Hit 'em high, hit 'em high

The group landed in a icy cave, and noted that the icy walls were filled with diamonds, as well as seemingly masterwork items, rings, pendents, cloaks, and a few lesser gems and seemingly mundane items as well.

"Jackpot!" Yelled Raelin as the group landed upon a icy mound which roared and stood up upon their descent.

"Dragon!" yelled Ash, and, silently to himself, "(about friggin' time)"

The white dragon roared its challenge upon the party and shot fourth its icy breath, freezing many of them in place while Ash and Raelin managed to dodge in time.

"I'll hit him high!" is what one of them should have yelled, or, optionally "you hit him low" would have worked just as well, assuming cooperative and amicable teamwork.

However, Ash jumped high, and Raelin shot fireball high.  Both... hit the dragon.  One hit the dragon... and Ash, who steamed, angrily (and due to the heat).

"Totally accidental!" Raelin yelped, surprisingly sincere.

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uhh... Fifty Cent?

"We're totally winning!" Tribby yelled.  Med laughed with her "Yeah!"

(it was around then that they noticed that none of the baddies had gotten to move yet)

"Oh..." Tribby attempted, as the Bone Devil slashed Ash considerably worse than he'd slashed it, and, to make matters worse, appeared to have either teleported or gone invisible.

"ssshhhiiii..." Tribby continued, as volley upon volley of stones and arrows were launched at Med, tearing through her once prudish and now somewhat Cher-ish garments.  "ttttt" Tribby continued, as the Troll Skeleton and his buddies smashed her with their arms and raked her with their claws.

Jay El stared in Terror as the Bodaks approached, but, his faith seemed to preserve him from their stares of death.

Raelin wrinkled his nose.  "Is that the Ghasts?  Yeesh." and launched a fireball.

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Bone Thugs

The group entered the BOSS ROOM, and, similar to a Megaman boss level, the doors closed and vanished behind them.

"Wuh oh." Jay El grimaced, noting the rather terrifying Bone Devil in the center of the room, the Mohrgs, Bodaks, and undead Trolls.

"Wuh oh!" Med grimaced, noting the shelves of undead goblins skeletons mixed with human skeletons above them, all armed with slings and bows.

Wasting little time, Med took to the skies and fired upon the goblins above with her searing light.

Jay El took a similar approach and attacked the other side of the room.

Ash dove headlong towards the Bone Devil itself, managing to spear it with a mighty blow.

Raelin launched a fireball, and Tribby ran and smashed the nearest skeleton.

All and all, the battle was going favorably.

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Inventory. Write 'er down, folks.

"So... the door actually says boss on it." Ash sighed, rolling his eyes.

Jay El smiled.  "Well, she's like, what, 5, mentally?"

"Regardless, I mock this as a concept."

"Moving forward..." Raelin prompted, clearly wishing to megahaduken something else.

The group entered the room, and saw a long hallway with a target at the end.  In front of them, was a red line.

"We should shoot that target." Ash said, announcing what, at least one would hope, the entire group was thinking.  "Does anyone have any golden arrows left?"

Everyone murmured about meaning to put it into their inventory at some point, but having completely forgotten, had, at some point, apparently, lost their arrows.

Ash sighed.  "Well, I still have the 4 that I picked up, earlier."

Manbearpig looked despondently down in the general region of his crotch.  He'd always had a hard time holding on to material goods.

Ash tossed the golden arrows to Manbearpig who, sadly, was the best shot of the group.

Manbearpig looked down at the arrows, back up at Ash, back down at the bow, back up at Ash, over to Raelin, back at the ENTIRE WORLD AND ALL ITS OCCUPANTS ENCOMPASSED INTO A SINGLE POINT IN SPACE (otherwise known as the DM) and, eventually, took the shot.

"Dang." he sighed.

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Geronimo?

Raelin peered over the pit, down at the ice below, and noted that, although very, very thick, the ice was not solid.  "I think there's undead sharks swimming below." he noted.  "And possibly some kind of piranha."

"Undead piranha"

"...yes." he sighed "undead piranha"

The group raised their collective hands to discuss strategy while Raelin shot a beam of heat through the 15 feet of ice, into the water below and methodically began depth charging the contents of the frozen lake below with fireballs.

"Well, what if we simply take 20 to thaw the ice?"
"What?  How does that even..."

Raelin sighed and shot ricocheting lightning into the depths below, and smiled as hundreds of undead piranha floated (for no real apparent reason, honestly - its not like they suddenly filled with air) to the surface.

"Can't we just take 20 on anything?  Like, that one time I took 20 on a search check.  Its like that, isn't it?"
"No... 20 doesn't just 'make things happen' it implies you're taking a very thorough, long approach to something, not altering reality..."
"Well then what are we 'taking'?"

Raelin noted that his approach was working and, using his noodle (or rather, his fireball) he detonated a spell with the center of the ice at the epicenter, neatly frying a shark, and making a 30' hole in the ice through which he could, upon a whim of which he was quite unlikely to have, jump into.

Noting that there was one more shark alive, he fried it.

"Tribby." he smiled, "go jump into the freezing water and grab the chest, will you?"

There was a splash and the yell of one of the more common battle cries of an early teen.

"CANNON BALL!!!!"

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Kame Hame Huh?

"How did you do that!?" Ash asked Raelin, who was still standing there as chunks of toasted Hydra fell all around him, vibrating his fist above his head like Bruce Lee after breaking someone's spine.

"eeeeAAAaaa...eh?  How'd I do what?" he said, putting away his vibrating palm of fury.

"The whole nuke-the-entire-hydra-with-one-blast, thing."

"Oh.  Well, the DM doesn't know how the rules apply to a hydra's multiple heads."

"Ah."

"Good enough for me.  Let's go back to the ice thing."

DM's Note:  Okay no, this conversation didn't happen, but, it will explain to you, the reader, how such an awesome beast could be felled so easily.


[Yay for n00b DMs!]

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Hydra Battle pt 3

Med blinded one head, lit afire another, and cleaved with a huge, flaming sword from the heavens down through the center mass of the creature.

Seeing the success an equipped character was having, the rest of the party followed suit.  Raelin was first in line.

"Pants and fire.  Pants and fire.  Oh how I love, pants and fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrre...."  Raelin grabbed the jewels of the creature tight in his fist "BALLS!" he yelled, erupting in an empowered conflagration of cacophonous carnage as though it were an entire fireworks display contained within a very small area, and the composer of the composition went "meh, just shoot 'em all at once"

The beast, understandably fell and died.

Everyone collected their gear, and, was reborn.

"YES." they all collectively said.  "Let's go kick that bloody Petal's ass."

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Raelin's first step towards hellspawn.

Raelin examined the chains.  They seemed to be able to expand to nearly limitless length, were strong, and seemed to respond to his will!

"We can totally use these to get out of here." he smiled.  "Like spawn!"

The party did so.  (Ash just jumped)  And returned to the junction with the pit.

Raelin then used the chains so that the party could explore down into the pit below with the single undead (with the arrow in his left eye, now).

It was a huge, iced over lake, filled with undead sharks, and piranha.  At the bottom of the lake, seemed to be some form of chest.  "neat." they said, and moved on, using the chains to explore the uppermost left section of the cavern.

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Who is on first? THIRD BASE!

The group entered the first room, grumbling about how they really would have paid attention if they'd been paying attention, and, noted a box.

"Hey, a box." said Ash, like some sort of children's novel.  "And it says: Caution, will reduce wealth" on it.

He paused, glanced at all of his naked companions, shrugged, and opened the box.  Inside, was a ring.  He shrugged again and put it on, and glanced down at his genitals.

Nothing happened.

The group examined the room, and noted that one of the walls was a shimmering type wall, which, Raelin identified as a particular spell which could only be breached via a wooden object.

Tribby walked into it, and asked what it was.  Raelin told her again.

Jay El walked into it and asked what it was.  Raelin told him again.

Eventually, after some discussion (ironically from the half-deaf Ash) about listening skills, the group went down the hallway, and opened a door.

Behind which, was a rather terrifying undead Ogre wielding a wooden club.

Jay El looked at the room, and wondered what was inside it - everyone told him there was an undead ogre wielding a wooden club.  He asked where it was, and they informed him that it was inside the room that he was looking in.

Everyone ran away, Jay El attempted to hide behind something that wasn't there, and, in perhaps a showing of things to come, Raelin informed him as such.  "There isn't anything there to hide behind, Jay El.  This is just a hallway with an undead Ogre at the end of it - you should be running."

Jay El struggled with the complex visuals, and, eventually, acquiesced that Raelin was correct.

As they were being chased by the undead Ogre, they caught a glimpse of the rest of the room behind him - which was filled with more undead - one of which appeared to be a dragon.

The group finished its strategic retreat, gang beat the Ogre, and opened the rippling wood-opens-me portal.

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Nobody lets Petal monologue.

The group climbed out and sighed.

"God damn it." Ash grunted.  "We're back where we started."

Jay El smiled, "that's true buddy ol' pal, but hey, at least we have a new door to go through, now!"

"Hello." said the world.

"Oooooh." the party attempted "...kaaay..."

The walls warped around, and forged a Petal.

"Hey!  It's Petal!" Jay El smiled "Hi Petal!  Sorry about before!"

"Hello biggies." Petal smiled.  "Welcomes to no-nicey place where Petal makesies the rules."

"Awesome, can you get us out of here?"

"QUIET!" Petal yelled, doing her best to be dramatic and evil.  "Petal knows youse is all trying to be goodies but just suck at it."

The group all agreed except for Raelin "Uh, actually, I'm not trying t..."

"No, Petal knows, not you - Petal gets it.  -Anyway, Petal was saying,"

"Its just that I"m not with these people, and, I'm evil.  So, if you're evil..."

"Quiet, please - Petal is monologuing."

"Big word for a pixie."

"Will you... (sigh)  Right.  Anyway:  Petal has been trying to decide on weather or not to killsies you all, or helpsies you out - as Petal would really like to killsies you all, but, you are all needed to savezies the world."

"Wait." Raelin interjected "all of us are needed?"

"...(sigh) yes, all-of-you-are-needed MOVING ON, you..."

"So I can't kill... like... any of these people?"
"So we can't kill Raelin?"

"NO!  N... look, I'm going to be doing the killing!  I'm the big scary evil thing!"

"Heh, right.  Sure, very scary.  Look - just to be clear, why are you mad at us?"

"B... bec... (wasn't I clear on that?  I felt I was clear on that.)  BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY ENTIRE FAMILY... and... also broke some of my toys."

"Oh.  Okay."

"..."

"So..."

"Petal is just seeing if there are any more QUESTIONS."

"No, we're good."

"...okay then.  As Petal was saying - Petal is going to flip a coin.  Heads, petal sends you to a place where youse all gets to watch each others die, forevers and evers.  Tai...."

"What's tails?"

"...ls... TAILS IS Petal helps you.  She gives you one of the thingies you needzies to save the world...sies."

The fairy flipped the coin that would decide the group's entire fate.

"Wait, which one are we hoping for again?"

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A glimpse into the male psyche.

Med blushed, and did her best to hide her naked form.

"Oh crap, are we still all telepathically linked?  I hope not.  Don't think about pushing that Nun's head down and..."
"YES!  WE ARE STILL TELEPATHICALLY LINKED!" Yelled Med, "STOP IT!"

"damn!  She knows!" thought everyone in the party.

Raelin paused.  "I hate all of you."

Oddly, that helped everyone regain their composure and focus.  "Right!  Let's all climb up and get the hell out of here." Ash grunted.

"Med, you go first."

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56:34 / 60:00 Riddle my wrists, no wait, I mean...

The Party Entered the Room of Riddles

"Y'know, this is my first room of riddles" Med remarked to the rest of the party's surprise. 

Glowing letters appeared in front of Manbearpig.

A king had two sons. The king was getting very old and he didn't know who to give his kingdom to. So he got his sons together for a horse race. He said Whoever's horse crosses the finish line last gets my kingdom. 

So the Sons both started out moving very slow, neither one wishing to pass the other.  Eventually, they noticed an old man walking past them, who they told of their race.  He gave them some advice, and, they followed it and took off as fast as they could.  

What was the advice?

Med paused, and whispered to Manbearpig "swap horses?"

The riddle dissolved, and more of the invisible path was made walkable.

Shimmering words appeared before Ash!

Studies have proven that cheetahs have more hair on one side then on their other side. Some people believe that this is because when Cheetahs lay on their side they need insulation from the cold on the floor or ground. Which side of a cat has more hair? 

Jay El laughed, having heard this one as a child.  "The outside!"

The path elongated, and shimmering words appeared in front of Jay El

What is made of wood but has never been cut?

Jay El frowned "Why did I get the retarded one?  A tree."

The riddle faded, the path elongated, and words shimmered into Raelin's view.

A prison, a sanctuary, a shield and a cell, death would occur had it fell, no hinges nor doors nor windows nor lid, yet golden be what inside, is hid.

Ash pshawed, "a friggin egg, man.  Everyone knows that."

The words sighed, vanished, and shimmered anew in front of Tribby.

A Falcon lays 7 eggs, they hatch and are healthy.  She feeds them, cares for them, and teaches them to fly.  Half of them are boys.  How is this possible?

There was silence.

"Wait, why does Tribby get the hard one?" Jay El said, quite insulted.  "I mean..."

"Shut up!  We don't have time for this!" Raelin snapped.  "it's because the Mom counts, right?"

57:12/60 - The floor sinked slightly

"Oh crap."

The group mumbled to themselves for a bit

58:15/60  "There are two yolks in one?" The floor sunk dramatically.

Ash grunted "The flying part is important..."

59:32/60:00 "Half of them are boys, and the other half are men!" Ash laughed, jokingly

The riddle dissolved.  Apparently he'd been at least partially correct.

Raelin sighed "Whoever put us in here is going to die horribly."

Words shimmered in front of Med.  Raelin groaned.

What is the size of an elephant, lighter than a duck, which follows both creatures?

59:55 / 60:00 "Bloody... THEIR SHADOW!" Raelin screamed.

The riddles complete, and with 5 seconds to spare, the heroes darted for the resulting opening.  As they did so, they began to transform back into their bipedal, opposable thumbed, increased brain cavity selves, and, due to the remaining psychic link, heard nearly immediately what each of them thought of each other's nakedness.

What nobody expected, was that when Tribby turned back, she would split in half.  The invisible path was not big enough to support both of them and, at that moment, Tribby's consciousness had to pick.

Was she to return to the ogre body, or the half elf?

XP


 Quests
  Surviving Petal's Right Brain: 23*75 = 1725


 Killing Stuff
  Ash
    Medium Undead 100
    (Higher CR due to nudity)


 Cool Stuff
  Ash
    Megaraptor lone battle 300
    Megaraptor teeth bashin' spiderman flippin' dinosaur ridin' 300


  Ash 2425
  Jay El 1725
  Manbearpig 1725
  Med 1725
  Raelin 1725

Part 1 (No Tribby)

XP

 Quests

  Surviving Petal's Left Brain: 29*125 = 3625

 Roleplaying

  Med

  wanting to smash stuff in new body 20

  Raelin

  inner monologue 50

  Manbearpig

  Mr. Ed voice 50

 Honors (+5% p/successful creative solution)

Med 17.5%

Raelin 25%

Ash 27.5%

Jay El 10%

  Med (3625+20)*1.175 = 4283

  Raelin (3625+50)*1.25 = 4594

  Ash (3625)*1.275 = 4622

  Jay El (3625)*1.1 = 3988

  Manbearpig (3625+50)*1 = 3675

53:60 / 60:00 - Tick tock!

The party entered a large, five sided room with a huge, deep, dark pit being its only feature.  At the bottom came the sound of rattling bones.

"Those bones sound undead." Ash grunted.

"Man, how do we get across?" Raelin squeaked, noticing Ash's increased lewd stares towards his general direction.  

"Now you know how I feel" Med replied.

"We could use the spiderwalk potion on the duckephant, ride her across..."

"could go back and get all the ropes, tie them together..."

"go down and kill all the undead..."

"SAND!"

Everyone stopped.  "Sand?"

Med smiled, "Yeah, sand!"

Everyone riiiiiiight-ed.  "Oh yeah, the riddle.  Sand.  Okay..."

"So we need sand.  There was that pit of quick to medium quicksand." 

"Right!"

"So what do we do with it?"

"Does the undead snake have skin?"

"No."

"Hm.  No sack-option, then."

"That was creative."

"Thanks."

"Could we superheat the eye dropper we used to drop the potion on tribby, and bend it around the corners, and use it to transport the sand?"

"...no."

"Okay..."

Eventually, they went back, grabbed a handful of sand, and threw it into the pit, showing an invisible bridge.

"Ooooh, like that movie!" they all ooohed.  "Right right."

They ran back, got more sand, and made clear the method with which they were to cross.

They all celebrated and took a moment to congratulate each other on their collective intelligence.

"I'm the most edible creature here - hurry the fuck up!" Raelin interjected.

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53/60 Raelin: "I'm the most edible creature here, hurry the fuck up."

50:22 / 60:00 You, solve the antilife equation!

The group opened up the door, and was met with a riddle, the answer was sand, but Ash swore the answer was time.  Regardless, eventually, Med got the answer "right".

After that, nothing seemed to happen, which was something of a let down.  There'd been a riddle on a wall, they'd answered the riddle, and nothing had happened.

Previous DND experiences had not prepared them for this.  (it was at this point that it occured to the DM to start putting riddles randomly on all sorts of walls, simply to detain the party - however, in this case, answering the riddle would prove useful... shortly)

"Hey, that's a large, undead snake with a key around its neck." said Med, wanting to have some dialog.

Thinking quickly, Raelin came up with the basic strategy.  "You, the one who is thinking of eating me, go distract the snake by getting too close to its biting mouth."

"Okay!"

"And you, fatty, step on it."

"Okay!"

"And you, fly over there and grab the key."

"Okay!"

It all worked.
(What can I say?  It wasn't all that dramatic)

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40:00 / 60:00 Closer... closer... meh.

Ash, carrying Raelin, Jay El, and Tribby (of whom the entire party had forgotten was there in Falcon (Thaco) form, as her player was absent) on his back as the ceiling got closer... closer... CLOSER... not really all that suspensefully cloooose aaaaand, leaving just enough time to go back for his proverbial hat, making it across as the ceiling hit the floor behind them.

The three companions jumped off, hit the three switches in the room simultaneously - each switch filling a small potion of "Shrink Animal (Weak)" with a single drop.

As they looked at the small eye dropper in the wall, they realized that it led to a very small, glass tube, and the party decided as a whole that it would be a good idea to put the shrink animal potion into it at some point.

(Also, the door to the maze opened.)

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37:11 / 60:00 +4 to all lice checks

Raelin attempted to snap, failed, attempted to facepalm his forehead, failed, and eventually, simply announced "D'oh!  I'll be right back."

Quickly, he (taking Med with him) went back to the first room, got Med to lower him into the pit with her trunk, scurried across, gnawed a rope, had Mr. Jangles... that is, Jay El, grab the rope and bring it back, nailed the rope to the wooden floor, and tossed it across for Shibou, that is, Med, to grab with her trunk, and then had the Monkey go across the rope followed shortly by Raelin.

"There." he smiled.  +1 to monkey!

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29:56 / 60:00 I use the same reasoning in my porn career

"I'm growing increasingly impatient with all this being-a-rat-and-not-being-able-to-light-people-on-fire... thing."

"Quiet Raelin."

"I'm just saying."

Ash surveyed the area, and noted that there was a hallway with a slow, crushing ceiling "trap" in it which seemed activated by a pressure plate.  "Hmm...  I could run to the end of the hallway before that ceiling crushed me I'll bet." he thought to himself.

"Shouldn't we send the cheetah?" Came Jay El's reply.

"I am the cheetah!  Listening skills!"

"Oh.  Right."

"I wanna step on the pressure plate!"

"NO!  That triggers the crushing ceiling trap!"

"But I'm huge!"

Raelin paused and put his rat hand on Med's giant leg "That is not a good reason" he whispered softly.

"...oh."

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09:11 / 60:00 Workin' togeeeether

Raelin crawled along the grate and noted that, after a bit, below him, were the very ropes which dangled over the abyss which Jay El was attempting to cross.  Using his ratty wits, Raelin gnawed through every second rope, allowing the ropes which, initially, were sightly sagging, to fall down into nice, vertical, easily swingable ropes.

Jay El wiped his hands on his legs and jumped onto the ropes, easily swinging across.  When he was about half way, Raelin sent him a nice evil thought that if he so chose, he could easily gnaw through the ropes to which Jay El was currently clinging.

After a tense moment, Jay El continued along his way and grabbed the potion.  He could not, however, swing back with only one hand, and the potion was too heavy to hold in his mouth.

Raelin jumped out of the way, and Jay El climbed the ropes, and placed the potion in the hole, and Raelin jumped back - pushing the potion all the way to the entrance while Jay El swung back so that he could catch it.

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Tribby would be grateful

Bitching at each other relentlessly, Jay El and Raelin explored the ventilation shaft, and noted there was an opening, as well as a vent which neither could easily reach.  At the opening, there appeared to be a deadly abyss, at the end of which lay a clearly labelled potion of spiderwalk, above the pit was a high ceiling with ropes attached to it, drooping slightly, but not within jumping distance of Jay El.

Ash thought impatiently into their minds.  "Throw the Rat into the vent!"

Jay El and Raelin frowned at each other, but acquiesed that this was the way to go.

Raelin bit his finger, Jay El let out a monkey-yelp, and, frowning, held him over the spiked pit meaningfully.  "Bite me again." he grinned.

Raelin peed himself.

Jay El smiled for a moment, then, realized he was holding the rodent, sighed, and raised the rat up to the vent. Raelin pooped in appreciation.

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Seriously? No traps at all? I rolled a 20...

Raelin timidly explored the bottom of the pit; taking special care to avoid touching the points, walls, and other related paranoia, and found a small hole which he could fit through.  After much deliberation, he did so.

Eventually, Raelin ended up in some tunnels and, came upon a grate which, as he looked out of it, looked out at Jay El from above.  Using his cute widdle wat hands, Raelin un-screwed the grate, considered dropping it on Jay El and decided against it, and, Jay El jumped up.

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