Royal Socks

Raelin had longed to see, and indeed, hold, the prism of power for so long that it had become something of a private obsession of his.

"The problem with immortality, is that Kings tend to hang around long since they've outstayed their welcome." he sighed.  If it wasn't for the blasted King, and his ridiculous treaty with the tribe of Nykter, he would have long ago simply stolen the prism for his studies.

It alone, seemed to emanate a concentrated magical presence.  It alone would either confirm, or deny the existence of a quantifiable unit of magical power.  It alone would tell him if his King and all his religious followers were full of shit, or, if Raelin needed to catch up on his prayer.

Secretly, he suspected that the entire reason the tribe of Nykter had this prism in its possession was for that exact reason.  Fear of anti-dogmatic proof. 

What other reason could the King possibly have for allowing a tribe of primitaves to keep an object of such limitless potential?  Surely even that braindead pustule could fathom what could be DONE with such an object when it wasn't used for something as trivial as keeping those retarded & sickeningly adorable Nyktars alive...

"And what if the Ogres get their hands on it!?" He yelled, launching a small beam of frost near his pet rat as an exclamation point.  "SKEEK!" *UNNAMED* cursed, skittering across the cobblestones and finding an urn to hide behind.  

Since the fall of Roe, and the rumored population increase happening with the Goblins, there was seemingly more reasons on a daily basis to eviscerate the King for his apathetic stupidity.

There was a knock at his door.  "Skuzz inc - delivery for ya!" came the cry.  "Damn rats..." he grumbled, sending an angry scowl at *UNNAMED* as he passed.  "WHAT?!" he yelled, whirling open the door.

"Ahem:  Da King wants ya ta go to da castle and pick up a mission o' da utmost importance." the rat finished, holding out his hand for a tip.

Raelin slammed the door in his face.  "That's all I need!" he yelled, tromping back up his stairs to get his formal attire.

"Probably needs help locating his socks..." he grumbled to himself and grabbing his walking stick.

I thought she'd never leave

"Man, I thought she'd never leave" Skuzz said, coming out from the bushes, as Tribby trundled her way up to the guard tower like a naked-yet-horrific, hairy version of Baywatch.

"Skuzz!" The party exclaimed like a bad 80's bar-based-sitcom cast.

"Yeah, how the fuck yew doin'?" He replied, in his typical, personable manner.

"Can we kill him now?" Came Ashley's pointed remark.

"Hey fuck-face, good to see you too." He smiled, and looked up at the other branch, "you too dog-face" he said, pointing in a somewhat facetious flirtatious manner to Shitanya.  "How's poopin' on tings workin' out fer ya by the way?"

"Seriously, can we just tie him up or something?  I haven't stabbed a damn thing today." Ash continued, his requests falling on deaf ears (ironically).

Manbearpig, in a rare moment of authority, puffed out his chest and prepared for a soliloquy without equal.  "No." he said, gesturing with a twig.  "No."

As a group, they looked somewhat silly, all in the same tree, talking to a rat.  If one were to paint a painting of the scene, it'd probably be misinterpreted as some representation of the downfall of society, or something about the plague.  Thankfully, there were no painters nearby.

"What happened here?" came Jay El's slowly swaying query.  "I should probably get down from this tree..." he figured, and hopped down.  "So yeah, what happened here?"

"Yeah, it was the damnedest thing - the Ogres and the Bugbears, who never worked together before, mind you, banned together and took out the Orcs.  Normally, that wouldn't have been so easy for dem ta do, but, turns out, some folks wiped out the majority of the Orcs a bit before dat, so it was mostly women and children dat were left.  Anyhoo, after dat, dey took out Kippy - da Halfling village.  Dey pretty much just depended on da Orcs bein' a good buffer for dem.  I even heard dey wuz given' dem weapons 'n stuff sometimes - y'know, like usin' dem as shields.  Roe did da same."

The group looked at each other awkwardly.  "Uh huh." they said.

"Anyways, I'm not sure how da Halflings didn't notice all dis was happenin' - and they're usually pretty good at gettin' messages to Roe - I mean, there was no fuckin' warning at all!  The attack came and we wuz all like 'what the fuck' y'know what I mean?"

Shitanya avoided eye contact and made a mumbling excuse about not paying attention.

"Anyway, the ogres and da bugbears pretty much wiped out da humans.  Shitface wuz a good friend doe.  I mean, he stuck wit' me.  Fought against his own kind and gave us time to get outta dere.  He was a good guy.  Fuckin' dumb, but a good man."

"What about Gustoff?  Did he make it out?"

"Nah, dey burned his place to da ground.  The bugger never had a chance.  I talked wit' him though, before da end.  He told me ta give youse guys the shard.  He gave me a bunch o' moonstones, so, I figured you guys' price wuz paid 'n all dat.  So...  yeah.  Here."

"Wow, that's an honorable thing to do, for a rat.  I'm impressed."

"Hey, I'm Skuzzy, y'know?  I mean, I do some stuff most folks'd 'tink wuzin't da best, most nobelest ting.  But yeah, I'm a rat o' my word.  Besides, it was his dying request, y'know?  Bygons."

"Cool.  Well, thank you for that."

"Hey, yer welcome man."

...

"So why the fuck are you hangin' out with an Ogre, anyway?"

"Oh, that's Tribby, she got transformed."

"Bah hah ahahaa hahaha, da fuckin' broad!?  No shit, really!?  Ha ha ha ha ha, dat's hillarious!  Why is she goin' into town?"

"Oh, well, we thought she'd go and... talk with... the evil murdering marauders.  Naked.  Without speaking their language."

"Huh."

"Good plan, right?"

"Its a plan, sure.  So... how good of a friend is dis Tribby?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, uh... no reason.  I'm sure your plan'll work out... awesome.  Do you mind if I hang out 'n watch?"

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Shitanya Dumpalina, The Lawful Monk destined to become a chaotic barbarian...

Jay El's compass leads them to the garbage dump, where they meet Shitface, the rather fecally obsessed Ogre guard.

Shitanya puts aside her Monkish dignity and earns her name, and does her part in bribing Shitface... by shitting on his face. What was truly remarkable about this bartering offer, was that Shitface had never introduced himself, nor explained his rather socially awkward desires. Somehow, she had just... known. (or, possibly, her player had been suffering from tourretes, and the DM simply capitalized on it)

And, while it wasn't very Monk-ish to offer to shit in someone's mouth, one couldn't argue with the results.

Granted, Ash did his part too, though for him, the single gold piece seemed trivial in comparison to the facial defecation that Shitanya had so generously offered.

The party cast a whisper spell on each other, went in, did a bunch of rolls to talk to the rat, and got a rather surprising "What the fuck you want?" common-tongued reply.

Skuzz endeared himself to the party, though took a distinct dislike to Shitanya, (likely due to her repeated somewhat un-monk-ish offerings of simply eating the rodent) and had her wait outside, much to Shitface's delight.

"Put a leash on yer fuckin' dawg" became Skuzz's catchphrase for the night, as he bartered with the group.

Tribby and Jay El combined into a reasonably believable good cop, while Ash played himself. The group eventually negotiated a few different trades, and ended up discovering that Skuzz actually knew a fair bit about the upcoming apocalypse, and was a fairly shrewd negotiator. Shitanya learned that Shitface knew a LOT about feces, and the different variants thereof; which, given the whisper spell's workings, made for some interesting expository dialogue.

Eventually, the party, after using Tribby's familiar as a diversion and having a brief still-surrounded-by-rats-that-are-only-a-few-feet-away "secret" discussion on weather or not to kill, steal or otherwise backstab the rats, decided it would be best to go talk to Gustoff about the 8-20 moonrocks that Skuzz had ever so politely and loquaciously requested in exchange for The Crystal.

Experience
Shitanya: 15
Manbearpig: 600
Ash: 615
Tribby: 870
Jay El: 1200
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