A Shwartzki like a coat hanger

Rhapsody, having not done well in her attempts to steal candy from the senile and remembering that she was remotely good, decided to be altruistic and shoot the undead with her magic missile. She succeeded in shooting it in the butt, or, at least, in the hip bone area.

The old Wizard found the spell he was looking for in one of his books and remarked "ah yes, right. that old diddy." and quickly cast a spell to retake control of his undead. "Gary, Allen, that's quite enough. Off you get, back to your posts. There's a good undead." he then turned the page and continued "ah yes, this'll help" and cast a quick silence spell upon the immobilized former-trouble-maker-who-was-formerly-charming-but-now-pretty-much-everyone-agreed-was-a-bad-guy.

~~~~

Ash decided that the local tavern was perhaps not the best place to find his ultimate nemesis, and decided to browse the fruit stands in the local marketplace. "Fucking avocados better not look at me the wrong way..." he mumbled to himself.

~~~~

"So!" Gustoff prompted "This your friend, then?"

"Yes, that's him."

"Heh, hm.... you know he's bat-shit evil, right?"

"Yes. He was cursed."

"Ah, unlucky and evil now, is he?"

"No, I mean, he was cursed into being evil."

"ooooooh, so its one of those not-evil-just-mostly-evil type situations."

"Kind of, I mean, he wasn't evil before getting cursed."

"Good, was he?"

"Oh yeah, really good even."

"Huh."

"Yeah, he was stabbed with a cursed knife, which I have."

"Do you! Well, good info to have. Alrighty, gimmie the cuh-niff."

"The..."

"Knife. The knife. Give me the cursed knife. Oy. Druids."

"You're Irish."

"Irish people can't say oy?"

"No, I mean, well, here's the knife, anyway."

"uh huh. Yep. Not cursed. Regular knife. Sorry bucko. Looks like your friend's just evil for the chicks and the booze."

"No! No, he must have been cursed. Look, he had all kinds of good things in his life, a wife, a daughter..."

"Didn't EAT them, did he?"

"What? No!"

"Good. That's bad."

"...yes."

"Alright, let's look at him a little closer and do some mumbo."

"Mumbo?"

"Jumbo!"

"W... okay."

"Druids. Alrighty, alacazamie, alacazortski, show me what's needed to unbend your shwartzki!"

"His Shwartzki is bent?"

"No, but its one of the more common reasons for people turning evi... ah! Here we are. Iiiinteresting. He has a large pink gem of an unknown type embedded in his body which is the only thing that prevented this incredibly powerful demon from killing and rising up from your friend's body." He remarked, as Jay El's chest ripped open to reveal the gem now protruding from his sternum.

"Wow, that must hurt."

"Heh. Yep."

"That there must be some kinda gem."

"Yes, a gem like that is a true rarity, in fact, I'd go as far as to say boarder-line unique."

"I have one around my neck."

"Well now. That IS a coincidence. I mean, what are the odds?"

"Pretty small, I'd say."

"Almost as if fate had put you two together eh? Well, let's put that there gem into his chest aaaaaand... well look at that, he's good again! And, looks like the crazy from the fever has dissipated too."

"Well, that was uncomfortable in an excruciatingly painful kind of way." Jay El remarked, dusting himself off and collapsing in the pain that is remorse and the pain that is pain. "Sorry about trying to kill you and all. I hope we didn't cause too much damage."

Everyone smiled and almost hugged. Everyone looked awkwardly at the girl standing in the doorway, who yelled at them that she was changing her name to Tribby. A man in the background walked by making "coo coo" noises, while another walked by singing that he'd never ever ever ever ever make a song about Tribby. But he was a cruel bard, of whom we would likely never see again.

"Okay... great." They all kind of shrugged. "So anyway, you're cursed with this demon thing, but these incredibly powerful unknown gems that we were talking about are..."

"Do you guys wanna hang out?" The newly named Tribby prompted.

"Uh... yeah. Sure." They replied, after wondering to themselves what the legal age was in Roe. "Listen, this is all really fascinating and everything Guss, but, I think we're gonna take off."

"Oh. Al... Alright then. Well, let me know if you ever want to have my free services and trash my magic shop again."

"Yeah, will do. Thanks again."

"Okay. Because not just anyone could have..."

They slammed the door and went off with the hot possibly barely-legal chick.

"I have my own bedroll!" She piped up.

"Uh huh." They all answered, clearly very interested.

"Hey!" A scary looking fellow with avocado all over his greatspear barked at the travellers.

"Uh..." they replied.

"I can hit things really, really well. Wanna hang out?"

"Uh..." they replied.

"Great. I charge one gold a day."

"See, the thing is, we're kind of... not... ummm..."

"Okay, howzabout this, we split the treasure we find 50/50."

"Well... would that... like... include emotional trauma, or... just like... money and stuff..."

"Let's just see how things go, mkay?"

"Uh... yeah. Alright. Let's go sleep together. I mean, not together-together, but, let's go to a hotel room and, sleep. I don't mean sleep... well, I do. I mean, I actually mean sleep, not like sleep-sleep, y'know, like coffee being sex, not like that, there's no sex. Well, not with you... We're all fairly ungay, I think. We don't really know. I think this young lady mentioned she had her own bedroll. But, we'd use the hotel's... tonight. This time..."

"I have charisma 10. Shut the hell up."

"Okidoki, so, to the hotel then."

Gluestick neighed in agreement. Everyone flipped out, having completely forgotten about the horse.

"...and yeah, curse is now lifted, thanks to these cool gems of immense power! I mean, I'd give pretty much anything for one of these puppies. They're like, amazing and the secret to everything and clearly important. But I've been talking for a while now. Let's move the circle over." Jay El finished.

"I'm Manbearpig. I like trees."

"Wait" Raptor-tribble, er, Rhapsody/Tribby prompted, "Your name is MANBEARPIG? Seriously?"

"..." He replied, with the utmost of presence and certainty.

"So... yeah. Those gems would be reeeally cool if we were to find one..." Jay El continued "...I mean, the implied value of these gems alone, heck, they seem pretty important and all..."

"Yeah, well, goodnight." Ash replied, tucking away his gem and going to bed. "PS, my motivation is to kill things for honor."

"Yeah well, goodnight." Tribby replied, tucking away her gem and going to bed. "PS I got kicked out of my hometown for burning things."

Jay El looked at Manbearpig. Manbearpig looked back. "What? Don't look at me, I already gave you mine."

How could you best encourage a blogger to blog?

Identical in all other respects

"So yeah. He's sick. I think that pretty much sums up all you really need to know." Manbearpig continued, as Gustoff listened as intently as he was inclined to do, which wasn't very.

"Uh huh, well, go get yer friend then. I'm not a friggin' Cleric, but whatever, don't ask how business is or anything, lousy no good..." He trailed off, watching one of the stones rotating around his head "Oh right! Avocados!" he snapped his fingers, clearly remembering something of at least moderate importance and thusly far more important than anything going on outside his shop.

~~~~

"(gasp) why... did... I... untie... you..." Manbearpig gasped as Jay El continued to very charismatically choke the life out of him.

The guards approached and drew their swords. "Halt!" They yelled, as it dictated in the guard's handbook to do in these types of circumstances. "er... Halt!" one of the newer guards said, like one of those annoying kids in highschool that wouldn't actually do anything for an oral presentation and just kind of repeat a few of the words you said and make it look like you were just speaking quickly, and hogging the spotlight, when in fact they didn't do a damn thing.

"Quick, help me!" the very charismatic sociopath pleaded, clearly in need of some assistance in choking the fellow on the ground.

The guards pondered. Their handbook clearly showed the other person on the ground asking for help in these types of situations, but in subsection C, it clearly stated that generally the person asking for help was a person in need of their services.

"Uh..." they stalled.

~~~~

Rhapsody, the neutral good sorceress looked for something evil to do, and decided that stealing from the elderly was a great place to start. But the old woman's handbag proved too great a challenge, for that was where she kept her dirty novels about men being abused on horseback, and thus, it was zippered shut.

~~~~

"Look, um, let the fellow go, and, then... we'll all help... who needs... helping." The more innovative of the guardsmen innovated. The other guards looked at him approvingly and offered muttered "glad you thought of that" type responses. "Helping!" replied the slacker of the group, still trying to pretend that he knew what he was doing.

~~~~

"I AM LOOKING FOR A CHALLENGE!" Ash bellowed into the sparsely populated tavern, which replied with a cacophony of cantankerous cronies coughing and calling out random comments such as "I gotcher challenge right here" and such.

So as not to look too silly, Ash continued: "...and... some... meat. A... a side of beef!" which was met with nearly the exact same replies and retorts. He sighed. Liquefying orcs was so much easier than socializing.

"If this friggin ceiling was higher, I could jump the shit out of that bartender... he'd be all like 'oooh, I have queest for yooooou'" he mumbled to himself, fairly loudly.

~~~~

Jay El wove a tale so convincing, it t'were like the muse herself did visit this encounter.

"...and then he was like BAM! and I was like OW!" he continued, as the guards all sat around him like it was story time at the library, occasionally frowning at Manbearpig's attempts to loquaciously defend himself. "Uh..." he replied. "Nuh uh." but t'was upon deaf ears.

...well, not deaf ears, just, really interested-in-something-else, ears. If you want deaf ears, you'd be more interested in Ash. Who was kinda deaf. But he was just harassing bar people right now, so this is more interesting.

The guards paused. The fellow HAD rolled really well... but, it said something in their manual about outright killing people based on convincing stories. "Do you have any... y'know... friends... or...family or witnesses or anything like that?" the guard queried.

Manbearpig chose to remain silent for a time. But then, felt it best to cut the tension. "Well, there IS Gustoff... he's about 10 feet behind us if it isn't too much trouble to investigate."

"Fiiiine" The guards all droned. "But now we're really confused, so let's put the possibly-crazy-but-still-so-charismatic guy in front, and handcuff you just in case"

Dong de dong dong. "Huh. Wasn't it a ding dAhUNDEAD!" Jay El squeeked, as Gustoff's evil detector-alerted-undead-security-system gripped him in the grip of the damned, or, at least, the grip of the reanimated and occasionally called on for minor tasks and duties that only rarely involved picking up groceries.

Jay El smiled. Undead happened to be something he was fairly good at controlling as of late. "Release me" he commanded, "and bar the door." nobody was going to be curing any evil any time soon if he had anything to say about it; and, currently, Manbearpig didn't say much, so, that meant that he probably did have quite a bit to say about it. He liked the new him, fever or no, and he intended on staying this way.

The guards saw the formerly-charismatic-and-now-probably-the-bad-guy command the two dead fellows to bar the door, and, after only a moderate amount of pondering, decided it would be prudent to attempt to force the door open, to help out Gustoff, who was alone with the badish man.

The undead held the door, and Jay El advanced upon the hapless old man with an evil glint in his eye. "Now... you shall fall before... oh." he finished, as Gustoff immobilized him with a quick spell. "Well. This is embarrassing." he finished. "Right then," he continued, timing the thudding of the guards against the door "open the door NOW!" The guards, clumsy as they were, fell into a heap, to the top of which, the other undead jumped upon as if a child playing in leaves, only with glowing red eyes and no skin.

Character Development and Elderly Women with S&M Fetishes

As the honorable Manbearpig guided the noble Gluestick into town, to which the sometimes-noble-and-honorable Jay El was currently tied as he spewed feverish and outright nasty obscenities to all that would hear, he couldn't help but remember back to when the two of them were children. Each playing with their little dolls and favorite sticks, respectively, and the hours of fun they would have debating over the ethics of nailing one toy to the other in search of realism.

Now, things were different. Manbearpig rarely got to defend his sticks or even play with them. No, his had been a tale of three long years of travel, and all his life seemed to be now, was apologising for stupidface, which was the nickname he'd unconsciously given Jay El at some point along the way as his actions continued to remind him less and less of his childhood friend.

~~~~

Rhapsody made her way into town. Both thankful to have found shelter from the forests and the trails, and fearful of the new collection of hearts she seemed destined to break, and the social ostracising she seemed destined to spawn. (but not in a icky kind of way)

~~~~

Manbearpig used his incredible detective skills and inquire abilities to ascertain the exact location of Gustoff.

"Hey." He said. He expected a return response, and was planning on going from there. So great was his ability to manipulate a social encounter, that he was literally improvising this one as it went.

"Good afternoon. Are ye aware that you have a stick in your hair Lad?" Came back the unexpectedly complicated reply.

"...yes." Manbearpig replied, for he was. "I put it there." he elaborated.

"...ah." The barkeep replied. "ssso..."

"I'm looking for Gustoff." He interrupted. Figuring it best to state his business before any other items of his personage were awkwardly pointed out.

"I'm an NPC" the barkeep replied. "I mean, his shop's over there, on that street, close to that thing, in the marketplace. You could miss it, but, you won't, because it's a good idea if you get over there as that's pretty much where this story's plot begins."

~~~~

"YEAH! FUCK YOU!" Ash continued, screaming at the liquefied Orc, kicking various pieces of it. "MESS YOU UP!" he continued, before searching and sifting his person for treasure. "...Teach that fucker to look in any way like he was up to no good..." he mumbled to himself, riding a sweet ride of adrenalin to which he'd become addicted as he eventually found a small, unliquefied pink gem.

~~~~

Ding da ding ding came the sweet chimes over Gustoff's door, as the entwigged Manbearpig entered in as magestic a manner as he was currently able. "Hey! Manboarswi, er, Manpigbe..."

"Gustoff!" Manbearpig interrupted, knowing that Gustoff's shop was more likely to close in a few hours than its owner was likely at remembering his name. Though once having been truly fantastic at adventuring, Gustoff now spent most of his time collecting memory and health enhancing artifacts, so that he could remember where he kept his other memory and health enhancing potions.

His prices had always been fair - many believed it was because he enjoyed hearing the stories of adventurers he supplied, and living vicariously through the ones that lived long enough to do so.

Gustoff himself had quite a story, but, that was another adventure altogether. The short version, is that he's pretty old and senile now, and has most of his food delivered, as having undead pick up your pizza can sometimes lead to chipping a tooth on a misplaced pinky bone.

"Hey man!" Gustoff finally finished, giving up on the exercise of naming for until after he rummaged and found another memory-stone to orbit his already somewhat cluttered upper cranium.

As Manbearpig unveiled his tale of woe in as few words as possible to Gustoff, feeling it best to be vague and general in many areas, Jay El did his best to plead with an elderly woman to let him go.

~~~~

Meanwhile, Jay El, still quite mad and quite evil, was continuing to plead with an elderly woman "...And he beats me, and humps me..." he continued, somewhat unconvincingly.

The Woman looked at him with a strange amount of lust in her eyes "Then what does he do to you, you naughty boy?" Jay El gave up temporarily.

Session 1 - Ah newbs... How fresh they smell...

Welcome to the Smell of noobs!


All the posts aren't this long, nor are they this incoherent.
You'll note on your right, there is a list of chapters...


In the beginning, things were juuuust getting going... and there was much learning on both ends ;-D


Our tale begins as four unlikely companions begin their individual tales of adventure. Some, for money, some for fame, some, for friendship, and some simply to return home the man they once were.

All would find a purpose and a synergy with each other that would greatly outweigh their individual abilities, and needs.

...Eventually.

Our party, all from distant lands, with reasons of their own, have ended up in the town of Roe. All have had miniature adventures, from being shunned socially, to being disappointed in the level of challenge brought fourth, to...  well, in the case of Jay El, to being tied to a horse because you're bat shit crazy and evil due to a curse put upon you by a cursed blade.  Then, there was Manbearpig, whose basic reasons for travelling included having to put up with your best friend turning bat shit evil and crazy and having to tie him to a horse.



Jay El, the former captain of the guard of Jay Elville and both beloved husband and doting Father, has been burdened with a curse no one man should have ever had to endure.

Burning with sickness, madness, and an evil that could only be described as infernal... well, it couldn't only be described as infernal... but, that's a pretty good description of it, anyway. Okay, so, he's pretty evil, and his friend, burdened with his own (admittedly socially awkward, but not as bad as the whole demon/infernal thing) curse of suck-ass nameage, Manbearpig, who has taken it upon himself to be Jay-El's protector.

It is to Roe they have been headed all this time, in search of Gustoff; the main reason being that he's the wisest Wizard Manbearpig has ever known, and his prices were good.

MORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!

Meanwhile...  Ash, showing a lifetime of scars highlighting the many occurrences where shoot first (well, jump and stab first) ask questions later has been his motto, has found an unarmed, but from his perspective, clearly up to no good Orcish fellow. (and, by that, I mean, an Orc).

Desperately wanting to jump and kill something, Ash immediately springs into battle, and all but liquefies the unfortunate first combatant of the Dragoon. In fact, if one were a skeptical person, one almost might think that the Gods had placed this unfortunate sap in front of Ash in order to figure out what kinda stuff he could do, and how well he could do it. Or, maybe the Gods were still trying to figure out things like gravity and physics, and felt it best to test it on the more sturdy of folk in an isolated un-story-creating event.

Ah, but Gods are far from perfect. Just as the lightest touch of a butterfly wing can cause disasters across the globe, so to, apparently, can a random encounter lay waste to an entire city of Orcs two days march away. But, we're getting ahead of ourselves...