Xylophone Ribs

Tribby smashed and cleaved through the ribs of multiple skeletons, making a pleasant sequence of notes upon their bodies with her club as they were smashed asunder.  Ash yelped in surprise as 4 more of the bone creatures appeared around the room, and an invisible creature stabbed him between his own, considerably less musical ribs.  "They can go invisible!" he yelled, lashing out violently towards the supposed location of his attacker.

Med launched another scorching ray, dodging the retaliatory hail of arrows and stones.  Jay El looked to his right and noted that one of the bone demons which had just appeared was right next to him.  "oh." he said, as he was stabbed in the shoulder.

Manbearpig aimed his bow and snapped his bowstring again.  "fiddlesticks." he murmured.

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Bone Thugs

The group entered the BOSS ROOM, and, similar to a Megaman boss level, the doors closed and vanished behind them.

"Wuh oh." Jay El grimaced, noting the rather terrifying Bone Devil in the center of the room, the Mohrgs, Bodaks, and undead Trolls.

"Wuh oh!" Med grimaced, noting the shelves of undead goblins skeletons mixed with human skeletons above them, all armed with slings and bows.

Wasting little time, Med took to the skies and fired upon the goblins above with her searing light.

Jay El took a similar approach and attacked the other side of the room.

Ash dove headlong towards the Bone Devil itself, managing to spear it with a mighty blow.

Raelin launched a fireball, and Tribby ran and smashed the nearest skeleton.

All and all, the battle was going favorably.

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Like wrestling a pin-pricked water balloon...

With catlike reflexes, Ash dove upon Manbearpig and held his squirming, peeing body to the ground.  "Shhh!" he shushed.

While their cacophony of terrified screams would be contained by Raelin's crafty illusion, they still might distract Raelin himself, from creating that very illusion.  Ash glanced to the side.  Tribby and Gluestick were thankfully running deeper into the forest, but, soon they would be out of range of the illusion... he glanced back at the skeleton (silently wondering what everyone was so afraid of in the first place) and wondered how well the well organized but still quite loud group would be able to hear something like an Ogre crashing through a forest a hundred feet away...

The Hobgoblin with a few more identifying ranks upon his uniform reported to the huge skeleton.  "Sir!" he yelled in Goblin (which Ash spoke), "We appear to have lost the trail, sir!"

"FAN OUT!" the huge behemoth screamed.  "FIND THE HALFLINGS!  I... I MEAN, THE SCROLL!"

The group of goblins and hobgoblins exploded in an exploratory asterix, some of which would intersect Raelin's illusion shortly.

However, Raelin, ever crafty, decided to abort his current illusion, as, it would remain for a long enough period of time for him to create a second, even craftier illusion.

At the end of the pathway, south of where they were currently, the fiery hummingbird flew past the path, and a group of familiar looking Gnolls chased after it into the forest.

"GREAAAAGGH!" screamed the angry skeleton, ripping the skull from the reporting officer, pointing in the direction of the illusion "FIND THEM!  FIIIIND THEEEEM!"

Raelin smiled.  Trickery seemed to come quite naturally to him.  Perhaps illusion might be something he would develop later...  He closed his eyes, and fortified his first illusion as the group continued on chasing his Gnolls in the direction of the Ogres.

"Maybe they'll all kill each other" he laughed to himself.

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Basically, its very bad.

Eventually, the party agreed that hiding was a good plan, based on the sound of the rumbling indicating a large offensive force, or, at the very least, a freakin' huge something.

The group began deciding on who best to hold (and use) the wand of greater illusion they'd found earlier.

"Tribby have high concentration!" she claimed to the group.
Ash sighed, "that's... constitution."
"...oh."

DM's Note:  (We'll pretend that was great roleplaying.)

The group decided to give the wand to Raelin, who had excellent concentration (but, for the record, low constitution), and he crafted an illusionary forest around them, off the path - the theory being that this would look like any other forest, and would give whatever-it-was-that-was-coming no reason to investigate it.

As a precaution, they blindfolded the duckephant.

DM's note: I was very tempted on pointing out the vastness of player knowledge they were using when they decided to this - as they had never even once considered blindfolding one of their party before a previous battle, but, I thought to myself - "you might want to blindfold the duckephant, y'know, like you did the last time you came across a chariot, or a scorpion", might prove to be funny in the future.

The terrifying thing approached.  The group saw as a cohesive unit for the first time, exactly what Thaco and Manbearpig had done their best to describe.

T'was a monstrous creation.  A gigantic undead scorpion, fused to the hips of a gigantic undead humanoid, with multiple sets of arms.  The skeleton itself seemed to be permanently on fire.  And, while terrifying, the fact that he had a rather large, wooden sign that said "put dragon head here" on the scorpion's tail was... out of place.

Beside him on all sides were huge, rumbling chariots that seemed equipped with a variety of advanced weaponry, and many, many goblins who were operating the foul smelling machines.  Black smoke billowed out from their tops like an angry, slumbering dragon's fog.

Surrounding them were hundreds and hundreds of goblins, and hobgoblins; all of which, appeared to be searching for something.

The huge skeleton, screamed in its terrifying voice "FIND IT!"

Every single one of our band of heroes with exception of Ash  and Raelin, peed themselves and ran.

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You want my bone? I want it! Tadaaa

The group looted the one Ogre, but found little.  Content that their ruse had worked, they decided to move their party Northwards, in an effort to find some better fortified locations in which to camp.

"You no sit on Shibou." Tribby pointed at Raelin.

Raelin balked, and looked up at Tribby.  "I...  and why not?"

Jay El laughed and gave Tribby a high five.

Tribby, suddenly self concious and libra-like, amended "I don't think she carry so much."

Raelin frowned.  "Yes.  Because the thousands of pounds she was previously carrying greatly underweigh my elven frame."

Tribby smiled and shrugged, "I no count... good."

The party marched and road up the road... road.  Jay El looked up at Ash, who was sitting and off-handidly staring sternly at things from time to time.  He'd been so kind to Jay El recently, that, Jay El decided to press his luck a little.

"Hey Ash, I was thinking... you have a robe that makes undead, yeah?"

Ash grunted.

"Right, and well, I'm getting really good at controlling undead."

Ash grunted, and stared sternly at a butterfly that was getting suspiciously close to the party.

"And... uhh, (I think that's just a butterfly Ash) I was wondering if, maybe, you would uhh... (seriously, the butterfly isn't going to...)"

"You want my undead?" Ash suddenly enunciated at him, gruffly.

"Uh... yeah."

There was a pause in which Ash could have jumped and speared many a time.  "Fine." he grunted, and tossed them at Jay El.

Jay El nodded in appreciation.  Ash was really warming to him, he could tell.

+2 Zombie Dogs
+2 Skeleton Dogs
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Kobold Nipples

"Where's the King!?" Jay El prompted.  "He's our ticket outta here!"

Tribby sniffed the air and listened, but found nothing.  The group sighed, and did a thorough search of the area, in an effort to find either the King, or, his escape route.

However, they got rather distracted when they found his treasure room.

Upon initial inspection, it was a modest treasure room... for a king.  There was three rather tasteful paintings of nude and semi-nude Kobolds in various Victorian poses; as well as a marble sculpture of a naked Kobold (oddly, with rubies for nipples... as Kobolds do not have nipples)

Behind one of the paintings, was a safe.  "Neat!" Tribby remarked, remembering an illusion her village's story teller would craft for them involving a talking dog and his wacky pals who would solve mysteries.

While the group discussed various methods of opening the safe (okay, they just started smashing it) they also found some interesting items in a small, storage offshoot of the room.

LOOT

 Quaal's feather token, anchor

 Universal solvent

 black dust.  (10 sprinkles, reforms destroyed black onyx gem).

 Quaal's feather token, swan boat

 Dust of dryness

 2xImmovable rods

 intricate carpet

 Hide from undead (potion)

 Jump (potion) 

Undead are the red shirts of DND.

Ash snapped awake.  He was snuggled tightly to Tribby's rank body, and beside him were hissing undead, and Jay El, who seemed to be rather excited about something.  Hitching himself up a bit by his nuts, Ash peered over Tribby's shoulders.  Kobolds in plate mail.

Now was not the time to pry Tribby's back hair from his mouth.  "What do I do!?" He yelled at nobody in particular.  Jay El turned and smiled "Kill the Kobolds"

Ash Smiled.  "Can do."

Ash flipped off of Tribby's back, out of her snuggly, and drew his spear.  Tribby launched an arc of fire while Jay El commanded his undead to attack.  They did so... very poorly.  Larry's arm fell off, flew across the room and hit Ted in the head, knocking him over.

As Ash sailed over Tribby, and over the undead, he couldn't help but smile.  It was good to be conscious in an area with vaulted ceilings again.

Taking advantage of the undead's miss-steps, the Kobolds decimated two of the four, while Jay El landed upon one of the guards and speared him quite dead.

Tribby roared and smashed one of the undead into bony fragments.  "oops!" she yelled back at Jay El.  "Sorry!  Kobolds are short!"

Jay El winced and smiled.  "Oh...  it's okay!" he said, unconvincingly.

Ash ran and stabbed the remaining Kobold guard, which lurched and looked up at him in terror.

Ash paused.  "Seriously?  You take more than one hit?" he barked, wrenching his spear out from the Kobold's body and burying it deep within him again.  "That's better." he spat, as it shuddered and died.

Jay El smiled and clapped Ash on the shoulder.  "Good to have you back m'boy."

Tribby smashed him on the back as well "Yeah!"

Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck

It was highly likely that those below the living quarters had heard the mass panic that Jay El, his undead, his slave-friends, and the giant ogre with a club and a Dragoon in a snuggly had made.

In fact, it was a wonder it hadn't woken widdle Ash fwom his nappy time, Jay El thought, oddly in a patronizingly baby-talk-ish inner monologue.

They cared not.  The Kobolds had proven to be of little resistance thus far, and now they had a small army of badly armed slaves and a few skeletons at their beck and call.  Nothing could possibly get in their way.

...actually, yeah.  Nothing did.  A few Kobolds attempted to fight them, but, did very, VERY poorly.

Like a scene out of a three stooges Halloween special, the undead swarmed upon the Kobolds, as did Tribby, Jay El, and his pet bee.  Everyone missed everyone for several rounds.

Eventually, Moe, the Skeleton dropped his arm by accident.  One would assume this would give a tactical advantage to his enemies, but they too, were just as clumsy, and tripped over the arm, accidentally tossing their weapon into the air and hitting another Kobold, who tripped, and pushed another Kobold into the bee's stinger.

(Basically everyone rolled ones repeatedly and the resulting battle was comedic to say the least.)

Eventually, odds prevailed and the Skeletons began to break the curse, then the bee, until finally, Tribby got her first successful cleave in, and, Jay El finished the battle up with a few thwacks and suggestions to his undead Trio.

At some point Jay El had tossed his knife to the slaves, who had freed each other, and now there were even greater ranks.

Jay El told them to arm themselves and meet them up at the king's place, but they weren't going to wait for them.  Time was running out on one of his spells, and he wanted to kick some ass.

He bounded up the stairs, and reminded Larry to stop killing things and they all went together towards the Kobold King's chambers.

If you can design a better anti-theft system...

Jay El paused and grinned, and sent Tribby and three undead down the stairs.

"Guard this hole.  Kill anyone trying to go down it or trying to come out of it who is not me." he explained.  Larry (though rarely did people ask undead, they did have names) nodded and assumed a guarding position.

Briefly, Jay El considered asking Tribby to poke her head out briefly to test his system, but, decided it would be more than 25% mean to do so.

Jay El joined Tribby, and the undead, and they made their way to the slave quarters.

It isn't evil if they trample THEMSELVES...

Tribby gently adjusted her slumbering Dragoon, and wiped a bit of his drool from her shoulder.  They sure didn't look heavy, but, after a while, the lil' fellers really took their toll.

Jay El and his necrotic merry band huddled around Tribby, and whispered their plans in hushed voices, occasionally making sure that the slaves of various races and languages were following the gist.

Thankfully, it was a fairly straightforward plan, which those who did not speak any common language, would still be able to pick up within a few beats.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!!" Tribby screamed, brandishing her club and swinging it at nothing in particular as she ran into the room.

"YO HO!" Jay El yelled after her, his necrotic followers hissing and swiping.

"Blimey!"
"Run a lot!"
"Eeee!"
"Ach, and bippy!"
and other related phrases were all yelled by the slaves.  The collective collaboration of cantankerous cacophony cleared the cluttered catacombs in a wash of utter panic and terror.

While not quite Godzilla-esque in its level of panic, it was close enough; the Kobolds dispersed, trampling their friends, babies and other loved ones in the process.

Though nobody would ever ask them, it was the most fun the undead had experienced in over 300 years.

I'm looking for a twig

Jay El felt horrible about forgetting his oldest, dearest friend, passed out in the storage room.  So much had happened so quickly, that...  Jay El grimaced.  There would be no excuses.

This, like so many things, was all his fault and he'd be damned if... well, he might be damned anyway, but... he would do what he could to save his friend.

The Kobolds would likely strip him of his weapons and armor... even if they had decided to slay him rather than slave him, they would still likely take the valuables from his corpse.  It was a morbid logic, but, Jay El realized that, most likely, the thing that was the most likely to stay with Manbearpig, was his beloved twig.

Ordinary in apearance to most, Manbearpig had often spoke of how special a twig it truly was that he had in his hair.  It was, in a sense, a way for the modestly dressed fellow to have a sense of style, of individuality, and of nature.  While the twig itself began as relatively unremarkable, Jay El had seen him carve incredibly small, intricate markings into the twig.  An art that was clearly more for self expression than showboating, as the markings escaped the notice of all who did not examine the twig closely.

Jay El stood in silent prayer.  The gods may be turning upon him, but, surely they would not refuse him to help a soul as pure as Manbearpig.  He focused his energies, and a small arrow appeared before his eyes.  It wasn't much, but, at least horizontally, he knew the direction of Manbearpig's twig.  Hopefully the head to which it was attached would be nearby.

Tribby grunted, and removed their barricade.  "This really was a good idea." she hummed to herself.  "the barricade I mean.  It's just so handy to be able to get a nice, safe sleep in when we need it."

Jay El nodded, distracted.  "Come.  We must find the twig." he grunted.

Tribby shrugged and followed him to the crossroads.  "To the mines?  There might be gold!" she drooled.

Jay El smiled.  "Sure." he sighed.  The likelyhood of finding gold in a coal mine was sure to be... at least... well, not probable, but... well, anything was possible, he justified.

They tromped for a while through a few twists and turns, when, quickly, Jay El realized a familiar, if reversed, pattern.  "We go right left, right left, right left" he announced.  And the journey was quick and painless.

As they neared the end of the so-called maze, they quietly descended down some stairs, noting the tell-tale sounds of forced labor; Whips, groans, and the rhythmic sounds of pick axes descending upon hardened rock.

They all steadied themselves.  Slavers didn't sit well with any of the free-spirited group - least of all, Ash.

Peeking around the corner, they saw a wide, carved out room with a low ceiling, and trenches dug out on either side, containing the miserable workers, of which were chained together.  There appeared to be about 30 slaves, and 8 Kobold slavers.  The good news was, they seemed small, even for Kobolds.

What was most interesting to Jay El in particular, was the method of which the Kobolds were employing to sift and move the rock.  The slaves were weilding the pick axes within the trenches, and passing rocks to a small ramp into the center of the trench, approximately 50 feet from where Jay El and his party were hidden.

Inside the trench, an undead skeleton would pick up whatever was there, and bring it out of the trench, and into the center of the room, and then head back.  Jay El noted that there were two such skeletons with the same programming, mirrored on either side of the room.

In the center, were another two skeletons with similar jobs, only they would move whatever was in the center of the room, up to the entrance.  Presumably to sift it at a later time.

Jay El smiled, and explained to the party that he could control these undead, given the time to concentrate.

Taking 20 minutes to focus, the undead suddenly stiffened, and were given a different set of instructions altogether.  Kill the Kobolds.

The slavers quickly panicked as their drones appeared to revolt, and Ash and Tribby charged into the room.  Tribby tripped and fell into the ditch, and Ash jumped and smashed his head on the ceiling.  Jay El was alone in his charge, and, was quite thankful for the terrifying backup and over all wussyness of the slavers.

As they were promptly decimated, Tribby righted herself and charged anew, but, aside from a terrified straggler, the battle was over.  Ash, it seemed, was out cold.

The slaves let out their racial equivalent of a hurrah as they were freed, and armed with the Slaver's weapons, as well as fed with Jay El and Tribby's rations.

Tribby smiled, wiping the coal dust from her eyes and handed out the last of her jerky to the now smiling, now hopefully former, slaves.

As things settled down a little, Tribby's altruism ran out, and she stole Ash's rations.

And lo' there was plot

Suddenly, PLOT erupted from Jay El's chest in the form of a pink Hologram, slightly adjusted to each player for ease of understanding.

Jay El: You see a goddess, adorned in the robes of your good god to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.
Ash: You see a goddess, adorned in the ceremonial armor of your ancestors to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.
Tribby: You see a half elf goddess, to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.
Manbearpig: You see a goddess, clothed in the trappings of the wild, to which you immediately feel a familiar, comfortable connection.

Shitanya: You see a woman.

Harken to my words and know that they are the truth. Yours need not be a story of woe and dispair, but a great evil IS rising.

Ash: Of course you know, evil is just another word for challenge. For glory, for those of us who are strong enough to seize it.

Jay El: I know that you have your own evils inside you... And I also know as to how they can be beaten!

Tribby: Greater than any personal pain you are going through my child. Though I know it seems impossible, your trials with your home will seem trivial in comparison to the challenges that lay ahead. Know this, though, your home will hear of your accomplishments, and they will feel both shamed to have treated you poorly, and gratitude for your forgiveness should you provide it.

Manbearpig: Both in the world, and, from within your friend.

Sadly, the holy order charged with the protection of the device to be used to banish this evil, has failed in their task.


Ash: A true hero who is up to the challenge is required

Tribby: Clearly men were not the right choice to entrust with such power.

Manbearpig: Just as, without your help, your friend will fail in his battle against his own evil.
A man-made abomination of a creature, part Terrask, part undead, part golumn was forged one billion years ago. Its destruction proved impossible.

Jay El: I know this seems like it is too big for you, now. But know that you will grow to be a being of immense power in your search to rid yourself of your curse.

Manbearpig: Such a creature would upset the balance of nature itself.

Ash: At least... for them. Of course, we both know that impossible is a word for the weak or short sighted. I know of a way it can be destroyed, and could guide you to such a victory...

Through the collective efforts of the council of seven and thousands of their disciples, they found a way to temporarily banish the creature.


Ash: A coward's victory, and only a temporary one at that. What is needed, is a warrior who will rise to the task of this creature's destruction. With the weapons we will provide you, you could accomplish such a task. And the spoils of war would be yours to keep...

The council forged a device which required tremendous amounts of magical and physical energy... as well as the lives of its creators.
The device was deemed too powerful to be left in the hands of any one person. Its power could be used for just about anything. From the granting of wishes, to the removal of curses, to the accumulation of wealth, power, and fame.


Jay El: We could return you to your daughter, curse free. As well as provide protection for you and your family from anything like this ever happening again, with enough wealth to make all this tragedy a distant memory
Ash: Though we both know that all this would be nothing compared to what you would have achieved in the abomination's destruction.
Manbearpig: Of course those things would simply be bonuses to knowing that you'd returned the balance of nature, and the continuing prosperity of your world.
and thus it was entrusted to an ancient order of monks and clerics to protect the individual items in preparation for the abomination's return.

Sadly, as I mentioned, they were not up to the task.

Ash: They lacked the training, the discipline, and the drive of a true Dragoon. But most importantly, they lacked your courage, your bravery, and your heart.
Manbearpig They lacked an understanding of nature's ways, that few posses
Tribby: They lacked an intuition that only half of our population seem to posses (smiles)
Jay El: But where they fell, you shall rise. You have a great destiny before you.

Unfortunately, as a result of their failure, the greed of man has taken many of these artifacts and used them for their own ends.

Manbearpig: Just as they rape the forests to make their cities with no thought of the future, so too do they rape the magics to amass their petty golds and silvers while dooming us all.

The tremendous amount of energy stored within them has been corrupted and as a result, the artifacts themselves are in danger of being not fully charged at a time where they will be shortly needed.

I promise to you that if you right these wrongs, collect these artifacts, and assemble the device so that we might banish the abomination

Jay El: your curse will be lifted.
Ash: You will have your glory
Tribby: You will find your destiny, your purpose, your power.
Manbearpig: Your friend will be saved, and nature's balance restored.
Shitanya: Stuff that's cool will happen

What say you?

Jay El: Will you make an effort to save your family, save the world, and save yourself?
Ash: Are you up to the task?
Tribby: Will you embrace your greatness?
Manbearpig: Will you save your world and your friendship?
Shitanya: Will you join this cause?

They all say yes, and decidedly less rapey plot is decided!
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A Shwartzki like a coat hanger

Rhapsody, having not done well in her attempts to steal candy from the senile and remembering that she was remotely good, decided to be altruistic and shoot the undead with her magic missile. She succeeded in shooting it in the butt, or, at least, in the hip bone area.

The old Wizard found the spell he was looking for in one of his books and remarked "ah yes, right. that old diddy." and quickly cast a spell to retake control of his undead. "Gary, Allen, that's quite enough. Off you get, back to your posts. There's a good undead." he then turned the page and continued "ah yes, this'll help" and cast a quick silence spell upon the immobilized former-trouble-maker-who-was-formerly-charming-but-now-pretty-much-everyone-agreed-was-a-bad-guy.

~~~~

Ash decided that the local tavern was perhaps not the best place to find his ultimate nemesis, and decided to browse the fruit stands in the local marketplace. "Fucking avocados better not look at me the wrong way..." he mumbled to himself.

~~~~

"So!" Gustoff prompted "This your friend, then?"

"Yes, that's him."

"Heh, hm.... you know he's bat-shit evil, right?"

"Yes. He was cursed."

"Ah, unlucky and evil now, is he?"

"No, I mean, he was cursed into being evil."

"ooooooh, so its one of those not-evil-just-mostly-evil type situations."

"Kind of, I mean, he wasn't evil before getting cursed."

"Good, was he?"

"Oh yeah, really good even."

"Huh."

"Yeah, he was stabbed with a cursed knife, which I have."

"Do you! Well, good info to have. Alrighty, gimmie the cuh-niff."

"The..."

"Knife. The knife. Give me the cursed knife. Oy. Druids."

"You're Irish."

"Irish people can't say oy?"

"No, I mean, well, here's the knife, anyway."

"uh huh. Yep. Not cursed. Regular knife. Sorry bucko. Looks like your friend's just evil for the chicks and the booze."

"No! No, he must have been cursed. Look, he had all kinds of good things in his life, a wife, a daughter..."

"Didn't EAT them, did he?"

"What? No!"

"Good. That's bad."

"...yes."

"Alright, let's look at him a little closer and do some mumbo."

"Mumbo?"

"Jumbo!"

"W... okay."

"Druids. Alrighty, alacazamie, alacazortski, show me what's needed to unbend your shwartzki!"

"His Shwartzki is bent?"

"No, but its one of the more common reasons for people turning evi... ah! Here we are. Iiiinteresting. He has a large pink gem of an unknown type embedded in his body which is the only thing that prevented this incredibly powerful demon from killing and rising up from your friend's body." He remarked, as Jay El's chest ripped open to reveal the gem now protruding from his sternum.

"Wow, that must hurt."

"Heh. Yep."

"That there must be some kinda gem."

"Yes, a gem like that is a true rarity, in fact, I'd go as far as to say boarder-line unique."

"I have one around my neck."

"Well now. That IS a coincidence. I mean, what are the odds?"

"Pretty small, I'd say."

"Almost as if fate had put you two together eh? Well, let's put that there gem into his chest aaaaaand... well look at that, he's good again! And, looks like the crazy from the fever has dissipated too."

"Well, that was uncomfortable in an excruciatingly painful kind of way." Jay El remarked, dusting himself off and collapsing in the pain that is remorse and the pain that is pain. "Sorry about trying to kill you and all. I hope we didn't cause too much damage."

Everyone smiled and almost hugged. Everyone looked awkwardly at the girl standing in the doorway, who yelled at them that she was changing her name to Tribby. A man in the background walked by making "coo coo" noises, while another walked by singing that he'd never ever ever ever ever make a song about Tribby. But he was a cruel bard, of whom we would likely never see again.

"Okay... great." They all kind of shrugged. "So anyway, you're cursed with this demon thing, but these incredibly powerful unknown gems that we were talking about are..."

"Do you guys wanna hang out?" The newly named Tribby prompted.

"Uh... yeah. Sure." They replied, after wondering to themselves what the legal age was in Roe. "Listen, this is all really fascinating and everything Guss, but, I think we're gonna take off."

"Oh. Al... Alright then. Well, let me know if you ever want to have my free services and trash my magic shop again."

"Yeah, will do. Thanks again."

"Okay. Because not just anyone could have..."

They slammed the door and went off with the hot possibly barely-legal chick.

"I have my own bedroll!" She piped up.

"Uh huh." They all answered, clearly very interested.

"Hey!" A scary looking fellow with avocado all over his greatspear barked at the travellers.

"Uh..." they replied.

"I can hit things really, really well. Wanna hang out?"

"Uh..." they replied.

"Great. I charge one gold a day."

"See, the thing is, we're kind of... not... ummm..."

"Okay, howzabout this, we split the treasure we find 50/50."

"Well... would that... like... include emotional trauma, or... just like... money and stuff..."

"Let's just see how things go, mkay?"

"Uh... yeah. Alright. Let's go sleep together. I mean, not together-together, but, let's go to a hotel room and, sleep. I don't mean sleep... well, I do. I mean, I actually mean sleep, not like sleep-sleep, y'know, like coffee being sex, not like that, there's no sex. Well, not with you... We're all fairly ungay, I think. We don't really know. I think this young lady mentioned she had her own bedroll. But, we'd use the hotel's... tonight. This time..."

"I have charisma 10. Shut the hell up."

"Okidoki, so, to the hotel then."

Gluestick neighed in agreement. Everyone flipped out, having completely forgotten about the horse.

"...and yeah, curse is now lifted, thanks to these cool gems of immense power! I mean, I'd give pretty much anything for one of these puppies. They're like, amazing and the secret to everything and clearly important. But I've been talking for a while now. Let's move the circle over." Jay El finished.

"I'm Manbearpig. I like trees."

"Wait" Raptor-tribble, er, Rhapsody/Tribby prompted, "Your name is MANBEARPIG? Seriously?"

"..." He replied, with the utmost of presence and certainty.

"So... yeah. Those gems would be reeeally cool if we were to find one..." Jay El continued "...I mean, the implied value of these gems alone, heck, they seem pretty important and all..."

"Yeah, well, goodnight." Ash replied, tucking away his gem and going to bed. "PS, my motivation is to kill things for honor."

"Yeah well, goodnight." Tribby replied, tucking away her gem and going to bed. "PS I got kicked out of my hometown for burning things."

Jay El looked at Manbearpig. Manbearpig looked back. "What? Don't look at me, I already gave you mine."

How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Identical in all other respects

"So yeah. He's sick. I think that pretty much sums up all you really need to know." Manbearpig continued, as Gustoff listened as intently as he was inclined to do, which wasn't very.

"Uh huh, well, go get yer friend then. I'm not a friggin' Cleric, but whatever, don't ask how business is or anything, lousy no good..." He trailed off, watching one of the stones rotating around his head "Oh right! Avocados!" he snapped his fingers, clearly remembering something of at least moderate importance and thusly far more important than anything going on outside his shop.

~~~~

"(gasp) why... did... I... untie... you..." Manbearpig gasped as Jay El continued to very charismatically choke the life out of him.

The guards approached and drew their swords. "Halt!" They yelled, as it dictated in the guard's handbook to do in these types of circumstances. "er... Halt!" one of the newer guards said, like one of those annoying kids in highschool that wouldn't actually do anything for an oral presentation and just kind of repeat a few of the words you said and make it look like you were just speaking quickly, and hogging the spotlight, when in fact they didn't do a damn thing.

"Quick, help me!" the very charismatic sociopath pleaded, clearly in need of some assistance in choking the fellow on the ground.

The guards pondered. Their handbook clearly showed the other person on the ground asking for help in these types of situations, but in subsection C, it clearly stated that generally the person asking for help was a person in need of their services.

"Uh..." they stalled.

~~~~

Rhapsody, the neutral good sorceress looked for something evil to do, and decided that stealing from the elderly was a great place to start. But the old woman's handbag proved too great a challenge, for that was where she kept her dirty novels about men being abused on horseback, and thus, it was zippered shut.

~~~~

"Look, um, let the fellow go, and, then... we'll all help... who needs... helping." The more innovative of the guardsmen innovated. The other guards looked at him approvingly and offered muttered "glad you thought of that" type responses. "Helping!" replied the slacker of the group, still trying to pretend that he knew what he was doing.

~~~~

"I AM LOOKING FOR A CHALLENGE!" Ash bellowed into the sparsely populated tavern, which replied with a cacophony of cantankerous cronies coughing and calling out random comments such as "I gotcher challenge right here" and such.

So as not to look too silly, Ash continued: "...and... some... meat. A... a side of beef!" which was met with nearly the exact same replies and retorts. He sighed. Liquefying orcs was so much easier than socializing.

"If this friggin ceiling was higher, I could jump the shit out of that bartender... he'd be all like 'oooh, I have queest for yooooou'" he mumbled to himself, fairly loudly.

~~~~

Jay El wove a tale so convincing, it t'were like the muse herself did visit this encounter.

"...and then he was like BAM! and I was like OW!" he continued, as the guards all sat around him like it was story time at the library, occasionally frowning at Manbearpig's attempts to loquaciously defend himself. "Uh..." he replied. "Nuh uh." but t'was upon deaf ears.

...well, not deaf ears, just, really interested-in-something-else, ears. If you want deaf ears, you'd be more interested in Ash. Who was kinda deaf. But he was just harassing bar people right now, so this is more interesting.

The guards paused. The fellow HAD rolled really well... but, it said something in their manual about outright killing people based on convincing stories. "Do you have any... y'know... friends... or...family or witnesses or anything like that?" the guard queried.

Manbearpig chose to remain silent for a time. But then, felt it best to cut the tension. "Well, there IS Gustoff... he's about 10 feet behind us if it isn't too much trouble to investigate."

"Fiiiine" The guards all droned. "But now we're really confused, so let's put the possibly-crazy-but-still-so-charismatic guy in front, and handcuff you just in case"

Dong de dong dong. "Huh. Wasn't it a ding dAhUNDEAD!" Jay El squeeked, as Gustoff's evil detector-alerted-undead-security-system gripped him in the grip of the damned, or, at least, the grip of the reanimated and occasionally called on for minor tasks and duties that only rarely involved picking up groceries.

Jay El smiled. Undead happened to be something he was fairly good at controlling as of late. "Release me" he commanded, "and bar the door." nobody was going to be curing any evil any time soon if he had anything to say about it; and, currently, Manbearpig didn't say much, so, that meant that he probably did have quite a bit to say about it. He liked the new him, fever or no, and he intended on staying this way.

The guards saw the formerly-charismatic-and-now-probably-the-bad-guy command the two dead fellows to bar the door, and, after only a moderate amount of pondering, decided it would be prudent to attempt to force the door open, to help out Gustoff, who was alone with the badish man.

The undead held the door, and Jay El advanced upon the hapless old man with an evil glint in his eye. "Now... you shall fall before... oh." he finished, as Gustoff immobilized him with a quick spell. "Well. This is embarrassing." he finished. "Right then," he continued, timing the thudding of the guards against the door "open the door NOW!" The guards, clumsy as they were, fell into a heap, to the top of which, the other undead jumped upon as if a child playing in leaves, only with glowing red eyes and no skin.

Character Development and Elderly Women with S&M Fetishes

As the honorable Manbearpig guided the noble Gluestick into town, to which the sometimes-noble-and-honorable Jay El was currently tied as he spewed feverish and outright nasty obscenities to all that would hear, he couldn't help but remember back to when the two of them were children. Each playing with their little dolls and favorite sticks, respectively, and the hours of fun they would have debating over the ethics of nailing one toy to the other in search of realism.

Now, things were different. Manbearpig rarely got to defend his sticks or even play with them. No, his had been a tale of three long years of travel, and all his life seemed to be now, was apologising for stupidface, which was the nickname he'd unconsciously given Jay El at some point along the way as his actions continued to remind him less and less of his childhood friend.

~~~~

Rhapsody made her way into town. Both thankful to have found shelter from the forests and the trails, and fearful of the new collection of hearts she seemed destined to break, and the social ostracising she seemed destined to spawn. (but not in a icky kind of way)

~~~~

Manbearpig used his incredible detective skills and inquire abilities to ascertain the exact location of Gustoff.

"Hey." He said. He expected a return response, and was planning on going from there. So great was his ability to manipulate a social encounter, that he was literally improvising this one as it went.

"Good afternoon. Are ye aware that you have a stick in your hair Lad?" Came back the unexpectedly complicated reply.

"...yes." Manbearpig replied, for he was. "I put it there." he elaborated.

"...ah." The barkeep replied. "ssso..."

"I'm looking for Gustoff." He interrupted. Figuring it best to state his business before any other items of his personage were awkwardly pointed out.

"I'm an NPC" the barkeep replied. "I mean, his shop's over there, on that street, close to that thing, in the marketplace. You could miss it, but, you won't, because it's a good idea if you get over there as that's pretty much where this story's plot begins."

~~~~

"YEAH! FUCK YOU!" Ash continued, screaming at the liquefied Orc, kicking various pieces of it. "MESS YOU UP!" he continued, before searching and sifting his person for treasure. "...Teach that fucker to look in any way like he was up to no good..." he mumbled to himself, riding a sweet ride of adrenalin to which he'd become addicted as he eventually found a small, unliquefied pink gem.

~~~~

Ding da ding ding came the sweet chimes over Gustoff's door, as the entwigged Manbearpig entered in as magestic a manner as he was currently able. "Hey! Manboarswi, er, Manpigbe..."

"Gustoff!" Manbearpig interrupted, knowing that Gustoff's shop was more likely to close in a few hours than its owner was likely at remembering his name. Though once having been truly fantastic at adventuring, Gustoff now spent most of his time collecting memory and health enhancing artifacts, so that he could remember where he kept his other memory and health enhancing potions.

His prices had always been fair - many believed it was because he enjoyed hearing the stories of adventurers he supplied, and living vicariously through the ones that lived long enough to do so.

Gustoff himself had quite a story, but, that was another adventure altogether. The short version, is that he's pretty old and senile now, and has most of his food delivered, as having undead pick up your pizza can sometimes lead to chipping a tooth on a misplaced pinky bone.

"Hey man!" Gustoff finally finished, giving up on the exercise of naming for until after he rummaged and found another memory-stone to orbit his already somewhat cluttered upper cranium.

As Manbearpig unveiled his tale of woe in as few words as possible to Gustoff, feeling it best to be vague and general in many areas, Jay El did his best to plead with an elderly woman to let him go.

~~~~

Meanwhile, Jay El, still quite mad and quite evil, was continuing to plead with an elderly woman "...And he beats me, and humps me..." he continued, somewhat unconvincingly.

The Woman looked at him with a strange amount of lust in her eyes "Then what does he do to you, you naughty boy?" Jay El gave up temporarily.