Manbearpig looked down at his glowing handful, and noted that it had returned once more to its rock-form.
He wondered to himself if he could do the same for Jay El... was there some... magic solution to his predicament? Was his predicament anything other than his own mental evolution? Who was Manbearpig to stand in the way of his friend's evolution?
Manbearpig shook his head, snapped his attention back to the matters at hand, and picked up the beautifully crafted sword, which glinted in his rock's light.
Who was he? He was goddamn Manbearpig, that's who. If it was up to him to save his friend, save the whole damn world, then that was just fine.
He was goddamn Manbearpig.
The sound of small, frantic footfalls assaulted his ears. He stood, his loincloth blowing in the nonexistent breeze, told his creepy companion to lean against the wall and lurched forward with his shiny new weapon raised towards whatever it was that had slaughtered Kip. Presumably, this had been the creature's only weapon of consequence, and it was now retreating as the tides had changed.
Focused and fierce, Manbearpig noted the creature's footfalls change
tap tap tap tap TAP.... t-tap-tap-tap tap tap tap...
Sensing the danger, he too jumped over what was very likely another glue trap. As he jumped, he noted a small marking upon the tile, and, as he continued his pursuit of the unseen attacker, he easily avoided all the other traps.
Manbearpig stared aghast as Kip suddenly, and unexpectedly lurched violently forward as his back seemed to simply open up and shoot a sudden spout of fire from an unknown source.
Gimley, who was next in line, yelled a battle cry towards what he clearly felt was a hidden foe, and swung blindly towards it with no luck. Manbearpig looked around, attempting to comprehend what was happening. The bird-woman launched herself as well into the fray, with equally inept results towards their invisible attacker.
Manbearpig couldn't believe Kip was dead. Just like that, with no warning or anything. Dead. Just like that. How had he died? Was there some kind of cursed tablet inside him, set to go off if he went too far from his cell?
Gimley's cheek erupted in a sudden squirt of blood and fire, and the bird-woman screeched and clawed at the air.
Maybe it was some kind of thing... that Halflings just... did? Did Halflings just... Suddenly, the air in front of Gimley and the bird-woman let out an angry bark, and a short sword flung out of the air in front of the group, over Gimley's head, into the wall (causing another eruption of fire) and landed at Manbearpig's feet.
If one had put effort into the logistics and theatrics of this battle, one might have been disappointed at the unfortunate clumsiness of the owner of the sword... but thankfully, there was no deity overseeing the events of these adventurer's lives, and everything was completely random.
Finishing their freeing of the rather embarrassed Halfling, the group continued down the secret hallway. This time, Kip found several traps with ease, proving that, perhaps, he was telling the truth as to the rarity of him failing to do so.
Having trap spotting delegated for the time being, Manbearpig found his thoughts begin to wander. He wasn't sure he liked this mission. Sure, saving the world was all well and good, but, why him? Why now? It all felt so... big. It made him feel very... very small. And what was happening to Jay El? He seemed so... dark, lately. A shadow of his former self.
This had all started with the perception of a demon infestation, or at least some kind of poisoning or cursing... and now... now what was he doing? Was it Manbearpig's job to be Jay El's conscience? Was that the higher purpose he was to fulfill in this drama?
He squinted in the darkness. He couldn't abandon his friend, surely. He had to help him get back to his family... and possibly... back to himself.
But then, he also felt dedicated to saving the world, too... He shook his head. This was getting him nowhere, for the time being. Better to focus on the here and now.
Perhaps it was the time he'd spent in a very sensory deprived environment, or the starvation, or the dehydration, or, maybe he was just plain rusty... but Kip, whose friends and colleagues would call him impossibly good at what he did, heard a click.
Now, the click is a noise that doesn't often instill terror. Oh sure, some of us are camera shy, or might be concerned if we sat on a pair of glasses... but, none of these sources of a click would really cause the look of utter terror on Kip's face.
It was the click of a pressure plate. Pressure plates meant traps. Clicking... meant the trap was now active. Furthermore, his reflexes were slow enough, his timing off-enough, that he knew... he knew he wouldn't get out in time.
Kip closed his eyes and whispered to himself. He didn't even know if his wife was still alive... Was he about to join her, or, was he about to leave her?
His entire body moved, and then, didn't. He opened his eyes... not dead, but very, very securely held. "Holy shit." he breathed a sigh of relief. "I haven't seen a glue trap since I was a wee lad in the thieves guild... I'm alive!" He paused "sticky... but alive!"
The group had to smile at the furry little fellow. Prying the glue off of him wasn't going to be painless, but, as he said, he was alive.
They grabbed their swords and began to saw him out. "Honestly, this nevah 'appens t'me y'know? 1/20 chahnce I assure ye" they all kind of chuckled and teased him as they sawed him out. The group was in fairly good spirits. They'd evaded the guards, and, it seemed they were on some kind of important person's personal escape route... someone who they wouldn't chance using real traps against, but would use something intended to slow down pursuers . Perhaps a public official, or even the king himself!
Manbearpig shuddered for a second. Was he getting sick? He shook his head. He had to stay strong, for the group. Like it or not, he was the leader of this band of escapees, and he was leading the escape. He had to be strong. For them.
"heeexxxxxaaat!" The creepy creature gestured to the wall. "heeexut!"
Manbearpig examined the wall with his hands, and unleashed a truly spectacular grin. "Check it out." he said, clicking the hidden switch and opening the hidden compartment in the wall.
The group piled in, and Manbearpig looked at the panicking woman one last time and gestured. "Now or never." he said simply "come with me if you want to live."
The girl looked, turned, heard the tromping of the guards, looked back at him... and took his hand. Manbearpig immediately pulled her in, and shut the door behind him. The group waited in hushed silence as the sound of the guards approaching continued.
The group tensed, hearing the guards halt outside the door, and converse amongst themselves. It seemed the two groups from either side had met somewhere in the middle, each group arguing with the other, saying that the group must have slipped past the other.
They didn't know. They didn't know about the hidden passage! The group smiled and gave each other the collective thumbs up, and, quietly, began to traverse this hidden passageway. It seemed as though they were safe!
Kip gestured that he would lead the way, and, using fairly simple sign language, implied to the group that they should keep their eyes open for danger.
The group nodded. They weren't out of the woods, yet.
Manbearpig looked into the utterly terrifying, yet clearly emaciated and weakened creature who seemed to speak gibberish which echoed inside Manbearpig's skull, and, it was suddenly like he was back in grade 7, standing across the dance hall, mentally debating in his head on weather or not he should ask the prettiest girl in the room to dance, or, just keep staring at her creepily for the rest of the night.
He traced the keyhole tenderly with the Kobold's key, his hands clammy and his pace racing - he moved it side to side, brought the key to the hole, brought it back, brought it forward again, and finally, when the lock could bare it no longer, he penetrated it with vigor, and opened it, causing the lock to give an inanimate object's version of a content sigh.
(Manbearpig opened the gate with a click)
Tentatively, he approached the rather terrifying creature and unlocked the chains which, it became readily apparent, were what was keeping him up in the first place.
As his weight landed upon Manbearpig's shoulders, he was immediately struck by the unexpected weight of the individual. The exact opposite of when one expects an empty milk jug to be full and lifts it was occurring for Manbearpig. He grunted. "Heavier than he looks" he chuckled. Clearly, he'd have to carry the poor fellow to freedom.
The echoing gibberish within Manbearpig's head began to coagulate into something resembling all the languages which he spoke, all at once. Gradually, he began to understand what the creature was saying. It was, in effect, "thank you" with considerably too many extra vowels, consonants, and spaces, with a particular favoring for the letters x, w, and z.
"xxxsssttthankquxewzewzewzewz" it mentally sighed. Manbearpig smiled and thought a happy "your welcome" and added a few X's out of politeness.
Next on the list was the hot girl. Realizing that the withered fellow on his shoulder, of whom he was thinking was less and less creepy as time went on, very likely was reading his thoughts, he hoped that his species was one that was fairly open minded, and not easily offended. Still, choosing to err on the side of caution, he did his best to not think sexy thoughts - which, as we all know, causes one to think sexy thoughts.
"Gimley, will you hold onto our friend here while I help out the girl?"
"Ach, I'm notta touchin' tha' with a fir feet pewl, lettalone m'shoooulder lad! I tellya gimmie t'keys and EYE'LL be the one comfortan' the wee lass, while yew c'n pley w'your neew frien' thar"
Manbearpig nodded, and passed the keys to the finicky fellow with the braided privates, who promptly unlocked the girl's cell, and roused her.
What followed was... abrupt as it was startling. The girl flew away from the group - granted, they were all naked(ish - braided privates and loincloths aside), male(ish - they weren't entirely sure which gender the creepy fellow was, but, at the moment, were assuming male) and two were missing an eye, one's hand was on fire, and, in general, was the only source of illumination in the otherwise understandably terrifying surroundings to find one in, so... one could likely empathize with the girl.
However, her reactions continued, as though she had no idea what any of what she was witnessing made any sense at all. She didn't seem to recognize anybody, not even her own limbs, and... she freaked out. A lot.
Manbearpig looked back to where he knew the guards were coming, and looked forward to where the guards had come before. "Kip, I need you to scout ahead, and see just how dead everybody is that way."
"Aye!" he agreed, and took off.
"Ach, fas' lil' bugger ain't he?" Gimley commented, doing his best to calm down the terrified girl.
"Look, we don't have time. We have to keep moving." Manbearpig ordered. "Free the next one."
Gimley looked at him, and tossed the keys to him. "Dew it yerself lad, we goot tyme."
Manbearpig acquiesced, and opened the next cell. Within, was a half woman, half... buzzard, or... chicken, or something. As he got closer, he noticed that she was gagged and bound, as well. He poked her, and she thrashed like crazy until he explained the situation. "Shhh... I'm going to let you out, now. Okay? Don't thrash, I'm here to rescue you... shhh, there you go..." came his soothing coos. The creature relaxed, and allowed Manbearpig to free her. As soon as he did, her claws raced up and snatched off her blindfold & gag, and she looked around in a very... feral way.
"We're escaping." Manbearpig reassured her.
Perhaps it was being linked to the psychic, perhaps it was a rare moment of divine intuition, but, Manbearpig knew immidiately that this creature would betray, and likely eat him, the first chance she got. Still, for now, the enemy of their enemy, was still, at the very least, useful, if not a friend.
"eeeeeeEEeeeckkkksssssssssssssssssssiiiit" came "Creepy"s next word, with a feeble point. Manbearpig noted that the creature was able to lift his arm now, which he previously was unable. He was glad that the creature was getting stronger as, he felt increasingly tired holding the fellow up. "Exit?" Manbearpig prompted, "are you trying to tell me you know the way out?"
The creature collapsed and "spoke" the word again in an affirmative nature. "hhheeexxxxxuuuut!"
Manbearpig nodded. Perhaps rescuing this creature was the right way to go...
Manbearpig readied himself. The tiny pitter patter of Kobold feet and Kip's helpful tips all but pinpointing their locations for him, he launched a fireball from around the corner, engulfing the Kobold in instant flames.
Silently, Manbearpig wondered if the fact that the guards were obese meant that they'd taste good... It had been a while since he'd eaten.
The Kobold redneck swore at him in its yipping, yapping language, and, then, its fingers still greasy from whatever it was that they'd been eating, he attempted to hit Manbearpig with his whip. The grease, however, turned the strike into something more of a sloppy, almost friendly toss.
Reacting quickly, Manbearpig caught the Kobold's whip and, in one quick Jack-Burton-Its-All-In-The-Reflexes motion, attempted to attack the 'bold with it. Failing in his attempt (though not as graphically as the Kobold) he shrugged, and hit the greasy lizard with a second fireball. "That'll do." he smiled.
"BURN, YOU SCALED FUNGUS (fungus? No... maybe something like... rodent... rodent? yeah) FUCKING RODENT BITCHES! (yeah, that's more apt)"
Manbearpig shook his head. He did not relish killing the creatures, and merely did what he needed to ensure his own survival. Still, he could understand the malice one would tend to generate under such circumstances. The slavery, the imprisonment... He empathized with Kip, who, Manbearpig guessed used to be a considerably more gentle soul.
"HeyKiphow'sitgoing!" Manbearpig yelped, running by Kip's cell and not waiting for a response.
"Well, behind me is burnt Kobolds and some kind of zoo, so..." He rounded the corner and shone his light upon the rather hillbilly-esque Kobold guards, who were sitting at their guard post, guarding in a somewhat guarded way, whittling, or, perhaps, picking, at their teeth with a miscellaneous bone.
While Manbearpig did not speak Kobold, he surmised that, if he had, he would have heard something to the effect of "Hey!" when they saw him.
"Whoop! Back I go!" He skidded, pinwheeled and ran, making a mental note that, in that brief moment, he'd noticed that they'd been armed with a whip, and some sort of mace.
Seconds later, the rhythmic donking of some kind of bone drum, followed. The bony alarm was not going to help things... "HeyKipImworkingongettingyoufreeholdon!" He mentioned, as he ran by again, and hid in his cell; his cell door still ajar.
Suddenly, he had a flashback. Jay El was laughing at him, giving him the simplest of riddles... They were about 6 years old, each missing a few teeth, and having hair worthy of a Calvin and Hobbes comic book.
"Hey Boycubpiglet, when is a door, not a door?" Jay El laughed, after explaining to Boycubpiglet what a door and a jar were.
"Ummmm...." He'd ummed, doing his best to stall...
"They're circling around!" Came Kip's warning. The flashback'ed have to wait.
Like a mischievous lad with a lighter and the decapitated head of their sister's favorite doll, Manbearpig flicked bits of light from his wad o' glowing mud into the hallways, creating a tiny, followable, glowing trail.
"'allo there" came a fairly chipper greeting. Manbearpig peered into the cell, and saw a chained halfling.
Manbearpig paused and considered the potential ramifications of his actions and, after a moment, decided upon a course of action. "Hi." he said.
"I tell ya, it's been a while since I've seen a light. Many thanks indeed. Granted, this place ain't the best site for sore eyes, but, honestly, I'd look at just about anything for entertainment at this point."
"How long have you been here?" Manbearpig continued.
"Oh... hard to say... if I hadda guess, I'd say somewhere aroun' 3 months. But time does seem t' drag when you're chained to a wall in the dark and unable to use your hands, if you catch my meaning."
Manbearpig caught his meaning, but dropped it. "...What's your name?"
"Aren't we a formal fellow in the middle of a prison break then? My name is Kip. Pleased to meet your acquaintance."
Manbearpig noted his meaning "... any idea which way is out?"
"Well," the halfling attempted "I've seen the slave quarters, and a few other sections of the dungeon. I could probably get us to the mid-levels, but I've never seen the top levels, or the rest of this area due to an inconvenient lack of consciousness during the times in which I passed them."
"Why were you put here?"
"Mostly on account of me not wanting to be a slave. I did my best to start a revolt, but, well, our race isn't known for its ambitions nor its bravery, and... well, I ended up doin' most if my revolting revolt on me own."
"I see." Manbearpig concluded. "Well, I'll see what I can do." and, with that, he continued on down the hallway, noting a female Goblin in a cell, who screamed at him something rather offensive in Goblin. Manbearpig continued on down the hallway. It seemed not all the prisoners were quite so upbeat.
"Sure, I love the dark. Take your time..." came Kip's muted reply as the distance between then increased.
Tribby neared the entrance to the caves, when a rather disheveled spiderduck trundled into her field of view.
"HEY!" it screamed at her. "HEEEEY!"
Tribby had never encountered a spiderduck before, but, it was nice to talk to something in Common for a change. Being tiny for so long had let her feeling somewhat isolated and alone. Almost as if she'd had no contact for months, instead of hours.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ULTIMATE ALLIANCE TWO!?" The spiderduck screamed at her.
"Uh..." Tribby grunted, not being aware of an alliance of an ultimate, or even penultimate nature.
"Okay, the gameplay is what it is. 's fine. But what the crap is up with the non-skippable cinemas?"
"The who and the whatnow?" Tribby prompted.
"The NON-FREAKING-SKIPPABLE... and, might I add, the repetitive, considering you gotta watch 'em again if you DIE... CINEMAS! And don't even get me started on the complete and utter USELESSNESS of their so-called "save" function..."
"What the hell are you blathering..." Tribby attempted, seeing if she could circumnavigate the clearly distraught creature.
"oh sure... they LET you save... But when you load your freaking game, it sets you back a few hours and replays a cinema to boot! Oh... WHAT YOU MEANT TO WRITE... was something along the lines of KIND OF SAVE BUT REALLY JUST CHOOSE AN ARBITRARY CHECKPOINT, THEN REWIND A BIT BEFORE THAT TO SHOW OFF YOUR !@#$ING CHEESY CGI!"
Tribby hit the spiderduck with a rock.
--Author's note: This isn't a sponsored slot. I just needed to vent. You're just lucky I wrote this before I played the debacle of a video game "Sacred 2". THAT piece of duck excrement is likely the worst game I've played in the last several years - and that includes flash games online. Horrible. --
