uhh... Fifty Cent?

"We're totally winning!" Tribby yelled.  Med laughed with her "Yeah!"

(it was around then that they noticed that none of the baddies had gotten to move yet)

"Oh..." Tribby attempted, as the Bone Devil slashed Ash considerably worse than he'd slashed it, and, to make matters worse, appeared to have either teleported or gone invisible.

"ssshhhiiii..." Tribby continued, as volley upon volley of stones and arrows were launched at Med, tearing through her once prudish and now somewhat Cher-ish garments.  "ttttt" Tribby continued, as the Troll Skeleton and his buddies smashed her with their arms and raked her with their claws.

Jay El stared in Terror as the Bodaks approached, but, his faith seemed to preserve him from their stares of death.

Raelin wrinkled his nose.  "Is that the Ghasts?  Yeesh." and launched a fireball.

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Bone Thugs

The group entered the BOSS ROOM, and, similar to a Megaman boss level, the doors closed and vanished behind them.

"Wuh oh." Jay El grimaced, noting the rather terrifying Bone Devil in the center of the room, the Mohrgs, Bodaks, and undead Trolls.

"Wuh oh!" Med grimaced, noting the shelves of undead goblins skeletons mixed with human skeletons above them, all armed with slings and bows.

Wasting little time, Med took to the skies and fired upon the goblins above with her searing light.

Jay El took a similar approach and attacked the other side of the room.

Ash dove headlong towards the Bone Devil itself, managing to spear it with a mighty blow.

Raelin launched a fireball, and Tribby ran and smashed the nearest skeleton.

All and all, the battle was going favorably.

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Seriously, sometimes those things can really cut your hand.

Manbearpig squinted and aimed his wicked-awesome bow at the target, using one of Ash's written down golden arrows.

He would break this run of bad luck, bad shots, broken bow strings, accidentally injured teammates and misfires.  He would.

Manbearpig became one with the bow, and, not unlike Luke Skywalker upon firing his photon torpeedos into the Death Star's really-should-have-had-a-grate-on-it hole, he closed his eyes, and prayed.  The arrow loosed itself, and became one with the bullseye.

"Holy Toledo!" Jay El quipped, breaking Manbearpig's trance, and informing him that he had, for the first time, made the shot.

In fact, not only did he make the shot, but, he'd made it right smack in the middle.

"I...  I did it?" Manbearpig gasped, agog.  "I DID IT!  I DIDN'T EVEN CUT MY HAND WITH THE FLETCHINGS!"

12 potions of cure light wounds popped out of the wall, and the room beyond the red line (which, for the record, he'd been standing behind like a good little druid) was engulfed in cold vapor.  "Good thing none of us were in there!" he smiled, picking up the potions, reloading, and firing again.

After that moment, it was as if a curse had finally been lifted on the druid.

"Bullseye!  Bullseye!  Bullseye!" He smiled, as more prizes, namely, 15 potions of endure elements, a wand of featherfall, and a mysterious "salve of the force" were deposited into the prizes section.

"Man!  I wish I'd had some golden arrows of my own to shoot.  I'll bet there was some other really neat prizes to be won!"

The universe glared at the pigman, accusingly.

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Inventory. Write 'er down, folks.

"So... the door actually says boss on it." Ash sighed, rolling his eyes.

Jay El smiled.  "Well, she's like, what, 5, mentally?"

"Regardless, I mock this as a concept."

"Moving forward..." Raelin prompted, clearly wishing to megahaduken something else.

The group entered the room, and saw a long hallway with a target at the end.  In front of them, was a red line.

"We should shoot that target." Ash said, announcing what, at least one would hope, the entire group was thinking.  "Does anyone have any golden arrows left?"

Everyone murmured about meaning to put it into their inventory at some point, but having completely forgotten, had, at some point, apparently, lost their arrows.

Ash sighed.  "Well, I still have the 4 that I picked up, earlier."

Manbearpig looked despondently down in the general region of his crotch.  He'd always had a hard time holding on to material goods.

Ash tossed the golden arrows to Manbearpig who, sadly, was the best shot of the group.

Manbearpig looked down at the arrows, back up at Ash, back down at the bow, back up at Ash, over to Raelin, back at the ENTIRE WORLD AND ALL ITS OCCUPANTS ENCOMPASSED INTO A SINGLE POINT IN SPACE (otherwise known as the DM) and, eventually, took the shot.

"Dang." he sighed.

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XP & Map update

XP
 Killing Stuff
  Chain Demon 500
  Hydra 3000
  Sharks 5


 Cool Stuff
  Raelin
    Megahaduken +100


  Med
    Timely blindness +100  
  
  Ash 3505
  Manbearpig 3505
  Med 3605
  Raelin 3605
  Tribby 3505

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HOW many d6 of cold damage!?

Tribby floated in the water for a moment, and then remembered to swim down.  After achieving this method of propulsion, she made her way to the orange box at the bottom of the incredibly frozen lake.

Oddly, it was cold.  So cold, in fact, that she was growing numb.

Tribby decided to wait to see if the feeling would go away.

It didn't.

Eventually, she opened the chest, got the key out which, she would find out shortly, would open up a rather important door with the word "BOSS" on it.

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DM's note:  Okay, this didn't exactly happen this way, but it makes me smile to exaggerate this one part.

Geronimo?

Raelin peered over the pit, down at the ice below, and noted that, although very, very thick, the ice was not solid.  "I think there's undead sharks swimming below." he noted.  "And possibly some kind of piranha."

"Undead piranha"

"...yes." he sighed "undead piranha"

The group raised their collective hands to discuss strategy while Raelin shot a beam of heat through the 15 feet of ice, into the water below and methodically began depth charging the contents of the frozen lake below with fireballs.

"Well, what if we simply take 20 to thaw the ice?"
"What?  How does that even..."

Raelin sighed and shot ricocheting lightning into the depths below, and smiled as hundreds of undead piranha floated (for no real apparent reason, honestly - its not like they suddenly filled with air) to the surface.

"Can't we just take 20 on anything?  Like, that one time I took 20 on a search check.  Its like that, isn't it?"
"No... 20 doesn't just 'make things happen' it implies you're taking a very thorough, long approach to something, not altering reality..."
"Well then what are we 'taking'?"

Raelin noted that his approach was working and, using his noodle (or rather, his fireball) he detonated a spell with the center of the ice at the epicenter, neatly frying a shark, and making a 30' hole in the ice through which he could, upon a whim of which he was quite unlikely to have, jump into.

Noting that there was one more shark alive, he fried it.

"Tribby." he smiled, "go jump into the freezing water and grab the chest, will you?"

There was a splash and the yell of one of the more common battle cries of an early teen.

"CANNON BALL!!!!"

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Kame Hame Huh?

"How did you do that!?" Ash asked Raelin, who was still standing there as chunks of toasted Hydra fell all around him, vibrating his fist above his head like Bruce Lee after breaking someone's spine.

"eeeeAAAaaa...eh?  How'd I do what?" he said, putting away his vibrating palm of fury.

"The whole nuke-the-entire-hydra-with-one-blast, thing."

"Oh.  Well, the DM doesn't know how the rules apply to a hydra's multiple heads."

"Ah."

"Good enough for me.  Let's go back to the ice thing."

DM's Note:  Okay no, this conversation didn't happen, but, it will explain to you, the reader, how such an awesome beast could be felled so easily.


[Yay for n00b DMs!]

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Hydra Battle pt 3

Med blinded one head, lit afire another, and cleaved with a huge, flaming sword from the heavens down through the center mass of the creature.

Seeing the success an equipped character was having, the rest of the party followed suit.  Raelin was first in line.

"Pants and fire.  Pants and fire.  Oh how I love, pants and fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrre...."  Raelin grabbed the jewels of the creature tight in his fist "BALLS!" he yelled, erupting in an empowered conflagration of cacophonous carnage as though it were an entire fireworks display contained within a very small area, and the composer of the composition went "meh, just shoot 'em all at once"

The beast, understandably fell and died.

Everyone collected their gear, and, was reborn.

"YES." they all collectively said.  "Let's go kick that bloody Petal's ass."

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Hydra Battle pt 2

Twelve regenerative heads upon a very sturdy body, continued chomping and eating as the party cursed and moaned that they hadn't heard Ash's recommendation of retreat, and that really, they should be allowed to time travel as a result.

Ash shrugged, and joined the fray.  They would need his floppy springing and stabbing if they were to survive.

Med squinted, wondering if the beast was male or female, and noticed some sparkley gems upon the underbelly of the creature, reflected in the shiny obsidian floor.  Instantly, she knew that all of her gear and, indeed, very likely within the other gems, her party's gear, resided somehow within them.

"GEMS!  UNDERBELLY!  GEAR!" She yelled, and baywatch ran towards the creature's genitals.

Perhaps it was her heaving bosoms.  Perhaps it was that the Hydra was woefully unloved in this harsh dungeon where its only purpose had been to burst out of a wall dramatically.  Perhaps it was a bad dice roll.  But, it missed her entirely as she ran, slid under, grabbed her gem, and was suddenly renewed with full health, all her gear and, spells of her choosing prepared.

She smiled as she crackled with nearly forgotten abilities and energies.  "The gems are good."

Everyone huzzahed (and also sighed, as she was now clothed)
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Hydra Battle!

One would imagine that a beast so terrifying that Ash, the fearless springer and stabber of many would recommend a retreat, would, at the very least, make an impact on the rest of the group.

However, they weren't listening to Ash, or, felt that his opinion didn't matter.

Floppily, they nakedly charged the beast.  Some floppily attacked, others floppily cast some spells which required little to no spell components.

Ash sighed and watched them all floppily run to their doom.  "Hello?" he said again, "retreat?"

"what!?" they all yelled back, getting eaten by the hydra.  "Why didn't you say so earlier!?"

: Sorry for the long delay in posts, folks.  Things are back up and running now.  We might be putting this adventure on hold and starting up a new one, but, do not fear, for the n00bs will be there, in some form or another, regardless :)

Actually, no they didn't - but they really should have.

The group explored a huge, shiny obsidian room.  There seemed to be nothing inside the vast cavern.  There was a slight rumble, and then, abruptly, an entire wall exploded as a huge, twelve headed hydra burst into the room, roaring a challenge at the naked and barely armed party.

Ash grunted, sighed, grunted again questioningly, and then finally sighed.  "It is my professional opinion that we should retreat."

Everyone stared agog.

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Raelin's first step towards hellspawn.

Raelin examined the chains.  They seemed to be able to expand to nearly limitless length, were strong, and seemed to respond to his will!

"We can totally use these to get out of here." he smiled.  "Like spawn!"

The party did so.  (Ash just jumped)  And returned to the junction with the pit.

Raelin then used the chains so that the party could explore down into the pit below with the single undead (with the arrow in his left eye, now).

It was a huge, iced over lake, filled with undead sharks, and piranha.  At the bottom of the lake, seemed to be some form of chest.  "neat." they said, and moved on, using the chains to explore the uppermost left section of the cavern.

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Trauma

Ash opened the silver door, and noted that there was 19' drop "stairs" that went very, very far down.  The rest of the group smiled, they'd already figured out this particular type of puzzle.  "CLIMB DOWN!" they yelled in triumph.  (and they did!)

They entered a very dark room with a very high ceiling, filled with very scary things.  Specifically, dead people chained to walls who had clearly not died of natural causes.

The group heard a terrible rasp and suddenly, the chains were alive.  The group fought the chains valiently, but, there seemed to be a never ending supply - Ash explored deeper, and found the chain devil responsible for all the trouble, and attacked it directly.

Med looked and, falling for the creature's illusionary spell, noted that Ash was attacking her Father!  "DADDY!" she yelled, shooting a web spell at Ash and her Father in an attempt to break up the battle without harming either.

"NO!" Ash yelled, "its an illusion!"  But Med was convinced the creature was her Father.  As the battle continued, more and more of her friends attacked her Father, until, finally, Ash decapitated him with his silver sword which had turned silver the moment he'd touched it with the "cursed" ring.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Med screamed, holding out her hand in protest.

Raelin bent down and took some of the magic chains from the devil's body.  "Sweet, these things look magic!"

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Its the Ash show, starring me, I'm Ash!

It was at around this exact time that Ash pretty much did the dungeon by himself.

Maybe it was exasperation, maybe it was because he was hungry, or maybe it was because he just bloody well paid attention.

Ash jumped into the exploded remains of the undead dragon and his archer friends, and found 4 golden arrows and a bow.  He then went out into the next room, discovered that there was a huge pit, which, at the bottom, seemed to be slightly illuminated by a pair of glowing red eyes.  Reasoning that it was most likely an undead skeleton, he continued on to his right, discovering a 10' high shelf.

Hoisting himself up, he continued on.  The rest of the group stayed behind like confused roombas, finding the concept of climbing something 10' high impossible.

Solving a few minor puzzles as he went, he eventually encountered a gigantic, undead dinosaur with a golden sword within its chest.

Refusing to yell "I have at thee" he nonetheless, had at it.  Jumping and stabbing as was his trademark.

Raelin, being of reasonably high intelligence, suddenly solved the puzzle of the 10' obstruction.  "Hey...  I could climb over this!" he smiled, brilliantly.  Tribby, the 9' Ogre looked at the 10' obstruction and squinted.  The Elf's idea just, might, work.

Ash jumped and stabbed, and was swallowed by the giant tyrannosaurus!

The party gleefully climbed over the obstructions, being quite excited at their progress.

Ash, not missing a beat, smashed the creature's teeth from within, causing the creature to open its mouth in protest!

The rest of the group arrived and stared helpfully as Ash fought the giant behemoth!

Ash leapt from the creature's maw, spiderman vaulted up on an arc, and landed upon the back of the creature's skull, stabbing it once more from a vantage point where the creature was unable to counter!

Raelin snapped out of his awestruck daze first, and stabbed the creature in the big toe with the golden knife they'd acquired from the Ravid's treasure chest!  "HAH!" he yelled!

Ash continued to stab, all the while holding on as the creature thrashed violently!

"HAH!" Raelin yelled again, really poking the creature.

Tribby looked up at the creature, back at ash, back at Raelin, and asked what they were fighting.  Jay El informed her that it was the undead dragon from before.  Med mentioned that she thought they'd blown that up earlier.  The group discussed this some more while Ash screamed in bloodlust (can one have bloodlust against an undead?  Would that be bone-lust?)

Tribby ran up and attacked it with her club in the face... which was very high up.  Ash explained to her that it was still an undead tyrannosaurus rex.  Tribby apologized, and smashed it in the shin, instead.

Ash finally fell the beast and the group celebrated and discussed various aspects of the creature and what, in fact, it was.  Ash took the golden sword from the creature's chest and held it aloft.  The group asked where he'd gotten it from.

Ash headed back to the junction from which they'd came, and found a silver key was needed to unlock the door to the next area.  Manbearpig shot a golden arrow at the undead at the bottom of the pit.

Ash used the ring of poverty upon the golden key, turning it silver, and opened the door.

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I am sensing something from the DM...

The group made its way through the portal, explained to Jay El why they were now able to get through it, and discovered a new, and terrifyingly acid-filled room.

Seeing that it was terrifying, and acid-filled, everyone (including Jay El) decided not to walk into it.

The DM sighed a sigh of relief.

The group instead went back South, and entered another room, filled with furniture, and a floating Ravid.

In the center of the room, was a tell-tale chest filled with all sorts of items which were surely required to advance the plot, as well as a library no doubt filled with information everyone would need.

Tribby attempted to jump over the acid, Jay El told her that the acid was too far to jump across, Ash informed them both that they were no longer in a room with any acid.  Jay El attacked a chair.  Med checked her facebook.

Ash took the reigns and killed the Ravid, took the gold key from him, as well as a gold dagger.  He then told Tribby to smash an aluminum statue while Raelin read about the properties of Aluminum in the library.

Ash picked up the aluminum sword, and, after learning from Raelin that aluminum converted to hydrogen when exposed to acid, got Tribby to smash up the statue, re-explained why, and picked up some of the pieces, and put them into the acid room, which, after a short while, caused a rather large explosion, destroying the wall, and the undead dragon behind it.

Ash explored, found a ruby, and Manbearpig equipped a bow and 6 golden arrows dropped by the undead archers but forgot to write them down in his inventory for later.

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Who is on first? THIRD BASE!

The group entered the first room, grumbling about how they really would have paid attention if they'd been paying attention, and, noted a box.

"Hey, a box." said Ash, like some sort of children's novel.  "And it says: Caution, will reduce wealth" on it.

He paused, glanced at all of his naked companions, shrugged, and opened the box.  Inside, was a ring.  He shrugged again and put it on, and glanced down at his genitals.

Nothing happened.

The group examined the room, and noted that one of the walls was a shimmering type wall, which, Raelin identified as a particular spell which could only be breached via a wooden object.

Tribby walked into it, and asked what it was.  Raelin told her again.

Jay El walked into it and asked what it was.  Raelin told him again.

Eventually, after some discussion (ironically from the half-deaf Ash) about listening skills, the group went down the hallway, and opened a door.

Behind which, was a rather terrifying undead Ogre wielding a wooden club.

Jay El looked at the room, and wondered what was inside it - everyone told him there was an undead ogre wielding a wooden club.  He asked where it was, and they informed him that it was inside the room that he was looking in.

Everyone ran away, Jay El attempted to hide behind something that wasn't there, and, in perhaps a showing of things to come, Raelin informed him as such.  "There isn't anything there to hide behind, Jay El.  This is just a hallway with an undead Ogre at the end of it - you should be running."

Jay El struggled with the complex visuals, and, eventually, acquiesced that Raelin was correct.

As they were being chased by the undead Ogre, they caught a glimpse of the rest of the room behind him - which was filled with more undead - one of which appeared to be a dragon.

The group finished its strategic retreat, gang beat the Ogre, and opened the rippling wood-opens-me portal.

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(Heads was bad)

"Headsies." Petal smiled.

Jay El, who was a luck-domain cleric asked the group if he should use his luck-feat to make her re-flip the coin, but nobody had been paying attention.

The group was sent into a fiery doom-pit of doom which was the room they were already in and had no fire in it.

"Okay." The group sighed "looks like we made the right call."

"Should we go through that door then?" They asked nobody in particular - as if the universe itself was being controlled by some all-powerful entity who could offer advice.  (there was no response from the DM)

"Alright then..." they sighed, and went through the door.

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Nobody lets Petal monologue.

The group climbed out and sighed.

"God damn it." Ash grunted.  "We're back where we started."

Jay El smiled, "that's true buddy ol' pal, but hey, at least we have a new door to go through, now!"

"Hello." said the world.

"Oooooh." the party attempted "...kaaay..."

The walls warped around, and forged a Petal.

"Hey!  It's Petal!" Jay El smiled "Hi Petal!  Sorry about before!"

"Hello biggies." Petal smiled.  "Welcomes to no-nicey place where Petal makesies the rules."

"Awesome, can you get us out of here?"

"QUIET!" Petal yelled, doing her best to be dramatic and evil.  "Petal knows youse is all trying to be goodies but just suck at it."

The group all agreed except for Raelin "Uh, actually, I'm not trying t..."

"No, Petal knows, not you - Petal gets it.  -Anyway, Petal was saying,"

"Its just that I"m not with these people, and, I'm evil.  So, if you're evil..."

"Quiet, please - Petal is monologuing."

"Big word for a pixie."

"Will you... (sigh)  Right.  Anyway:  Petal has been trying to decide on weather or not to killsies you all, or helpsies you out - as Petal would really like to killsies you all, but, you are all needed to savezies the world."

"Wait." Raelin interjected "all of us are needed?"

"...(sigh) yes, all-of-you-are-needed MOVING ON, you..."

"So I can't kill... like... any of these people?"
"So we can't kill Raelin?"

"NO!  N... look, I'm going to be doing the killing!  I'm the big scary evil thing!"

"Heh, right.  Sure, very scary.  Look - just to be clear, why are you mad at us?"

"B... bec... (wasn't I clear on that?  I felt I was clear on that.)  BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY ENTIRE FAMILY... and... also broke some of my toys."

"Oh.  Okay."

"..."

"So..."

"Petal is just seeing if there are any more QUESTIONS."

"No, we're good."

"...okay then.  As Petal was saying - Petal is going to flip a coin.  Heads, petal sends you to a place where youse all gets to watch each others die, forevers and evers.  Tai...."

"What's tails?"

"...ls... TAILS IS Petal helps you.  She gives you one of the thingies you needzies to save the world...sies."

The fairy flipped the coin that would decide the group's entire fate.

"Wait, which one are we hoping for again?"

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A glimpse into the male psyche.

Med blushed, and did her best to hide her naked form.

"Oh crap, are we still all telepathically linked?  I hope not.  Don't think about pushing that Nun's head down and..."
"YES!  WE ARE STILL TELEPATHICALLY LINKED!" Yelled Med, "STOP IT!"

"damn!  She knows!" thought everyone in the party.

Raelin paused.  "I hate all of you."

Oddly, that helped everyone regain their composure and focus.  "Right!  Let's all climb up and get the hell out of here." Ash grunted.

"Med, you go first."

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