noting the rather terrifying Bone Devil in the center of the room, the Mohrgs, Bodaks, and undead Trolls.

"Wuh oh!" Med grimaced, noting the shelves of undead goblins skeletons mixed with human skeletons above them, all armed with slings and bows.

Wasting little time, Med took to the skies and fired upon the goblins above with her searing light.

Jay El took a similar approach and attacked the other side of the room.

Ash dove headlong towards the Bone Devil itself, managing to spear it with a mighty blow.

Raelin launched a fireball, and Tribby ran and smashed the nearest skeleton.

All and all, the battle was going favorably.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Inventory. Write 'er down, folks.

"So... the door actually says boss on it." Ash sighed, rolling his eyes.

Jay El smiled.  "Well, she's like, what, 5, mentally?"

"Regardless, I mock this as a concept."

"Moving forward..." Raelin prompted, clearly wishing to megahaduken something else.

The group entered the room, and saw a long hallway with a target at the end.  In front of them, was a red line.

"We should shoot that target." Ash said, announcing what, at least one would hope, the entire group was thinking.  "Does anyone have any golden arrows left?"

Everyone murmured about meaning to put it into their inventory at some point, but having completely forgotten, had, at some point, apparently, lost their arrows.

Ash sighed.  "Well, I still have the 4 that I picked up, earlier."

Manbearpig looked despondently down in the general region of his crotch.  He'd always had a hard time holding on to material goods.

Ash tossed the golden arrows to Manbearpig who, sadly, was the best shot of the group.

Manbearpig looked down at the arrows, back up at Ash, back down at the bow, back up at Ash, over to Raelin, back at the ENTIRE WORLD AND ALL ITS OCCUPANTS ENCOMPASSED INTO A SINGLE POINT IN SPACE (otherwise known as the DM) and, eventually, took the shot.

"Dang." he sighed.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Kame Hame Huh?

"How did you do that!?" Ash asked Raelin, who was still standing there as chunks of toasted Hydra fell all around him, vibrating his fist above his head like Bruce Lee after breaking someone's spine.

"eeeeAAAaaa...eh?  How'd I do what?" he said, putting away his vibrating palm of fury.

"The whole nuke-the-entire-hydra-with-one-blast, thing."

"Oh.  Well, the DM doesn't know how the rules apply to a hydra's multiple heads."

"Ah."

"Good enough for me.  Let's go back to the ice thing."

DM's Note:  Okay no, this conversation didn't happen, but, it will explain to you, the reader, how such an awesome beast could be felled so easily.


[Yay for n00b DMs!]

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Hydra Battle!

One would imagine that a beast so terrifying that Ash, the fearless springer and stabber of many would recommend a retreat, would, at the very least, make an impact on the rest of the group.

However, they weren't listening to Ash, or, felt that his opinion didn't matter.

Floppily, they nakedly charged the beast.  Some floppily attacked, others floppily cast some spells which required little to no spell components.

Ash sighed and watched them all floppily run to their doom.  "Hello?" he said again, "retreat?"

"what!?" they all yelled back, getting eaten by the hydra.  "Why didn't you say so earlier!?"

: Sorry for the long delay in posts, folks.  Things are back up and running now.  We might be putting this adventure on hold and starting up a new one, but, do not fear, for the n00bs will be there, in some form or another, regardless :)

Actually, no they didn't - but they really should have.

The group explored a huge, shiny obsidian room.  There seemed to be nothing inside the vast cavern.  There was a slight rumble, and then, abruptly, an entire wall exploded as a huge, twelve headed hydra burst into the room, roaring a challenge at the naked and barely armed party.

Ash grunted, sighed, grunted again questioningly, and then finally sighed.  "It is my professional opinion that we should retreat."

Everyone stared agog.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Trauma

Ash opened the silver door, and noted that there was 19' drop "stairs" that went very, very far down.  The rest of the group smiled, they'd already figured out this particular type of puzzle.  "CLIMB DOWN!" they yelled in triumph.  (and they did!)

They entered a very dark room with a very high ceiling, filled with very scary things.  Specifically, dead people chained to walls who had clearly not died of natural causes.

The group heard a terrible rasp and suddenly, the chains were alive.  The group fought the chains valiently, but, there seemed to be a never ending supply - Ash explored deeper, and found the chain devil responsible for all the trouble, and attacked it directly.

Med looked and, falling for the creature's illusionary spell, noted that Ash was attacking her Father!  "DADDY!" she yelled, shooting a web spell at Ash and her Father in an attempt to break up the battle without harming either.

"NO!" Ash yelled, "its an illusion!"  But Med was convinced the creature was her Father.  As the battle continued, more and more of her friends attacked her Father, until, finally, Ash decapitated him with his silver sword which had turned silver the moment he'd touched it with the "cursed" ring.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Med screamed, holding out her hand in protest.

Raelin bent down and took some of the magic chains from the devil's body.  "Sweet, these things look magic!"

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Its the Ash show, starring me, I'm Ash!

It was at around this exact time that Ash pretty much did the dungeon by himself.

Maybe it was exasperation, maybe it was because he was hungry, or maybe it was because he just bloody well paid attention.

Ash jumped into the exploded remains of the undead dragon and his archer friends, and found 4 golden arrows and a bow.  He then went out into the next room, discovered that there was a huge pit, which, at the bottom, seemed to be slightly illuminated by a pair of glowing red eyes.  Reasoning that it was most likely an undead skeleton, he continued on to his right, discovering a 10' high shelf.

Hoisting himself up, he continued on.  The rest of the group stayed behind like confused roombas, finding the concept of climbing something 10' high impossible.

Solving a few minor puzzles as he went, he eventually encountered a gigantic, undead dinosaur with a golden sword within its chest.

Refusing to yell "I have at thee" he nonetheless, had at it.  Jumping and stabbing as was his trademark.

Raelin, being of reasonably high intelligence, suddenly solved the puzzle of the 10' obstruction.  "Hey...  I could climb over this!" he smiled, brilliantly.  Tribby, the 9' Ogre looked at the 10' obstruction and squinted.  The Elf's idea just, might, work.

Ash jumped and stabbed, and was swallowed by the giant tyrannosaurus!

The party gleefully climbed over the obstructions, being quite excited at their progress.

Ash, not missing a beat, smashed the creature's teeth from within, causing the creature to open its mouth in protest!

The rest of the group arrived and stared helpfully as Ash fought the giant behemoth!

Ash leapt from the creature's maw, spiderman vaulted up on an arc, and landed upon the back of the creature's skull, stabbing it once more from a vantage point where the creature was unable to counter!

Raelin snapped out of his awestruck daze first, and stabbed the creature in the big toe with the golden knife they'd acquired from the Ravid's treasure chest!  "HAH!" he yelled!

Ash continued to stab, all the while holding on as the creature thrashed violently!

"HAH!" Raelin yelled again, really poking the creature.

Tribby looked up at the creature, back at ash, back at Raelin, and asked what they were fighting.  Jay El informed her that it was the undead dragon from before.  Med mentioned that she thought they'd blown that up earlier.  The group discussed this some more while Ash screamed in bloodlust (can one have bloodlust against an undead?  Would that be bone-lust?)

Tribby ran up and attacked it with her club in the face... which was very high up.  Ash explained to her that it was still an undead tyrannosaurus rex.  Tribby apologized, and smashed it in the shin, instead.

Ash finally fell the beast and the group celebrated and discussed various aspects of the creature and what, in fact, it was.  Ash took the golden sword from the creature's chest and held it aloft.  The group asked where he'd gotten it from.

Ash headed back to the junction from which they'd came, and found a silver key was needed to unlock the door to the next area.  Manbearpig shot a golden arrow at the undead at the bottom of the pit.

Ash used the ring of poverty upon the golden key, turning it silver, and opened the door.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

I am sensing something from the DM...

The group made its way through the portal, explained to Jay El why they were now able to get through it, and discovered a new, and terrifyingly acid-filled room.

Seeing that it was terrifying, and acid-filled, everyone (including Jay El) decided not to walk into it.

The DM sighed a sigh of relief.

The group instead went back South, and entered another room, filled with furniture, and a floating Ravid.

In the center of the room, was a tell-tale chest filled with all sorts of items which were surely required to advance the plot, as well as a library no doubt filled with information everyone would need.

Tribby attempted to jump over the acid, Jay El told her that the acid was too far to jump across, Ash informed them both that they were no longer in a room with any acid.  Jay El attacked a chair.  Med checked her facebook.

Ash took the reigns and killed the Ravid, took the gold key from him, as well as a gold dagger.  He then told Tribby to smash an aluminum statue while Raelin read about the properties of Aluminum in the library.

Ash picked up the aluminum sword, and, after learning from Raelin that aluminum converted to hydrogen when exposed to acid, got Tribby to smash up the statue, re-explained why, and picked up some of the pieces, and put them into the acid room, which, after a short while, caused a rather large explosion, destroying the wall, and the undead dragon behind it.

Ash explored, found a ruby, and Manbearpig equipped a bow and 6 golden arrows dropped by the undead archers but forgot to write them down in his inventory for later.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

A glimpse into the male psyche.

Med blushed, and did her best to hide her naked form.

"Oh crap, are we still all telepathically linked?  I hope not.  Don't think about pushing that Nun's head down and..."
"YES!  WE ARE STILL TELEPATHICALLY LINKED!" Yelled Med, "STOP IT!"

"damn!  She knows!" thought everyone in the party.

Raelin paused.  "I hate all of you."

Oddly, that helped everyone regain their composure and focus.  "Right!  Let's all climb up and get the hell out of here." Ash grunted.

"Med, you go first."

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

priorities

Tribby's soul hovered for what seemed like an eternity, but, was in fact less than the time it takes to flip a coin into the air.

Which body would she take?  The one she loathed but was functional, or the one she identified with but lacked the strength to which she'd become accustomed?

Which was more important, her mind or her ability to lift heavy objects?

What was more crucial, her ability to carry on conversations, or get her daily nourishment from feces?

She made her choice, and Tribby the Ogre's eyes, snapped open just in time to grab the ledge, as the lifeless sack of Half Elf Tribby plummeted into the pit below, to be devoured completely and utterly by that which was below.

"Wow." Ash remarked.  "Med's ass is awesome."

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

56:34 / 60:00 Riddle my wrists, no wait, I mean...

The Party Entered the Room of Riddles

"Y'know, this is my first room of riddles" Med remarked to the rest of the party's surprise. 

Glowing letters appeared in front of Manbearpig.

A king had two sons. The king was getting very old and he didn't know who to give his kingdom to. So he got his sons together for a horse race. He said Whoever's horse crosses the finish line last gets my kingdom. 

So the Sons both started out moving very slow, neither one wishing to pass the other.  Eventually, they noticed an old man walking past them, who they told of their race.  He gave them some advice, and, they followed it and took off as fast as they could.  

What was the advice?

Med paused, and whispered to Manbearpig "swap horses?"

The riddle dissolved, and more of the invisible path was made walkable.

Shimmering words appeared before Ash!

Studies have proven that cheetahs have more hair on one side then on their other side. Some people believe that this is because when Cheetahs lay on their side they need insulation from the cold on the floor or ground. Which side of a cat has more hair? 

Jay El laughed, having heard this one as a child.  "The outside!"

The path elongated, and shimmering words appeared in front of Jay El

What is made of wood but has never been cut?

Jay El frowned "Why did I get the retarded one?  A tree."

The riddle faded, the path elongated, and words shimmered into Raelin's view.

A prison, a sanctuary, a shield and a cell, death would occur had it fell, no hinges nor doors nor windows nor lid, yet golden be what inside, is hid.

Ash pshawed, "a friggin egg, man.  Everyone knows that."

The words sighed, vanished, and shimmered anew in front of Tribby.

A Falcon lays 7 eggs, they hatch and are healthy.  She feeds them, cares for them, and teaches them to fly.  Half of them are boys.  How is this possible?

There was silence.

"Wait, why does Tribby get the hard one?" Jay El said, quite insulted.  "I mean..."

"Shut up!  We don't have time for this!" Raelin snapped.  "it's because the Mom counts, right?"

57:12/60 - The floor sinked slightly

"Oh crap."

The group mumbled to themselves for a bit

58:15/60  "There are two yolks in one?" The floor sunk dramatically.

Ash grunted "The flying part is important..."

59:32/60:00 "Half of them are boys, and the other half are men!" Ash laughed, jokingly

The riddle dissolved.  Apparently he'd been at least partially correct.

Raelin sighed "Whoever put us in here is going to die horribly."

Words shimmered in front of Med.  Raelin groaned.

What is the size of an elephant, lighter than a duck, which follows both creatures?

59:55 / 60:00 "Bloody... THEIR SHADOW!" Raelin screamed.

The riddles complete, and with 5 seconds to spare, the heroes darted for the resulting opening.  As they did so, they began to transform back into their bipedal, opposable thumbed, increased brain cavity selves, and, due to the remaining psychic link, heard nearly immediately what each of them thought of each other's nakedness.

What nobody expected, was that when Tribby turned back, she would split in half.  The invisible path was not big enough to support both of them and, at that moment, Tribby's consciousness had to pick.

Was she to return to the ogre body, or the half elf?

XP


 Quests
  Surviving Petal's Right Brain: 23*75 = 1725


 Killing Stuff
  Ash
    Medium Undead 100
    (Higher CR due to nudity)


 Cool Stuff
  Ash
    Megaraptor lone battle 300
    Megaraptor teeth bashin' spiderman flippin' dinosaur ridin' 300


  Ash 2425
  Jay El 1725
  Manbearpig 1725
  Med 1725
  Raelin 1725

Part 1 (No Tribby)

XP

 Quests

  Surviving Petal's Left Brain: 29*125 = 3625

 Roleplaying

  Med

  wanting to smash stuff in new body 20

  Raelin

  inner monologue 50

  Manbearpig

  Mr. Ed voice 50

 Honors (+5% p/successful creative solution)

Med 17.5%

Raelin 25%

Ash 27.5%

Jay El 10%

  Med (3625+20)*1.175 = 4283

  Raelin (3625+50)*1.25 = 4594

  Ash (3625)*1.275 = 4622

  Jay El (3625)*1.1 = 3988

  Manbearpig (3625+50)*1 = 3675

53:60 / 60:00 - Tick tock!

The party entered a large, five sided room with a huge, deep, dark pit being its only feature.  At the bottom came the sound of rattling bones.

"Those bones sound undead." Ash grunted.

"Man, how do we get across?" Raelin squeaked, noticing Ash's increased lewd stares towards his general direction.  

"Now you know how I feel" Med replied.

"We could use the spiderwalk potion on the duckephant, ride her across..."

"could go back and get all the ropes, tie them together..."

"go down and kill all the undead..."

"SAND!"

Everyone stopped.  "Sand?"

Med smiled, "Yeah, sand!"

Everyone riiiiiiight-ed.  "Oh yeah, the riddle.  Sand.  Okay..."

"So we need sand.  There was that pit of quick to medium quicksand." 

"Right!"

"So what do we do with it?"

"Does the undead snake have skin?"

"No."

"Hm.  No sack-option, then."

"That was creative."

"Thanks."

"Could we superheat the eye dropper we used to drop the potion on tribby, and bend it around the corners, and use it to transport the sand?"

"...no."

"Okay..."

Eventually, they went back, grabbed a handful of sand, and threw it into the pit, showing an invisible bridge.

"Ooooh, like that movie!" they all ooohed.  "Right right."

They ran back, got more sand, and made clear the method with which they were to cross.

They all celebrated and took a moment to congratulate each other on their collective intelligence.

"I'm the most edible creature here - hurry the fuck up!" Raelin interjected.

:
  How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?
53/60 Raelin: "I'm the most edible creature here, hurry the fuck up."

50:22 / 60:00 You, solve the antilife equation!

The group opened up the door, and was met with a riddle, the answer was sand, but Ash swore the answer was time.  Regardless, eventually, Med got the answer "right".

After that, nothing seemed to happen, which was something of a let down.  There'd been a riddle on a wall, they'd answered the riddle, and nothing had happened.

Previous DND experiences had not prepared them for this.  (it was at this point that it occured to the DM to start putting riddles randomly on all sorts of walls, simply to detain the party - however, in this case, answering the riddle would prove useful... shortly)

"Hey, that's a large, undead snake with a key around its neck." said Med, wanting to have some dialog.

Thinking quickly, Raelin came up with the basic strategy.  "You, the one who is thinking of eating me, go distract the snake by getting too close to its biting mouth."

"Okay!"

"And you, fatty, step on it."

"Okay!"

"And you, fly over there and grab the key."

"Okay!"

It all worked.
(What can I say?  It wasn't all that dramatic)

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

40:00 / 60:00 Closer... closer... meh.

Ash, carrying Raelin, Jay El, and Tribby (of whom the entire party had forgotten was there in Falcon (Thaco) form, as her player was absent) on his back as the ceiling got closer... closer... CLOSER... not really all that suspensefully cloooose aaaaand, leaving just enough time to go back for his proverbial hat, making it across as the ceiling hit the floor behind them.

The three companions jumped off, hit the three switches in the room simultaneously - each switch filling a small potion of "Shrink Animal (Weak)" with a single drop.

As they looked at the small eye dropper in the wall, they realized that it led to a very small, glass tube, and the party decided as a whole that it would be a good idea to put the shrink animal potion into it at some point.

(Also, the door to the maze opened.)

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

29:56 / 60:00 I use the same reasoning in my porn career

"I'm growing increasingly impatient with all this being-a-rat-and-not-being-able-to-light-people-on-fire... thing."

"Quiet Raelin."

"I'm just saying."

Ash surveyed the area, and noted that there was a hallway with a slow, crushing ceiling "trap" in it which seemed activated by a pressure plate.  "Hmm...  I could run to the end of the hallway before that ceiling crushed me I'll bet." he thought to himself.

"Shouldn't we send the cheetah?" Came Jay El's reply.

"I am the cheetah!  Listening skills!"

"Oh.  Right."

"I wanna step on the pressure plate!"

"NO!  That triggers the crushing ceiling trap!"

"But I'm huge!"

Raelin paused and put his rat hand on Med's giant leg "That is not a good reason" he whispered softly.

"...oh."

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

15:03 / 60:00 Them Duckephant's is goooood eatin'

Med, forgetting that her brain was on an internal loudspeaker in the group's collective mind, fantasized about drinking the spiderwalk potion while singing to herself "spider duckephant, spider duckephant, does whatever a... spiderduckephant... does..."

"Med, seriously.  Shut the hell up." Ash snapped.  "We're trying to figure out what to do with the damn potion."

"Damn, I shouldn't snap at people like that... I'm just so damn hungry... man, I think I'll eat Raelin first.  Little piss ant's probably never been laid in his entire million year life, so his meat'd be clean... of course... he's a rat... damn.  Rats aren't nearly as good eating as say... a whole duckephant..."

The group collectively ahemed.

"Oh right.  Communal mind...  spi...der... duck...ephant... spider... duckephant... does... whatever a... spider duckephant does.." he sang, sheepishly.  (or rather, Cheetahily)

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Tribby would be grateful

Bitching at each other relentlessly, Jay El and Raelin explored the ventilation shaft, and noted there was an opening, as well as a vent which neither could easily reach.  At the opening, there appeared to be a deadly abyss, at the end of which lay a clearly labelled potion of spiderwalk, above the pit was a high ceiling with ropes attached to it, drooping slightly, but not within jumping distance of Jay El.

Ash thought impatiently into their minds.  "Throw the Rat into the vent!"

Jay El and Raelin frowned at each other, but acquiesed that this was the way to go.

Raelin bit his finger, Jay El let out a monkey-yelp, and, frowning, held him over the spiked pit meaningfully.  "Bite me again." he grinned.

Raelin peed himself.

Jay El smiled for a moment, then, realized he was holding the rodent, sighed, and raised the rat up to the vent. Raelin pooped in appreciation.

: How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?